Someone wrote to me that Good days become more frequent and bad days will appear, but not as dark and there will be more sunrises than sunsets. What a lovely comforting thing to read.
I still feel unsettled but hope that will improve over the next couple of weeks, we shall see.
Running was rubbish yesterday, well i was late home, Tom visited and i had to rush out. Legs ached like crazy, must have been the effort of Sunday lets hope tomorrow is better!! stretching when i can today.
Tim and i had a long talk about Mikey tonight and how we missed things. Living with CF you normalise things, and that's the trap we fell in. We were blind to some degree or just didn't want to hear what was being said. Reflection is a wonderful thing.
Thing seems to be the word of the night doesn't it!
Well i have to return to work tonight, more checks and then to book some leave.
DAY OUT WITH THE GIRLS COMING UP. It would seem I'm the only one going for the facial, and all the others going for a body wrap. Maybe i need more help!! So looking forward to the day out in February.
January, my new thing was obtain a PB in running. Achieved!!!
February experience a day in a Beauty Spa, that sure will be a new experience.
March will be the Olympic stadium run
April not decided yet
May will be the MARATHON!!
After that, no thoughts at the moment.
Well best get myself organised for the visit !!!! Tim's asleep as is Duke, some have the right idea, still i just need to remember that tomorrow is another day
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Monday, 16 January 2012
Day 509/510/511/512/513/514/515
Well its been a full week and i cant use the excuse of being on holiday and not having a lap top.
It has been a week of decision making, trauma and stress.
I can only say that losing Michael was the one thing that kept me upright. Knowing that nothing is as bad as that. The problem i was having was with the people around me and quite honestly i need them like i need a hole in the head. It got so bad that on Tuesday i handed in my notice!!!
Yep i phoned my boss wrote the letter, put my coat on well actually in the opposite order!!
Coat on and about to leave when i stopped and thought no its not professional!! so did the decent thing, phoned my boss and asked if they could spare a moment and then said why. Then i wrote the letter. Phoned Tim and said i wouldn't be home for lunch, not telling him what i was doing!!!! Tim would have been glad i think.
I could re visit last week and all it would do would make me upset again and i don't need it. Running gave me an outlet and for that i am very grateful.
My boss came over and was very supportive and would not accept my notice, asked me to reconsider and try to work things out.
He spoke to some people and i was later to discover from them that they was not happy that he had spoke to them. Well oh dear, we all have our crosses to bear.
I have managed to get things sorted in my head now, it didn't help to find out that i probably have skin cancer and off to see a specialist at the beginning of Feb. It was my birthday as well and that was miserable, i just should have taken time off!!
I realise that many people have egos and if they are not pandered to feel bereft! gee i feel sad for them, but its not going to happen.
I had a hard lesson to learn last week. The problem is i am so gullible, i always see the best in people and never think that anyone could be anything other than being honest! ha i should have learnt that from what happened after Mikey died. What a damn fool i am.
I miss my colleague! maybe we will be able to be in touch soon! i live in hope.
Sunday was race day and i still cant believe our time. Something must have spurred us on 5.25 miles in 50 Min's now that is really good!! so i ended the week on a positive note and hope this week will continue in the same vein. Well until 5.20pm it was, ah well tomorrow is another day..................................
It has been a week of decision making, trauma and stress.
I can only say that losing Michael was the one thing that kept me upright. Knowing that nothing is as bad as that. The problem i was having was with the people around me and quite honestly i need them like i need a hole in the head. It got so bad that on Tuesday i handed in my notice!!!
Yep i phoned my boss wrote the letter, put my coat on well actually in the opposite order!!
Coat on and about to leave when i stopped and thought no its not professional!! so did the decent thing, phoned my boss and asked if they could spare a moment and then said why. Then i wrote the letter. Phoned Tim and said i wouldn't be home for lunch, not telling him what i was doing!!!! Tim would have been glad i think.
I could re visit last week and all it would do would make me upset again and i don't need it. Running gave me an outlet and for that i am very grateful.
My boss came over and was very supportive and would not accept my notice, asked me to reconsider and try to work things out.
He spoke to some people and i was later to discover from them that they was not happy that he had spoke to them. Well oh dear, we all have our crosses to bear.
I have managed to get things sorted in my head now, it didn't help to find out that i probably have skin cancer and off to see a specialist at the beginning of Feb. It was my birthday as well and that was miserable, i just should have taken time off!!
I realise that many people have egos and if they are not pandered to feel bereft! gee i feel sad for them, but its not going to happen.
I had a hard lesson to learn last week. The problem is i am so gullible, i always see the best in people and never think that anyone could be anything other than being honest! ha i should have learnt that from what happened after Mikey died. What a damn fool i am.
I miss my colleague! maybe we will be able to be in touch soon! i live in hope.
Sunday was race day and i still cant believe our time. Something must have spurred us on 5.25 miles in 50 Min's now that is really good!! so i ended the week on a positive note and hope this week will continue in the same vein. Well until 5.20pm it was, ah well tomorrow is another day..................................
Monday, 9 January 2012
Day 505/506/507/508
How odd 508 that's cf number!!
Anyway here i am 4 days later. Friday was a nightmare and one i really do not want to revisit!!! and that's really work wise i have to say.
Managed to get out with Tim and Duke for a really long walk and that blew away a few cobwebs. Spent time on the rowing machine and goodness those muscles i found that i didn't realise i had are still complaining today!!Saturday we walked for miles. I think we went out at least 3 times.
I managed to pop and see mum and dad down Eastwood and spent a bit of time removing dead flowers and giving them a bit of a spruce up. I was the only person down there and its weird when you are in a cemetery all by yourself!!! Popped to see my niece who is looking very tired!! doing too much i think.
Sunday it was up early for my Sunday run. No Sue as she was working so Luke ran with me. A really nice lady from the club invited us to run with her and her friend. They said they would be a bit slow but my word i was running faster than ever but manged to keep up until we saw ahead a very large dog. An Irish wolfhound walking off its lead heading towards us, in fact there were two!!! stop and stay still Deb said, well i didn't need telling twice her friend Anne was on her cycle and kept going. They came behind us and i didn't dare look round, they loped off after Anne next thing i knew was Deb saying down the hill and we shot off at a sprint, i really cant believe i was running at full speed down a grassy bank praying the dogs would not follow. Well i think i pulled every leg muscle i had, i could feel the burn!!! and then i though ooh i need to go to the loo, but hey i can wait!!! 6 miles later!!!!
I am still paying for that run so i hope i will be OK for tomorrow night! But i wont be running through the pocket park i can tell you!!
We have a frostbite run on Sunday and we both want to do well.
I heard from Papworth and they have sent details for a just giving page and they will send us out some t shirts and balloons etc with sponsor forms, once i have seen Sue tomorrow i will get back in touch with them. All systems go now. Its going to be a tough few months.
Tom popped round with a fantastic telescope he has bought, he hopes we will be able to view Mikey's star, it was too cloudy last night but lets hope for a nice clear evening soon.
Tom and his new toy
Tom seems so much happier than he has been for months, long may it continue.
I'm off out for the day with the sisters again next month. A trip to a health spa, we could chose one particular treatment, I'm having the hour long facial, Tim wondered if this would be long enough!! I am still thinking about talking to him or not!!!
Been out for a 5 mile walk tonight!!! so feeling rather tired.
Well i better get an early night if i can, i need all the rest i can get these days note i didn't say sleep. That still does not come easy to me but i keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day..............................
Anyway here i am 4 days later. Friday was a nightmare and one i really do not want to revisit!!! and that's really work wise i have to say.
Managed to get out with Tim and Duke for a really long walk and that blew away a few cobwebs. Spent time on the rowing machine and goodness those muscles i found that i didn't realise i had are still complaining today!!Saturday we walked for miles. I think we went out at least 3 times.
I managed to pop and see mum and dad down Eastwood and spent a bit of time removing dead flowers and giving them a bit of a spruce up. I was the only person down there and its weird when you are in a cemetery all by yourself!!! Popped to see my niece who is looking very tired!! doing too much i think.
Sunday it was up early for my Sunday run. No Sue as she was working so Luke ran with me. A really nice lady from the club invited us to run with her and her friend. They said they would be a bit slow but my word i was running faster than ever but manged to keep up until we saw ahead a very large dog. An Irish wolfhound walking off its lead heading towards us, in fact there were two!!! stop and stay still Deb said, well i didn't need telling twice her friend Anne was on her cycle and kept going. They came behind us and i didn't dare look round, they loped off after Anne next thing i knew was Deb saying down the hill and we shot off at a sprint, i really cant believe i was running at full speed down a grassy bank praying the dogs would not follow. Well i think i pulled every leg muscle i had, i could feel the burn!!! and then i though ooh i need to go to the loo, but hey i can wait!!! 6 miles later!!!!
I am still paying for that run so i hope i will be OK for tomorrow night! But i wont be running through the pocket park i can tell you!!
We have a frostbite run on Sunday and we both want to do well.
I heard from Papworth and they have sent details for a just giving page and they will send us out some t shirts and balloons etc with sponsor forms, once i have seen Sue tomorrow i will get back in touch with them. All systems go now. Its going to be a tough few months.
Tom popped round with a fantastic telescope he has bought, he hopes we will be able to view Mikey's star, it was too cloudy last night but lets hope for a nice clear evening soon.
Tom and his new toy
Tom seems so much happier than he has been for months, long may it continue.
I'm off out for the day with the sisters again next month. A trip to a health spa, we could chose one particular treatment, I'm having the hour long facial, Tim wondered if this would be long enough!! I am still thinking about talking to him or not!!!
Been out for a 5 mile walk tonight!!! so feeling rather tired.
Well i better get an early night if i can, i need all the rest i can get these days note i didn't say sleep. That still does not come easy to me but i keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day..............................
Thursday, 5 January 2012
Day 503/504
Well i missed yesterday but i spent several hours interestingly finding bits about Mikey on Google!!
It was so very windy yesterday and work continued to be hard but my word not a patch on today. Do we stop and really consider how we spend our time and how much is wasted on useless things. Very often things that are out of our control and that come the next day they are still waiting.
I have said this year i would try and concentrate on myself and the family. Its a struggle and its only 5 days into the year!!!
We didn't get out last night for our walk so big effort from Friday onwards and over the week end!
Today was an absolute nightmare of a day. I think the worse working day i have experienced and really am considering my options. I know i said this last year but good gracious I'm not sure i am up to the amount of work and effort being demanded of me.
I obtained a rowing machine today to help strengthen up some of my lazy muscles and should assist in improved running. Well i can hope for that at least. Tim had a go and needed help getting off it!!! have to say i felt rather smug when i managed to get on and off with little effort!!
Running tonight and we did OK but it was windy and the first part of the run went rather slowly so had to up the pace later.
When i have finished her i will contact Papworth Hosp[ital and get detail of their charity registration so i can get a just giving web site up and running. I will put a link on here and hope everyone who visits could donate a small amount to a very good cause.
Annie at the running club who makes the tea has told me not to get injured because she is looking forward to the Olympic stadium run. I have offered her one of the free places i have been given that allows my guests access to the Olympic village and stadium to watch the race. I am very excited about it now.
One of the runners has offered to come on some long runs with me and Sue to help encourage us and to ensure we keep our distance work up!! How kind.
Well off to research Papworth and try not to think about work tonight, after all Tomorrow is another day.
It was so very windy yesterday and work continued to be hard but my word not a patch on today. Do we stop and really consider how we spend our time and how much is wasted on useless things. Very often things that are out of our control and that come the next day they are still waiting.
I have said this year i would try and concentrate on myself and the family. Its a struggle and its only 5 days into the year!!!
We didn't get out last night for our walk so big effort from Friday onwards and over the week end!
Today was an absolute nightmare of a day. I think the worse working day i have experienced and really am considering my options. I know i said this last year but good gracious I'm not sure i am up to the amount of work and effort being demanded of me.
I obtained a rowing machine today to help strengthen up some of my lazy muscles and should assist in improved running. Well i can hope for that at least. Tim had a go and needed help getting off it!!! have to say i felt rather smug when i managed to get on and off with little effort!!
Running tonight and we did OK but it was windy and the first part of the run went rather slowly so had to up the pace later.
When i have finished her i will contact Papworth Hosp[ital and get detail of their charity registration so i can get a just giving web site up and running. I will put a link on here and hope everyone who visits could donate a small amount to a very good cause.
Annie at the running club who makes the tea has told me not to get injured because she is looking forward to the Olympic stadium run. I have offered her one of the free places i have been given that allows my guests access to the Olympic village and stadium to watch the race. I am very excited about it now.
One of the runners has offered to come on some long runs with me and Sue to help encourage us and to ensure we keep our distance work up!! How kind.
Well off to research Papworth and try not to think about work tonight, after all Tomorrow is another day.
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Day 502
Woke up this morning to wind!!! gale force winds. The damage to fences at work, joy!!!
Really busy today after the New year holiday and have had little time to think. Lovely all the computers down which really gave me time to catch up on tasks usually left to one side.
Tom came round this evening and he looks well and has his door fixed now properly!!
Sue went to the hospital and they are not sure what the problem is, so she is going to have a scan. Not able to run with me tonight as she has a bad cold! So Luke bless him took me out again but my word my legs still ached from Saturday!! Rowing machine needed now to do a change of exercise on the rest!!! nights. And tonight one of the runners gave me his old marathon plan. How kind was that.
It was really tough tonight in the wind but managed somehow to get round, just keep reminding myself that this year is for Mikey!!!!
Booked our seats on the London Marathon bus to support the rest of the runners in April. So i have the Olympic run in March, London marathon to watch in April and our Marathon in Edinburgh in May and its January already things are hotting up. Eek. So some time left thank goodness and i just have to remember every day that...
Tomorrow is another day
Really busy today after the New year holiday and have had little time to think. Lovely all the computers down which really gave me time to catch up on tasks usually left to one side.
Tom came round this evening and he looks well and has his door fixed now properly!!
Sue went to the hospital and they are not sure what the problem is, so she is going to have a scan. Not able to run with me tonight as she has a bad cold! So Luke bless him took me out again but my word my legs still ached from Saturday!! Rowing machine needed now to do a change of exercise on the rest!!! nights. And tonight one of the runners gave me his old marathon plan. How kind was that.
It was really tough tonight in the wind but managed somehow to get round, just keep reminding myself that this year is for Mikey!!!!
Booked our seats on the London Marathon bus to support the rest of the runners in April. So i have the Olympic run in March, London marathon to watch in April and our Marathon in Edinburgh in May and its January already things are hotting up. Eek. So some time left thank goodness and i just have to remember every day that...
Tomorrow is another day
Monday, 2 January 2012
Day 501
Cant quite believe i have managed 2 days running, i wonder how long it will last.
I forgot to mention yesterday that we had a sparrow hawk sit on our garden fence and looked in at the window. I managed to get some photos but sadly through glass so the reflection is not good still i will see what they are like when i get them on the computer.
It was so mild today and after a good walk this morning we did a bit of gardening. The leaves look such a mess. Tim trimmed back some of the trees and would you believe it there are buds on the branches already. The seasons really are mixed up.
Tom phoned and he had managed to lock himself out!!! Dad to the rescue, thank goodness he lives closer now.
Another walk out tonight, i must get fit for this year so between running i must walk and get on the fitness equipment! and the diet resumed today. I fell off the food wagon over Christmas and gained to my shame 7 pounds. Can you credit it, but hey ho must try harder.
I have to say this week end has been a real break from work and although i bought work home to do i decided not to do it. I am pleased i made that choice. All in all the last few weeks of the year have been really tough and i must give time to my home life!!! Personal time is going to take a priority this year.
Going to have a visit to health spa next month, that will be a first!!
To bed i have to be up early and its running tomorrow night, and ooh my legs ache today!!
I forgot to mention yesterday that we had a sparrow hawk sit on our garden fence and looked in at the window. I managed to get some photos but sadly through glass so the reflection is not good still i will see what they are like when i get them on the computer.
It was so mild today and after a good walk this morning we did a bit of gardening. The leaves look such a mess. Tim trimmed back some of the trees and would you believe it there are buds on the branches already. The seasons really are mixed up.
Tom phoned and he had managed to lock himself out!!! Dad to the rescue, thank goodness he lives closer now.
Another walk out tonight, i must get fit for this year so between running i must walk and get on the fitness equipment! and the diet resumed today. I fell off the food wagon over Christmas and gained to my shame 7 pounds. Can you credit it, but hey ho must try harder.
I have to say this week end has been a real break from work and although i bought work home to do i decided not to do it. I am pleased i made that choice. All in all the last few weeks of the year have been really tough and i must give time to my home life!!! Personal time is going to take a priority this year.
Going to have a visit to health spa next month, that will be a first!!
To bed i have to be up early and its running tomorrow night, and ooh my legs ache today!!
Sunday, 1 January 2012
Day 499/500
I couldn't blog last night so i will start the year with yesterday and today. Maybe just a little differently.
Dear Mikey
Its been another 12 months and every day we think of you. You are not forgotten. Sometimes the days pass and then a month has gone. All they are though are days and dates. Life just goes on. I wish i had reached that stage where i can remember all the good times, and yet i still see you that last day in hospital, i pray for the day when i can see your happy face. I wonder if i am just hanging on to those memories or just because it seems like yesterday. Dad misses you so very much and often will say he has nothing to live for now. Yet he too goes through the motions of life. We know that's not how you wanted us to be, but Mikey its such a huge thing to ask of us. Promises made are not always easy to keep. We are sorry but its just too much. Maybe, maybe this time next year i will be writing a different letter to you. Tom was saying yesterday how pleased you would be because Tottenham are doing well and what a shame you didn't see that.
Dad watched a Harry Potter film today for the first time and enjoyed it. It was The half blood prince, the last one you saw. We know you hoped to see the final parts but i will try and get dad to watch them with me.
Are you happy where ever you are. I hope you are amongst friends and family and are breathing easy. I don't know what i believe in but surely there has to be something better. I hope.
Toms back in town and seems to be happier than he has been for a long time. I hope this year brings some peace of mind and some joy into his life. You were always the more organised and practical one. You were also the one who just loved life. Mikey the world is a poorer place without you in it.
I don't know what Claire is doing but I'm sure if you can, you continue to watch over her. I have been blessed with the friendship of some of your friends who share their lives with us.
Yesterday i ran the New Years Eve Run at Little Downham. Its a popular run and hard to get a place, so we were lucky. We ran well and did a good time, it put us in a positive frame for this year. After all the injuries of last year and only being able to run between one lamp post to another i hope you would be proud of me. OK so i have a tendency to get lost, but Mikey i have never been boring!! I have made some good friends you would be pleased to know. I have also tried to do something new every month, and that will continue this year as well. I'm not sure about Dad i think we will just have to wait and see.
And so another year begins. This is a year for you. Each run will be another step towards the Marathon in May.
The candle burns in the window and light to guide you home to us. A beacon of our love to you. I could talk and write for hours but you know what the posts like if i don't get a wiggle on i will miss the last collection, and so i will close for now and catch you later.
Love you loads, miss you
Mum xxxxx
PS Thought you might enjoy seeing the pre race picture!!!
Dear Mikey
Its been another 12 months and every day we think of you. You are not forgotten. Sometimes the days pass and then a month has gone. All they are though are days and dates. Life just goes on. I wish i had reached that stage where i can remember all the good times, and yet i still see you that last day in hospital, i pray for the day when i can see your happy face. I wonder if i am just hanging on to those memories or just because it seems like yesterday. Dad misses you so very much and often will say he has nothing to live for now. Yet he too goes through the motions of life. We know that's not how you wanted us to be, but Mikey its such a huge thing to ask of us. Promises made are not always easy to keep. We are sorry but its just too much. Maybe, maybe this time next year i will be writing a different letter to you. Tom was saying yesterday how pleased you would be because Tottenham are doing well and what a shame you didn't see that.
Dad watched a Harry Potter film today for the first time and enjoyed it. It was The half blood prince, the last one you saw. We know you hoped to see the final parts but i will try and get dad to watch them with me.
Are you happy where ever you are. I hope you are amongst friends and family and are breathing easy. I don't know what i believe in but surely there has to be something better. I hope.
Toms back in town and seems to be happier than he has been for a long time. I hope this year brings some peace of mind and some joy into his life. You were always the more organised and practical one. You were also the one who just loved life. Mikey the world is a poorer place without you in it.
I don't know what Claire is doing but I'm sure if you can, you continue to watch over her. I have been blessed with the friendship of some of your friends who share their lives with us.
Yesterday i ran the New Years Eve Run at Little Downham. Its a popular run and hard to get a place, so we were lucky. We ran well and did a good time, it put us in a positive frame for this year. After all the injuries of last year and only being able to run between one lamp post to another i hope you would be proud of me. OK so i have a tendency to get lost, but Mikey i have never been boring!! I have made some good friends you would be pleased to know. I have also tried to do something new every month, and that will continue this year as well. I'm not sure about Dad i think we will just have to wait and see.
And so another year begins. This is a year for you. Each run will be another step towards the Marathon in May.
The candle burns in the window and light to guide you home to us. A beacon of our love to you. I could talk and write for hours but you know what the posts like if i don't get a wiggle on i will miss the last collection, and so i will close for now and catch you later.
Love you loads, miss you
Mum xxxxx
PS Thought you might enjoy seeing the pre race picture!!!
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