New years Eve 2015

My goodness we have been on a very long 5 year journey. Tomorrow will be the start of a different route. Trying to be positive, remembering Mikey with joy and the good times. Its time to try and move forward otherwise grief just overwhelms you. It has the dark shadows, the cloak of despair which are to be removed and lifted. I have no doubt that from time to time I will sink into those low dark places but perhaps not so often and not for so long.

I need to find peace within me, I need to live and on my terms. Sometimes anger clouds your judgements and thought processes. Its only because of good friends who have propped me up and allowed me to do what I had to do, with no judgement. It is without doubt because of them I will be able to start a new journey.

Mikey never ever wanted us to be sad and yet when you lose a child no matter the age you cant help it. There are no guide books to tell you how to behave, no manuals to tell you how to fix a broken heart and no way to get back what you have lost. I think the truest love is to live a life in honour of the person you have lost. I don't mean live their life but not waste a precious gift of life we all have.

The one person who was the strongest was Mikey, we knew that but never fully appreciated just how hard it must have been for him. In a way I wonder if we have let him down but I will not dwell on that, I have to let negative thoughts go. This page will I trust do that for me.

I have set myself goals over the past 5 years and I have achieved them! and I think I lost my life's rudder for the last few months certainly after the London Marathon.

The decisions to leave work were the best. I think that had been haunting me for a long time. It certainly gave me the space I needed. Having counselling also helped. Why do these things take so long, ah well perhaps I was not ready.

So I have set myself new achievable targets, new goals and if all goes well will be sitting here this time next year congratulating myself, positive thoughts.

Every day is special and I will attempt to show that in my writings.

So with mixed feelings I close my blog for the last time this year, its not forever because.... tomorrow is another day......