Days 690-693

I hope the spell check is working tonight, just read the last one and saw several mistakes! ah well i can only hope.

Whats been happening, now lets see. Um work and the issues there continue although some headway being made, decisions have been made and I'm feeling as though i can begin to look forward! I would question whether its the right one but its done now!

Time hangs heavy at the moment and during the past few weeks i know i have changed. I can honestly say i have been in some strange moods and certainly question the rights and wrongs of the day! I also believe in Karma and certainly revenge is a dish best served cold, my day will come!!

Now that's out of the way i can move on and hope to be a bit more positive. I miss Mikey very much and would love to be able to share with him what I'm doing, goodness only knows that 2012 is a year of big changes for me. I didn't think that there would be so many and indeed so exciting, challenging and life changing! Was that the purpose of the special significance of 2012, i don't know but we are only half way through! There are things to look forward to and i do feel able to do that. I feel that the past few weeks i am beginning to face the sad truth and its hard. Mikey would be horrified to think i have spent so much time on being sad and miserable. When you speak about dying and what you would like family and friends to do, the actual carrying out those very things you agreed to is hard. I wonder if the dying know that. When Gordon was ill and he said what he wanted, did he realise the consequences of those wishes, i don't think so.

Death to me has been a dreadful time, well i know it is for everyone but personally i have coped with my boyfriend being killed on his way home form mine on his motorcycle when i was 17. My brother dying when he was 47, the impact that had on me and the relationship afterwards with my parents and my sisters was unbearable at times. The breakdown of my relationship between my sister and law and nieces was a consequence of choosing between them and my own family. It haunts me still. Shortly after, Tim's parents died within 5 months of each other. The impact that had on Tim was profound and i certainly do not want to go down that road. It nearly destroyed us. The loss of my parents and the deep sadness around that was again really hard. Dad wanted to stay at home and we shared the care but still had to continue to work. I worked nights and would see to the boys and then do the early shift with mum and dad. Mum passed away two weeks after Mikey got married.
Mikey oh dear dear Mikey its been such a hard road to tread and i know that i will be on that road for the rest of my life. I cant come to terms with it at all, i know a said that i was but i lied! Just going through the motions and escaping by running. Thank goodness for that.

So Sundays run went well! the knee held up and i did 5 miles in 57 Min's. Not as fast as i have done in the past but considering the knee injury i was happy.
Today's training run went well despite the fact i was struggling! 5.65 miles in 1hr 04mins, not bad i think. So now the race tomorrow evening, lets hope the old legs hold up!!

So to bed after all tomorrow is another day..........................