DAY 421/422

Phew! Its Saturday. A bit of R and R i hope!

Its been a strange week. I time of ups and downs. Sometimes my head feels as though it belongs to some one else.

The problem is work, and i wish i could stay home all day and just chill, except that will not pay the bills!!

Friday and that was day i revolted!  May suffer for that later.

Went out for Chinese with the running club Friday night and had a nice time, Tim didn't want to go though. Tom went out for the night with some friends and had a good time i think.

So today i just pottered about went for a few cycle rides, had a long walk, did my exercises and chatted to a friend on line and put the world to rights. It was good just to do nothing.

Took loads of photos today It was so warm and yet we had a really hard frost this morning. Scrapers out job!!

Tim seemed a bit better today at least we spent some time together. I must book some holdays.

Well i suppose i better get to bed and read the instruction manual for my Garmin because I'm still getting in a muddle with it!

I hope i will get to use it on Tuesday! the foot feels a lot better and no problems after the walk, in fact it feels better that it has for ages.

Tim was talking about Mikey today and how he used to go for walks with him when he was little. It is good to remember but at the same time so hard because you think about what you have lost. I'm looking at his picture now and cant help but smile at it. He was a joy to have.

Ah well tomorrow is another day........................

Day 419/420

It takes a lot for me to lose my temper  and i could probably count the times that has truly happened on one hand but i have come so close today i can feel the  other hand starting to itch.

I worked all day yesterday and ended up going in and working all night! After Tuesday i thought things may get a bit better, but sadly that wasn't to be!! Yesterday evening i took the car out and noticed a light stayed on on the dash. Mentioned it to Tim and yep sure as eggs are eggs it was my fault!! Good lord i never did a thing. Poor Tom tried to act as piece maker and we both ended up sitting in the car trying to sort out the problem! Well me and equipment ie technology just do not see eye to eye!! In the end we both sat outside laughing at the whole situation.That was short lived because we had to re enter the house!!!
Anyway i ended up going back to work which solved the problem. Tom found out that its a common thing that happens on the car we have and the light just goes of after 30 Min's, which it did!

So came home this morning tired but pleased with what i had achieved without the phone ringing! Made Tim a cup of tea left him a note to get me up later and hit the sack. Awoke to the phone ringing at 8am a nurse hadn't come in. That was all i needed.
Anyway back to sleep and up at lunch time!

Tim in  a good mood yesterday apparently forgotten! Took me back to get a jacket i had my eye on a couple of weeks ago, and believe it or not it was still there. Now how unusual is that.

Home and back to work only to read something that made my blood boil. That was the last straw!!!!  I will just have to wait and see about the outcome of that.

Another phone call this afternoon and a headhunter, its looking very tempting at the moment to consider a change, just don't want to make a hasty decision.

Tonight i should have been running but stayed at home, exercising the foot and will get on the exercise bike shortly!!

I know you read this D thanks for the message xxx will try and send you a message over the weekend for the moment though tomorrow is another day!!!

DAy 416/417/418

Well its not been a good few days. Tim has been really down and i don't know how to help him. Neither Tom or i can do anything right at the moment.

The weekend i spent searching for accommodation for Sue and i in Edinburgh and managed to get that sorted. The ankle has been miserable. Its getting me down now.

Tom has decided to try and find his own place and i cant blame him for that.

Work well that's the same and today it just went downhill during the day!

Went to physio and i have torn two tendons on the outside of the left ankle and torn a muscle on the front of my foot hence the reason why the whole foot is so floppy. Lots of exercises.  foot taped and back next week, hoping i can run again.

Lunch time i came hope and Tim was really quiet and just stated to cry. He is missing Mikey very much. I said i didn't know how to help him because i can barely help myself. That running was the only thing that gets me through the week. I cant think on a daily basis and cant think of the future. All i am focusing on is next year and after that i don't know how i will manage. I told him that despite the mickey taking and the negative comments its what is helping me and i don't want to stop. I also said that i have given up swimming, we bought the dog, changed the car and nothing is working. I also said that if Mikey was here what would he think of his dad saying he wanted to die!!! and i cant cope with that.

Tim wont go to the Dr's and said what can they do. I really think he is depressed, but cant get him to see anyone. I just don't know what to do. It would have been his mums birthday yesterday, i don't know if that has made things worse.

Tonight i went running, well to cycle next to Sue and she did really well and managed to keep with everyone so i don't think she needs me now. So i was feeling really fed up and i even felt like crying again and not good to be negative towards Sue. I felt do envious of her achievement tonight and i shouldn't be like that. So i will just have to wait and see if i can catch up.

When i got home i asked Tim if he would help me and i think he will. That just might make him take an interest and even join me! Who's to say. So i was on the exercise bike for an hour, did my foot exercises and decided i really needed to blog. Its a down period for us all.

Mikey's friend Maddie has been with Jack now for a year, its hard to think so much time has passed. Who ever said time heals lied. It doesn't, our loss will be with us for ever and it is almost too much to bear.

Its lonely sitting here writing, Tim and Tom are in bed sleeping, that is certainly something i have doing, the nights are long with only thoughts for company, ah well tomorrow is another day...............

DAY 414/415

Two days!!

Friday a visit to the Dr's, foot not broken, um well i think i guessed that. However he thinks its the tendons oh yeah and it was the right foot last time? i honestly thought it was the same foot. Suggested physio. I could wait for a couple of weeks for the appointment to come or go private!! I have an appointment Tuesday!

I have spent today searching for accommodation in Edinburgh for the Marathon next year! Early? well apparently not because its the Edinburgh festival next year so places are being taken very quickly!

Its been a miserable day today, drizzle most of the day and so cold.

I cant run and cant walk far so i have been out on my bike. Still haven't received my running gear which i ordered over a week ago! i have chased that order up today as well.

Duke is growing so quickly and it looks as if he will be a giant of a dog, oops!! he is outgrowing his bed and his overnight pen!!

I wonder if Mikey can look down and see what we are all doing. I hope so, i guess we all have to have something to believe in to get us through the days. I do sometimes question life, and to what purpose are we here for. There seems to be some sort of restriction on us mere mortals otherwise we would live forever. Why don't we?

The picture widens and the question then is why do some people live for a short time, why is there illness why is there cruelty. Is it all about fate, are we part of some great tapestry. I wonder!

Not a philosopher but when a trauma occurs in your life you change, not always for the best. I look back over the past twelve months and i am certainly not the person i was or the person i was to become. What does the future hold for me? to be honest i longer care. What will be will be. There is no control. All we can do is live one day to the next. Why do we worry at all? yet we do and will continue to do so. Even when we know there is no point.
 Regrets do i have any, oh yes but when you make decisions you have to live with them and accept the consequences. This is something i am able to do strangely enough.

If we have a second shot at life, and come back for that second innings how will we know, and how can we be the person we cant be in this lifetime. My hope is that Mikey will come back as the person he was in a fit and healthy body. To be able to enjoy life and most importantly to be able to breathe easy. Yes, that would be my wish.
Am i now living in a fantasy world, well who really knows. Am i in a dream, how can we tell. If i am lets hope i run the marathon next year well and then do several more!! Ha the list would be endless.

I better get to bed i suppose and wake up to reality? ah well tomorrow is another day......................

DAY 413

Can it be that many days i have been blogging? It seems as if i have only blinked since then.

Today the weather has changed so dramatically its been so windy and cold. Cant believe a few days ago we were basking in an Indian summer!! The weather is as fickle as men!!

I spent last night with my leg elevated in bed. All this time and i forgot Mikey's bed elevated electronically at the foot end! i don't think that part of the bed was ever used. The pillow end most certainly. So i was quite surprised that the ankle wasn't as painful this morning. I have been able to walk more comfortably anyway.

Work, nothing new very much the same as the past few days.

This evening went for my run, except i didn't!!! i cycled the route with Sue. Sure enough she wouldn't have gone if i hadn't, she did really well! Tim was pleased that i didn't run and said it made sense that i started to look after it instead of just putting up with the pain and risking a much longer time out. Anyway back to the Dr's tomorrow morning!!!

Tom seemed a bit brighter in himself and that made me feel a bit better. Still he does have so much to sort out what with his property in Doncaster etc. No doubt he will get around to making a decision about it.

Just been checking train times for Monday and it appears we have to catch a train just after 6am!!! will discuss that with Bev in the morning.

So i am sitting here now with the wind howling and the rain lashing against the windows. Let Duke out and the car port is full of leaves. Autumn is here with a vengeance.

How strange that misery appears to have gone on to other prey, i don't suppose i satisfy her appetite at the moment. Christmas is coming though and i do hope that this year we can remember how Mikey enjoyed the season. I know that by now he has usually begun his Christmas shopping, well he would probably be almost finished it. Mikey was always prepared and organised. Tom no doubt will be looking for things as the shops are closing on Xmas eve, and not bother with the wrapping!! Its bizarre that the tread of speech changes from past to present when we talk about him, forgetting he is no longer with us and yet in the next breath remembering he isn't.

Thinking about Mikey i cant accept that he isn't here. I talk about him and know that he isn't but the reality is that my heart wont accept and my mind does. I don't know its a really odd thing. I am sure that i will die still not having come to term with it. Still who's to say what the future holds. I wonder sometimes if I'm going slightly mad, in the words of one of Queens songs 'im only knitting on one needle' What a state of affairs, should i be lose in the world.

Well i better get the bed ready!!! and the ice pack and prepare to heal!!!  in the meantime i will try to post some more photos

Just thought i would add some pics of one of our running routes. Lucky to have such lovely scenery. The winter routes are not as scenic though!!

Well to bed and remembering that tomorrow is another day.........................
                                  

Day 410.411,412

Oh my word, my ankle has really gone this time!! Stupid stupid me and i have the marathon to train for!! Ah well i will just have to get it 100% this time and then train harder when I'm fully fit!!!

My fault for going running Tuesday and knowing it wasn't right. I feel so damn miserable about it. Doctors tomorrow i think.
Its just that i keep thinking that after all Mikey went through a little bit of ankle pain is nothing.

Monday and work again. The pace is increasing not getting slower and i just haven't stopped now for three days. The work is relentless but i suppose you only get out of the job what you put in.

Tuesday, well i think i have said all there needs to say about that! Well not really. I was approached to apply for one of the club places for the London marathon but decided not to, but how kind! Anyway i have agreed to volunteer to man the water station in a race in November. Bet i will be cod froze on the day! Still all in a good cause. Sue and i was late getting back from our run, due to my ankle and they were worried about us! Thursday in going on my bike and i will cycle round with Sue otherwise she will not go!! that's not fair, i will just have to put in more effort later. I think I'm going on about this rather a lot!!

Mikey would be so surprised at what I'm doing and i think a little proud of me. Tim's being really supportive as well.
Sues been checking up on hotels and we have decided to stay for two nights somewhere a little special for a treat!! we will need it.

I'm off to London on Monday GSF awareness and to sign up for that i hope. Palliative care!!! i may find it a tad difficult but we shall see.

Thursday I'm at Ely for the afternoon. Its such a job catching up though when you have time out of the office. Thank goodness Carols coming back for a few hours each day!! that will be a huge help and at least shift some of the paperwork which is almost grabbing me by the throat each day.

The week off was good and i do feel more energised, although I'm not sure how long that will last!!!

Duke , well i came home for lunch and just sat down when he launched himself at me, taking me and the chair over!!! specs were at a very strange angle and my lunch was heading south!! More control needed i think, but he is getting so big!

The evenings are getting darker now and winter suddenly seems to be approaching at a rapid rate of knots! how quickly our weather changes. The fens are being to look very sad again. The fields have been harvested and the old muck spreading has started. There is a definite whiff to the air now at night times.

Got to start planning my page for just giving ready to beg for support for the big run next year. All proceeds will go to the CF unit at Papworth. Have so much to do and so little time! never mind.
I wonder if i can magically mend the ankle overnight? used to believe in all that but now, no..

I have Mikey's picture of Freddie Mercury ready to go up on the wall. a job for Tim i think!

Photos lets see if i can put a few on tonight, her goes nothing.................

Well at least a got a few on!!! trying to get the rest on was like pulling teeth!
But tomorrow is another day..........................

Day 406/407/408/409

Oh dear yet another few days of missed blogging!!

Mikey has been so much in our thoughts these last few days. Its an Indian summer and Mikey loved the sun. The events over the last few days would I'm sure have had him making some very funny remarks! Even Tom has been smiling. Well today at least because he has been in bed for two days with the flu or a very nasty virus! He is much better today.

Tim went and fetched the car for me on Thursday so i had a few hours to myself and it was grand! I received a magazine through the post from virgin. Thinking it was just that a mag i didn't take much notice until later when i realised it was a condolence information pack. I didnt get a place in the London marathon. I was so upset. The club is given two places and we could put a case to them and see if i met the criteria.
At the club tonight it seemed none of the people we knew had got a place.

I have given applying for the place a lot of thought but Mikey would have hated it if i had told our story about how brave he was and how he lost the battle against Cf. I recall Xfactor and he disliked those contestants who had a sob story and he would say they are only doing it for the votes. So we applied this weekend for the Edinburgh marathon, and Sue and i have got a place!!! So May 27th next year we are off to Scotland. They have hills!!! which means Sue and i will have to practice hills and we only have one in town and that goes over the railway lines. Does that count??
That's my something new for October sorted.

So i have spent the rest of the week having a trip to the coast getting soaking wet feet trying to walk on the sand at Wells with my dodgy ankle! Still awaiting my brace, i hope its here for Tuesday!!

Internet shopping hooray!! at last got the hang of it.

Today i spent putting a non slip protective cover in the back of the car for Duke.

I now have one job to complete and that's put Mickeys print of Freddie Mercury in the frame i bought today. Put some photos on, that will be tomorrow
Work!!! ah well tomorrow is another day!!!