Well i thought i would try to make sense of what has been happening recently. Michael felt writing about things was therapautic so just maybe this will help me. I dont know but i will give it a go.
It just seems so hard to beleive that we will never see Mikey again. I have read all his blog spots including his CF site and found his writing amazing.
Will this make depressing reading, well maybe it will but hopefully i will be able to look back and see that we have moved on at some time. I hope so.
I dont know how to make these pages interesting, no doubt over time i will learn how to do that as well. I havent got Mikey to ask now, still he ran out of patience with me when i tried to connect the blessed wireless to this computer, he said ive told you three times im not having anything else to do with it. With that i opened the boxes and got cracking. I managed to connect on his last visit home.
I have decided to run/walk the 2012 london marathon for cf in Mikeys memory i hope by then i will have come to terms with losing him. Will i?
Im sure these posts are going to be muddled and be odd, however they are my thoughts and feelings so i suppose thats ok.
Tims in bed and i cant sleep, well there is a surprise!
Tim said today i must look at Mikeys death as a positive thing, that he is no longer suffering and no longer in pain, and that if he had woken up on that day he would have been distraught that he would never be able to have transplant and that we would still have lost him and he would have continued to suffer, emotionally and physically. Im sure he is right but i still want what i cant have. Tim thinks we would be selfish to wish that on him. I guess!
I know he was lonely and i wish i could have taken that hurt away for him and i suppose im angry about that. I wonder about how scared he must have been and if he had someone to talk to about that. I know Maddy gave him a lot of support and his CF friends but im his mum and i hurt for him. Tim says he made some very hard decisions and he must have spent time thinking about those, but they were Mikeys choices and we must respect that and that he was very courageous. I know but this damned CF!
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