Day 3

I woke this morning got up and wanted tonight to come so i could go back to bed and not think about a thing. Well life's not like that is it.

Tim really doesn't know what to do to make feel better, come to that neither do i. I walk into Mikey's room and can seeing him lying on the bed sleeping cos hes so tired. I go into the kitchen and can see him with his head resting on his arms on the work top because he was so exhausted walking from the car. I can see him in the lounge sitting in the chair looking so sad and worn out. Why couldn't we see how ill he was. Why did we just see this as normal for him and just part of his CF. Why couldn't we see that he was like Ed and James. Why am i torturing myself? why cant i remember the good times as he so wanted us to. Why cant i accept that he didn't want me to take photos of him. Mikey said i don't want you to take pics of me when I'm ill. I just wanted to take photos of him that was all.

I went down to Eastwood today and cried cos it upsets Tim to see me upset and i cant stop it so i went out of the way. Can i keep doing that? can i keep it in because i don't want to upset him? Where can i go and what can i do? i will work it out i expect.

Jen rang this morning and asked us if we wanted to go to lunch, i still don't want to eat but if i don't have anything neither does Tim and that makes me feel guilty, so i eat and feel sick. I expect that will get better to in time.

Time! a great healer but not yet, not yet.

Ive walked 4 miles today getting ready for my marathon in 2012. Tim said I've got to have some decent trainers so expect we will go and get some.
Tom if you are reading this don't get upset its just me rambling and getting things off my chest, its the only way i know how to.

Joni yet again has been looking after us and we do very much appreciate that. How strange and sad for Tim that not one member of his family has been in touch with him to see how he is. Tim must feel very let down by them and i don't know what to say to him. Tim said tonight all he cares about is me and Tom and how much having Tom in the house helped him. Toms on holiday soon and said he will come down, praps they can have a game of golf together. Tim wants me to go to the golf range and practice hitting some balls. Once i can hit a ball properly then to start playing. That may take some time.

I must ask Joni how to add pictures to these posts but that can wait.

I'm going to ring Mikey's Consultant tomorrow to make appointment to see her she maybe able to answer some questions.

I spoke to Claire tonight on messenger and i felt better for that, she is coping so well and incredibly brave for one so young. I wish i was able to.

Well i better go and have another session with Roger Black.

Until tomorrow.........