Its been another 4 weeks. I often question whether its because i have lost the desire to write, but it isn't the case at all. Its still hard to sit here and share all emotions and feelings but there is a sense of loss now that what ever i have written seems so pointless. What have i achieved, i don't know. I'm not sure that was ever my intention though. Intentions, now there is a word. One i so often use and whilst they have always been good i do frequently remind myself that the the road to hell is paved with them.
I just feel that the last few weeks have been so difficult and what ever ground i gained on the grieving process went in minutes when i lost my phone. The phone itself was nothing but the fact that it had all the messages from Mikey on has affected me more that i could possibly imagine.
So what do i do, yes i still run, but that first run after losing the phone was so painful and i questioned what i was doing, i pushed until i hurt and achieved little in the process. Nothing changed. So i walked and even the gloss of why we are doing it seemed to have faded and again i wondered why.
News that another friend of Mikey's lost her battle was a reminder of why we have to do something for those with cf, can we make a difference, yes i think so, its nothing grand but the message is out there.
So i run and i walk and maybe on the day of our big walk i will feel as if Mikey is with me even for a short time.
Mikeys friend marries soon, so i booked the hotel, no outfit yet, still i tend to leave things to the last minute. There is no urgency in my days anymore, no real purpose. Just another 24hrs to get through. Is this what life is going to be like. Grey! i hope not.
Tom does bring such joy to our lives, it doesn't matter if its dog sitting, washing or just listening. A child at whatever age is such a gift.
We had our days out and Duke enjoyed his day care so we booked him in for a week, maybe with the summer coming things will be better. I don't hold out much hope.
Spending the day at the London marathon was an adventure and to be amongst the crowd seemed so very far away from when i ran last year. Impossible to think that i did that. How on earth i did is amazing! but my head was in the right place on the day!!
I am looking forward to the long runs on Sundays again and training for the half marathon in October.
I may just enter the anniversary ballot to run in the Olympic stadium again in July, that's if i remember in the morning to enter!
I have unpacked my case, made a drink so i suppose i better get to bed, i will make no promises about my return to this page i hope its daily after all tomorrow is a another day
