Days 9-14th January 2016

Wow where did nearly a week go! I only thought I had missed a day or two!

So much for my good intentions. On a positive I am here tonight, and its so cold! First snow of the year even if it was just a dusting and lasted a couple of minutes. If you blinked you would have missed it!

Goodness the weekend went so fast and I was marshalling again as I still couldn't run, I was on the water station and we ran out of water several times. The tap was on the other side of the field. Some very unhappy runners and quite right too. I have asked that next year they have decent containers so I do not have to keep filling up plastic cups from a water filled freezer box! 700 runners were at the event, you can just picture it cant you, and only me at the station!

Day out to Ely on Monday to celebrate my birthday, its was cold and wet. Still what should we have expected it is January.

Youngest sister has changed our holiday destination and month! and I booked a holiday only last week! we usually go in June but as I thought that was when we were going to Dorset camping I booked a holiday in May so not to clash. However the plan now is to go for a long weekend in Suffolk, in.... March! ah well should be fun at least not under canvas and no risk of hay fever!

No that means Feb out with sisters to celebrate sister number threes birthday, Suffolk in March I'm off to Brighton for the marathon weekend in April, Somerset in May, Devon in September and Snowdon again in October. Quite a busy year! 

Physio Tuesday and it didn't go as well as I had hoped but I knew deep down it would not. So no running for at least another two weeks, more exercises and with weights, twice a day. I have only done them once today as knee has become more sore again.

Healthy eating continues and I am doing ok I think. Taken the men in the family by surprise!

Walking and cycling when I can. Cycled 10 miles on Tuesday evening kept my running buddy company.  Attempted to cycle today but the wind was really strong and made the knee sore. So pushed it like an old lady! Not as bad a sister number 1 who when out for the day withdrew mums collapsible walking stick from her bag. Instead of taking it out and then give it a flick to put it together she held the handle and pulled it out of her back the stick coming out in one full length just like pulling hankies from a magicians hat! Amazing. I am going to hide it when we go out next time lol.

Have also walked 6 miles today Now what day do I get weighed, I have forgotten not to worry will check my book later after all tomorrow is another day..................... Love you Mikey xx

7th and 8th January 2016

Crikey I here again! Something is working, maybe I'm just determined to keep up with things this year! Its all about being positive.

Yesterday I did walk to the running club and it was great to see everyone and I walked home. 5 miles in total, knee held up, a little sore but nothing as it has been.

I'm going to marshal at the Frostbite on Sunday, hope its not snowing or raining, a little bit of this unseasonal sunshine will be much appreciated! Tuesday I will cycle with another walking wounded, there are a few of us at the moment. Get the injuries over and done with now and then be fit for the summer. I prefer to run in the winter though, oh well never mind that, stay positive!!

I am so positive I have purchased another pair of running shoes and some new capris. I may even be a little slimmer when I get to wear them.

Healthy eating is still going well, although if I'm honest I do miss all that lovely unhealthy stuff, especially chocolate! I have lost 2 whole pounds this week, not the stone I thought I would lol! Still it is early days. They tell me gradual weight loss is best, umm well we will wait and see. It will be better for my joints if I'm not carrying excess baggage and may even go faster! now that is an incentive.

Continuing to do the exercises and I'm sure they are helping. Its all about strengthening the muscles and ligaments. Just have to be patient.

Weather much the same as the last few days, cold, windy and wet. Awaiting the so called snow bomb that is supposed to hit us next week. I imagine we will get a flurry as usual. Here in the fens we are very sheltered from severe weather. Odd dust storm in the summer but nothing much else.

Ah ha! booked a holiday yesterday, heading back to Somerset in the early Summer. We haven't been since 1976 when the petrol strikes were on. We went down on a motorbike and we were stranded at Devises for 4 hours waiting for a petrol station to open! Happy days!

8 days into January and have kept Misery at bay, now that is a positive!


Monday I am meeting up with my sisters as its my Birthday and I am looking forward to that. May here some news about our camping week away in the Summer, slightly less positive about that but I'm working on it!

Made a calendar using a photo of Mikey and it has turned out so well. Did it on line and arrived this week. Another positive, I can look at it without crying, some sadness but with a little joy remembering him on that day.

On that note I will close because tomorrow is another day...................

5th and 6th January 2016

Ok so I missed yesterday as well but I was very tired form the night before shift.

I did manage to do my exercises and to get out for a walk yesterday even though it was raining for most of the day. My knee didn't feel too bad so I thought I may just get out for a walk or cycle today, managed a walk.

Sticking to the healthy eating and yes, I sit here with a peppermint tea. May have to change the flavour soon though just in case I get a little bored from it all.

I continue to feel positive about everything, even my injury. Maybe I'm putting to much belief in next Tuesdays Physio session but hey ho! I had also decided to walk run our park run next Saturday but now thinking about the terrain have decided against it. Its been nearly 12 weeks! I counted the weeks on the calendar so its been even longer than I thought. Don't want to risk e relapse! its been a long haul and hard work with the stretches. I'm bound to have one leg bigger than the other as I'm using weights on my left one! ah well not to worry.

I'm trying to fill my days with lots of activity and it seems to be working. Today as a family we were able to talk about Mikey and laugh at some of the things he got up to. It was lovely to see the three of us smiling. Maybe this is the start of the healing process for us all.

I think I may try to book some days away for us. I have already discussed our annual holidays and we are going to try somewhere different for one of the breaks!

Saw today the CF are doing a Run with Mickey at Disney Paris. Not sure when it is but will look into it possibly tomorrow.

I'm going to the club tomorrow, I have put a self imposed ban on myself from going in case I get depressed. Its time to man up! so I will help with the teas.

3 of my running buddies have been in touch to see how I am today, all men and all injured so we plan to get out together when we are fit. There are more injured so im not alone! Running is supposed to be good for you.

Of course the day never ends without me thinking of Mikey and I hope it never does, but with a little happiness today. So I will continue to strive to be positive! and on that note off to bed because tomorrow is another day..............

3rd and 4th January

Gain a day gain a friend so they say! Sadly my excuse is that I will be working tomorrow night. I now work 1 night a week to keep my registration up to date. Mondays were the day of the week that did not interfere with running, and I got to chose! So short of nurses everywhere. I will not have the opportunity to write tomorrow.

It has rained all day so not managed to get out on the road but I have done my exercises, ate healthily and kept my word to stay on here regularly! Yes I know its only the third day but that means I have already equalled my number of posts for the whole of last year!

I have also kept to the herbal teas, well I have had 3 so that's better than nothing, three less coffees!

I DID TREAT MYSELF TO A VERY SPECIAL MUG OF CHOCOLATE THOUGH!

I admitted it so not cheating.

Last night I also managed to register with the Park runs and my barcode came through today! first one is the pilot race and the official towns first park run will be on the 23rd January. Think I may be marshalling though. Injury will not be up to a bit of cross country!

The lady I sat with at hospital passed away today, I'm glad I was able to give the family a little, much needed rest.

Whilst I am trying to stay positive and keep my mind on doing other things I have to say I lapsed today and did feel sorry for myself. My running buddies ran 14 miles today and I cant even run a bath! However I didn't stay low for long just got cracking with the exercises.

Plan for tomorrow is much of the same except get out on my bike, what ever the weather even if its just a few miles. I need to!

Maybe I should try to make my pages more interesting, um not sure how to do that though ah well tomorrow is another day........

1st and 2nd January 2016

No excuses! but I was asked to sit with a relatives elderly mother in law at hospital last night which I did willingly as they helped our son during a crisis.

That's a positive start its ages since I actually sat in a hospital ward watching the hustle and bustle, but they were so short staffed only 3 for 26 acutely ill patients. They never stopped all night.

I hasten to add that I didn't skip the exercise programme yesterday or today! And the healthy eating has commenced and carried on for 2 days, now that has to be positive. On top of that been out for a stroll with the dog tonight!

Tomorrow I will try my road bike and see how that goes, its boring sitting in doors with no place to go!

Had the details of Snowdon trip in October come through today, another positive.
Discovered a fellow runner is also out lame like me so I may have a running buddy when I return until I'm fit to join my old group, so another positive! well for me not so much for him though, ah well every cloud has a silver lining so they say.

Something new Mikey is... herbal teas. Um I think they may be an acquired taste but today its peppermint, not too bad I expect I can learn to like them. Especially if I can lose the weight. I am determined this time. I have so little will power though. Love all the nice tasting foods that lay on the hips having been tasted by the lips!

Next week I'm going to book a holiday for me and Tim to get away for a week. Will try May this year to break the cycle.

I really want this injury to heal, its been 9 weeks already and I got out of breath on the exercise bike. You lose fitness so quickly and its harder to get back when you are older. I'm following the recovery plan to the letter and it has improved but no where as it should be. Hamstring hanging together by a thread! and that ligament is under pressure. Lots of work to do.

I am also going to try and get to bed earlier. 2 and 3 in the morning isn't good so on that note I will close after all, tomorrow is another day.....................

30th December 2015

I have only managed 3 blogs this year, shame on me. I guess because each day is the same! I do often ask myself how did I manage to get here today. I think what I mean is we are now 6 Christmas's without Mikey and where has the time gone. How have we managed to reach another milestone. The world hasn't stopped spinning and looking back have I really achieved anything. We mourn and yet what has it done to change circumstances, nothing. I do believe there are lessons to learn, whether I will heed them is another thing all together.

We cant change who we are or what we have done. Was it right at the time? yes I do think so. But and isn't there always a but, on reflection I should have got my butt into gear much sooner. Have I been feeling sorry for myself, yes I do think so but having such a traumatic event in your life probably shapes your emotions and feelings for the future.

I have done the one thing I set out to do, maybe took me longer but I have gained so much from running. Certainly given me the time to focus and channel unhealthy energies into the sweat and pain of a run. For the past couple of months I have been unsure of what to do, I think I have lost my running mojo and there seems no reason to get back. Being injured again doesn't help! hamstring this time and its a beast. 8 weeks so far! 8 weeks of not being able to walk properly, pain as soon as I put weight on my leg. Ah now there is a dirty word, weight, may have some contributing factor! So from the 1st Jan going to really try to lose some weight, but I have so little will power.
I think having been shrouded in Misery for so long when you surface its a reality shock. I feel as if I have been living in smog, at the moment not sure who I am! and realise I need to do something about it.

I have been writing this in small sessions today. I have had physio and whilst I cant run yet it is looking more positive, hopefully when I go back in 2 weeks and if the exercises I do continue to strengthen the ligaments of the hamstring I will be able to get out again. So, I have ordered new trainers, always a positive! Had my bike tyres pumped up! as I can now cycle. I will try to exercise everyday and I will get fit! I have put my head above the parapet and going for it!

I have also considered my next challenge, Will do a half marathon in October and run for a charity. Mikeys friend was a very good musician and his mum started a charity in his name to help any budding musicians to get a bit of help. Mikey would be pleased with that I know. Done! now I have said it will have to do it.

I will also make a conscious effort to blog daily. It helped me through some dark times so maybe will again. I can remember in the early days being told that the grieving process can take years, and it has. I also know that Mikey would be horrified that we have spent so long in the process. He wanted us to remember him with happiness not sadness. It has been so hard to do that, but I feel i'm ready to move on. I also think that our oldest son has been affected by us and that even he doesn't quite know what to say and do! Now that's not right is it, so I am also making a huge effort to bring the joy back in all our lives. Trouble is I start with good intensions and some how get it wrong, but at least I will try!
Im now off to do my exercises, have to but weight on my ankle! had to search for them! have every piece of fitness equipment there is, just look at it mostly and could only find one ankle weight, still being positive I only need one! I have the band! to do hamstring stretches, um tried it earlier only to pull it off my foot, result was being twanged around the neck, not as successful as I had hoped but I can only get better! Im doing most of the stretches on my back due to having a back problem! thought it would reduce the risk of injury! I bet the physio never considered that one!

Another day over, tomorrow is another day................................. 

25th July 2015

When I wrote on the first day of January I had such high hopes of being able to continue with my blog on a regular basis. Looks like that went out of the window!

It will be 5 years since we lost Mikey in a couple of weeks and I find myself constantly going back to that time and pondering about all that we have lost.
But!! so much has happened in the past few months that I still feel as if I am trying to catch up with myself.

I know I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself with the training for the London Marathon, all the winter training and long runs, constant injuries and flare ups of the old ones. My running buddies have been amazing.

At last after years of saying I would get a passport I did! That's another different thing I have done!

Work had been a constant worry and the stress from that combined with the changes within the company resulted in me just saying that's it and I left in March. Without doubt the best thing for me, so decided to have summer retirement and consider options for the winter months. Another different thing for me to  have done.

I can honestly say I haven't missed work at all, that's something I found quite odd as I have always worked! The good weather has certainly been beneficial!

Another long weekend with my sisters to celebrate one of my younger sisters 60th. We had a great time away together and probably something we will continue to do. I understand from the 'baby' that next year we may go abroad for a weekend! goodness that will be exciting!!! especially as I have not been on a plane before, ah well something different Mikey said!

I have spent so much time out in Mikeys garden, replanting and re shaping and its looking good. Still work to do, the turf hasn't been a great success so I think under the tree I will lay some artificial grass. Tom says it will look odd but I don't mind, I just think it will be cool! A job for the months to come!
The roses though have a delightful scent, so unusual now adays to find some that actually smell of anything, the warm nights and the scent coming in through the open window has been quite soothing.

April and the Marathon what an experience and what an adventure. All the months of training and emotions I have been carrying around with me for so long just all came together in one day. I cant begin to explain what that day meant to me. Sad though that no family there to support me but at least I knew that hundreds of miles away my cousin was tracking my every move and that was very comforting. Liz has been the most amazing person who has held me up when I have been down, who as carried me along with her humour and her stories from across the pond, who has listened to me and who most importantly has travelled along side of me on a journey that none should walk, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough.
Once I had finished I felt bereft, what would I do now? what would keep me going, I felt like a ship lost at sea with no anchor. To be honest I still feel like that. I have a need to have a purpose, something to keep me going because getting up each morning just isn't enough.
One of the drawbacks of not working is too much time on my hands.

So another thing I had been promising myself for years was a summer house and at last we purchased one. Time spent clearing a spot in the garden, laying a permanent base for it took more time and then it arrived! It has been a sanctuary, somewhere to sit a read, a place to ponder a place of peace. I have my telescope set up ready to watch the night skies and the meteor showers and im looking forward to the winter months and sitting in the garden sheltered from the elements and sitting in the watery winter sunshine, cant wait for that!

May, and Mikey would have been celebrating his 30th birthday. I wonder what he would have been doing, how he would have been, what he would have achieved if he had received his transplant. We will never guess and I wonder when I will stop wishing and wanting the impossible. It still hurts. Mikey I know would not have wanted this but how can you plan how you will behave? You cant and you don't. A sad month that used to be so joyous.

June and my eldest sister managed to fall and break a wrist, as soon as it was out of plaster fell and broke the other one and i'll be blessed that two days later she fell and broke the same one again that had just healed.! Both arms in plaster. For most of this month we spent decorating and getting T's new house ready for him. We all worked so hard. So pleased that he seems to be getting back on track after so long.

I entered a new type of run and found to my amazement I really enjoyed it, mind you leaping over tree stumps and running 5 miles through a forest was rather unusual! I think that's what I need to do now, just run for the fun of it. Another, 'something different' Falling flat on my face in the mud whilst negotiating a hill was yet another!

July, my sister requiring surgery on both wrists and awaiting the outome of her brain scan, still no news as of yet. I think that's a good thing, surely if it was serious the results would have been quicker, well that's how im coping!

So here we are 1am on the 24th July. Some things don't change. I still don't go to bed very early, still have problems sleeping, still think of Mikey every night before eventually getting off to sleep. Still miss him every day, still wish he was here, still want to wake up and realise ive had the longest nightmare ever and none of these writings happened. Except.... I know that's not true.

Ah well tomorrow is another day

Ist Jan 2015

Phew managed it, although only just.

Quiet day today.

 Did get out a for a run this afternoon. Never run at that time of day before and I struggled. Not sure if it was because I ate or because I was wearing long pants! Could even have been the weather so windy!!
The first 3 miles was like running in treacle. Luckily I had good company, two of the male club members kept me company and kept me going. We did 2 loops first 4 miles and then another 2.3 this time out in the open spaces of the fen where the wind blew and blew!!
Just to think this time last year I was on my own unsure what was going on with Tim awaiting an outcome when his leg was going to be operated on.

Out for a walk tonight and Tims knee playing up, probably the cold weather! The xmas lights are swinging in the wind, Father Christmas had fallen over on the river bank, still alight! Everywhere is so wet and muddy! The letter box is rattling, the car port roof is lifting. I love being inside tucked up in bed hearing the noises the weather produces. No snow yet!! but by all accounts its on its way, but not this weekend please. My eldest sister is driving us and I always worry when she pulls on her red leather driving gloves, she also said she doesn't know how to get there and I will have to navigate! that's a bit of a worry in itself and she will not drive in the dark. So looking a bit ominous I fear.

Heard from my sisters and it looks like we are off to Centre Parcs again in March to celebrate Lins 60th! This weekend im away again best not say where in case they read this! so doubtful if I will Blog Sat.
I appear to be rambling! it will take some time to get back into the swing of writing again and to establish order into the text!

Headlight fixed on the car, I thought it was dim when I drove home Wednesday night, oops. Not sure why that little gem sprang to mind!

Must get the weight off again, this is a constant thing for me and yet the only person holding me back is me!! well I enjoy food! and apparently if you lose 2 pounds it gives you a 10 second faster kilometre, well surely incentive enough, we will see.

I think its time to dust off some of the numerous pieces of fitness equipment I have. I do look at it from time to time. So I will start on the exercise bike, I think!

Im trying to make these posts positive as this year will be a milestone for many reasons.
I think Misery left me last year as she couldn't get a look in due to Apathy taking over the whole year.
I do know that Mikey would hate us to still be as we are so I am going to make a real effort to change this year. We can only guess at the outcome, but im back on track to try and do something different each month.
 I left a message for Mikey last night, im so pleased his FB page is still open, it still gives me comfort just to pop over and have a word or two.

Think is the word of the night by the looks of it.

Well best close, work in the morning and tomorrow is another day................

i have been away for a while

I guess I have discovered in the last 14 months that there are some things worse than misery and that is apathy.
The state of mind I have been wallowing in!
This time last year I was home alone. Tim having an accident on New Years Eve which left him unable to walk for 6 months.
I suppose I should go back a little to my last post when we were on holiday. Returning back and the problems at work were to haunt all of the work force until two weeks a go. The stress of that has been unbelievable on top of that coping at home and the changes we had to make.
Tims accident whilst out walking the dog last year the fact I went to the wrong hospital! pulled up outside to find it boarded up! I had forgotten the new hospital had opened! well we used to take Mikey so often the car went by itself. Then having to work out how to get to the other one.
Eventually getting there to find tim with a possible broken leg, and it got worse, not only was it broken but every bone in the left leg. No one would operate, a week in hospital before trauma surgeon agreed to operate and then pins plates and screws to hold the leg together. Then 6 months of non weight bearing.
Coping at home, Tim coming to Terms with his mobility issues! a wheelchair to come to terms with, walking frames to accept, crutches to master a walking stick and then independence! Hard to think now how we overcame those hurdles.
And then the dog and his walks, time for me to take over. What a trial that was I had picked up an injury whilst doing a cross country run in November. A beast of a dog to walk, so powerful and big. Nightly walks out alone in the dark, all weathers, rain, frost snow and ice. Wind!! the times I almost gave in. The fact I put a light on his collar to warn others we were on our walkabouts!
I tried running with him, well that's another story! The injury was to take nearly a year to heal.
I missed my marathon training, I had got a place in the London marathon but just wasn't able to get the training in so deferred until this year.
I tried to keep running, it kept me sane but it has been hard this last year, in July I managed to get chased by dogs, vaulted a 6 foot gate and yes got yet another injury and its still not 100% yet.
Mikey was in our thoughts this year almost daily, I know Tim spent a lot of time unable to do anything but think. Pain and boredom were his constant companions.
The pain of losing Mikey has not diminished but maybe we are accepting that that is how it will be, but I don't think im as angry as I was.

Hospital visits were, should I say interesting, goodness just thinking about it now makes me quake! Tim didn't make a good passenger or a good patient, I became multi skilled. Try getting a wheelchair out and assembled, putting on the leg extensions, get time out of the back of the car as he had to sit sideways on the seat as his leg could not bend, push it and carry a frame, and lets be honest car parks don't have the smoothest of surfaces, need I say more!

Apart from running the support I had from Liz my cousin has been amazing and I really don't know how I would have coped, she has been fabulous I cant express that enough, a lifeline, a listener and someone who truly cared, I feel blessed to have her in my life.

So is this year going to be different, I do hope so anyway. Training for the Marathon is underway, still painful though but there will be no other opportunity so I will either run it or run and walk I will be doing it what ever!
Well day one of 2015 and I have been back here thank goodness and I will endeavour to write daily I have missed off loading!
Ah well tomorrow is another day........

Days 1085-1086

Well we managed to get here and the weather has changed, we have rain!!

It's been quite strange, we have talked about Mikey and Tom endlessly. We have been to places that we so enjoyed when the boys were small, it's hard getting older and it's hard excepting at so much time has passed by. We really do not appreciate our lives until we reflect back. That's another lesson I have learnt these passed two days, no matt how we wish or try, we cannot turn the clock bac. Neither can we change the memories they are exactly that, memories of time past.

Can we look to the future, well I don't think so, we just have to live for the moment, every moment.

 We are creating memories with every step, and I wish we would remember that all of the time.

Time seems to be the subject of this blog tonight!

So we have walked miles since we have been here and I have embarked on a gorilla hunt, photos and expectation on my return home!!

I'm sitting here and can here the rain pouring down onto the caravan roof, lets trust that by the morning good weather will be ours, I doubt it somehow.

So today I bought a miniature sculpture of a mouse called Wilfred. It stands about 3inches. To me I sometimes think of myself as the mouse in the corner, watching and waiting my time, but never underestimate the power and determination this small creature has!! I will place him next to my Olympic medal! and my dragon sculpture now what does that say about me I wonder.

Tomorrow we plan to discover the times of the paddle steamer that's running up the river dart, I wonder if we will get a chance to try it out!

I also bought a fab Henry Holland skirt, oops ah well I'm on holiday!!!


Brixham has been bought into this century, they have really improved the area since we were last here. Would have been nicer if it had not been raining but never mind. Tomorrow is another day.......

1077-1084

7 days well that's an improvement!

The running has remained constant and a couple of cooler runs does wonder for confidence in ones abilities!

So what have I been doing well I guess the couple of days off at the beginning of the week enabled me to at last catch up on a few tasks that have been on hold.
Another first for me, one parcel sent out of country! have now had the opportunity to do that.

Uni course work submitted today just in the nick of time!!

Relay planned and will do trial run when I come back from holiday. Off to Devon in a few hours, packing done, Tims in bed as he will be driving. I have no sense of direction so we could end up anywhere but our true destination!!

Its been raining today so it could be that summer has come to an end! ah well its been a long hot one this year. Mikey would have been in his shorts for months!

Ready!!! well as ever I will be.

It does seem strange going back to Devon where we have had so many happy memories, just hope I can see them this year.

Ive been to busy at work to think about much of anything I seem to be brain numb! but im going to try this year to blog daily if I can access the site from my ipad. If the weather is bad I will have plenty of time so, lap top, ipad, and books all packed, that includes the ipad for dummies book I purchased recently and have not had the time to read. I may even down load some apps!!
Ipod in my bag for some music of my taste while we travel! well I can always pretend when Tim asks me if im asleep!!

Right then bed I guess for a couple of hours and see what the morning brings, after all tomorrow is another day............

Days 1057-1077

20 days this time, guess that's an improvement but still not good.

August is such a rotten month and this year I have really struggled. Misery came looking and found me waiting, she wrapped me in her mantle and there I remained until now.

The Wicken Fen star gazing night. Our yearly adventure watching the Perseid meteor shower resulted in all of us invading my sisters garden. where an enjoyable peaceful night occurred.  I was so glad of the company. We were worried about sending up my lanterns for Mikey, as the fields were so dry, but we risked it.  My poor brother in law was chasing a lantern which was hovering above the ground. It skimmed the surface before lifting up and sailing across the star studded sky. An amazing moment.

I had a message from Mikeys friends mum, her son passed away 5 years ago and she said it has become harder not easier. In some ways that gave me comfort knowing I'm not so unusual. There isn't the opportunity to talk to other parents, we seem to be a group that no one wants to cope with!

I've managed to juggle time and spend some of it out on my new bike with Tim as well as running rather poorly. The weather has been so hot and I really struggle and with the harvest brings those pesky blighters of insects. I have become rather sensitive to their bites and had a couple of courses of antibiotics etc. attending  A and E as a result of one of them, same as last year.

The summer running route takes us across the fields, through the pocket park where we are closed in by trees. The pollen count has been high and I've suffered! The summer has been long and hot, it would appear that the crows were right!!

Attempts have been made at the club to try and help the slower group to improve. My word those nights have been really difficult but I do think they have helped.

I've managed to get some Long runs in at the weekends but now I'm working that's a trial!

I am still having to travel most months and its so time consuming.

I have my uni assignment to write and have a couple of days to get that in, ah well will try on Monday or Tuesday

I seem to have found my joy in running again. I am so grateful for that. I was about ready to call it a day when I experienced Mikey close and the fact that I shared a very special moment that was so vivid enabled me to carry on, it was the push I needed. When the going got harder, he was there.

Across the other side of the world is a very special lady who has also been someone to lean on, who has propped me up with her words of love and support, who seems to message me just when I needed it most. Between the two of them I have my mojo back and I'm running better than I ever have.

So I'm running in a 58 mile relay, thank goodness my leg is only 7.2 miles, and in October I have a half marathon, I'm feeling more confident about that now. I have lost weight, drinking more water and feeling fitter. Maybe that has helped as well.

I'm working this weekend so I think I best get to bed. I really am just taking each day as it comes and tomorrow is another day...................

Day 1010-1056

another 47 days since last wrote. Every day I sit and think about writing and yet I never do.
I have asked myself so many times why not, at the same time spoken sternly to myself each morning that I should have, my trip home telling myself tonight!

I haven't any answers, I just seem to lack the motivation to write. Well lets be honest I've lost motivation full stop.
I think that maybe, just maybe its because I have done those things I said I would and now what's left. I give myself small challenges but nothing fills the void or gives that feeling of success or purpose.

I could ramble on about meaningless things day to day events, nothing special just up in the morning, work home in the evening and so on.
Am I so different from so many other people and I would suggest not but don't really know what I want or need.

I guess I am just a very small ship afloat on lifes ocean, and its vast!

Running in the Olympic stadium didn't give me the buzz that it visibly gave to so many others. I still don't know why. I felt that way after the marathon and the walk, job done I suppose and on to the next. It shouldn't be like that though. The build up and the hard work the hours spent attempting to get better and all for what? Yes I do enjoy the running I enjoy the feeling of doing something for me, the time to think or not to think that's probably the best reason, even the pain at least it reminds me I'm alive!

Going to London 2 -3 times a month is not something I enjoy, the fact that every month I'm away and then have to miss running, train journeys are fraught with delays and waiting. Grrrr. I hate the fact I feel so miserable most of the time, when I'm not usually, and I hate the fact I feel as if I'm moaning.

I'm not getting out with the camera as much as I used to, I'm getting home later in the evenings often not home till after 7pm which leaves so little time. By the time I've had a drink changed out for a walk with Duke its almost time for bed!

Since working weekends which results in working 7 days straight so then having the Monday and Tuesday the following week increases work load because you have so much more to do in the 3 working days. I think I'm just tired and could do with a holiday. Roll on next month when we are off to Devon for a week!

Its that time of the year and it has not got easier at all. Yes we go through all the motions of course we do but I still struggle. Probably for a month before we reach where we are now. Every day we think of Mikey, every day I think about having a conversation, everyday I tell myself its not going to happen but everyday I still think it might!. Now that's not normal, is it?

Even the fen landscape is failing to move me, the world has lost its gloss or can I see it for what it really is. Now that's a sobering thought.

Its off to Wicken Fen this weekend maybe a bit of quiet time in the middle of nowhere at one with nature will give me some solace, I will wait and see.

 I cant believe that I no longer enjoy reading, me who has had a book glued to my hand since I could read, even that doesn't offer any escape. Ah well.

I hope the next time I write I will be more positive I'm feeling rather depressed by my own writing! well at least I have that insight so perhaps all isn't lost yet, but tomorrow is another day!

Day 950-1,009

Oh my word its been 59 days since I last wrote.

I think I began to see my writing as just a diary of events. Maybe that's a stage we go through, I'm not sure.
May was such an eventful month. Mikeys birthday which was sad. We sent off our usual sky lantern and it took off in a totally different direction than usual. We stood in the garden and watched with amazement as it flew swiftly upwards and across the houses passing Dannys and off towards our old home. We wondered if this year would be different for us.  To date it hasn't been!

Well I managed to get my outfit for Maddie's wedding, lovely simple White Stuff dress and I even went back to the same shop for shoes where I bought shoes for Mikeys wedding. It was quite odd because I picked up the first pair and knew they were right for me. They went with the dress perfectly. Although I was going through the motions I still didn't feel joy.

Off I went alone, I knew I would not know a soul and I had only met Maddie very briefly at Mikeys wedding but we had formed a relationship via facebook. I was quite anxious really but knew it was the right thing to do. The train journey was eventful. Normal for me! I boarded the wrong train, I did manage to miss the underground though. Went miles out of my way but eventually reached Richmond. What a lovely place. The hotel was right next to the Richmond Park where the venue was.

As I was dressing I thought perhaps I will not go but still carried on getting ready. I constantly though of Mikey and how he would have loved the day. He would I think have been pleased I was making the effort on his behalf. Those thoughts spurred me on. Taxi called for and off I went. I was dropped at the wrong door and nearly gate crashed another wedding! I managed to find the right room and stood outside waiting not sure about what to do or who I would meet. A kindly gentleman asked if I was OK and when I explained who I was looking for he informed me he was Maddies Uncle and ushered me up the stairs.

Maddie looked stunning and I need not have worried, when she saw me she just showered me with love. Jack was such a nice man and the other guests made me so welcome. I sat and people watched. I knew that Maddie spent more time with me than she should have and after a couple of hours I said my farewells and went down to call for another cab.

I waited in the grounds and was fascinated by the aeroplanes. We must have been close to Heathrow. the planes were so low that you could see the lights on and the windows. How odd that I have never seen this sight before. Another first for me.
The taxi came and as we drove through the park we passed groups of deer so close that we had to wait for a small herd to cross the road. Wonderful. I must go back and have a run through the park one day. Apparently the deer are very used to us and do not object to the cyclists, runners and vehicles.

I was able to reflect on the evening when I returned to the hotel. What an adventure! Mikey told us we were missing out on life and I do believe he was right.

The journey home the next day was just as remarkable. Rugby was playing at Twickenham and I was in awe of all the crowds in their fancy dress that pored down the platforms. Males dressed as safari hunters and women in the skimpiest outfits I have ever seen. The cat suits looked as if they were painted on! Another first.
Well I managed to get on the right trains and crossed the underground like a pro! Another first.

I was so pleased I went and eternally grateful to Maddie and Jack for letting me share their day.

I had so little time to think about much else before the next weekend. Our walk of 40 miles.
The journey down was full of laughter and some trepidation. The theme of getting lost seemed to follow me! We decided that after our evening meal we would try to find the start of the race. Well we drove miles and in the dark. We didn't find it! Still we thought not to worry everything becomes clear in the day light.

We had initially booked rooms for two of us to share. However when one of the group informed their bed mate she slept in the raw I ended up with another room mate which made three. We had such a laugh it was like being on a school trip!! We were tired before we set off!

The morning soon arrived and we stopped for a group photo. Me wearing the t shirt my fab cousin sent from America. I have to say it was nicer than the ones we got from UK CF. It also became a topic of conversation!

The start was explained to us and the following route, we were not expecting so many hills. We walked through thick woodland, climbed over trees, faced thick muddy routes and all in good humour. We were making good times but Sue had another blister which we managed to cover. Off we went again. It wasn't until we reached 30 miles and stopped that Sues problem became more serious one minute I was talking to her as I was changing my socks the next she was on the floor needing the help of paramedics, we only found out later that she lost half of her toe! We sadly left her hoping she would be able to join us for the last leg. We got lost! not only that but so did another group. We had no phone, Sue had been holding the one phone whilst Sarah's was being charged!!! no way to contact out driver. Luckily the other group had one, they phoned their driver and asked them to tell ours where we were. After 14 hours of walking we reached the end. We were all pleased with our achievement. To date we have raised almost £2000 for CF how fab was that.

It was late, nowhere open to eat except a McDonald's on the way back to the hotel. We had 30 miles to travel back. When we stopped and attempted to get out of the mini bus we were all stiff and had to be pulled out! it was so painful and we must have looked quite odd to all who watched us attempt to walk into the dining area. Getting back up and getting into the bus was just as traumatic. Still a good rest sorted us out. No blisters and no injury for me!!

So what next!

The joys of travelling again as I commenced my Uni course. Monthly trips to London for the next year, well that should be straightforward, shouldn't it!

I have so improved with my running and have now broken the 10 minute mile pace, I am so pleased with that. just hope it lasts as I tripped up whilst walking with Duke that I twisted the ankle again! and jarred the knee. Still I'm at physio tomorrow.

Still so much to say but I am getting writers cramp so I will sign off and, really do plan to return tomorrow. I have messages to write to my cousin and Maddie. I probably will not get to do them tonight but................. tomorrow is another day!
 

Day 920- 949

Its been another 4 weeks. I often question whether its because i have lost the desire to write, but it isn't the case at all. Its still hard to sit here and share all emotions and feelings but there is a sense of loss now that what ever i have written seems so pointless. What have i achieved, i don't know. I'm not sure that was ever my intention though. Intentions, now there is a word. One i so often use and whilst they have always been good i do frequently remind myself that the the road to hell is paved with them.

I just feel that the last few weeks have been so difficult and what ever ground i gained on the grieving process went in minutes when i lost my phone. The phone itself was nothing but the fact that it had all the messages from Mikey on has affected me more that i could possibly imagine.

So what do i do, yes i still run, but that first run after losing the phone was so painful and i questioned what i was doing, i pushed until i hurt and achieved little in the process. Nothing changed. So i walked and even the gloss of why we are doing it seemed to have faded and again i wondered why.

News that another friend of Mikey's lost her battle was a reminder of why we have to do something for those with cf, can we make a difference, yes i think so, its nothing grand but the message is out there.
So i run and i walk and maybe on the day of our big walk i will feel as if Mikey is with me even for a short time.

Mikeys friend marries soon, so i booked the hotel, no outfit yet, still i tend to leave things to the last minute. There is no urgency in my days anymore, no real purpose. Just another 24hrs to get through. Is this what life is going to be like. Grey! i hope not.
Tom does bring such joy to our lives, it doesn't matter if its dog sitting, washing or just listening. A child at whatever age is such a gift.

We had our days out and Duke enjoyed his day care so we booked him in for a week, maybe with the summer coming things will be better. I don't hold out much hope.

Spending the day at the London marathon was an adventure and to be amongst the crowd seemed so very far away from when i ran last year. Impossible to think that i did that. How on earth i did is amazing! but my head was in the right place on the day!!

I am looking forward to the long runs on Sundays again and training for the half marathon in October.
I may just enter the anniversary ballot to run in the Olympic stadium again in July, that's if i remember in the morning to enter!

I have unpacked my case, made a drink so i suppose i better get to bed, i will make no promises about my return to this page i hope its daily after all tomorrow is a another day

Days 879-919

28 days! that's a whole month. I spoke last time of just drifting well Ive been carried along on a strong current and just beached!

I very often question what i do with my time and how i mean to do things and puff its weeks past.
Its not as if i have been doing anything exciting, days of work roll into the weekend where i do my training walk and its back to the grindstone.
Work has been interesting with a huge project underway now a massive refurbishment. Statistical manoeuvring is not my strong point and i am faced with daily challenges by the time i arrive home its past 7 and tired! I try to leave early n Tuesdays and Thursdays to run and have managed it with a push. Resulting in Tim and i spending less time together. At least i am on least this week, weeell i had to go in for a few hours this afternoon!!!

The days are getting longer and I'm now leaving work in the daylight, always a positive feeling. The weather has been changeable to say the least and yet again faced this weekend with snow.
We have got our charity web page up and started and now trying to sort out a mini bus to get us down to Guildford and its only 7 weeks away. How odd, we should be looking forward to warmer days and yet it feels as if we are still in the middle of winter.

Mikeys friends wedding is only 6 weeks away and I'm looking forward to the day, must book a hotel!  job for tomorrow.

Its coming up to a year since the Olympic run and have a celebration run on Thursday. Luckily we can enter and run with friends as getting together would be really hard as we are dotted about all over the country and abroad! Need to wear race t shirt, blast it has short sleeves! and get a photo. The running has been good lately and i do think the walking is helping although Tuesday run is always hard, still suffering from Sunday. We are up to 25 miles now and my knee is starting to groan! so i think i will walk every other weekend. I'm confident i will manage the 40.
Shopping today and bought a new waist bag and rucksack. Sundays walk found me with sore tops of arms, so bag may not be right for me, now is the time to try new things, oh and some new headys! they are a godsend in this cold weather. 5 layers of clothing makes it tough to waddle let alone walk and trying to use the facilities!!! is a nightmare, As i said i enjoy a challenge. The company is good and we are never short on conversation! Getting out of the bath after a long soak is proving to be a tad difficult! and then falling asleep mid conversation with husband doesn't always bode well!

I'm rambling tonight and no order to my thoughts just writing what i remember, that's saying something as the old grey matter appears to be fading! such is age!
Sue one of our walkers is on her 5th or 6th pair of shoes, just trying to get some that suit her, lets hope Sundays pair are OK, still we did have to stop twice and apply plasters! not an easy task in snow and wind, freezing conditions and no fence to lean on when you want one!

I felt as if Misery had hold of me a month ago and her grip has been relentless, now i feel she is perched on my shoulder constantly whispering in my ear. The sadness is overwhelming at times and yet passes like smoke on the wind only to meander its way back a few minutes later. I think in some way i almost have comfort knowing shes there, if she goes away does that mean i am forgetting and i don't want that to happen so perhaps I'm even wishing to be miserable or sad. Mikey would be mortified and would hate that i am wasting so much time on self indulgence and would tell me to get a life!! but its just so hard.

I have a place in the Great Eastern Half Marathon in October and was reminded quite strongly that i need to get my passport sorted out so another job for this week, still i have been saying that for almost 3 years. 3 years in August i cannot believe it, time is the most curious of things.

Duke went to doggy day care today! we are trying to get him used to leaving us, and then we can go away for a break, when I'm not sure i suppose i should start looking.

Gosh its so cold sitting here tonight a can feel the draught cutting across my feet, well i should wear my slippers, ha a sure sign of age creeping up.

Dads birthday is coming up so i will go to Eastwood This weekend and take some flowers and give them a spruce up ready for the warmer days!

New trainers arrived from USA and i have now become an e bay user, that's another thing different i have been successful in my bids lol. Mikey would have been amazed that i was doing this, still would wonder if i have done it right!.

The steering on my car went last week, no the week before as i drove to work! and took a week to repair! Tom had also had his car off the road so we were all sharing one car for a while, me staying up till Tom finished, taking him home so i had the car in the morning, tom taking me running so he had it in the evening and me having a walk home afterwards as no car! the joys of mechanical breakdowns. All well at the moment!

So i think we are off to the coast tomorrow if its not too cold and some retail therapy. So to bed i think, after all tomorrow is another day.............

Day 878-891

Well yet again i appear to have failed with my good intentions. Its been 2 weeks.
Work has yet again become that roller coaster, that treadmill that i have climbed aboard and struggling to get off!

I have said i wouldn't let it happen again but it did. It has crept up on me and overtaken life again! So how do i achieve. I question myself every evening and i am somehow just managing to fade when i get home.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are fine because i run and last week i seemed almost back to the level of fitness before the op, i wonder how tomorrow will go. I have a lousy cold and chest infection. Hum, well that caught me by surprise as well!

Weekends are taken up with the long training walks, that's when I'm not working. Ah yes the weekend working and get the days off in the week, that's not happening either! it has taken two weeks to get the days back, then they have been split and the phone calls on those days off, just getting someone else to take the responsibility for those days has been so hard! ah well just have to keep trying.

How odd that we wake on Monday morning and blink and its Friday!
This morning driving to work, lost in thought and i was almost to Lynn, and i recall thinking, i cant remember passing through he large roundabout! Auto pilot or poor concentration who knows!

Have i learnt nothing about the value of time? I'm not sure. i seem to recall so many days where i pondered and questioned, has all that been for nothing?
The lighter days are coming and there seems to be some signs that the seasons are changing  i miss my crow watching surely the nesting has begun, so why am i not looking.
Without a doubt not having Mikey has a profound effect, trying to fill the void with something has been a challenge, now i just cant seem to drum up even that small amount of interest. So what is the purpose, what is it all about. You know i have no answers, the seeking, the questioning is slowly fading into not caring, a malaise. Drifting, no rudder, dreams? of what, hope oh that wondrous word so full of meaning and yet now so empty, meaningless a sham, who thought of that, who gave us hope and to what aim.  To some that hope did become a reality and dreams do come true, but ah why not us then?  why do some people have luck, is it fate? are our paths mapped out if so then we have no choices do we? I wonder.

Too long tonight wool gathering, too long tonight feeling sorry for myself! too long tonight feeling so damn angry for still trying to reach for the moon knowing, damn well knowing I'm after the impossible. too damn long wanting the impossible and too damn long wanting and wishing to turn back the clock and yet..................

Misery has found me!!
Ah well tomorrow is another day.

Days 857-877

Ok so its been 3 weeks, hard to appreciate how time just goes by and has merged into one day because that's what it seems like.
So the snow came and went and has returned again!.
I have managed to do my long training walks and have reached 14.5 miles. I missed this weekends because i had to work. That's become very odd now weekend working and i have looked forward to a day off in the week. As yet that has not materialised, no time!!
Tim's worried that i will get back into old habits and its true it happens without you realising it.

The running is going well and at last I'm getting back to some level of fitness.
The backs better and the knee is holding up.
I have been up to Billericay well actually its down to Billericay, for some reason we always say going up to London when in fact we do go down. Ah well that's Fen folk for you.

Some early morning training pics. Some how managed to get them on.

The drive to work and home continue to offer some solace. A time for reflection and chilling!. It  has crossed my mind so often lately that this year it will be 3 years since we lost Mikey. It still seems like yesterday.

What have we done in that time and where are we now in our lives, we are still in the same place. I have however renewed old friendships made contact with some relations who have become very dear friends and a source of support a shoulder to lean on and more importantly we are family and extension of me. I am grateful for that.
I entered the Great North run and didn't get a place but its not the end of the world, something else will come along. The great eastern i hope.
I have entered the run the world race. i have until November to clock my monthly runs and then 23rd is the anniversary run of our Olympic run and i took some photos of the stadium and park today. It looks rather sad.

I will endeavour to make a huge effort to blog daily i miss the time i spend on here writing and sharing my thoughts. I guess i better get to bed ah well tomorrow is another day..........................

Day 851-856

Almost another week, time is passing and before we know it January will be out.

Didn't get to London, the roads were really bad and the trains stopped running. First snow and we grind to a stop. We never learn do we.
The good thing was i managed to get out for a run and yet again i managed a good 5.6 miles and in less than an hour, not bad. Mind you it was cold and i prefer to run in the cold rather than the heat.

We completed our first training walk on Sunday and managed 11.5 miles and just reached home before the snow came down, and what a heavy down fall it was. Snowed from 11.30am until the early hours of this morning.

The grippers were really good on my walking shoes although Pats husband had to put them on for me after i almost blinded Deb when it pinged off mid stretch over the soles. Still Pat and i never slipped on the ice at all and had an advantage over the others.

Surprisingly the snow ploughs made a good job of the roads and it wasn't too bad getting to work today. No maintenance man today so we managed to clear the driveway ourselves, who needs men then!!

We went out with Duke last night and Tim slipped over and of course instead of asking if he was OK, the camera was out and trying hard not to fall over with laughing snapped him as he lay floundering on the floor. Too good an opportunity to pass up!! Poor Duke just stood still in amazement!
He was probably exhausted from chasing the rabbits across the field. The snow was so deep and almost like daylight with the whiteness on the snow illuminating the night. Odd that.

Oh my word i think i have cracked it! its only taken an hour and a half so i will try and add some tomorrow! after all it is another day............................

Day 845-850

Well its been 6 days. I have lost another 2 pounds and have run m,y first race since being injured.

Physio yesterday and more exercises to do, i need to strengthen the ankles ready for the long walk in May. Mikey's birthday month. I wonder what he would say if he was here now! plenty i would imagine.

Getting back to running has been really hard, much harder than i imagined. Maybe its because of my age, or just because i am not as fit? um food for thought.

The race on Sunday was 5 miles. 5 miles in freezing icy conditions and rather dangerous running beside the river. By the time i got to that stretch it had been well and truly run over and was a slippery muddy part of the course. HAVING SAID THAT I MADE IT!! It was a bit of a rush getting to the race though. I decided to cycle to the venue, home baked cake in bike basket. As we were hosting the race all members bake!! So cake on top of my kit and almost there when i realised i had forgotten my Garmin!! so it was home again collect the watch, Tim was waiting at the top of the drive holding it out!! Back down to the race, 7 miles before i had run!!! still i suppose that counted as a warm up.

I decided to wear my old trainers and they were so much better than the new ones, i can feel another shop coming on.

The weather has changed and the fen is wearing her winter coat. White again!  Snow fall and everything comes to a grinding halt. The back roads leading to Wisbech are scary and i have had a couple of white knuckle rides this week. My little Tigra has become a skitty nervous beast, she truly is a fair weather vehicle! Roll on the Summer. The days are getting longer though, its now daylight until 4pm soon be light to drive home.

We are out for a training walk on Sunday, so not sure how that will go. I have the required walking shoes and just hope i do not acquire blisters, 10 miles i think we are doing.

London again on Thursday so no run for me, i will attempt to go out on Friday for run as i am running the world until November. Well not literally i belong to a really good running group which started when we ran in the Olympic stadium. Need to run 300 miles by November. Thank goodness training walks count too.

Work is going well, but we have the same problems just different people! but it pays the bills!!!


Just tried putting photos on with no success ah well tomorrow is another day..........................