Day 135

OK so i got up early this morning to go to the meet and yes the knee just is not behaving itself. Sure enough Lisa and Keith were waiting for me. There was no way i was going to walk a lamp post distance let alone a run so i went home feeling very dejected!!

I so want to do this and am finding obstacles already and its only the first week. So i have rested today. Literally just sat down or laid on the settee all day!
Leg in the support popped the pills and am hoping!! See what the Doc says.
I'm looking at the hula hoop um, i wonder if that will work standing on one leg. Shall i try? best not, liable to fall over and do more damage to this failing body of mine!!

Spoke to Lin today and she is having problems to. Spent the conversation comparing knees!!! and our weights.
Tim was on the floor wiping the tiles and i had this sudden impulse to leap on his back, feeling a moment of youth here. Duly did and only for Tim to say, hey Sue don't mind you getting on but tell the other two to get off!!! So much for feeling good. I have to say it did make me laugh though.

Its been another day that i have managed to get through without hurting so much. Missing Mikey is never going to stop but the pain of his loss has not been so profound for the past week. I wonder if its because i have had so much else to think about. Maybe.

Its my birthday on Tuesday and this will be the first one with no humorouss card from Mikey. Mikey always remembered birthdays, mothers days and fathers days etc. Tom, well it just goes past him he rarely remembers. Mikes cards are usually about botox or weight orientated!! love him xx.

It would have been Audreys birthday on Tuesday as well, last year we were at a conference the day after. Now she is no longer with us, it will be almost a year since she died in a horrific accident going home from work. Now another very close colleague has been diagnosed with breast cancer. Is there no end to tragedy. I will try and support her but i know it will be hard.

I had a beautiful basket of spring flowers in a basket for Xmas from Mikey's swimming teacher/school lunch supervisor sadly i am useless with plants but today i took time to nurture the plants and lo and behold i have just looked and they have resurrected!! how lovely to see these blooms on a miserable day. I will endeavour to spend more time on them in the future.

The evenings seem to be getting longer well at least the day light appears to be lasting longer another sign that winter is on the decline and Spring will be here soon. The seasons change so quickly.

I have blogged early tonight and will attempt to do so each day. If the knee improves i will try to get out for morning run to keep up with Sue who will be racing ahead of me!! Perhaps a good swim would help?
I'm going to bed with the hope that i will be walking better,  i will have to wait and see but tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 133/134

Oh my, oh my. Missed another blog yesterday this will not do!

I knew that doing this athletic business would be tough but my word i really didn't appreciate just how bad it would be and its only week one!

The swollen knee, has developed into a whopping big knee! Yesterday it was so hard to walk but it was much better when i kept moving it. My back does seem to be improving though, still not 100% but much much better. Made appointment with the Doctor for Monday to check the knee out and physio appointment for Saturday morning. What a shower!

Last night i went out for drink and meal with a friend i haven't seen in nearly 30 years, she was home from Australia for a while. It was wonderful she hadn't changed a bit. Shame Tim wouldn't come he would have enjoyed the company of Steve, Catherine's husband. We are all going to meet up when they return next year!

It was as if we were back when we were teenagers, it certainly gave me a boost. We talked about our children and Mikey and i was able to talk without bursting into tears how awful that would have been.
It does seem that at last i can control my emotions better than i could, so that is progress.

Next week will be 5 months since we lost Mikey, it seems like yesterday.

Mikey i have ordered things of the Internet!! without help and they arrived so i must have done it right. Bright pink running sweat top its cool! I have to say when I'm dressed i do look the part, what a shame the body wearing the kit doesn't match up. Still i suppose at my age what did i really expect!
Tim is being really supportive and has told me to rest the knee rather than mess it up completely and am supposed to go in the morning at 0830 so i will get up and see how things are. We watched some cross country running this morning and we were both laughing at where i would be now, the answer was still at the start line! the others just finishing! I asked if he would come and watch me run and he said that he would get a better view if he was in front of the telly!! Um.

Off to town this afternoon and bought a knee support. Reading the instructions i observed the knee had to be measured. Up to the counter and asked for tape measure. OK! but i did need to make sure it was the right size. I had a medium in my hand thinking that would be about right. Horror of horrors i needed large. I have never had large of anything before. It must be the swelling surely!!
Onto the scales when i got home and i haven't lost a bean!!
Into Tesco later and purchased a keep fit DVD, when I'm going to do it i have no idea but the spirits willing!! I will read the instructions!!!
Bought a high vis vest as well whilst they are on offer, for the better weather when just wearing a t shirt. I am hopeful you see.

We are worried about Tom at the moment he seems to be very unhappy and very lonely, he misses being away from us and i think his job gives him too much time to think about everything. Lets hope he gets the transfer nearer to home this year.

Its not started too well has it. Me injured, now that sounds very sporty!!! still its only pain and it will go away, sometime soon i hope. We are only 8 days into the year though. I wonder if its better now than later. I think i said that before! Is my mind going as well.

I better get to bed and see if a nights rest will help and if not, tomorrow is always another day.

Day 132

Oh my, oh my this athletic business is sooo hard!!!

Bless Carol my in work therapist she is covering my back with stuff to ease the muscles!!! and i am in pain!! nope not grumbling just stating a fact. If you could see me now I'm bent over like an old crone, ah well i suppose those crows of mine will come in handy. Its spreading around the front of my ribs though so even bending forwards is miserable.

I guess misery has found a new weapon to inflict her pain on me this year. Not so often in despair now but real physical pain grrrrrr I am keeping a weather eye out for a change in her tactics though, she almost caught me tonight. Out with the group again but i told them to go on and leave me and i would be fine, liar!!!!! i was lonely and felt so damn useless. What a time to do my back again!!! i felt a tear coming on, but i am so determined to do this.  Other runners who were out and doing different distances kept coming past offering encouragement which was really nice. We did 3.9miles and i did manage to run 10 lamp post distances and only managed 2.5 on Tuesday. Anyway a lady called Lisa asked me to come back on Sunday but i told her i didn't want to hold her back, she kindly told me i was doing her a favour because she was just returning after a really bad injury. I think i will, it may help me keep up with the rest of the group on Tuesday.

Sisters have been e mailing me and giving me support so that's really good!!

They say running is supposed to be good for you and does become addictive!! well we will wait and see about that. At this rate there will not be a healthy part of me left!!
One of the GPs came in today and said he would sponsor me!!! how good is that.

Booked some holidays for next year and went to book tonight, but Tim not sure if he wants to go to Devon for two weeks like he said at the beginning of the week. Men!!!! they change there minds more often than we do.

Not sure about my swimming next week and which night to go probably Thursday or may be Wednesday. Poor Tim will be on his own more often than not at this rate. Um not sure how that will be after a few weeks i suppose only time will tell. He could join the athletic club as well if he wanted to. It would be good to have something in common. I will try to get him to come.

Better try and get some rest cos i know what will happen in the morning! gosh i do hope these muscles of mine soon rediscover their elasticity!!! I have just noticed my right knee looks decidedly bigger than the left, damn and blast!!!! shucks a knee support will sort that out, wont it? Ah well, tomorrow is another day............

Day 130/131

Yes, i missed yesterday. I really couldn't sit!!!

First day back at work and back still playing up but bearable. So i went to the next athletic meeting with Sue who has joined with me and is going to do marathon with me. That's good to have a partner because we will keep each other going.

Sue i discovered had a bad ankle after Sunday. That made me feel a little better. Selfish of me to think like that? maybe but she was like a gazelle on Sunday so to think she had a little problem just made me feel less of a handicap to her going on Tuesday.
Manged to get the right turning into the field, lots of cars and there were lots of runners all going off in different directions. Keith asked us how we were and having told him about our fitness level he kindly advised us what to do. We wasn't sure who would be taking us out at that time. We were given a lady called Marion who was just returning back to running after an absence. So off we went to the road stretch!!
Not sure if we were a bit of a handicap to her so we said if she wanted to run we were happy to be left alone. Lamp post to lamp post! We were told the mile measurements! Half a mile one way and half back. We all walked the first half and then Marion said she would run. Walking back we were quite happy but i then decided i really needed to use the bathroom!!! jee how would i manage 26 miles if i cant do 1!!! anyway we met Marion who was coming back for another lap, headed off to the club house, told the people in there that we would go back out, felt a bit foolish to be honest but we will remember to use the facilities first next time!
We managed to do  a little running but kept forgetting how many lamp posts we had passed. Ended up on more than one occasion doubled up laughing. So we had a good night. We did 3 miles in total and eventually spent a lot of the time dodging cars as the workers were leaving the prison. We didn't have a cup of tea with everyone because we forgot to take any money and therefore no 20p for a cuppa. Didn't think it right to start off owing them money!!!

Got home at down for a cup of tea and my back ceased up and i was in agony!! had to go to bed early.

Today managed to get up just!!! Dosed my self with ibuprofen, Carol bless her covered my back with Volteral gel and it eased somewhat. To the point that as I'm sitting here its reasonably comfortable.
I also managed to get hair coloured and now growing it into a different style!!! Mike you would be well proud. Not sure what you would think of it, but its early days and i understand i now have to train not only myself but also my hair!!! A new me for the New year. A bit battered at the moment but the only way is up, surely!!!

Tims been fab and very supportive. Cooking my meals and making sure i don't eat too much!! So he encouraging me to lose a bit of weight in order for me to cover ground a bit faster!! Well we will see about that.
What a journey this is going to be. Fraught with danger to ones self!!! Well I'm wearing the right running tights!! the only benefit is that my legs don't stick together on fabric they sort of glide against each other. Hahahaha. I am certainly not a picture of loveliness, well not yet!!!

Earlier today i thought i would have to miss the next meeting but i think i may just make it, i hope so but, Tomorrow is another day!!!!

Day 129

I managed to get out of bed this morning, so that's a plus! Back still painful but i think the rest did me good.
Very overcast this morning but Tim thought it would be good if we did something today as its the last day of the holidays.
Decided to go to Sheringham, one of our favourite places on the Norfolk coast.
Driving through the Fens the smell of rotten vegetation permeated through the car. The fields looked sodden, huge areas of water lay on the fields where new shoots were appearing. The fields of winter cabbages and leaks were dying. This was where the smell was coming from. I wonder if this was similar to when the Potato famine in Ireland occurred. It has been said that you could smell the rotten potatoes across the sea to England. Thank goodness there is no other comparison.
If i could describe the landscape now, the fields that were once black ploughed fields resemble a mans new beard growth. There is a haze of green coming through where new growth is trying to push through. It wont be long now before colour comes back into our lives. The birds are making nests and the crows, yes i know I'm always talking about them are gathering in large numbers i the tree tops. An owl flying along side the road swooping into the ditches. A glorious sight on a miserable January day.
A deer lay by the side of the road on the approach to Sherringham, a small monk jack knocked over during the night or early hours. It looked so sad alone by the road.
The sea was grey today, how strange that we can see the horizon in all directions in front of us. A flat yet undulating expanse of water and behind us as far as the eye can see flat landscape again as  far as we can see. A dry ocean!
The steam train was running today. The last mince pie run of the season!! It has a fascination for young and old, these majestic trains, almost living  beasts hissing and breathing noisily. The whistle blows, the toot of the horn and then the great breath and effort of moving forwards gradually gaining momentum, breathing becomes less laboured until it pulls out of the station with ease, great bouts of black smoke pouring from the funnel. A joyful change in tempo as it is let lose to run, the smoke now white and the smell of burning coal drifts across the spectators. No wonder so many come to watch. Tim bought Mikey here in the Summer, just the two of them and then we managed another day when i took some time off. It was a cold day then.

Tonight Tim has given me a massage!! my word i wouldn't employ him, but i managed to dig out a machine i bought years ago, checked that it worked and Tim used that. It was fab. See boys the useless items i buy do come in handy!!1. OK so i did buy it 20 years ago, but who's counting!! It still works. Now i wonder if that facial steamer that's in the cupboard still works. Lord knows i can do with all the help i can get at the moment. Not for my back!! but lets just say my chins are heading south!!

I think the wheat bags have helped tonight as well as the vitamin tablets, anti-inflammatory tablets and the stick on patches!!! at this rate i should be as fit as a butchers dog soon. If not there is always that lovely physio i can go and see. Um, there's a thought.

I do hope i am being more positive. Mikey is always in our thoughts and everything I'm doing is for him. Its a small token of saying thank you to all the team that looked after him at Papworth. So i will persevere, run! or walk through the pain barrier nothing is going to stop me now!!

Sisters are doing well!! looks like i will get the booby prise when we meet at the end of the month, or i will be paying for lunches!! that's one jacket potato, four forks and a black coffee each then!! Jens been walking, Linda, well i better not discuss here what she has been up to and Joy now then she has been very quiet, i bet shes joined a gym knowing her!!

Tomorrow i must try and down load some photos from the camera!! I'm getting a little slack, ah well i can only say its pain that's stopped me, no well maybe not.

It talks of a smattering of snow tomorrow but not going to settle. Thank goodness. I fell and broke my wrist a year ago this month. So much has happened since then, I'm not going to dwell on that, must look forward, and where I'm going!!!
It is with some trepidation I'm thinking of my next meeting at the athletic club but as Keith said, Run a lamp post distance and walk two lamp post distance and then gradually increase. I will have to see how i get on. I have tried to do a tip toe run in the bungalow tonight, well a few steps, eek!
ah well Tomorrow is another day...........

Day 128

Well up early this morning. Kit on and off to an early start, still quite nervous.

Cold and frosty and arrived at the club good time, having driven by the entrance to the field ooops.

Was introduced to a lovely man called Keith who would be taking us out. First on the track with a little walking and running. Warm up exercises. Then off on the road and down by the prison, through the wildlife park. We did 1.9 miles and all OK. I was a little out of breath but fine.
Turned to do return trip and my back went into spasm and had dreadful job running so had to walk most of the way back!!!! and its still painful. I am supposed to go back on Tuesday. Got heat pads on so hope that helps. Its my upper back. I think it was because i held myself so tight with being out of breath!!!

I spoke to Tim tonight and said how bad i felt and i guess that's how Mikey and others with CF must feel for most of their lives. Its a dreadful feeling. How i admire them all, they are so incredibly brave. So i didn't grumble about being out of breath even though i was in misery. I'm not going to lie, its just that i am not as brave as them!!!

Arrived home at 10am and we went out for a drive. It was a nice day and i didn't sleep in the car. But this afternoon i have to say i dropped off in the chair.

Out for a walk tonight and back is fine for walking tried to run and back spasmed again. With rest i hope all will be well. It would appear in about 8 weeks we should be fit to run a reasonable distance, we will see!!!!

I think Mikey would be proud of what i have done today! or thought i was absolutely stark staring mad!! and would also be laughing at the state I'm in, shaking his head side to side and saying mother! looking across at his dad with that look he had when he thought you were daft.

I know how much Mikey loved sport and couldn't do it. I was never one for sport really but was able so the tables are turned and here i am.  I am mad!!!

My friends who have sent messages etc today, thank you!!!!
I just hope i can get out of bed in the morning!!!!! Well tomorrow is another day...............

Day 127

First day of a new year!!!

Not been to the sales this year, i need to lose weight, and get fit!! How many times have i said that. I know the boys always used to say how many times have we heard that before!! well this year will be different.

My sisters and i are all keeping each other going this year and we plan to see much more of each other!! My money is on Linda losing the most weight!!! when she gets the bit between her teeth nothing stops her. Then Joy and Jen and i bringing up the rear!! Jen cycled to Paris last year on an ordinary push bike so maybe the two of us are the more athletic!! hahahaha.

It has been an easy day for me today. I do believe its because i have tomorrow to worry about. I have just got all my kit ready and am so nervous. I have put my inhaler in the pocket of my waterproof just in case.
I know its a beginners class but i expect to be trailing way behind everyone else!!
Just in case my back plays up i have been wearing one of those heat pads and i have one ready to stick on in the morning. It talks of frost tonight!!

It started off this morning with rain so we have been watching films all day and then out for our walk this evening.

Tom rang again today and he would like us to go up for the day later on this year but still when its winter! so he can take us to the lake district. That will be nice so i will find out when his free week is and then we can arrange something, i can book a travel inn for the night. I still have some leave to take.

I am going to really make a huge effort now to get back to some normality. I am aware that i am going to have some bad days but i have so much now to concentrate on. Not only will i blog my usual stuff but will also include my journey to fitness for next year! Should make interesting reading!!! At least the running will not affect my fingers!!!

Tim is feeling a bit left out i think. He doesn't say much but i do hope he will support me and start to come out of himself. A dog is going to be a must.

So in the next few weeks i must get my passport. Paris in February i hope. Florida at the end of the year and our monthly meetings with the sisters and then 3 monthly shopping days out!!! Mikey you would be proud. Do something different every month you told me. January, i have joined the athletic club. Now surely that's different?
 Well i better go to bed it is early for me its only 0100hrs!!! up at 0700hrs!! defrost the car and then defrost this body of mine. Because tomorrow is another day...............