Day 1010-1056

another 47 days since last wrote. Every day I sit and think about writing and yet I never do.
I have asked myself so many times why not, at the same time spoken sternly to myself each morning that I should have, my trip home telling myself tonight!

I haven't any answers, I just seem to lack the motivation to write. Well lets be honest I've lost motivation full stop.
I think that maybe, just maybe its because I have done those things I said I would and now what's left. I give myself small challenges but nothing fills the void or gives that feeling of success or purpose.

I could ramble on about meaningless things day to day events, nothing special just up in the morning, work home in the evening and so on.
Am I so different from so many other people and I would suggest not but don't really know what I want or need.

I guess I am just a very small ship afloat on lifes ocean, and its vast!

Running in the Olympic stadium didn't give me the buzz that it visibly gave to so many others. I still don't know why. I felt that way after the marathon and the walk, job done I suppose and on to the next. It shouldn't be like that though. The build up and the hard work the hours spent attempting to get better and all for what? Yes I do enjoy the running I enjoy the feeling of doing something for me, the time to think or not to think that's probably the best reason, even the pain at least it reminds me I'm alive!

Going to London 2 -3 times a month is not something I enjoy, the fact that every month I'm away and then have to miss running, train journeys are fraught with delays and waiting. Grrrr. I hate the fact I feel so miserable most of the time, when I'm not usually, and I hate the fact I feel as if I'm moaning.

I'm not getting out with the camera as much as I used to, I'm getting home later in the evenings often not home till after 7pm which leaves so little time. By the time I've had a drink changed out for a walk with Duke its almost time for bed!

Since working weekends which results in working 7 days straight so then having the Monday and Tuesday the following week increases work load because you have so much more to do in the 3 working days. I think I'm just tired and could do with a holiday. Roll on next month when we are off to Devon for a week!

Its that time of the year and it has not got easier at all. Yes we go through all the motions of course we do but I still struggle. Probably for a month before we reach where we are now. Every day we think of Mikey, every day I think about having a conversation, everyday I tell myself its not going to happen but everyday I still think it might!. Now that's not normal, is it?

Even the fen landscape is failing to move me, the world has lost its gloss or can I see it for what it really is. Now that's a sobering thought.

Its off to Wicken Fen this weekend maybe a bit of quiet time in the middle of nowhere at one with nature will give me some solace, I will wait and see.

 I cant believe that I no longer enjoy reading, me who has had a book glued to my hand since I could read, even that doesn't offer any escape. Ah well.

I hope the next time I write I will be more positive I'm feeling rather depressed by my own writing! well at least I have that insight so perhaps all isn't lost yet, but tomorrow is another day!