Day 462/463/464/465/466

5 days!!! getting into bad habits, but what can i say.

Before i start to recall the last 5 days tonight has bought home to me how generous Mikey's friends have been allowing me into their lives. Not an easy thing to do when, you are living with CF and reading all my stuff and his other very special friend who he thought of as a sister. Very special people indeed.
What sprung to mind was how we as a family have been abandoned by the CF world. Once Mikey was no longer with us not only did we lose him it was if we had vanished from ever having lived with CF. We had 25 years of being involved with Mikey's illness suddenly it is as if he never was. Does that make sense. What I'm trying to say i think is that everything just stopped as though we never existed. Oh I'm making a mess of this but i know what i mean. No counselling for CF parents no support. Why is that i wonder.
Still that's off my chest.

Whats been happening in my world. Now do i bore myself with writing and recalling work or is that too traumatic. Yep I'm going to leave that. Don't want to disappear into a world of depression!! Is it so bad, no probably not but those mole hills just keep growing!!

Thursday went running and i was pitiful!! although better than the Tuesday. I have told Sue just to get on without me and go with some of the other runners. I am feeling very sorry for myself and need to to focus on the Marathon and how i am going to achieve that. If it means rest and be sensible for the next few weeks then i will. Its still very sore. Its been weeks. Still enough said, for now!!!

Friday was the big day for Tom. Van collected, keys handed over and off to Doncaster with his Dad, but he forgot his keys! and decided to risk going with the ones i had given Tim just in case they needed another set. Not 100% sure they were Toms but they were an odd set i had. I was in a panic until i heard from him to say they were in!!
A very late night home but managed to get a lot of his bits here.
Saturday they set off to build a fence and was still working up to darkness, the same on Sunday but on Sunday i was helping with the Hereward Relay. Stuck out in the middle of the Fens at Welney. My goodness what an eye opener. Some of the seasoned runners looked dreadful, what have i let myself in for! I have a 10 mile race this Sunday. Should i go or not? I'm worried about the ankle but I'm at Physio on Thursday so hopefully she will advise and i will listen.

Today Tom has moved out and its strange again having the house to ourselves, although he phoned me tonight to let me know how he was. Then Tim went back down tonight because Tom asked if we would bring his toothbrush because he had forgotten it. I think Tim will be a constant visitor!!

So her i sit! writing an epistle.
The neighbours have their Christmas lights up. Oh my word. I'm sure the national grid must be experiencing a surge! We do not need lights on in the kitchen or the lounge, hard to believe well see the picture!!

          

 See what i mean and the sight seeing has begun, visitors down a very small cul de sac just doesn't work and then their dog starts to bark. No Christmas spirit here then!!!

But on a positive note!!!!! one of me at Welney!!

It was so cold!! and we had a nice day, no rain or frost. I also got a medal, a horse brass. So all told this year i have received a bag of spuds and the horse brass for my efforts, i wonder what Sunday will bring?  Something new for November,  i can now add marshalling to my talents. What next i wonder.
Well to bed with an ice pack and the thought of  'tomorrow is another day'
                                                     
                                             

Day 460/461

Right well i am just about tired and fed up with this wretched ankle!!! All seemed to be going so well and last night went running and couldn't!! Legs had no go in them at all, last time this happened was on the age related race. My first ever race in the early days. I am not sure if its the effects of Sunday or what really. Some of the other runners said its lactic acid build up, maybe i hadn't warmed up properly or my legs were cold. They are still sore today and the ankle is miserable. Been doing my exercises but have just over a week before the 10 mile race. What to do?

I hate being so blinking negative and being such a moaning Minnie!! have offered a trade on facebook tonight, one healthy foot and ankle for an antique one in need of Restoration. I wonder if i will get any takers. Um we shall have to see.

Toms moving date is getting closer and he has been much happier even up to his old ways of playing tricks on his dad. So far this week Tim has found a mouse in his bed and a hedgehog, neither real i might add. Toms been crouching in the hall waiting to hear the noise from within the bedroom, i have to say i have been there as well holding my mouth closed to stop the laughter!!

Duke is getting enormous!! and Tims sister called round today and asked for some photos of him!! so Tim has asked if she can have some. Well i feel rather mean and spiteful and indeed rather churlish, why should i? and to be honest what on earth does she want them for? i cannot imagine.
They haven't spoken to me since Mikey died and no i haven't forgiven them. There that's said!!!!

Tom and Tim are planning the day on Friday and it looks like i have been delegated to unpack once they return from Doncaster!!!  But i think everyone is looking forward to him being settled although for different reasons.

I have to be up early tomorrow!!! away on course and i really do not have the time but hey ho!

I'm going to find a picture of Mikey and pop on, just because i want to!!

                                                          What a handsome young man

                                                                               Mikey and his friend, a good time
Goodness how we miss him and because of him i will give it another go tomorrow night, I'm determined to get to the marathon next year at any cost!!!  but in the meantime, tomorrow is another day                              

Day 457/458/459

Three days again!!! ah well at least i have a quiet few minutes to blog! and i have my ipod plugged in listening to some music. Isn't it strange how songs and music bring back memories or how some people have this wonderful gift in putting emotions to words and sound.
Saturday came and started off with fog, was this a sign of the day to come? In fact the day went well and we managed to get a lot packed up, still i don't think even one more trip will do it, still Toms a man and able to make his own decisions and choices. Toms a hoarder and will not throw anything away, i do believe he is worse than me. Is that possible i wonder.

We got home in the early evening which was better and even Tim was surprised, mind you that could have had something to do with Toms clock!! He set himself a time scale and boy did we work hard. I thought we had nowt had enough but he said stop. Once we were in the car, he realised that he had forgotten to change the clock in October!!!!

Sunday, an odd day really.  Up early for my run and we did so well 7 miles and the ankle held up. So chuffed still its a long way to go yet.
Tim was not at his best today which resulted in very low mood at home!! i ended up going out for a cycle ride in the afternoon and a late night walk by myself!! Tim managed to let the dog pull the iron of the table!! and he went to bed without having a conversation. Tom and i kept a low profile!!

Went off to work this morning and things still not as good as they should have been!!
 but by lunchtime as if nothing had happened. Men!!! and its Toms birthday!!!

Tom came home and asked for his birthday tea!!! we had to laugh its been years since we heard that, He had a cake anyway but no candles!!! 29 years old, its so hard to believe where the time has gone.

The weather is turning and it was 10 years ago that i came off my motorbike and broke my hand, the roads were bad then and we were uncertain about going out because of the fog, but we did and i paid the consequence.I will never forget the boys faces when i came home with the damaged bike and can still hardly believe i rode it home with a broken hand. Still what do they say no sense no feeling!!

My brothers daughter contacted me again tonight and we are going to meet next week. I am really looking forward to it I hope we continue to keep in touch.

Gosh its almost 0130hrs! and i have to get up for work. Its running night tomorrow! so i have high hopes of doing a little better. I know one thing, if i get overtaken on the bridge I'm going to hold my line and not head for the kerb!! elbows out i think, lol. At 5 foot tall i think i get looked over!
I can just imagine Mikey commenting on my antics. I was going to ring him today but forgot for a minute that i couldn't. This has happened so many times or the thought, oh i must tell Mikey and then realisation hits home that i will never be able to do that again. I wish sometimes that i was living a dream and will wake up. Its not going to happen i know that but i still cant help wishing.

I'm at Welney at the weekend, manning a station for the ultra runners and will have to clock their times. Gulp!! what if i get it wrong, I'm not always good at concentrating and may just miss them, perhaps i should be on the water section lol. I will take the camera and try to get some snaps. It will be cold so i will have to put my thermals on, if i can find them. I think they may be in the loft with my motorbike gear. Um i may just double layer insted. Right beds calling and i will try to blog early next time, i will try, after all tomorrow is another day!!

Day 455/456

I was tired again yesterday!!!! hence the blog tonight.

I got up early yesterday for my physio, sat and waited only to discover i was a day early again!!!

So we went out to Wells and Sherringham. Did loads of walking on the beach this time my ankle was fine, so pleased about that. Had a lovely long day out. The sun as shining and it was really mild for the time of year. It was snowing this time last year. There are loads of berries on the trees and the pine cones are still clinging to the branches in abundance. I sure sign of mild weather. Duke was so good travelling, he has become a quite seasoned traveller!!! Tim took some pictures of me with Duke, i will put one on at the end!

The fields look healthy and alive with new growth. The winter wheat i expect. The crows, my word the flocks are huge and they are still using their old nests, they haven't been beaten down by the wind as yet.

The pubs at the coast have started their offer meals! buy one get one free, excellent value at the Crown in Sherringham.

Home in time for a quick coffee and my run.

Felt really good tonight and was going well, Sue was still having problems following her two runs on Tuesday, so we did the shorter route and had a small walk. It was nice for me this time not to be holding her back. We still did nearly 5 miles though. However we have to do 7 miles on Sunday ready for the 10 mile run in two weeks time!!

I got up again this morning for physio and she was pleased with how things are going. I have to be sensible and she said i could do the 7 miles on Sunday but must have a walk in between miles! and i should be OK for the 10 mile but i must walk some of the race!! i am to go and have the ankle strapped on the Friday before the race. Lots more exercises to strengthen the tendons!! now i am to do some hopping and balancing on a cushion with my eyes shut. I did that tonight and nearly fell over!! I am also to start running cross country after the race. To try and get used to uneven terrain to strengthen the ankle. All to get me fit for the marathon!!!

Went shopping later and managed to get myself a long sleeved running top to go under the vest for the long race!!! it will be cold, well not too bad if i keep moving.

Dentist this afternoon and thank goodness i have had my crown put back on. A new one would be about £400 so i was pleased that the socket is still healthy!!

Tom has been discussing his move and i am getting worn out just thinking about it. Tom wants everything done yesterday!! Mikey was so different and so much more organised and will to pay the cost of other peoples services. Tom, well that's another thing all together. I wonder if we are helping too much. Oh well time will tell i expect.

I have been thinking about Mikey such a lot today and driving home just started to weep yet again!! i ended up giving myself a stern talking to. It didn't help really. I could just see his legs of all things, the sun was out and he would still be wearing his shorts!! Its such a cold world we are living in without him. It doesn't matter how we try to fill our time and do things, thoughts drift in through the gaps of time and make us sad. Mikey didn't want that we know. He said we could be sad for a little while, but its not easy to keep promises like that. I wonder if we really comprehended the enormity of the loss we would feel and the length of time we would be like this. Its for life. Just that some days are better than others and some days we are really good at deceiving ourselves.

Well i have to get up early in the morning, i have a white knuckle ride to Doncaster, Toms a very impatient driver!! help him pack. Tim will have a day of peace. Tom seems to think we can pack and dismantle all his stuff ready to collect next week in 4 hours! in his dreams me thinks.

 Ah well tomorrow is another day.........................

                                                                      Me and Duke at Wells

Day453/454

Missed yesterday but i was so tired!!! and on holiday.

So yesterday went to the dentist and they cant get me in till Friday! Went to the Dr's and had to explain that Duke had eaten my repeat prescriptions! i expect that gave a good topic of conversation for coffee time! still got those and they are booking me in for a scan on my ankle at last.

Tim took me for a walk, he found me a good running route and he will come with me, well he will walk the dog around whilst i run, still that's a start. I hope now he will give me some moral support. The ground was unstable but that's good for the ankle. Tim met an old school friend while we was out and they are going for a game of golf in the near future. That's also promising.

Tom gets the keys for his bungalow on the 25th and we are up Donny this week end to pack some stuff up. Went and had a look at the place and it looks nice. We are going to pay his rent for him for a year and hope that gives him breathing space to get his house sold and re settle here, we will just hope that works out for him.

Went running last night and yay!!!! got over the hill and down the other side. I felt good last night and the ankle held up. Lets hope I'm on the mend.

Today we went to Hunstanton and had another beach walk and at Snettisham. It was a bit bleak at Snettisham and its  looking a bit run down, all the caravans boarded up for the winter and it was foggy. A real November day, but sunny hunny lived up to its name and it was warmer. It was as if the summer sun and remained in the cliffs and the rocks and retained some heat for the winter to come.
Sandringham was cold!!!! we went to look at the house but it was locked and barred, not open today! still the small gift shop was and i had to buy something. I bought a small glass angel for the Christmas tree. I haven't as yet decided if i can face getting the tree out again this year. Christmas has lost all meaning since we lost Mikey and i don't think it will ever be the same. There will always be this enormous void for us. Just thinking about it makes weep.
Mikey's blog was 'it makes me' and he said that his conditions made him who and what he was. What a star. Tim still hasn't been able to look for his star i bought him yet but he said if Toms with us Christmas day we will all look together. I hope we do.

Had my hair coloured tonight and it looks so much better. Bought myself some herbal pills to give me some energy, lets hope they work!!

Tomorrow, Physio early in the morning and then we are out for the day, running in the evening and i hope i will be able to complete the route because i have to do 7 miles on Sunday. Have a race coming up on the 4th oh and must book a table at the Three Jolly Butchers for the 5th December cos Tim has said we are going out for a meal with another of his friends!!

2nd is the clubs Xmas do!! Tim's not going but never mind!! Got a really busy December coming up!! so much to do if I'm fit. Extra running and a blog page or a just giving page to sort out for Mikeys run. That's how I'm thinking of it.  Lots to think about but it can wait for now, tomorrow is another day.........................

                                                                  Who's bed is it?

                                                               The Drove on a Sunday walk

                                                      
                                                          Sunset across the fen from the Drove

day 450/451/452

Well the week end has gone! how quickly time flies. Its true that we should make every minute count because in a blink we become old! i still feel as if i was eighteen sometimes what a shame the body cant keep a apace with the mind!!

So i went running on Sunday and only did 2 miles but the ankle felt fine. I just want to keep the breathing going!!! well what i have so far. Cardio vascular i believe its called! anyway i will see how things go tomorrow. The ankle feels sore at the moment. Maybe because we walked so far today.

First day of the holiday to day!! odd that yet again these waves of sadness wash over you. Mikey is remains in our thoughts, that's a good thing and we still haven't reached that period when we can think of him with gladness. Of course we are glad that we had him so long as we did but so very sad that he is no longer with us.
We should be grateful that any memory is good, i wish it were true. August the 12th is at the forefront. Will it always be so.
I thought today that i might look at his memory box, but cant do it. I know inside are his trainers and his ear plugs. Not for silence but the ones for his ear piercings.

We went to sunny hunny today and walked to Heacham. Duke loved it and was running and jumping all over!!
I will put some more pictures on tomorrow.

Bought some winter training gear  today, hats gloves and waistcoat!! got to stay warm and safe!!

Tonight a tooth fell out!!! it is a crown so goodness only knows how much that will cost at the dentist!! i remember when it last came off!! we had just moved in to the bungalow and we were due to have carpets fitted. Tom remembered that tonight, i had to open the door and not speak to anyone. Tim said i was to sleep alone other wise he may have woken and had a terrible shock!! Men. I have to say i stuck it on with chewing gum until i got to the dentist. I think this time i will not be so lucky. The tooth has come off and left a little behind!!  got the post still attached to the crown, that's something.

Off to Doncaster at the week end to help Tom do some packing as he should move into his new bungalow next week. It will be good to have a bit of space back and I'm sure he will be pleased to have his own space!!
Changes again!

Not sure what we will do tomorrow depends when i can be seen at the dentists!! I cant eat though!! soup for me for the next few days if they cant help. Eek!

Still, tomorrow is another day

Day 448/449

Its Friday and the end of a very long week, but at least I'm on holiday next week and i have left my phone at work! That's a first.

Went running last night and managed a measly 4 miles well nearly 5 but its pitiful!! still the ankle held up and that's the most important thing. Sue has been doing some extra training but i haven't been able to up till now but feel i should even if its only a couple of miles in between. My legs ached dreadfully and that hasn't happened for a while. Maybe because i have been cycling a lot. Well hey ho cant dwell on it, but then again why not. I want to wallow in my misery!!

I could feel misery creeping up behind me again! its been a while since i felt her breath on my neck and her cloak of blackness enfold me in her cold embrace. I i eluded her, just, but i wonder for how long?
 So last night after my run i went to bed early!!! and i was up at 3am bright eyed and bushy tailed! decided to go back to bed with a cup of tea. Awoke again at 5.30am and decided to go for a run and i did!!! In the dark, ipod strapped on and off i went. I could feel myself getting dizzy after a few yards!!! oops no breakfast! but i kept going and did 2 miles round the block. Ankle felt sore though so wont run tomorrow!! MANAGED TO FALL UP THE STAIRS AT WORK TWICE!!! How stupid was that, straight onto my wrists eek!!cant afford another broken wrist!! and jarred the ankle. Will i ever be fit!!
I'm an accident waiting to happen, just so clumsy!!
Strange day at work really, spent the morning shopping for bits for one of the lounges so it was a good morning, problem is you never get caught up, but then do we ever?
Meetings this afternoon, left a pile of papers on the desk, ah well they will still be waiting for me when i return.

Tom has got his bungalow! yippee so he will be moving out soon into his own space. I'm not sure how things will go but we can but try.
Tim's not been well tonight and had to lay down on the bed for a while. No Doctor,  just wont see anyone. I couldn't but help thinking that i wouldn't know what to do if anything happened to him. I cant go there, no,no,no!!!
Is it called burying ones head in the sand? yes!!! but I'm up to the waist if that is the case!!

I found Mikey's wedding vows tonight and it made me so sad. I remember the wedding, he was so proud that day and so in love. Despite everything that happened he loved Claire until he passed away.  I wonder if people realise when love that unconditional is given what a gift it is. Probably not. But hey i have become very cynical and hard over the last few months. I think that if you cover yourself with these protective shields you will not get hurt. I wonder how effective they are though.


The weather has changed today its so very cold! and standing outside it rained, it rained leaves!! they were everywhere, being dragged away from the branches by the wind in huge amounts. It was amazing. No camera either, isn't that always the way.

Tim's been talking today about missed opportunities. We made our decisions in the past and cant change them we can only look forward. Each day is a struggle for me and i just go from day to day and have i suppose become very selfish, i have changed!!! i have never thought of putting myself first and i guess that's what i have been doing and hang the consequences! lts hope i don't rue the day so to speak.

Do you know i may just do some decorating this week, just for a change!! May though i hasten to add!!

I'm running on Sunday with my great nephew and niece, they have taken pity on me and said we will help auntie Sue! i should be ashamed of myself and said no but to be honest i need as much help as i can so i said thank you!!! You never know that may be just the thing i need. Only a few miles though and save myself for the mid week runs.
We have entered a 10 mile run in December and that's not too far away so i have to get going!!!
Physio on Thursday and i hope that will be positive. Its been so long since i have been fit. Honestly, i don't think i really recovered from the injury i had before i went on holiday in June! 

Well I'm off to check Tim and then bed because Tomorrow is another day.................

Day 441/442/443/445/446/447

A week a whole week has gone by. Not through pleasure i may say.
Well the euphoria of the last blog didn't last very long. Went to physio Thursday feeling fab only to be told the the ligament was not healing as it should and i did too much on Tuesday! but the ankle felt fine. However since the last session of physio and the exercise regime its feeling sore so no running since then. I could have gone on Tuesday but had to stay at work till 8pm!
All the late nights and additional working hours has taken its toll on Tim and he is now really fed up with it. But what to do????
We are fast approaching the 12th again and its a date that just doesn't get any easier coping with. Still it will be Saturday and i can wallow a bit. It will be 14 months since we lost Mikey and a day doesn't go by without him being in our thoughts.

The weekend was spent on the computer working!!! Monday well i was feeling fairly OK. Tuesday well what a day!! We had our validation and other issues which certainly affected the outcome. That means back to the drawing board again!!! very disappointing. I'm so tired!
Today i had a meeting with my boss and i have asked for leave next week.
Tim was surprised and asked what i had planned. Days out was my reply!!! and i still have a week to take, but i need to chill and do some extra running otherwise i will not cope with next year.

Tonight back at work till gone midnight!! and I'm getting older.

I will work out a plan of action whilst i am off.
Been taking more photos and must try to get them downloaded!
Christmas is coming and not looking forward to that.
Toms been looking for somewhere to live that will let him have his dog and fingers crossed for that. I hope he will feel more settled and then do something about his house in Doncaster.

Duke continues to grow, and grow and grow some more. He is as tall as me when he jumps up with his paws over my shoulders. When will he stop growing.

I'm now going to work out how long it is till the marathon and work out some sort of training plan. Must get going!!! cannot afford to dawdle

So I'm tired and a tad fed up but at least tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 437/438/439/440

OK so its another 4 days. Good or bad, well that's to be decided.

Well i thought about running on Sunday and i guess i felt it was too risky! ankle seems to be getting there, sore now rather than painful.

Sue hasn't got a place up to now in the Olympic stadium run. Tim thinks he will come, Tom doubts it. Tim said i need to train harder to ensure i don't become a laughing stock!! How dare he! he thought it wouldn't look too good if i passed by a rhino or some other person in fancy dress! Well i said thanks for the support. Penny dropped, he realised it shouldn't have come out like that. Um.

We had a lovely long walk with Duke who decided that after 6 miles he wanted to rest! and lay down in the road looking very soulful. We sat outside our old house on a bench and talked about the time we spent there. Nice in a way. Eventually we all got home!

Monday loomed and all went surprisingly well!!! good inspection, yippee, one less weight to carry around.

Tuesday, running. Went surprisingly well and managed to run 5.6 miles with just two short ankle rest periods where we walked. Really pleased with how things went. Oh yes got up early for physio only to get there to find i was two days early. Oops.

Today another constructive day. Managed to get a lot done! getting there, slowly.
Tonight went to do some work on the computer only to find i had major problem, risk of losing everything. Tom managed to get me up and running in safe mode and then said save everything mum or you will lose it. I remember the summer when i had the virus that wasn't a virus!! and the problem we had getting some of the things back. So it was a visit to my niece and asked her to help.
I filled all my memory sticks and still not enough room! up to Tesco and bought a hard drive!! it has taken until midnight to save all my bits but job done!!! Lesson learned.
Tim went to bed whilst we were still saving info so will have to tell him tomorrow how much it was, oops again.

Sue wont be running tomorrow because she is in Scotland but i will go anyway, i need the practice. If all is well at physio will ask how much i can do now. Perhaps i can run without a stop, but i very wary now of over doing it, lesson well learnt!!!

I am having the morning at home to catch up on my work as i didn't get it done tonight. Have another visit due Friday so want to be prepared.

The weather is so mild for the time of year although we did have a spot of rain tonight, the Christmas lights are going up in town!!! and the shops full of seasonal bits! it seems to get here sooner and sooner.

Do i get my work done now or wait? wait i think. I certainly do not feel as stressed as i have done recently and just generally feel less rushed and sad. That's good but i am always very aware that tomorrow is another day.......................