When I wrote on the first day of January I had such high hopes of being able to continue with my blog on a regular basis. Looks like that went out of the window!
It will be 5 years since we lost Mikey in a couple of weeks and I find myself constantly going back to that time and pondering about all that we have lost.
But!! so much has happened in the past few months that I still feel as if I am trying to catch up with myself.
I know I had been putting a lot of pressure on myself with the training for the London Marathon, all the winter training and long runs, constant injuries and flare ups of the old ones. My running buddies have been amazing.
At last after years of saying I would get a passport I did! That's another different thing I have done!
Work had been a constant worry and the stress from that combined with the changes within the company resulted in me just saying that's it and I left in March. Without doubt the best thing for me, so decided to have summer retirement and consider options for the winter months. Another different thing for me to have done.
I can honestly say I haven't missed work at all, that's something I found quite odd as I have always worked! The good weather has certainly been beneficial!
Another long weekend with my sisters to celebrate one of my younger sisters 60th. We had a great time away together and probably something we will continue to do. I understand from the 'baby' that next year we may go abroad for a weekend! goodness that will be exciting!!! especially as I have not been on a plane before, ah well something different Mikey said!
I have spent so much time out in Mikeys garden, replanting and re shaping and its looking good. Still work to do, the turf hasn't been a great success so I think under the tree I will lay some artificial grass. Tom says it will look odd but I don't mind, I just think it will be cool! A job for the months to come!
The roses though have a delightful scent, so unusual now adays to find some that actually smell of anything, the warm nights and the scent coming in through the open window has been quite soothing.
April and the Marathon what an experience and what an adventure. All the months of training and emotions I have been carrying around with me for so long just all came together in one day. I cant begin to explain what that day meant to me. Sad though that no family there to support me but at least I knew that hundreds of miles away my cousin was tracking my every move and that was very comforting. Liz has been the most amazing person who has held me up when I have been down, who as carried me along with her humour and her stories from across the pond, who has listened to me and who most importantly has travelled along side of me on a journey that none should walk, and for that I will never be able to thank her enough.
Once I had finished I felt bereft, what would I do now? what would keep me going, I felt like a ship lost at sea with no anchor. To be honest I still feel like that. I have a need to have a purpose, something to keep me going because getting up each morning just isn't enough.
One of the drawbacks of not working is too much time on my hands.
So another thing I had been promising myself for years was a summer house and at last we purchased one. Time spent clearing a spot in the garden, laying a permanent base for it took more time and then it arrived! It has been a sanctuary, somewhere to sit a read, a place to ponder a place of peace. I have my telescope set up ready to watch the night skies and the meteor showers and im looking forward to the winter months and sitting in the garden sheltered from the elements and sitting in the watery winter sunshine, cant wait for that!
May, and Mikey would have been celebrating his 30th birthday. I wonder what he would have been doing, how he would have been, what he would have achieved if he had received his transplant. We will never guess and I wonder when I will stop wishing and wanting the impossible. It still hurts. Mikey I know would not have wanted this but how can you plan how you will behave? You cant and you don't. A sad month that used to be so joyous.
June and my eldest sister managed to fall and break a wrist, as soon as it was out of plaster fell and broke the other one and i'll be blessed that two days later she fell and broke the same one again that had just healed.! Both arms in plaster. For most of this month we spent decorating and getting T's new house ready for him. We all worked so hard. So pleased that he seems to be getting back on track after so long.
I entered a new type of run and found to my amazement I really enjoyed it, mind you leaping over tree stumps and running 5 miles through a forest was rather unusual! I think that's what I need to do now, just run for the fun of it. Another, 'something different' Falling flat on my face in the mud whilst negotiating a hill was yet another!
July, my sister requiring surgery on both wrists and awaiting the outome of her brain scan, still no news as of yet. I think that's a good thing, surely if it was serious the results would have been quicker, well that's how im coping!
So here we are 1am on the 24th July. Some things don't change. I still don't go to bed very early, still have problems sleeping, still think of Mikey every night before eventually getting off to sleep. Still miss him every day, still wish he was here, still want to wake up and realise ive had the longest nightmare ever and none of these writings happened. Except.... I know that's not true.
Ah well tomorrow is another day
