Gosh it just seems that I'm getting later and later writing at the moment. Tims tucked up in bed and its so damn cold!!!
Reflecting back over the last few days has been a revelation and has enabled us to look ahead, just a little but its a start.
The days away have given us back a little of each other and above all else a bit of tolerance too. I can at least come home now to a husband and someone that i can relate to. None of these have been Tims fault but more me and how i have perceived life i think.
Having spent the last three days sleeping for most of the time walking the rest and just chilling and enjoying a change of scenery have worked wonders.
The weather although cold was dry and we have been able to get out and do some good walks. The Royal walk at Torquay and a late night walk or two by the ocean has been so calming. There has been no hustle and bustle, no deadlines to meet just us and time!! and for once not our mortal enemy.
The one thing we have said is that Mikey would have been interested and pleased that we had done something different but we know that had Mikey been here now we would have just chugged away in our boring way. Sad isn't it that we had to wait for this to happen and in some ways allowed life and our youth to pass without being aware. But we are where we are now and need to make the most of the time we have left to us. We are looking to go away again in March.
It was so easy sitting in our lodge looking out at the ocean and seeing the horizon, imagining what it was like years ago when it was thought that the horizon was the end of the earth and we would drop off the edge, or imagining the fear of those living close to the sea and watching invaders approach. A time to imagine and enjoy our solitude. For once not dwelling on what has passed.
Mikey was with us in thoughts but we were able to have some joy in our memories and not so much despair. Today however sadness did return but not in that surge of feeling that we drowned in, we have been able to surf the water and are still standing.
The unpleasant thoughts of the last few weeks and the effect the actions of others have had on us are now just an unpleasant fading memory and we can concentrate on Mikey and on Tom, that has to be good.
Our paper lanterns will be a beacon of our love and thoughts, at last i can see something positive to happen on Xmas day. Not much but some small precious moment to look towards.
Tom is snowed in up in Doncaster as they have had some heavy snowfall, we have had very little in comparison, i hope he will be down for a while next week. We are both looking forward to that.
I wonder what he will think of Mikey being here with us, as yet Tom has not seen his treasured place here at home. I hope he will not think it morbid but a comfort. We shall see.
No time to put any more pics here tonight but tomorrow is another day........
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
Monday, 29 November 2010
Day 91-94
Oh my goodness, i have so much to write and there is no way i am going to do it all tonight!! i have just finished downloading my photos and that has taken ages!!! Not the most proficient on the computer!
Since returning today i have spent hours trying to get some boots. Yep we came back to find this part of the country has been having snow. Lucky us we escaped all but a light dusting last night.
No luck shops sold out of my size and i was not a happy bunny when a shop assistant offered me a pair of just above ankle length fur boots, the type my mother used to wear!! now ready for those just yet. So off to the big town on Thursday by the look of things.
Friday, we left at 0400hrs to travel down and miss the traffic says Tim. Well its a bit of adventure so i didn't mind, much!!
The drive down was quiet and by the time we reached Bristol the Temp was -4.5 not looking good, and as daylight came the sun was casting shadows over the frost covered fields and hills a buzzard glided on the wind just to the side of the car. The sheep with their winter coats proudly marching in single file, heads held high climbing ever upwards. Strange to see considering all our land is so flat in the fens.
It was strange driving on the M5 to see the frost covered fields on the left and the clear fields on the right where the sun had reached. Another buzzard.
Tim made good time really and we reached Torquay at 10am to glorious sunshine and the Temp had raised another 13 degrees.. It was really warm. We went and sat round the harbour and sunbathed. OK we had our coats on but the glasses were pushed up on top of my head, eyes closed head back and sigh. we needed this.
Returning to the car we passed a small kiosk which was open!!! and in the window shouting out at me was a small fridge magnet and on it it said... Don't count the days, make the days count. An omen/ i think so in i went and purchased it. I have it here beside me as i write!
Lunch El fresco and headed to accommodation to settle in. 3pm and the day was drawing to a close!! Wonderful lodge, bottle of wine waiting and the heating on, beautiful. View was stunning. We could feel ourselves relaxing.
Unpack short rest and decided to go to the cinema. What a mistake, the phone started to ring. That it was it for the night. Tim didn't grumble but suggested next time we come away to leave the wretched thing behind!!! Sounds like a good plan!!!
So it was a quick snack and an early night
Already it felt like a weight had lifted.
I'm actually really tired!! so its bed for me and i will continue with the eventful weekend!! later, in fact I'm going to save it because tomorrow is another day..............
Since returning today i have spent hours trying to get some boots. Yep we came back to find this part of the country has been having snow. Lucky us we escaped all but a light dusting last night.
No luck shops sold out of my size and i was not a happy bunny when a shop assistant offered me a pair of just above ankle length fur boots, the type my mother used to wear!! now ready for those just yet. So off to the big town on Thursday by the look of things.
Friday, we left at 0400hrs to travel down and miss the traffic says Tim. Well its a bit of adventure so i didn't mind, much!!
The drive down was quiet and by the time we reached Bristol the Temp was -4.5 not looking good, and as daylight came the sun was casting shadows over the frost covered fields and hills a buzzard glided on the wind just to the side of the car. The sheep with their winter coats proudly marching in single file, heads held high climbing ever upwards. Strange to see considering all our land is so flat in the fens.
It was strange driving on the M5 to see the frost covered fields on the left and the clear fields on the right where the sun had reached. Another buzzard.
Tim made good time really and we reached Torquay at 10am to glorious sunshine and the Temp had raised another 13 degrees.. It was really warm. We went and sat round the harbour and sunbathed. OK we had our coats on but the glasses were pushed up on top of my head, eyes closed head back and sigh. we needed this.
Returning to the car we passed a small kiosk which was open!!! and in the window shouting out at me was a small fridge magnet and on it it said... Don't count the days, make the days count. An omen/ i think so in i went and purchased it. I have it here beside me as i write!
Lunch El fresco and headed to accommodation to settle in. 3pm and the day was drawing to a close!! Wonderful lodge, bottle of wine waiting and the heating on, beautiful. View was stunning. We could feel ourselves relaxing.
Unpack short rest and decided to go to the cinema. What a mistake, the phone started to ring. That it was it for the night. Tim didn't grumble but suggested next time we come away to leave the wretched thing behind!!! Sounds like a good plan!!!
So it was a quick snack and an early night
Already it felt like a weight had lifted.
I'm actually really tired!! so its bed for me and i will continue with the eventful weekend!! later, in fact I'm going to save it because tomorrow is another day..............
Thursday, 25 November 2010
Day 90
Its 0100hrs and we are off to Devon in few hours!!
Winter is here and its so frosty!!! the Autumn leaves are stuck to the pavements like slivers of frozen skin. Dangerous for someone like me. Not the most stable person on her feet!! Clumsy would be more apt.
Snow has been falling over the country and as usual we are not prepared!! However i have packed blankets flasks extra clothing just in case.
We hope these few days away will give us chance to get to know each other all over again i wonder if we will like what we find!!! We have been together since we are 17!!! cant throw all that time away.
Tims decided that as there is a risk of snow and that means grit on the road we wont be taking his car!!! the salt may effect the wheels!! so we are going in mine. Oops needed two new tyres on the front today and tonight went to fill the car up only to find only one headlight working. My fault of course for not checking. Hello! i don't look when I'm in the car. How many women switch the lights on and then get out to see if the lights are working, ummm! Anyway i would have noticed that the drive looked a little dim tonight, wouldn't i?
I wonder how long it will take us? depends on the weather i expect. Still i expect i will sleep most of the way! There is something about being in a car that sends me to sleep. Mike used to sleep when we fetched him home and took him back to Papworth. Thinking about it both boys sleep if they are passengers. Must be contentment!!
I adore the work of the Devon artists and the oil paintings by Gordon Allen are superb. The black and white paintings of the harbours and coastline are exquisite I wonder if i should get another!! If their studio is open i may well do that.
If i had a gift it would be one that enables me to put brush to canvas, oh well I'm trying hard with photography and will have to see what i come up with over the next few days. Ive tried to persuade Tim to go to Dartmoor but that fell on stony ground, still we will have to see.
I wont be blogging for the next few days but plan to write an epistle on Monday. No computer whilst away!!!
Now its almost time i am actually beginning to look forward to the time away and that's a good feeling. I hope it lasts. Ah well we will see and Tomorrow is another day.....................
Winter is here and its so frosty!!! the Autumn leaves are stuck to the pavements like slivers of frozen skin. Dangerous for someone like me. Not the most stable person on her feet!! Clumsy would be more apt.
Snow has been falling over the country and as usual we are not prepared!! However i have packed blankets flasks extra clothing just in case.
We hope these few days away will give us chance to get to know each other all over again i wonder if we will like what we find!!! We have been together since we are 17!!! cant throw all that time away.
Tims decided that as there is a risk of snow and that means grit on the road we wont be taking his car!!! the salt may effect the wheels!! so we are going in mine. Oops needed two new tyres on the front today and tonight went to fill the car up only to find only one headlight working. My fault of course for not checking. Hello! i don't look when I'm in the car. How many women switch the lights on and then get out to see if the lights are working, ummm! Anyway i would have noticed that the drive looked a little dim tonight, wouldn't i?
I wonder how long it will take us? depends on the weather i expect. Still i expect i will sleep most of the way! There is something about being in a car that sends me to sleep. Mike used to sleep when we fetched him home and took him back to Papworth. Thinking about it both boys sleep if they are passengers. Must be contentment!!
I adore the work of the Devon artists and the oil paintings by Gordon Allen are superb. The black and white paintings of the harbours and coastline are exquisite I wonder if i should get another!! If their studio is open i may well do that.
If i had a gift it would be one that enables me to put brush to canvas, oh well I'm trying hard with photography and will have to see what i come up with over the next few days. Ive tried to persuade Tim to go to Dartmoor but that fell on stony ground, still we will have to see.
I wont be blogging for the next few days but plan to write an epistle on Monday. No computer whilst away!!!
Now its almost time i am actually beginning to look forward to the time away and that's a good feeling. I hope it lasts. Ah well we will see and Tomorrow is another day.....................
Wednesday, 24 November 2010
Day 89
They say the calm comes before the storm don't they?
So what went wrong, i feel like i have been in the eye of a tornado today. I only just feel calm and reasonably chilled and its gone midnight!.
Woke this morning talking to myself, not a good sign however i was not to know that at the time!!!
Got to work and before i had closed the entrance door i had staff wanting to see me urgently! Why is that when they want something they cant wait, but if i want something from them i can never get hold of them? Well i suppose that's life!! Basically i didn't get my coat off until 1030 today and i may as well put it back on and gone home for the day!!
Life at the moment is full of these odd days, i wonder if its when i have a bad day the old body is saying cant have two like that, lets find something else to keep her mind busy. Enough!!! Please!!
Met with another parent whose son is dying slowly and he has a young son, how tragic is that. I wonder how she copes and yet she sat and asked me the very same question, we cried together, there was no embarrassment just two parents grieving for each other and our losses. How wonderful is that. It gives you hope for humanity. That was an hour of respite and it was back to work!! I just didn't stop and yet cant measure the work i got through today. Ah well my mind and body know what i achieved.
Misery has left me alone for a while and i will not mention again as i don't want to tempt fate. In her place i have a little gremlin perched on my shoulder constantly chattering away. Driving me mad. That's good because at least i am able to recognise these bizarre creatures that are haunting me. Actually it has been easy for me to put substance to my worries and feelings and by giving them names!!! It defines barriers and that has helped me from slipping of the very tenuous path I'm on. Lets hope the crampons work!!!!!
We are off to Devon on Friday and the weather remains forecast for snow. Shovel, flask and blanket to go with us!!
I will miss my Blogging!! How will i cope, will i have days worth of thought s and feelings going round and round in my head. Not sure how that will be for me. Its a test i expect!!! Wonder if i will pass.
Mike you were right its damn cold in this bedroom!! your rucksack sits on the floor propped against your unit, i just have not been able to take your things out of it. It will be all to final, God we miss you son of ours.
Tom is hoping to get a transfer back to this area on compassionate grounds i do hope so. I am aware how hard it is for him so far from all his family and friends. Is there any chance of a bit of luck for this family?
Ah well i suppose tomorrow is another day...............
So what went wrong, i feel like i have been in the eye of a tornado today. I only just feel calm and reasonably chilled and its gone midnight!.
Woke this morning talking to myself, not a good sign however i was not to know that at the time!!!
Got to work and before i had closed the entrance door i had staff wanting to see me urgently! Why is that when they want something they cant wait, but if i want something from them i can never get hold of them? Well i suppose that's life!! Basically i didn't get my coat off until 1030 today and i may as well put it back on and gone home for the day!!
Life at the moment is full of these odd days, i wonder if its when i have a bad day the old body is saying cant have two like that, lets find something else to keep her mind busy. Enough!!! Please!!
Met with another parent whose son is dying slowly and he has a young son, how tragic is that. I wonder how she copes and yet she sat and asked me the very same question, we cried together, there was no embarrassment just two parents grieving for each other and our losses. How wonderful is that. It gives you hope for humanity. That was an hour of respite and it was back to work!! I just didn't stop and yet cant measure the work i got through today. Ah well my mind and body know what i achieved.
Misery has left me alone for a while and i will not mention again as i don't want to tempt fate. In her place i have a little gremlin perched on my shoulder constantly chattering away. Driving me mad. That's good because at least i am able to recognise these bizarre creatures that are haunting me. Actually it has been easy for me to put substance to my worries and feelings and by giving them names!!! It defines barriers and that has helped me from slipping of the very tenuous path I'm on. Lets hope the crampons work!!!!!
We are off to Devon on Friday and the weather remains forecast for snow. Shovel, flask and blanket to go with us!!
I will miss my Blogging!! How will i cope, will i have days worth of thought s and feelings going round and round in my head. Not sure how that will be for me. Its a test i expect!!! Wonder if i will pass.
Mike you were right its damn cold in this bedroom!! your rucksack sits on the floor propped against your unit, i just have not been able to take your things out of it. It will be all to final, God we miss you son of ours.
Tom is hoping to get a transfer back to this area on compassionate grounds i do hope so. I am aware how hard it is for him so far from all his family and friends. Is there any chance of a bit of luck for this family?
Ah well i suppose tomorrow is another day...............
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Day 88
I know you read this blog every day Diana so today this is for you.
Friends like you are rare. We have known each other for 30years. Oh my goodness isn't that a long time!!! Our children were born very close to each other, Mathew and Tom and then Mikey and Victoria. I treasure our friendship more that anything you have been such a great support over the past few months and yet never expecting anything from me, just there propping me up by your kind thoughts and messages. Today i really needed those hugs and i just want the world to know that i love you xxxxxx. Don't worry I'm only away for three days so i promise a huge blog next Monday!!!
I hope Tim and i can get back on track and do some communicating! Well it does talk of snow and we may just be stuck in doors with each other for all of that time EEK.
Diana and me early 8o's look at the ambulance Di a bit dated now!!
Ive had some really bad days and some not so bad ones, I'm so lucky to have so many people who really care for us and worry about us. So to everyone of those and i know you also read this my heartfelt thanks and immense gratitude just for being there, for putting up with me and most of all for understanding the pain I'm going through. I cant say this out loud because i will just get upset and i cant cope with that now. Tears are for home and private time now. Yep i know i cant help the odd slip and know that it will happen when i least expect it but perfection I'm not!!
I am still amazed by the human race and i suppose i am really gullible, Mike and Tim frequently have told me that, but i look to see the best in people really and never think that they would think and act the way they do!! i suppose i expect their standards to be the same. I never expected the term 'in laws' to be used quite so early and i then question how Mikey was thought of or not?? If that's the case why deprive a parent of treasured belongings. That's something i guess i will never know but if the boot was on the other foot i know i wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I expect the correct word is conscience, some have one and some don't. Thank goodness my parents taught me how to be a decent person. Thanks folks even though your not here now i miss you both to.
I am at least able to write my feelings down and its been such a relief, each night going to bed having unburdened myself. Knowing that these thoughts are mine alone!! Yes the reader will make their own mind up about me and the way I'm dealing with grief, everyone copes differently so who is to say I'm wrong!! what a relief saying that.
At this very moment I'm feeling more settled, no longer angry, a little confused and very very sad still but it in control more often than not. That's progress. But we all no that tomorrow is another day......
Friends like you are rare. We have known each other for 30years. Oh my goodness isn't that a long time!!! Our children were born very close to each other, Mathew and Tom and then Mikey and Victoria. I treasure our friendship more that anything you have been such a great support over the past few months and yet never expecting anything from me, just there propping me up by your kind thoughts and messages. Today i really needed those hugs and i just want the world to know that i love you xxxxxx. Don't worry I'm only away for three days so i promise a huge blog next Monday!!!
I hope Tim and i can get back on track and do some communicating! Well it does talk of snow and we may just be stuck in doors with each other for all of that time EEK.
Diana and me early 8o's look at the ambulance Di a bit dated now!!
Ive had some really bad days and some not so bad ones, I'm so lucky to have so many people who really care for us and worry about us. So to everyone of those and i know you also read this my heartfelt thanks and immense gratitude just for being there, for putting up with me and most of all for understanding the pain I'm going through. I cant say this out loud because i will just get upset and i cant cope with that now. Tears are for home and private time now. Yep i know i cant help the odd slip and know that it will happen when i least expect it but perfection I'm not!!
I am still amazed by the human race and i suppose i am really gullible, Mike and Tim frequently have told me that, but i look to see the best in people really and never think that they would think and act the way they do!! i suppose i expect their standards to be the same. I never expected the term 'in laws' to be used quite so early and i then question how Mikey was thought of or not?? If that's the case why deprive a parent of treasured belongings. That's something i guess i will never know but if the boot was on the other foot i know i wouldn't be like that. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. I expect the correct word is conscience, some have one and some don't. Thank goodness my parents taught me how to be a decent person. Thanks folks even though your not here now i miss you both to.
I am at least able to write my feelings down and its been such a relief, each night going to bed having unburdened myself. Knowing that these thoughts are mine alone!! Yes the reader will make their own mind up about me and the way I'm dealing with grief, everyone copes differently so who is to say I'm wrong!! what a relief saying that.
At this very moment I'm feeling more settled, no longer angry, a little confused and very very sad still but it in control more often than not. That's progress. But we all no that tomorrow is another day......
Monday, 22 November 2010
Day 87
i have been trying to put some new music on my ipod ready for the road and was listening to AFI Morning Star. It is a beautiful song but very sad. It was one of Mikeys favourite tracks. I now wonder if it had so much meaning for him listening to the lyrics. Mikey and Claire went through several bad patches and is this how Mikey felt.
I cant ask him but it makes me so sad that i couldn't offer comfort if it was. How lonely he must have been feeling.
He was so incredibly strong and it makes me feel almost inadequate as a parent that all this was going on in his mind as well as coming to terms with the possible end of his life. How on earth did he keep sane, how on earth he didn't crumble i will never know. I am aware that he had so much support from other CF sufferers and he kept in touch and chatted with them on the CF site. What a comfort that must have been for him. All these young people from all over the world keeping in contact with each other is pretty amazing.
And then was Maddie, Mikeys very close friend who he loved and shared so many of his worries. I am so grateful that he had her in his life.
Maddie Hull taken by Mikey July 2010
Mikey taken by Maddie July 2010
Do we take our friends for granted? may be us fit and healthy people do, i know Michael didn't. How he loved!! One of the things he used to say was don't judge just accept. I read a quote tonight and it went.. if you spend time making judgements you have no time to love. That's a lesson i think for us all!! I am trying. Its not easy and yet Mikey managed so why cant i.
I think if you have everything to lose you do look at life differently. I hope our time away this week end will give us the time to talk without distraction and come to terms with some of the changes in our lives. Something or someone has to give, will it be me? if it is can i live a life like that. I don't know, we can only try our best.
I may be spending to much of my time analysing situations,events and comments too deeply, i should just accept as Mikey said. I wish i could I'm to me!!!
It talks of snow for the week end!! Tim said we may be snowed in for 6 months, my reply was well one of will come out in the spring!! but who will it be. Survival instincts say me!!!! reality says Tim. We shall hope for an early thaw!!!
My beautiful niece Joni continues to be a great support always texting to see if we are OK. Tom and Joni keep in touch and i am so pleased Tom now takes the time to answer her. I wish Tom and Mike had been closer. That's families, it is often to late to make that effort and then live with the consequences. I know Tom misses Mikey and he still feels that he should have been sorted for a transplant much earlier. Tom sees things in black and white. I chose not to other wise i will beat myself up every day.
Mikey was the adult who made his decisions and we always respected him and his choices. We didn't always agree but we kept that to our selves. Tim said yesterday that if he had persuaded Mikey not to have had the operation he would have been so upset to have seen him lying in bed knowing that there was no future for him. Tim could not bear that. I think we are slowly beginning to discuss what happened and although its hard i do think we need to talk.
At the time of Mikeys death we did talk but slowly in our distress we closed our minds to that and focused on other things happening at the time. We have not been able to have closure yet.... but tomorrow is another day
I cant ask him but it makes me so sad that i couldn't offer comfort if it was. How lonely he must have been feeling.
He was so incredibly strong and it makes me feel almost inadequate as a parent that all this was going on in his mind as well as coming to terms with the possible end of his life. How on earth did he keep sane, how on earth he didn't crumble i will never know. I am aware that he had so much support from other CF sufferers and he kept in touch and chatted with them on the CF site. What a comfort that must have been for him. All these young people from all over the world keeping in contact with each other is pretty amazing.
And then was Maddie, Mikeys very close friend who he loved and shared so many of his worries. I am so grateful that he had her in his life.
Do we take our friends for granted? may be us fit and healthy people do, i know Michael didn't. How he loved!! One of the things he used to say was don't judge just accept. I read a quote tonight and it went.. if you spend time making judgements you have no time to love. That's a lesson i think for us all!! I am trying. Its not easy and yet Mikey managed so why cant i.
I think if you have everything to lose you do look at life differently. I hope our time away this week end will give us the time to talk without distraction and come to terms with some of the changes in our lives. Something or someone has to give, will it be me? if it is can i live a life like that. I don't know, we can only try our best.
I may be spending to much of my time analysing situations,events and comments too deeply, i should just accept as Mikey said. I wish i could I'm to me!!!
It talks of snow for the week end!! Tim said we may be snowed in for 6 months, my reply was well one of will come out in the spring!! but who will it be. Survival instincts say me!!!! reality says Tim. We shall hope for an early thaw!!!
My beautiful niece Joni continues to be a great support always texting to see if we are OK. Tom and Joni keep in touch and i am so pleased Tom now takes the time to answer her. I wish Tom and Mike had been closer. That's families, it is often to late to make that effort and then live with the consequences. I know Tom misses Mikey and he still feels that he should have been sorted for a transplant much earlier. Tom sees things in black and white. I chose not to other wise i will beat myself up every day.
Mikey was the adult who made his decisions and we always respected him and his choices. We didn't always agree but we kept that to our selves. Tim said yesterday that if he had persuaded Mikey not to have had the operation he would have been so upset to have seen him lying in bed knowing that there was no future for him. Tim could not bear that. I think we are slowly beginning to discuss what happened and although its hard i do think we need to talk.
At the time of Mikeys death we did talk but slowly in our distress we closed our minds to that and focused on other things happening at the time. We have not been able to have closure yet.... but tomorrow is another day
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Day 86
21st November!!! 28 years ago today Tom was born. Thank goodness we couldn't see into the future then.
Having your first child gives you so much hope and you imagine all their life for them. What they will achieve etc your dreams are all happy ones. Never in a million years did we imagine how we would be feeling 28 years on.
Would we have changed anything, that's such a hard question to answer. Would we have been happy not to have had Mikey in our lives, absolutely not. But most certainly wish we had never had to deal with CF and all that comes with that. We have met some wonderful people but no one would want their child to suffer as we watched ours.
It was strange not seeing Tom today and not having a birthday cake!!! We always have a special day no matter what. But not today. Toms not into relationships at the moment. That may change, however i don't think that Tim or I will ever be grandparents. So i really ought to clear the loft of the vast amount of games Lego etc that we have up in the loft. Mikeys action men all in their original boxes. Mikey so looked after all his belongings. Was so very tidy. Toms the opposite, or was, maybe he has changed!!!
I have had a few dodgy moments today, holding back the tears but sitting here now can feel my eyes filling. I can so see his face on that last day, and i so wish i could turn back the clock and hold back time. Sadly i am aware that its impossible. Odd but in this last sentence there are three song titles well almost!!
Went to Eastwood today and took some silk flowers for mum and dad. The weather is changing and the sisters may not be able to get when its their turn. I looked for our plots today and thought about who will visit us. No one will. there will only be Tom. In a 100 years i wonder if visitors to Eastwood will look at our markers and wonder who we were. You never know it may be me in another life. I hope i make a better job of it next time around!!
It talks of snow for next week!! and we are away on Friday. I am looking forward to it now. Not sure how we will cope so far from all we know but i truly believe that if we don't go now then next year will be so hard. The last time we were there Mikey had just split up with Claire and was devastated. We didn't want to go away but he insisted. We arranged for my sisters to visit and keep in contact but for those two weeks he kept himself to himself and spent most of the time asleep of was very low in mood. It was then that he decided to get his camera. He only had a few weeks to use it. If we only knew!
I'm getting sad now and that means i will not be able to sleep so on a happier note......... um cant think of anything!!! ah well Tomorrows another day!..........
Having your first child gives you so much hope and you imagine all their life for them. What they will achieve etc your dreams are all happy ones. Never in a million years did we imagine how we would be feeling 28 years on.
Would we have changed anything, that's such a hard question to answer. Would we have been happy not to have had Mikey in our lives, absolutely not. But most certainly wish we had never had to deal with CF and all that comes with that. We have met some wonderful people but no one would want their child to suffer as we watched ours.
It was strange not seeing Tom today and not having a birthday cake!!! We always have a special day no matter what. But not today. Toms not into relationships at the moment. That may change, however i don't think that Tim or I will ever be grandparents. So i really ought to clear the loft of the vast amount of games Lego etc that we have up in the loft. Mikeys action men all in their original boxes. Mikey so looked after all his belongings. Was so very tidy. Toms the opposite, or was, maybe he has changed!!!
I have had a few dodgy moments today, holding back the tears but sitting here now can feel my eyes filling. I can so see his face on that last day, and i so wish i could turn back the clock and hold back time. Sadly i am aware that its impossible. Odd but in this last sentence there are three song titles well almost!!
Went to Eastwood today and took some silk flowers for mum and dad. The weather is changing and the sisters may not be able to get when its their turn. I looked for our plots today and thought about who will visit us. No one will. there will only be Tom. In a 100 years i wonder if visitors to Eastwood will look at our markers and wonder who we were. You never know it may be me in another life. I hope i make a better job of it next time around!!
It talks of snow for next week!! and we are away on Friday. I am looking forward to it now. Not sure how we will cope so far from all we know but i truly believe that if we don't go now then next year will be so hard. The last time we were there Mikey had just split up with Claire and was devastated. We didn't want to go away but he insisted. We arranged for my sisters to visit and keep in contact but for those two weeks he kept himself to himself and spent most of the time asleep of was very low in mood. It was then that he decided to get his camera. He only had a few weeks to use it. If we only knew!
I'm getting sad now and that means i will not be able to sleep so on a happier note......... um cant think of anything!!! ah well Tomorrows another day!..........
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