DAY 698-719

My goodness 3 weeks have passed so i expect to sit here for hours!
Whilst i have been pretty miserable over the past few weeks, nothing compares to what i was feeling when i first started to write this blog. If anything i have learnt that no matter what life throws at you we as humans have this odd ability to just get on with things, often the only way we as individuals can.

There is definitely no right or wrong way, you wake in the morning and you go to bed in the evening, you do sleep and we know that's whats occurred because we awake x number of hours later not being able to recall the fact that we closed our eyes and our last thoughts were during the night and now the suns shining through the window! That's how the days have been. Of course i have done various things and been to places and filled the time. So where was i 3 weeks ago.

Um.

Going back to Papworth was much harder than i thought it would be. Not for the reasons that worried me but oddly the fact that i was still angry that Mikey hadn't received his transplant! It had been raining and the event was in the park next to the hospital. How strange it was when i got out of the car and looked across to the very windows that we had spent so much time behind, looking across to the parkland from Mikey's room in the CF unit. That really hurt. I also missed being in there, now how odd is that. Maybe because such a huge part of our lives were spent visiting Mikey and whilst we may have been enjoying the views those very people we loved hated what we could see and would have given anything not to be looking out of those windows. Even though i know Mikey was suffering in those last few months i would have given anything to have been able to go and see him there. That's what hurt, him not being there. Bizarre! and yet true. And so i listened to other peoples stories, most older heart transplant people and thought i cant do this and when the Surgeon came i thought no way, i have done my bit, i came and now i want to go home! and i did sobbing all the way! I have to go back! for the photo with the cheque, not sure when but at least i am somewhat prepared now, another first over with.

I had my MRI scan on my knee and have spent the last few weeks waiting for the outcome of that, not much longer to wait I'm off to see the consultant tomorrow! lets hope that will be sorted out quickly.
This blog may well be muddled as i flit from one subject to another but hey ho! its my page so i guess its OK!

Work became such a trial, well not being there was should i say. The fact that i couldn't speak to anyone etc etc, The RCN have been fabulous, thank goodness for them. Anyway the company and i have parted and at least i have the ability to take time and regroup myself! I often questioned could the little man take on corporate companies and win, the answer is sort of! More about that later. So at least i now knew what i was not going to be doing and could think about the future.
I have spent the last two weeks enjoying my time off! and the sun has been out.

I have had a couple of small races and my word i was pitiful! lets think, ah well Stamford. It took ages to get there. An evening meet. We had a storm, the peak reaching us on our way to the club house to sign in!! the heavens opened, thunder, lightning, hail stones. In our kit running across a rugby field. Feet were sodden and squelching, clothes were sticking to our skins, and in my case not a pretty sight! Lycra, and wet Lycra on a pleasantly plump older person is not in any way flattering! Still it was only a short run. Oh my word, there were hills, and it was a two lap road race. We finished but not a cup of tea to be had. The knee really didn't like the hills!!! and it took hours to thaw through! and dry out.

The second race was last week and i wasn't happy!!! it was a challenge against Wisbech. I was told it would be 6 miles. Well i have been struggling with 3 but thought i would give it a go, especially as i may not be able to run for a while. Well my word! we were set off in different groups and i was given a faster time to get round in and no way could i do that. It was cross country across fields where the grass and weeds were as big as triffids! and it was hot, i mean hot!!! i spent some time walking with a man whose knee had gone as well, he flagged down a car and got a lift back i kept going, in a fashion! i was worn out!! Not only that i had been for an interview in the morning, just got back and went up the club to prepare the sarnies etc for the evening, got home changed and back to run. Nothing to eat, I'm sure that's what it was, after all a car will not go with out fuel so why on earth would a body! well that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it! oh and it was closer to 7 miles!!!
The run on Thursday was just as bad the knee gave up and i thought that's it now, i cant do anymore so I'm waiting for tomorrow! but i have one more little race at Werrington on Wednesday and then i get a t shirt!!!! the things we do for a printed shirt!!

Tom goes extreme cycling and has taken my sunglasses! so i ended up running in some new ones, cant say I'm over struck with them and they didn't make me go faster!

Tim and i have spent several days in Doncaster sorting Toms house out, decorating and gardening!! we are going two days this week again. We took Duke and it was so funny seeing him walk on laminate flooring! he looked like Bambi all legs and no grip!

The Olympics have started. The last time Mikey was at home we talked about the Olympics and he stood in the room and asked if we thought he would be here for them. He hoped he would have had a trnasplant . We said we would watch them for him if he wasnt. Never thinking that we would and never realising that he would not be here. And so we are spending the time watching the events and thinking about Mikey and wondering which he would have really enjoyed. We know it would have been the track events. Mikey loved the winter Olympics too and stayed up late watching them. I guess that will be another first for us then. But for now the next two weeks will be special, sad and then what? because we have had this time to fous on, what will our tomorrows be for? i dont know.


its two weeks to the 12th and it will be two years. Two long sad years. It could have been yesterday. I was watching a TV programme late one night and it was a mother talking about losing her child and she was heartbroken and her loss occurred 5 years ago and to her it was like yesterday too. We miss Mikey so very much, we will never be the same, the hurt is no less the frequency of our pain isn't as often. We function and we are getting on with our lives. They will never be the same and we are learning to adapt. I still cry in the early hours of the morning, i don't sleep as well as i should. I run because it hurts, that way i know i have some feelings.

Well to bed then because that what we do, ah well tomorrow is another day.......................