Day 410.411,412

Oh my word, my ankle has really gone this time!! Stupid stupid me and i have the marathon to train for!! Ah well i will just have to get it 100% this time and then train harder when I'm fully fit!!!

My fault for going running Tuesday and knowing it wasn't right. I feel so damn miserable about it. Doctors tomorrow i think.
Its just that i keep thinking that after all Mikey went through a little bit of ankle pain is nothing.

Monday and work again. The pace is increasing not getting slower and i just haven't stopped now for three days. The work is relentless but i suppose you only get out of the job what you put in.

Tuesday, well i think i have said all there needs to say about that! Well not really. I was approached to apply for one of the club places for the London marathon but decided not to, but how kind! Anyway i have agreed to volunteer to man the water station in a race in November. Bet i will be cod froze on the day! Still all in a good cause. Sue and i was late getting back from our run, due to my ankle and they were worried about us! Thursday in going on my bike and i will cycle round with Sue otherwise she will not go!! that's not fair, i will just have to put in more effort later. I think I'm going on about this rather a lot!!

Mikey would be so surprised at what I'm doing and i think a little proud of me. Tim's being really supportive as well.
Sues been checking up on hotels and we have decided to stay for two nights somewhere a little special for a treat!! we will need it.

I'm off to London on Monday GSF awareness and to sign up for that i hope. Palliative care!!! i may find it a tad difficult but we shall see.

Thursday I'm at Ely for the afternoon. Its such a job catching up though when you have time out of the office. Thank goodness Carols coming back for a few hours each day!! that will be a huge help and at least shift some of the paperwork which is almost grabbing me by the throat each day.

The week off was good and i do feel more energised, although I'm not sure how long that will last!!!

Duke , well i came home for lunch and just sat down when he launched himself at me, taking me and the chair over!!! specs were at a very strange angle and my lunch was heading south!! More control needed i think, but he is getting so big!

The evenings are getting darker now and winter suddenly seems to be approaching at a rapid rate of knots! how quickly our weather changes. The fens are being to look very sad again. The fields have been harvested and the old muck spreading has started. There is a definite whiff to the air now at night times.

Got to start planning my page for just giving ready to beg for support for the big run next year. All proceeds will go to the CF unit at Papworth. Have so much to do and so little time! never mind.
I wonder if i can magically mend the ankle overnight? used to believe in all that but now, no..

I have Mikey's picture of Freddie Mercury ready to go up on the wall. a job for Tim i think!

Photos lets see if i can put a few on tonight, her goes nothing.................

Well at least a got a few on!!! trying to get the rest on was like pulling teeth!
But tomorrow is another day..........................

354/355

So tomorrow came and is now yesterday and its today!! another two days to blog.

The days are so hard, and i find myself torn between getting on with things and then crying in cupboards! Patience is very thin and i am so frustrated with other influences effecting my day!!

I went to place a memoriam in the local paper for Friday only to discover the office is closed! in the window were two phone numbers one for March and one for Huntingdon. Would you believe we have to use the Huntingdon number! I found a nice piece that said everything we feel how do some people managed to write such beautiful words, its a gift surely.

Today the paper contacted me and i then had to read the words again just to make sure, that set me off again and i just couldn't find a clear path for the rest of the day. I'm blessed that i work with such very kind people and have been very understanding. Even Tim today was hurting.

Duke seems to have this uncanny knack of reading your emotions and just sits looking at me when I'm quiet, not leaping about as he usually does. He then just comes and sits on my feet even if I'm standing. He has been very good for Tim who has been out for two walks today!

Tom phoned and Tim said he feels more positive about a move, lets hope that continues.

Run tonight, and Sue and i did really well, lets hope we can do as well on Thursday. We now have our club kit!!! makes us feel that we are doing well. Race vest, club practice t shirt and a running top for the winter!!! even Tim thinks they look the part! We shall see if we feel OK after the race on Sunday.

Its been odd the last two days to hear about the riots everywhere, it almost seems that we are not living in England, a green and pleasant land!!! what is the world coming to? There are so many problems and so much suffering, why make more! and the sad thing is two girls on the radio today said they hope it happens tonight because last night was the best night they have had ever!!!!

I'm for an early night i think and try to have a read! but another attempt to put some pictures on. I may have to post this and then edit i think no, i will try first!!

Well that failed!!! this is so slow tonight. Will try again later. Ah well i suppose tomorrow is another day.....................

                                       

Day 282

Good Gracious i cant work out how to blog this and keep the dates in order. I think i will just write and put days on when i finish tonight and go from there!
Still having problems with the computer and it takes ages to find a way in!!! Must get the computer man back out.

I hope  to catch up by the end of the week because i have some news! I do hope it will make Tim feel a bit better, lets hope so.
Anyway to continue with the holidays.

Day 282.  Went to Dartmouth today and what a fab day it was.
Tom phoned this morning and chatted for ages. Lovely. Attempting to put up a fence and wanted some help. Tim happily obliged. Its good that Tom is trying to fill his days off doing something productive, he will then be able to say he has done something with his days off. It will also give him a sense of acheivment. Goodness only knows i can remember when we first attempted tp put wallpaper up! its all about experience!!

It began to rain but we headed off to,the ferry for our crossing, by the time we reached Dartmouth the sun was out. This time we were detirmined to find the castle. Each time we come we say will visit it but never do!
Another water trip! this time in a little boat. Lovely crossing and took loads of photos.
Quite a trek up from the landing to the castle. We sat out and had coffee and breakfast!! We spent considerable time exploring and climbing!!! didnt like the narrow spiral steps up to the top of the castle, still up i went, always willing to experience new things, gulp!!! coming down was worse!!!! needed the time to sit just to get my breath back!!! not because i was tired but it was through sheer terror!
To get a boat back you just turned over a board on the jetty and someone would fetch you. Tim told me to go ahead and turn the board whilst he went of to find the loo. The boat came and no Tim!!!! so we waited, imagine the look on his face when another person said 'and we thought it was women who kept everyone waiting!!'

Caught the car ferry back, yes thats because there was such a long queue for the passenger ferry. Steam train was in at Dartmouth so i got some glorious pics of the engine as it passed under the foot bridge i was on. Im going to make an album, trains boats and no planes!!!

Ankle was throbbing by now and Tim wanted to take me to casualty. Not so likely i will suffer first anyway no running today! Hopefully a less strenuous day tomorrow.


Well i better call it a day for now, its 0215 in the morning and work will soon be upon me!!  I will try to catch up tomorrow after my run. Its been lovely weather, Mikey loved the sun, we do so miss him still and i dont think that will ever change. I find myself quite weepy again these days. Time is getting close to a year since we lost him, its just so damn hard! we live a pretence, a face to the world, a face to family, a face to friends, our true face shows only in the middle of the night when the rest of the world is sleeping, it is some times so damn lonely and at these times you wonder why its worth bothering with living anymore.Morning comes and you put on the face that suits the occasion, we continue on the wheel of life.

Day 278-302

I'm back!!!!

What a time it has been, first the holiday and then a virus on the computer when i returned. That was sorted and then another so i will make the most of tonight just in case i cannot get on for a while.

How i have missed my nightly chats to myself. I did keep a diary of when i was away and i will give brief daily account, just so i have a record and can read back if i feel like it in the future.

Well i did say i wasn't really looking forward to the holiday, it did however do us good. We found ourselves for a while, and that was good.

A complete rest from work!!

Day 278.  I was up and ready before Tim got up and that surprised him, a good start to the day.We left home at 0430hrs! early but Tim wanted to miss the traffic. The sun was just rising and it wasn't dark, the colours of the sky was just amazing all soft misty yellows, orange and greys. The clouds looked just as if an artist had slashed the sky with grey paint using a fine brush. Two planes came up from the horizon just where the sun was coming up and they resembled silvery gold moving ribbons. I wondered who was on board and where they were going. As the sun warmed the earth, mist rose up and the wind turbines in the fields ghostly mythical creatures looming over the landscape. How good is the morning and i slept.
We arrived in Torquay and it was hot! the boats in the harbour looked grand, a lovely start to our break.
We walked around the harbour and had breakfast, then i shopped whilst Tim soaked up the atmosphere!
Ankle really swollen and painful so we rested and found our accommodation, unpacked and then sat outside the caravan with my feet up.
Evening in Brixham more walking and an evening meal whilst listening to live music. Manged to find some disposable ice packs. Tim had an early night and i watched the fireworks over the bay and for me an early night. Midnight. Kept to my diet!!!!

Day 279  Babbacombe Wonderful Sunday lunch at Babbacombe Arms. Paignton and walked miles. Watched a gentleman making a sand sculpture of a dolphin. Not sunny today but at least it was dry. We did do a lot of reminiscing about previous holidays when the boys were small. Watched steam train come into the station and we talked about i used to test Tim on all the brakes and wheels etc when he was learning to be an examiner of freight trains. Tom was a baby then and we would usually study whilst i was bathing Tom. I became quite knowledgeable!!
Went to the cinema a collected a time table, will get a film in some time this holiday!
Tim scuffed the valance of the car! thank the lord it wasn't me.
Got results of the times of our run! i did it in 40.16 seconds. Ah well at least i finished.
A walk round Torquay in the evening and saw a man stopped by the police, out came the blue gloves and he was arrested for possesion of drugs!! Handcuffs the works! of course we were looking and the chap waved at us so being friendly i waved back. Oops not the right thing to do. We didn't know him from Adam of course so we then beat a hasty retreat. Did the cliff walk and amazingly my legs didn't ache so i guess the exercise has been helpful. No plans for the week just get up and see how we feel.

Day 280.  A lie in!! Walk to Preston and Paignton really long walk and we had to stop for coffee! We walked for 2 hours without stopping after all. Overcast today but still dry. Back to Babbacombe for lunch. We walked beside the cliffs and watched a hawk being attacked by Crowes. A few hours sitting in the gardens with a book!! More walking and returned to the van after 8 hours. Another walk in the evening!!! and we talked and talked about the boys and how Tom would be walking along the beach studying the rock pools, seeing what creatures were inside and checking how deep the water was. Mikey would just head straight out into the water! That seemed a pattern, where ever we went Mikey would either fall in or need a change of clothes or shoes. We eventually bought those jelly shoes for them from Oddocombe beach after another wetting!! blue ones i remember them well. It talks of showers tomorrow but we will have to wait and see. They never seem to get the weather right when predicting! I bought book light yesterday so not to disturb Tim at night but i used it to guide Tim around the bedroom when he got up to find the door. So funny. We want to go to Cornwall one day of our hols but its the Royal Cornwall show so traffic may be heavy for a few days so we will wait until its over. Taking lots of photos, what a joy that has been. Well its cold tonight so i can feel a heated bean bag coming on!!

Day 281 Shaldon today. It rained! we saw a lovely beach apartment for sale and was sorely tempted.
This afternoon we went to Brixham to sit around the harbour after walking to the lighthouse!!!
Tim dropped me off at Goodrington beach, i changed into running kit and he left me to run back to the site!! lovely running beside the sea. Going up the damn hills was a nightmare though! Result one very swollen ankle! and painful. No more walking tonight!

More tomorrow, i have writers cramp. But we have a very happy event coming up which i will put here after my holiday account. Pictures to when i can retrieve the lost info since the virus!!

Day 275/276/277

Well we are off on our holidays in a couple of hours. I'm not sure how i feel about it really. I do know i am in desperate need of a break, so we will see.

I have spent the past few days just weeping at every little thing. I feel so incredibly sad and cant get out of this dark place. It would appear misery has found me yet again and doesn't she just know how to chose her moments. Mikey is in the forefront of my thoughts all the time and i miss him!

I do have so much to be thankful for, a good husband and another lovely son, but it just doesn't seem enough. How selfish am i.

Yesterday was without doubt one of the most miserable days i have had at work. I know i cant cope with another like that. It wasn't the work but the people! Myself included.

It was hot in the office no air and that didn't help. I was doing my first 5k run and wasn't in the mood. I thought i may get off early and ice the ankle before i went but that didn't work out.

Tim and Tom wished me luck and gave those knowing looks.

So the race well i got my first number i was 78! Sue bought us all an energy tube! Lord then we were told the route. Oops we hadn't planned on that, rather longer than we thought and over grass.
Started off well but it was so very hot, breathing was OK but my legs ached quite soon into the run. Not usual for me. I told Sue to run on and leave me as i was slower than she was tonight. It was a race after all.

I was last!!!! but everyone was really kind, its no fun running alone and i was feeling like giving up. Along the path in front of me came two walkers. Its a lovely spot to walk and lots of people walk their dogs along the same route. Anyway as they got closer it was my very dear friend Diana and her husband calling out support, so i got a hug on the run and an offer to come with me! how about that. I kept going and was on the home straight when Keith one of the club runners came back to pace me!! that really helped . So i finished and felt like ......... Apparently i did the course at 12 min a mile. So a lot of improvement needed!!! 

Lots of practice needed on holiday.
Home and then a night shift to get up to date with some reports. The damn computer kept crashing and found it almost impossible to get them done. I attempted other work and cleared a back log but not what i wanted to do. I wonder if it will still be there on my return.

So I'm going to sign off now and before i know it i will be sitting here again and the holiday will be over. What is that saying, today is the tomorrow i was dreading yesterday.................... Tomorrow is another day!

Day 274

Well its getting harder the closer we get to the week end. Odd that a holiday has become in many ways hard to face instead of something to look forward to. Mikey would be so angry that we or I haven't let go yet.

I know now that Mikey had given a lot of thought to what we would do after his death, there i have said it. Is that a first. I think it is. Still not any easier putting it on paper though. I just wish i could honour his wishes. I expect if he can see us now he would be thinking, get a grip mother. It no longer matters to me. That's as it may be but in reality things just don't go according to plan.

Toms here!!! but hes stopping at a friends tonight they are off to Alton Towers tomorrow. I hope he has a really good time! Then the men are golfing on Thursday and Tom is going home on Friday! i hope he can squeeze me in for a while. Still I'm running on Thursday. Oh lord i hope i don't shame myself!! A couple of puffs on the inhaler i think before we set off. We did the route again tonight but it was so hot!!! i run better in the cold! even though i cant stand being cold its perhaps because I'm in a hurry to get warm and have a cup of tea!!!

Had to go back to work tonight to mend a chair, its taken other people two weeks to do it and yet all it needed was a couple of batteries in the box at the back. Men!!!! i do wonder sometimes. Then the phones, staff complaining they are not working and wanting new ones! even i could work out tonight someone had been messing about and all it needed was the bases to be re programmed, by me of all people. The most technophobic person going!!

So no photos and my new CD,s which arrived today i haven't even listened to!
I am now going to watch Panorama on i player. Interesting i understand all work related stuff. Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................

Days 270/271/272/273

Well its 4 days of blogging today!!! i am getting prepared for being off line for two weeks after Friday.

It has been a tough few days. Tim has not been well again! He was woken with a really bad head, he said it was like the time he had a brain hemorrhage! To say i panicked is a minor understatement! Out came the BP machine and to my surprise it was very low!! He didn't want to see a Dr of course!! Tim has already said he does not want to go to hospital again! He doesn't want treatment either. I suppose this could be called an advanced directive!. In my book if he cant say anything he goes!!!!

I cant begin to imagine what my life would be without him as well. I have spent the last few nights with a book so i can hear him if he is unwell. Two nights running he has been having bad dreams and has been calling out in his sleep. Of course he cant recall any of this in the mornings!

Tonight i feel i can sit here with the door closed and hammer away on the key board fairly confident all will be well!  At least tonight I'm not just passing time on facebook.

Tim insists i just carry on and he is fine! So i went running last night and amazed my self that i completed the course for Thursday! ran all the way. Ankle is still very painful when standing or sitting but OK when i run. How odd is that.

We have been for some long walks and have chatted as we walk. Both of us looking forward to getting away from it all.

Work has been tough and this week i expect no different! Perhaps I'm getting old!

I saw sister Joy over the week end. Lovely to see her and we hope to go to Norwich soon to see our cousin. We will arrange it on my return.

Mikey is very much in both our thoughts constantly and we have both said we feel that at any time we can bring him home, call him or have him on line. It doesn't go away. It hasn't changed for us this burning desire to turn back time. Wouldn't it be grand if we could.
Its been almost 10 months and seems like yesterday. Tonight we said that he will always be 25 to us and when asked i still say we have two sons.

Toms coming home tomorrow and hes staying till Friday. I do wish he could find someone else for company. We are certainly coming to terms with our mortality. Tim said that he is pleased that Mikey is here with us and not down Eastwood alone. Tim also wondered what would become of us when we are no longer here.. I said i expect we will all be with Mikey and if Tom never meets anyone ever again, i hope he will be with us too. A family together again. Still you just don't know what the future holds.

Diet continues to go well although yet again i haven't lost a bean! must be doing something wrong. Tims pleased that i have stuck with it and has also said i must carry on whilst away! Tim also said i should get up early and go for a run each day!! Don't think that will happen though!

Having a bank holiday today means that we have short working week so i am going to be hard pushed to get everything sorted for our holidays. Looks like i will be multi tasking.
I have burnt a candle every day since i started this blog i wonder how i will manage when i am away. I think i will ask Diana if she will light one for me. I'm sure she will if she isn't away but i have a feeling we are away together. Ah well i am sure i can work something out.

I have been using a Gaimin hoop and that's so hard!!! but does give a good work out.

Well I'm going to check on Tim and then get ready for bed.

Running tomorrow so i have high hopes of keeping up with some of the more seasoned runners, older ones of course!

Must get my camera unloaded and put on computer and i will share them on here too. That's for later, ah well to bed and tomorrow is another day.......................

Day 268/269

Another two days!! Is it because i don't have the need to blog as often? no in a word its just that I'm so busy that i am on this roller coaster. Time for me is becoming hard to find.
Strange but i know I'm running but i have not been swimming for two weeks! Its almost an effort to have any time with Tim.

Still as my friend said, 'holidays are coming'

Work continues to throw challenges at me and the goal posts are moving constantly. Just by circumstances really. Nothing else.

The ankle is still problematic but easier. It hasn't been too bad tonight after the run so i think keeping it moving is the answer.
First run in the rain tonight. We got the blame for that because we have stopped wearing our light weight jackets. To be honest its because we are working so hard!

Our usual route was open tonight and we made good time and managed to get twenty minutes of running in in a lot less distance. Tonight we think we ran too fast, maybe because it was cold and wet. On top of that i had an asthma attack! i think that was because of the dry weather and then the rain on the foliage caused the problem!
Lesson learned, don't run in areas like that at this time of the year. Its back on the road for us.
The race next week is on that route though so we had hoped to get the practice in, even if just to show we are not doing to badly. We will have to wait and see.

I was going back to work tonight but i had second thoughts and phoned instead and asked the staff to come and see me during my working hours. Sometimes i think i try to help them to much and it only gets me behind. So i have made a decision! no more.

How odd that again this time of the year we are having problems with the ash clouds! same time last year. Mikey was staying with us whilst Claire was on holiday. Mikey said she needed it because she had had a bad year!  On her return she decided that she wanted to separate!
It was downhill all the way for Mikey then. He was admitted to hospital and he told us two days before we went away. We are having the same two weeks so next week that will be a year.
Mikey then spent most of the next few months in hospital until we lost him. How very sad.
Memories are for me quite hard at the moment and i think i am angry. Not that they separated, it happens in relationships but i suppose it was the timing especially as they both knew he was so ill. Ah well its in the past. Next year may not be so hard. Its all the firsts that's the most painful, knowing now that we are heading towards August.

Enough of that for now! must keep moving forwards, and after all tomorrow is another day.

Day 266/267

Well yet again missed yesterday! I had to do night visit and didn't get home very early.

The ankle was misery Sunday and Monday and i was really getting worried that i would be unable to run on Tuesday. Plenty of ice packs etc and walking better by Monday evening. I found keeping moving was better. So we went for a walk Monday evening and then watched a film! Yep another one.

Today the ankle was much better and by this evening i felt reasonably OK.
We set off only to find our usual route had been sealed of due to an incident! all taped off. We thought OK we will just keep going. My word we did. Out on the public highway and we ran for 3 miles!!
Although we did walk up the hill! over the railway bridge. Still all in all a good effort and i even missed the gate to the club house!!!
Once we had had our cup of tea the ankle had ceased, i made it outside without limping! One of the runners fell whilst out and had cut his head, grazed his knee and cut his fingers! a warning to be careful on the paths.

We are looking forward to Thursday if i can get the ankle OK by then, again! Just got to keep going.
A proper run next week! i hope we do OK just to finish would be good! Ah well a few more outings before then.

Continue with the diet and am doing OK with that. Tim's surprised I'm sticking to it!!

Oh i saw Tims sister tonight, and as expected i was blanked. What a shame but I'm not losing any sleep over it.

Tomorrow i wont be able to come home for lunch! managers meeting. Thursday should be able to catch up! Friday off to a hospice to do assessment and I'm taking a student nurse with me. I hope she finds it useful. So i am now going to watch the Girl who kicked the hornets nest! with an ice pack for company.

Toms home next week and i wonder what he will think about my race! ha its strange to be doing all this now at my age. I hope only to think that Mikey would be quietly proud of me. I'm not sure what he would be saying. Still it keeps me going and has given me a new interest and an opportunity to meet some really nice people.

So to bed with my film! Tomorrow is another day.................

Day 264/265

Busy week end. Managed to get our plants in the garden. The area outside Mikeys room looks fab. Still no rain!

Yesterday we achieved so much and then went for a 2 hour walk. Problem was i wore the wrong shoes! and could really feel that i had strained the ankle again. Hoped all would be well for the run on Sunday.

Weight watchers continues to go well and i am managing to keep to my points. I don't think i will have lost weight this week but still feel really positive. I am going to stick with it.

Early night as i had to get up!!

Managed to get up early and was feeling good. The sun was out and it was a great time to run.
Today we really made good time and ran for further than we had done before.I felt that i still had more to give. That is until i sat in the car, got out at home and wow! i couldn't put weight on my foot. So its been ice packs and anti inflammatory tabs all day in the hope it will be OK for Tuesday. What ever happens I'm not going to take time off now! We are making great strides forward.
Sues hips had been painful and she wasn't sure if she would make today so between us we are having a few issues. Better now though.
We have a run on 3rd of June a 3k so we want to be able to do that. Then a 5k in July and 10k in October we also think we may go and try half marathon in Dec but that's in Spain!!! One problem, i don't have a passport. Oops.

So Mikey your poor old Mum continues to try! and I'm not giving up and no complaints of pain. I'm just working through it.
I now realise the struggle you had and how incredibly strong and brave you were. Yep brave even though you always said you wasn't. It was about choice, that's what you said. How you live your life.
We are trying Mikey, we just haven't got the hang of it yet but we are giving it our best shot.

It will soon be the beginning of another week, time is passing by. That's all its doing at the moment. I expect it will do so for some considerable time to come. Maybe that's what we have to come to terms with.

So i better try and rest this foot ready for Tuesday in the meantime tomorrow is another day................

Day 262/263

Well what can i say. I was so tired after my run yesterday that i fell into bed early! Yes i know how unusual. The run went well although i ache all over. My legs are the worse!! Hope that will improve.

So yesterday just went by without too much of a problem.

Today i had a half day!! and it was lovely! Tim and i spent a bit of time that wasn't rushed.
We went shopping and yes i had to buy something. Some lovely white linen trousers and a pair of purple 3/4 trousers for my holidays and.... books. I have stocked up so that's me sorted!!

I have my Gaiam hoop thanks to Sharon so i will be trying to squeeze in a bit more exercise! I really should be fit as a butchers dog!!

Went to Bay Tree and bought a load of plants to put in the garden. Tim said Mikeys piece wants brightening up. So in the morning lots of plants to go in.

Tonight we went for a good walk by the river and then got film to watch.
Neither of us thought it was that good, very slow.
Been late night shopping at Tesco and have just done some virtual gardening!

I am really trying to keep busy otherwise i will be haunted by memories of last year and i really want to keep those at bay.
So for tonight I'm going to heat my wheat bag get a cup of green tea and have a read before sleep, lovely day but tomorrow is another day.................

Day 261

9months, where has the time gone. Hard to believe Mikey has been gone that long. The blog has sure helped i do know that. I would recommend anyone doing one if they have lost a loved one. I cant look back though and i thought i would. Maybe in time or maybe i will just keep going on this road. Its often hard. I remember Mikeys favourite quote about the road out of hell is long and hard.......... i guess i am still at the start of my journey.

Today was good for me in a way. Dr really pleased with my blood results. It would appear the exercise and weight loss are paying dividends. So i will keep up with both!!! I was told i was looking the best i have been for a long time. Maybe that cream is working! mind you i ache all over.

I have just watched the Black Swan. I couldn't really make much of it! and to think my choice of careers was ballet dancer or Nurse. Glad i chose the latter!! i would have been the Sugar Plump Fairy!!! definitely do not have the body for it! I didn't grow tall enough! that's my excuse.

Tim seems cheerful and has been gardening.
I went out of the door this morning to find a baby bird sitting on a rung of our car port!! took some snaps will try to put them on tomorrow. How he ended perched on there is any ones guess, he was tweeting for his mum no doubt.

Bought the final film in a trilogy i have been watching The girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest so maybe i will indulge myself again with a film this week.
I have a half day on Friday, time owing so hopefully we will get out somewhere.

Heard from my sisters today which was good. After Tom phoned last night i felt better, especially hearing him sound so positive. Toms coming down for a few days before we go on holiday and has said he will perhaps get a game of golf in with his Dad. I expect we will play when we are away. I wonder if i will be better now i have had my eyes done. Just a thought.

Right to bed then, i can hear it calling. Another good read before sleep i hope and then
Tomorrow, its another day........................

DAY 260

Not such a good day today! still haven't been hitting the herbal tea like yesterday. That's the reason i have been a bit teed off then!

Work would be great if it wasn't for the people!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrr why make a tough job harder, well i am glad i cant read every ones mind otherwise i will be walking around in huge voids!

Not to worry. Tim made me a fab lunch so I'm going to track when i finished here tonight, can you believe i forgot last night!

Running tonight and we really are improving!!! certainly running more than walking now. That's good because we have a few runs coming up. June the 2nd July and then a 10k in October!!! yipes and then we have to get a half marathon in as well! lord will be be fit and ready!! we will see.

My magical wonder cream arrived to day well i did wonder if i should try it on half my face, then thought better of it because if it works i could look as if i have Bells palsy! so i will try an all over go!!
Mikey would be shaking his head rolling his eyes at his dad and they would both just say, why don't you accept yourself as you are! Its a women's thing, well that's my excuse.

Best get some sleep, I'm running Thursday and again Sunday we are going to up our game! just pray i keep injury free.
On that note to bed. Its been short tonight but i plan to sit here longer next time, that's the plan but we all know that things dont go according to plan but tomorrow is another day..........

Day 259

I feel good!!!! i think it must be the green tea and chamomile!! i have been drinking buckets of the stuff today.
I got up early this morning and went off to work.
I had a good day, i told the staff i work with that i was feeling rather grumpy after yesterday and they left me to it. I got so much done and actually enjoyed the day. Can you believe that, and i was concentrating on health and safety. That's a first, yes another one.
I got off at 5.30pm, wonders of wonders. Tim was cheerful and we went of to do some shopping.
Got some T. shirts for my holidays.

More green tea!!!

Did some work at home and it was a joy!! feel well pleased with myself. Tim didn't mind a bit. I think we are off to the coast on Friday afternoon.

So i am sitting here high as a kite!!! full of beans and sadly its 1am in the morning and i feel as though i could run the marathon right now!

We was looking at some of our ornaments, the elephant that Tom bought back and Tim mistakenly said Mikey. That's the first time i have heard him say his name without the conversation being about him. It was good to hear a slip.

Tuesdays and Thursdays still remain painful for us so i am pleased i run on those days. I wonder how i will do tomorrow!!! i must have more green tea!! i did feel rather calm today!!!

For some reason i feel Mikey is close, how odd that i haven't felt like this before. Its a peaceful acceptance that he somewhere very close. Maybe he has done what he needed to do and has now come calling. Its about time!!!

Mikey was so sad this time last year, he knew that time was short unless he got his transplant, he spent so much time alone with his thoughts, a bleak place to be. Yet, today i can almost see his smiling face and hear that incredible laugh of his. Is it time to heal i wonder. For today at least but, tomorrow is another day............

HAPPY DAYS..................

Day 258

No i haven't missed a day i just got yesterdays wrong!!! Mind you that may well have been an omen. It should have been yesterday again, had to have been better than today.

Well i never got up early! instead i surfaced at 11am another first!! needless to say things went downhill from then on.

On a positive note i have lost 2lb on weight watchers this week, well done me!

It would appear that i still keep getting things wrong, i either say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing!! Maybe i should hole up for a while and see what happens.
If i off load now I'm not going to sleep. How odd that it used to help, now it just makes me mad!! So if i write i may regret it later, or maybe not!

Why is it?, here i go, cant stick to a thing can i? that we both said we should do more and when i do, i should be spending more time at home. Unless i do things when everyone is asleep it cant be done. I'm not making much sense but i know what I'm trying to say. Here sits a mad woman, not angry just mentally unbalanced tonight!!!!

OK i have tried to clear out my cupboards in a desperate attempt to clear my mind. That hasn't worked and now i have lost a shoe!! I'm not going to look for its mate i expect i have thrust it to the back of the cupboard. I have emptied handbags! now that is worrying. Blast it i can smell i have burnt another wheat bag!!! Shoot!

I have cancelled swimming tomorrow, what we will do instead I'm not sure, i expect i will just sit and fall asleep! well we shall see.

I was intending to put some more pictures on tonight but i cant be bothered. In fact i cant be bothered with very much at the moment. Maybe we both just need a holiday. Its only three more weeks, i wonder if i can lose another half stone. Oh yes i got a star today on weight watchers, a small reward for doing something right!
That makes a change, things can only get better, cant they?

 Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 256

I'm here!!! cant believe i made it. I am trying!!!

Amazingly i was up early this morning! must be the green tea instead of the coffee. I am also reading a really good book and maybe that's helping to get me off to sleep. Who knows and it may not happen again for a while. If i get up early tomorrow i will go for a run! We shall have to wait and see.

Had a really chilling day today and even managed to get a bit of beauty therapy in. OK it was diy but cant remember the last time i spent actual time on my body! Things must be getting better.

I looked through my wardrobes, always a mistake. They are heaving with clothes and yet i couldn't find anything to wear. Have i thrown the one item i really wanted to put on or is it in one of the boxes labelled, cant get in try next year!!! I have several of those.

I almost bought another motorbike today!!! i was so tempted and thought yay why not. It was a beautiful ZX400 just like my old one. I rang up and it had just been sold. Not sure if that was a good omen because now i think about it, would i have the time to ride it? and oh my gosh i really cant get in my leathers. Perhaps i should give them a bit of an oil because i expect they have dried out in storage.

I didnt get a cycle ride in today, well only to town and yep i couldn't help it a few new tops for my holidays!!

When i got home Tim decided we should go for a walk, he wasn't interested in the football. Tim seems to have lost interest in lots of sport lately i think its because Mikey is not here to talk about it. They usually had some good debates. I have been watching the Indian cricket this year and have to say i have become rather hooked. We used to sit and watch the matches in Papworth with Mikey. Sad to think this time last year he was home although waiting for Claire to come back from her holiday. I must not dwell on that!

So we went for a walk!!!! for 3 hours! It was into the bushes for both of us. A nature call!!!! good gracious i cant remember when that last happened either. Even Tims legs ached when we got home.

                                             My candle that Mikey bought me some time ago

                                          Not sure what went wrong!!! but gave us a laugh for
                                            a few nights

                                            I love this pic, very proud of myself

                                          Is this the smallest lock up???? still in existence

                                           A hidden village tucked away.

On that note I'm off to bed, Tomorrow is another day...............

Day 255/256

There you go! another two days worth to blog.
Last night i would have gone back to work, but i didn't have anything else to give! I know that i would have been side tracked and then doing something different to my work!! So i fell into bed, but it was still late.

I haven't started the day off though. Oops!

Lovely day weather wise again but the work day was frantic! Everyone wanting a piece of me until i ended up just being a husk. Completely drained.
At least i had my run to look forward to. I was late home, bolted my tea and was off. We did really well and continue to improve. The club was heaving, it was juniors as well and there seems to be an increase in the number of youngsters wanting to run. Excellent.
The club members continue to be supportive and we are still the newbies!!!
Mind you i was really worn out when i got home. Poor Tim he spends most of his time on his own!!!


Today 13th. Well i over laid this morning, i think Tim got fed up calling me. When i eventually surfaced i found Tim sitting outside enjoying the early morning sun!! He should have been a June baby!! I'm looking really rough and he looks like he has been on holiday!!!

Oh i sent for some of this miracle cream!! i fall for it every time in the hope it will miraculously make me look younger. I don't know why i bother!! Well if it comes in time i will use it on holiday and come back looking like a 20 year old!!! OK so i am dreaming, but why not!!!
There is a waiting list of 7,000 so I'm not alone!!!

Diana came to see me today. That was the highlight of my very stressful day!! i love that girl. Sadly she is going through a rough time as well work wise and i really cant understand why anyone wants to make a hard job any more difficult. Still when you are working with people, we really shouldn't be surprised. If i could i would go and tell the person myself, but that would only make it worse for her. So I'm thinking of her and will be all next week until she reassures me all is well!!! Rat bags that's all i can say!!!
On a positive note the weight is dropping of her! she is doing so well. Its an inspiration to me to continue with weight watchers! I'm sticking to points and tracking every day but it does seem so slow! well i do hope i can stick with it. Sunday is the day of reckoning so we shall see. Its another cycle ride for me tomorrow whilst Tim is watching the football me thinks!!

We managed to have ride out tonight to Bedford. Nice places on the way, so i do hope Tom gets the transfer!!! it didn't take long really to get there and back so much closer than Doncaster.

I am now off to bed and try to forget about work over the week end. Famous last words, still tomorrow is another day...... Love you Mikey miss you xxxx