Well yet again i appear to have failed with my good intentions. Its been 2 weeks.
Work has yet again become that roller coaster, that treadmill that i have climbed aboard and struggling to get off!
I have said i wouldn't let it happen again but it did. It has crept up on me and overtaken life again! So how do i achieve. I question myself every evening and i am somehow just managing to fade when i get home.
Tuesdays and Thursdays are fine because i run and last week i seemed almost back to the level of fitness before the op, i wonder how tomorrow will go. I have a lousy cold and chest infection. Hum, well that caught me by surprise as well!
Weekends are taken up with the long training walks, that's when I'm not working. Ah yes the weekend working and get the days off in the week, that's not happening either! it has taken two weeks to get the days back, then they have been split and the phone calls on those days off, just getting someone else to take the responsibility for those days has been so hard! ah well just have to keep trying.
How odd that we wake on Monday morning and blink and its Friday!
This morning driving to work, lost in thought and i was almost to Lynn, and i recall thinking, i cant remember passing through he large roundabout! Auto pilot or poor concentration who knows!
Have i learnt nothing about the value of time? I'm not sure. i seem to recall so many days where i pondered and questioned, has all that been for nothing?
The lighter days are coming and there seems to be some signs that the seasons are changing i miss my crow watching surely the nesting has begun, so why am i not looking.
Without a doubt not having Mikey has a profound effect, trying to fill the void with something has been a challenge, now i just cant seem to drum up even that small amount of interest. So what is the purpose, what is it all about. You know i have no answers, the seeking, the questioning is slowly fading into not caring, a malaise. Drifting, no rudder, dreams? of what, hope oh that wondrous word so full of meaning and yet now so empty, meaningless a sham, who thought of that, who gave us hope and to what aim. To some that hope did become a reality and dreams do come true, but ah why not us then? why do some people have luck, is it fate? are our paths mapped out if so then we have no choices do we? I wonder.
Too long tonight wool gathering, too long tonight feeling sorry for myself! too long tonight feeling so damn angry for still trying to reach for the moon knowing, damn well knowing I'm after the impossible. too damn long wanting the impossible and too damn long wanting and wishing to turn back the clock and yet..................
Misery has found me!!
Ah well tomorrow is another day.
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