Day 616-637

Well what a shock i got tonight!!! Cant even work out these new settings on my page. Why oh why did they have to change them!

Its been so long and yet i promised myself i wouldn't leave it so long. Some things just have not changed have they.

The last few weeks have been most odd. The weather has been so variable and work has been, well what can i say. I thought i had managed to work out in my mind what to do and how to do it. Nope that didn't work out at all well. I really have yet again been giving serious thought to my future, but at the same time wondered if this time of the year could have been influencing my reasoning. Well i guess anythings possible.

So many things are happening, the Marathon is getting closer and tonight for the first time ever i have my doubts in myself! Running tonight was so hard, and asthma attack in the middle of nowhere surrounded by that wretched Oilseed Rape was nearly the end of the run before it started. I have been working so hard and the long runs have gone well even though its been tough. 16.2 miles on Sunday and then tonight! just have to have faith in myself.

I have felt Mikey close recently but only whilst running. When I'm tired i can see him just ahead, jeans and t shirt on trying hard to run and giggling at himself because he knows he cant really do it, beckoning me on and then trying to do the same thing again. I could feel myself smiling even though i was struggling with the effort but he was nowhere near tonight!

The days, as i have said, have been odd, we have had walks out with Duke when its been really cold and down on the river the narrow boats have had their fires going and you could smell the woodsmoke burning, wafting across the park and fields, such a feel good aroma. Then rain,rain and more rain and tonight so warm, but no air. Not good!

Well i read my last post and it wasn't true!!! the box didn't contain an exercise bike but a rowing machine!! not much difference must have been because i was tired.
The shorts, still not tried them but i did however try the false tan and what a mistake that was. I have ended up with lovely brown arms but white wrists and hands!! and no i wasn't wearing gloves when i applied it. So if anyone has any ideas!

I'm worried i want raise the amount i hoped for the CF unit at Papworth, so i am desperately trying to promote the run, still its 3 weeks to go yet.

It was Mikey's birthday on Sunday and i felt so sad. I guess that's how it will be, i cant change anything, i wish i could. Mike would have been 27 years old. So very unfair. Maddie remembered us and sent a lovely basket of flowers and they had such bold orange blooms, Mikes favourite colour. How thoughtful was that.

Well i hope i can post some photos on tonight of the Olympic run, here we go

                                                                Before the off

                                                                     Almost finished, just entering the stadium

                                                             On the track

                                                              My finishing time

                                                                  Medal and race number with t shirt

                                                                             The back of my shirt and my medal xxxx

Well there is a few of the pictures of the stadium etc and my medal! well i best get to bed, try to feel a bit more positive and remember that tomorrow is another day............................
                                                                                                            
                                                                                                     
                                                                                                      
                                                                                                  
                                                                                                     
                                                                                                            
                                                                                        
                                                                                                   
                                                                                         

Day 596-615

At last time to blog! it really is becoming the norm and i feel very sad that i have been reduced to this mindless being just trawling my way through the days.

I cant remember the number of times i have said that work has taken over my life, but in fact it has. Talk about the proverbial mouse on the wheel, well here i am.

Constantly i have to keep telling myself to get a grip and change, i don't. I wonder what it will take!  Have i made the point i wonder.

Recently misery found me and i was lost in her dark embrace for many days even the Run in the Olympic park didn't really lift the veils of despair. I truly began to feel as though this time there was no way of escaping. I guess by sitting here writing i have!

The run was very emotional and i wonder if i some how thought that at the end all would be well and Mikey would be back with us, is that what i am hoping for when the Marathon is run? i have spent the last 18 months since we lost Mikey focusing on the day and just hope that at the end all my grief is going to be there with a vengeance.
It does worry me now, to so long concentrate on achieving this goal, and then what!!  Perhaps i haven't dealt with it, how will i manage!

The warm end to March reminded us so much of Mikey and how he would have had his shorts on as soon as the sun came out. Sun glasses and cap and his beautiful smile. Such bitter sweet memories. How we miss him.
Who ever said time is a great healer, lied!

I think tonight's blog is going to go from one day to another in a haphazard way and have little to no order to it. That's how my mind is at the moment. No order and muddled. I would almost say confused but that may well cause too many issues if i started to consider that!

Sue my buddy is still not fit and i will be running alone in Edinburgh, the prospect of that is daunting, so the ipod is well full and i have some shiny new earphones that hook over the ears, i just hope the music will keep me going when all else fails.
I have been really unwell since the Olympic run with a chest infection and was unable to run for over a week. This has set my training back and Sundays long run was murder!!!! i have now purchased a whole bag of lolly pops hoping they will give me some energy and keep my mouth moist, i will try them out this coming Sunday. I think i got the cold when we had to wait so long before the start of our Olympic run.

i was in the Pink wave, the last group to go and we was still waiting in the cold when up on the big screen came the first finishers!!! It was an incredible day really, as we ran into the stadium from outside into the tunnels we heard the music play and it was the theme tune to Chariots of fire, bought a lump to the throat. Mikey was with me, i had a big picture of him on the back of my shirt. 55 Min's to complete the 5 miles and i stopped to take photos and to go to the loo!!! so i was happy with the time and there were hills!!!

I was booked to go up to London  this week end to watch the Marathon but need to get my miles in training so i will offer my seat to someone else, Sues not going either so i would not have had a buddy to talk to anyway. 

I have in a huge box beside me an exercise bike! purchased on Saturday and still not opened. Work Friday night and again Saturday and tonight got a call as well. Just cannot manage all these disturbed days/nights and Tim is fast losing his patience. Sadly in my line of work you cannot just say no, or so what!! Who would be a nurse i ask myself. Perhaps i should re train. I need to see some very dear friends, i could do with their common sense and compassion, i miss them!! ah well time off soon i hope.

Tim's snoring away in bed i cant sleep in fact not sure if i should in case i get a call! what a state to get into.

I invested in a foam roller to exercise the calf muscles, i must admit it is pretty damned good and sure does stretch out the muscles and crushes a few knots!! of which i seem to have many.

I have purchased a pair of shorts because i do not like the heat. Well i looked at myself in them and collapsed in a heap with laughing. It really shouldn't be allowed that women of a certain age are able to purchase these on line!! not sure if the streets  are ready for this. What with having to wear compression socks i look like an elderly school girl, well that is stretching things but with the compression shorts working on the upper thigh and the socks working on the calf you can just imagine what the flesh looks like in between  even those with little imagination must get the picture. And my legs are so pale i wonder if i should use a false tan, chances are i will make a mistake with the application!! so best not.

Do you know this has been the best medicine sitting here tonight and i will make sure i do this nightly!! so until next time, after all tomorrow is another day...........................

Day 573-595

22 days of silence! 22 days of just plowing through the days. Existing from one day to the next. Work, home bed, work home, run, bed. So my days progressed. An endless blurr that i can hardly remember.

Work has taken over our lives and i question is it worth it. Well the bills have to be paid. I used to enjoy my job, now the pleasure has gone and I'm working to bring back some joy into the role. Time will tell.

Tim has been so fed up and yet again trying to get time together has been nigh on impossible. So i really must make some changes. The problem is that major changes are taking place and y job is to steer the ship and stop it from sinking, we are listing at present!!!

So my running! its only 4 days now before the Olympic park and stadium run and i am getting nervous. The new trainers i have are giving me problems and i am still getting used to them, however i have just had the biggest blister imaginable, lets hope they heel well.

I have been to hospital and been treated for skin cancer on the face and legs! So its long skirts and baseball hats for me now.

Sue my running buddy remains injured and cannot run in the Edinburgh marathon with me now! although she is still coming up for the race. I will be lonely running alone though. Still its all in a good cause. Some of the runners in the club are injured and at least one has dropped out because of an ankle injury.

So i have my race pack and numbers and tomorrow i will get my bag packed!! and Thursday no run because i don't want to be too tired!

Lon runs on Sundays i am up to 14.25 miles! yippee but its the after effects that surprised me and i wasn't really expecting. So tonight's run was so hard!!  Still onwards and upwards.

I'm really tired and need some R and R so hope that will come soon!!! anyway tomorrow is another day...................

Days 565/566/567/568/569/570/571/572

This is becoming a habit. Late blogging. I so enjoy the time i have to sit and ponder the days events and reflect on where i am today

Special time, we all need that. Those moments when we can let of steam and maybe look back on in weeks to come.
Since i started this blog and how Mikeys death has affected us i haven't looked back. Its still too painful. Neither have i been able to look at the cards etc we received. I would like to do that but something stops me.
Mikey is with us in the lounge and there is not a day that doesn't pass that i look and think about what was and what could have been. I know that life is just so unfair.
Do you die of a broken heart? i know now that there are many ways to die it doesn't have to be physical.

We are wandering through the days. Time passes not necessarily healing, and do we want the wound to heal i rather think not.

I am trying to do things to make sure that i honour Mikeys memory, not sure what I'm losing on the way, but i do think i am gaining more that losing!

I have become more assertive about my needs and that the running is a prime example. I love it. I think mainly the fact that each time i go out i am challenging myself, pushing just that little bit more.

So this past week has yet again been full of work and problems and my home life has taken second place and that has to stop. I don't know how to do that!! i feel i am on a roller coaster that i cannot get off.

Mustn't go there or i will spoil my few minutes of my time.
Tim's in bed asleep and here i sit.


Running is going so well at the minute but i know how quickly that can change!!! so trying to look after myself

Last Sunday i ran 10.25 miles and during the week my legs were so sore! still this morning came and i ran for 11.25 miles!!!
I can hardly believe it is possible. It was raining and that was my first time i ran like that. I was soaked through and didn't care. Next time i will carry a change of clothes!!
I have been so lucky that some of the more seasoned runners have taken me under their wing.

I have just received my new Nikon, yes another camera. This time a slimline ultra light one that i can take with me on the Olympic run and the marathon. I'm going to make the most of both occasions as its very doubtful i will do another!!

Mikeys lovely friend who he thought of as a sister has now told everyone that she is engaged to be married. I was so proud that she shared that with me last year. Mikey would have been over the moon for her.

Dukes on the mend after the health scare last week and almost appears back to his usual self.

So another week begins, its March and Spring is just around the corner and it snowed today!!

I thought i would start having some early nights but it would appear that i cant even get that right. God its got to stop.

So to bed.
I will try to put some photos on and give this memory record some life!  Ah well tomorrow is another day.................

Days 560/561/562/563/564

And its Saturday and another week has passed.

W word has been the pits and so hard to explain why. So very tired this week, sure the late nights into the early mornings have taken their toll in many ways.
No joy in my days what so ever and to be honest the cost on my home life has also been very expensive. I don't think Tim and i have had a conversation fro almost 3 weeks apart from talking about Duke and arguing about work. Not a good combination. I am beginning to question my very existence.

Losing Mikey hasn't taught us any lessons. We are still just wasting our time and doing nothing with it. I do have running but as a couple we are seriously losing track and i don't know what to do about it. Bury my head in the sand sounds like a good plan at the moment!!

So, lets see. Duke has at last begun to pick up and it looks like we may have turned a corner. Very scary when we didn't know what was wrong. Still unsure if it was a bug or poison!. Could be as he runs across the fields all the time. He may be a little anaemic now so i have bought him fresh liver and broccoli to give him some iron!! he loved it. Lets hope it does the trick.

Running has been a beast and my legs still ache from last Sundays long run and it will soon be that time again! I really struggled on Tuesday and Thursday. So i went and bought some new trainers, not sure if that may be contributing to the problem. Had gait measured again just to be on the safe side. Not sure if i like the new ones, tried them for a walk tonight and they were not as comfortable but it may have been the socks. I will have to wait and see. Soon be the Olympic run though!!!

Thursday was lovely the sun was out and the fens bathed in the glory of the sun, how different the landscape looked. The trees have that hazy look about them, I'm sure the buds are forming. The snowdrops are out. the crocus are showing their colours and the daffs are pushing their way through he soil. Spring doesn't seem so far away.
The evenings are staying lighter and the night sky has the slipper moon shining brightly i even managed to see the international space station as it passed.
So something good this week after all.

Sue my running buddy is still not fit, i do hope she soon recovers as the marathon training is well under way now and it will be hard to catch up, i think she is going to have some physio now, that may help.

Toms been out for a game of golf with his friends and seems to be much happier these days at long last. That is at least a positive thing!!!

I have just been listening to Emeli Sande'  Lifetime and the words go like this

Dreaming only lasts until you wake up and you find you're not asleep
Silence only sticks around till someone in the room decides to speak
And luck runs out and hearts go cold
We're only young until we are old
And Summer leaves us wondering where it went
The friends you have can disappear
The whole world can change within a year
And money only lasts until its spent

But you, you
You last a lifetime
You last a lifetime

Truth will change and time will fly
The party lasts until the wine is gone
This time next week the radio will change its mind
And play a different song
We stay in touch till we forget
And beauty fades the kiss will end
And fame will love and leave you just as fast
You'll have it all until its gone
The books get burnt and statue's fall
Sometimes feels like nothing will ever last

But you, you
You last a life time
You last a life time

Listen its very true!!

And so, tomorrow is another day..........................
 

Day 582/583/584/585/586/587/588/589/590

9 days!!! i feel as if i have lost my best friend by not blogging. I feel as if i have been robbed of all contact with anyone friendly!!
How bad is that.

When Mikey died i felt dreadful and now i just feel really fed up and disillusioned.

I have so tried to put things into perspective and have failed miserably. I gave up some leave to help out a colleague only to discover that i really should not have bothered! as in the grand scheme of things i may as well have taken it. This week i have been told i cant take the leave i have booked for this week!
I have had a spa day booked with my sisters. Its Lin's birthday and now i will not be able to go. All because of other peoples actions. Yet again paying the costs of someone else actions.

This week my place of work has been invaded by loads of strangers and i feel like a vagrant! no place to call my own! I have had to perform some unpleasant tasks and that is never easy.

I have hardly been home for nearly two weeks and Tim told me to take the keys! as he cant recall when i got home as planned and that we are having separate lives. Well that much is true. As i said i hoped to have a few days together and nope!!! not to be.
Even sitting here now i feel like i am rushing. I am trying to get to bed!!
For the last week i have not laid my head down till 4 am and up again at 7am

Duke has been unwell and now had two trips to the vets and another due on Friday, that's a worry, we are not too sure what the problem is.

I have the Olympic stadium run coming up and i am not having time to enjoy the thoughts of that.
My running buddy is still not fit and its been hard without her, but she is hoping to return soon.

Running has been OK and that has been a place where i can get rid of some of my frustrations, although that hasn't really worked either!

At the moment i look about 90 years of age and barely recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, that is scary!! Splitting headache and pins and needles in my hands because i havent had my tablets properly. Best take them!

So on that night I'm going to bed and  just remember that tomorrow is another day

Day 579/580/581

Misery has had a hand I'm sure in the last few days. I have just felt so low in mood and then things have kicked off at W!!!!

What started as a day with me in a positive mood ended in despair and confusion. I have had to do something very unpleasant today and really need to man up or i wont last the course!! Didn't leave w till after 6 so was too late for a run, and then had to return for night visit and didn't get home till 3 am!! Thick snow and freezing fog. I knew that Friday would be tough but was feeling fairly confident that it would go well.

I should have known better. I must have this huge invisible sign hanging over my head that says, these shoulders are broad deliver all your s... here. That's how it felt.
The day just got worse and by the time i left i was in a state of utter lack of faith in the human race. I really do wonder why people have to behave in the ways they do, where is kindness and compassion these days.

Tim has been very supportive and when i got home he even said he would come for a run with me although he would be on a bike!!

So i thought i would go back to W on Saturday and try to make Monday a bit easier. That didn't happen!!!

Minus 12 this morning and we decided to go for a walk!! it was so cold although Duke loved it. The world was an eerie place today, so silent and still a complete white out with the freezing fog.

The sun came out a little later in the day.

Tom visited and was so positive it lighted my life a little to see him happier that the last two years.

I decide to go for a run in case tomorrow is another day of being snowed in. I need to get my miles in otherwise i will not be ft to do the marathon.
I told Tom i would run to his and back home. I did!!! he was surprised, in fact i surprised myself. 5.3 miles in an hour on dodgy paths! not sure how the legs will be tomorrow but must keep pushing now.
Toms coming to lunch tomorrow which will be lovely!!

Had a bit of a shock tonight!! i have been listening to music all night as Tim has been watching the sport, Rugby!!! anyway i sat here in Mikeys room at the computer, Duke is always interested and watches from the other side of the gate which is in the kitchen.
The ipod was in shuffle mode so i had no idea what would be playing next and i had my earphones on. The ipod started to play The art of Balance by AFI  Mikeys favourite band.
I heard a noise in my left ear and felt a warmth!  Duke had come into the room! don't know how he managed it took one look at me, poked me with his nose, jumped on Mikeys bed picked up one of the soft toys and went!! Uncanny . Tim wanted to know why i had opened the gate!!! ha not me and apparently not Tim, i have my doubts i wonder if he forgot! Still Dukes back on the other side watching me yet again, the gates shut i checked!!

Well i better get to bed i have to get up early for the run and i am feeling a lot better now that i did when i first started to write but i must remember that Tomorrow is another day..............