Day 872-875

Hey Mikey its midnight the bells are chiming and its the end of another year and the beginning of a new one. The 3rd new year you have missed! Maybe i should say another year we have missed you.

Its raining, the fireworks are going off and the sky outside is ablaze with Chinese lanterns mine will come tonight, when its dry. After all I'm a danger to myself at the best of times, so when its wet and windy there will be little hope for you receiving said lantern!

Duke is proving to be a bit of a baby! the fireworks upset him and i have just been wearing 70kg of fur, muscle, teeth and claws as a medallion! oh and that's when hes not trying to sit on my lap! i may have to put the radio on for him, he loves music, now how bizarre is that!

2012 has been an eventful year. Its only now when i look back i can actually think about how many things have changed.
A year of ups and downs, highs and lows. Astonishing feats, how on earth i completed a marathon i really don't know. I believe you were there with me spurring me on. I can only just do 5 miles now! i have been injured though,  does that count?

Your Dad has decide to get fit this year, ah well lets hope he does do that, may give him an interest and something to talk about.

This time last year i was training for the run of my life! and am now looking forward to some early morning runs. The knee has improved shame about the back and all the rest of me though. Well its a new year and we must think of new things to do again each month.

So i have enrolled on a core fitness challenge, looks hard!!! Still i will give it a whirl.

It has been so hard since changing jobs to focus on what is important in our home lives. So easy to lose sight of that and yet again i find myself on the endless wheel of work!
So today i take stock and re evaluate the year ahead.

Tom has settled i think and appears a bit better than he was, i suppose he too has had to adapt and make changes to his life. Never easy is it Mike, you probably know that more than any of us. Its still hard to grasp the fact that you complained so little. in fact Mikey you never once grumbled at all to us. What a wonderful man you were and still are in our hearts.

So many people still remember you Mikey, you are not forgotten.

 May is going to be an eventful month, your birthday, a special wedding and another effort for CF. Can you see us Mikey? oh i hope so. Hope, its that word again, so small and yet so meaningful, a word we shouldn't just use everyday but we do.

At last Duke has curled up with his Monkey and appears settled! for now.
I'm still taking loads of photos and getting as much pleasure as i did when i first started using it. Still not got to grips with all it can do so sent for a copy of Nikon for dummies, well needs must. I have the use of an ipad now. I can almost hear you laughing at that and then the words that its a waste on someone like me, and you would be right! ah well at some point i had to move with the times, but my trusty phone remains the same, a brick, but a working brick!

This year more of your friends have joined you and i hope the party is still going on, if you can if its possible think kindly of us and know that we love you you still.

For us, tomorrow is just another day...................

DAY 860-871

Well Mikey Christmas is just about over, thank goodness.

I know you loved this time of year but we have very little joy now about the whole period. Tom makes us remember. If we didn't have Tom i think we would give up on the whole process.

So how have the last 10 days passed.
The weather as usual has been pretty grim. Rain rain and more rain.
My car has been going well and i love it. So pleased i made my mind up and had it.
The knee is recovering well but i have put the back out as well although thanks to physio and the exercises it seems to be on the mend.
I have another race next weekend and not sure if I'm really fit. The new exercises are showing up muscles i forgot i had! and i have been visited by Mr dead legs and have struggled round the streets.

Work is good and the travelling to and fro gives me time to think and by the time i get home I'm chilled! now that does make a change.
The scenery has been quite remarkable, i can see the same view daily but i can see something changing each time i gaze across the fens.
The fields are water logged and huge lakes of water are covering the new planting, i wonder what next years harvest will be like.

Coming home the other evening, well it was Christmas Eve and i managed to get off a little bit earlier so it was just getting dark. The country roads were like ribbons shining with the wetness with the moon catching light on them, it was mystical and very calming. I could have drove all night. Oops a name of a song.

Tom bought me a telescope and i will now be able to star gaze to my hearts content. I attempted to see the moon tonight, with little success. I could see it OK with the eye, but focusing the equipment another matter entirely!

Duke has been in his first fight! oh Mikey you would adore him. He is almost human and i often wonder what hes thinking. Still a small terrier bit his nose when he went to play with it. Poor Duke came off the worst and has now a lovely scar on the tip of his nose. As dad said his modelling days are over!

As you can imagine i have put weight on, now there is a surprise, so the diet is under way! again yes i know I'm always on a diet, but this time i hope it stays off. Linda has done really well and looks 10 years younger, so here's hoping lol!

People still remember you Mikey and write messages on your Wall, Claire Cruickshank always thinks of you.

Maddy is getting married in May and I'm sure you would have loved to have been there, i hope we get photos and will share them with you.

Never a day goes by without us thinking about you and we all feel that there is a huge pert of our family gone and will never be able to fill that void. To be honest Mikey we just cant get on as you wanted us to, but we do try.

I think dad may take up running in the new year! cant wait to see him in shorts. I will have to post a photo when that happens. Tom is now quite keen on cycling and does seem to enjoy it.

Scott has moved into Nans house so yet another whitwell in Eastwood. Its comforting knowing that its still in the family.

Tom was on the Tornado steam train from Welyn to Norwich he was conducting it through. We went to Ely and watched it come through the station. There was Tom with his head out of the cab checking the signals, huge grin on his face, surrounded by these huge bouts of steam. What a sight and what a privilege to be on it.

Well i better get to bed, work in the morning, i did have to go in today for a while but i didn't mind.
I bought Dad Moby Dick on audio CD ready for the really bad weather. Do you remember how the three of you used to sit and listen to stories on tape on Sunday mornings.

Nite Mikey love you xxx.

So till the next time, we still only function a day at a time and at night we go to bed thinking, tomorrow is another day......................

Day 807-860

Can hardly believe its been so long since i last wrote on here.
Why? i suppose because i have been so miserable that i felt it unworthy of me to include writings when i was actually feeling so sorry for myself.
What happened, well i had the run i spoke about and it went well, i picked up the car and it was really good and then my back went. It has been one thing after another and apart from not being able to sit for very long i was in so much discomfort!

I ended up having physio on the back instead of the knee. Couldn't turn over in bed, hardly get out and just standing was the pits. Walking was better.
Tim thought it was the car and for a few weeks i thought it may have to go! I was unable to go to the Hilton, missed running and generally as i say feeling sorry for myself.

Eventually i was put on medication which did the trick with the exercises and boy that wasn't without risks in itself!
One gym ball and discovering when laying over it i couldn't get my hands of feet off the ground to do the stretch and then couldn't get off the wretched thing because i couldn't roll onto my knee. 7 am in the morning and Tim had to help me off it, started to push it and i was heading south, so he pushed me back until we realised if he had the feet i could propel on my hands to the bed. it was quite comical now i think about it but not at the time. I checked out the box and the ball was for people 5 foot 2 and over, i am 5 foot so the 2 extra inches were a problem!! and Tim had inflated it as much as he could to hold the weight!!! Today i purchased a smaller one

I managed to get to the club but only walked for several weeks and then ran for a minute and walked for 5. Backs now much better and i had my first proper run last Tuesday and ran 4 miles and the time wasn't too shabby. Race New Years Eve so I'm hoping i can manage that. Thursday was miserable again as i had just had physio and was given a running rehab programme, and that was so hard work, i was worn out for the run and it was so cold. It was minus 5, and i could feel myself tightening up and thought best not. Did a couple of miles and headed back. I will see how Tuesday goes. The thing was several of us were injured and all doing run and walks. Good company.

The days have been so strange too, the weather has been so changeable. I enjoy the early morning rides to work, the scenery changes everyday, its times like these that i wish i could paint.

The wash has been flooded and the Hereward relay cancelled and hoping to repeat it in February. I had an offer to do the LA marathon with CF but i have been advised no Marathons until the end of next year. I contacted them and hopefully may be offered a place in the NY marathon in 2014. We will see, i still have no passport.

Start training in the new year for the 40 mile walk in May.
Received a wedding invite to Mikey's very best friend in May too, he would have been thrilled that she was so happy, i am looking forward to that.

Managed to get out with the girls last week on Mums birthday and went for a meal in Jamie Oliver's restaurant.

I haven't been out with the camera for a few weeks but today we went to Ely to watch Tom drive through on the Tornado steam train. It was wonderful to see this huge piece of transport coming towards us on the track, steaming away and Tom, head of of the cab grinning away he had been booked on it to work from Welyn to Norwich what an opportunity.

I thought i would fill pages to make up for what i have missed but its a shamefully short piece!

Christmas is almost upon us and i do so dread this time. Its not been the same since we lost Mikey and it was his favourite time of the year. He would be so organised and have his pressies done well in advance. Gosh i miss him so much. He has been very much in our thoughts lately, its hard to appreciate that this will be our third Christmas without him

That's what i mean, how on earth can i write such meaningless stuff about how i am when i remember what he had to endure, truly puts me to shame.

Well i was going to inflate my new ball but i think it can wait after all tomorrow is another day!

Days 791-806

16 days cant believe it. Its shameful that my time has been spent in mundane things!

Where to start still not downloaded the photos!

My knee is really getting so much better. I started off going to the club and managed 3 mile walks twice a week and have been out cycling. Started to cycle to the club last week and even managed a ride out yesterday.

I have had physio and that's all going well i think! loads of exercises and back on the 5th November. This week is my last week of walking i think i may just manage a little run! i can do 5 minute runs and 5 minute walks for 3 miles. I may just try that on Thursday, we will see if not leave it till next week.

I have remained very busy in my new job and each day i face a new challenge! I'm getting home tired and in the dark now. Winter draws ever closer i fear.

I had an amazing ride home the other evening  The sun was just setting and the sky had an orange glow, the fields had a mist rising up and as i was driving along the dual carriage way a flock of geese swooped down and were flying along the centre of the road in front of me, just like a winged escort. Beautiful.

I haven't as yet been out with Tim and Duke in the evenings but i am sure it will not be long now. The weight has crept on during this period of exercise drought and that has to be taken in control again.

I didn't get in the London Marathon yet again but have managed to get a team of 6 from the club to do a 65k walk across the downs in Surrey during May of next year all for CF. What have we let ourselves in for. I cannot read a map and there will be no signage, we have to find our own way all in 17 hrs! more training to come.
Mikey said do something different and i continue to try and do that. Its hard to accept sometimes that i would never have done anything if we hadn't lost him. I would have just meandered my way though living, quite happy with my lot, but just see what i would have missed, so Mikey thank you. What a task you set us.

I have managed to find the car i have wanted for a long time. Stuck to my guns and could not be persuaded to change my mind. A first in the car stakes, yet again Mikey you would have said about time too! Tim has been quite relentless in his tactics but i didn't waver! a wobbly moment or two but at last after many miles out looking and trawling the car websites tracked one down. Off i went last weekend all alone, deal done. Collect it next week. i will of course put a snap on here!!!
So this weekend Tim had stomach bug, i awake Sunday unable to see out of my left eye. I had been bitten in the night by a gnat several times. What joy i looked like nelson! The memory of those wretched insect bites a few weeks ago came sharply to mind to it was start on the antihistamines and hope for the best, a bit better today and horror of horrors once up on Sunday received a phone call to say my bank cards had been compromised and the fraud police were on the phone telling me how many attempts to remove funds from my account had taken place!! Lucky for me they didn't sanction them and as we were talking the card was being activated. I hope they catch the rotten people!

Today it was off on a course yet again travelling to Wokingham this time. Train to London, tube to Paddington, across to reading, then Wokingham and return in the rush hour. Eek what a journey i left home at 0530 and arrived home at 2100hrs a long day!

Going to an Awards ceremony at the Hilton in November! another cocktail dress.! fish out of water springs to mind. Then i have the marshaling event the same weekend, two more training days out!! not looking forward to that. Travelling oh my word.

So I'm off to bed tonight worn out! Age thing i guess. Still tomorrow is another day......................

Days 782-790

OK so its been a week!. The leg has been a tad stiff and sore when sitting so i have avoided my usual spot in front of this screen!!

Well I'm here now and i have had almost unusual week i guess. Only in as much that i have really chilled out. I have rested the leg, i have walked i have tried the exercise bile, um looks like Roger and i will become friends again this winter. i also plan to use the rowing machine i bought earlier this year and haven't been able to use because of the knee.

I have really been trying hard to get fit and i managed a short 1 mile walk on Tuesday. Friend picked me up and we went to the club. Then Thursday we managed 3 miles! felt good so i took the car out late one night to see how i managed. Yay did well and haven't looked back. It was and is still a little sore after driving, but I'm back at the hospital Wednesday and will see if they are pleased with the progress. Physio booked for the following week. It will be two weeks on Wednesday and only another 2 weeks before i can run.

We haven't managed to get out as much as we planned. I was due the annual leave and we thought we may get away for a few days, but as i had just started my new job i thought best just use the leave to recuperate! Next year we do want to get away for a few days. Maybe back to one of the lodges in Devon in the early Spring, best not plan anything though.

My new job is well just fab. The people are so nice! just wish i had moved ages ago, but we get stuck in this comfort rut and happily go with the flow. Still a challenge is good for the soul i believe.

The weather is changing and Autumn draws ever nearer. The fens are returning to that barren landscape. In  a few weeks it will be the black soil and nothing growing. Depressing. Its foggy tonight, my journeys to work will be a little more stressful and take that little bit longer to get to and fro, still a small price to pay.
The evenings are becoming cooler, not yet ready to put the heating on, but it will not be long i fear.

Cant understand this country! how is it that the local council has now embarked on the Christmas theme. Get the lights up now! its bad enough negotiating through the centre of town at the moment, the roads are up all over. Madness, the frosts will react to the new tarmac, sink and crack and we will have lousy roads again! complete waste of our tax payers money!! The street lights are being turned off early in the mornings, i know because I'm still awake! Yet here they are stringing up hundreds of coloured bulbs across the streets!

I have heard from some of the staff at my old place of work, just pleased i have moved on and not to interested now. Sad but there it is.

Mikey loved Christmas and i now find it so hard! i try and have asked Tom if he wants to put some decs up but he said no. Relief i think. Will it ever be a joyful time for us again, i rather think not.  Would be good to hibernate for a couple of weeks, or become every scrooge like! I have a photo somewhere of Mikey as the ghost of Christmas past, how apt!

Sisters want another day out, Lin rang today to see if i can make Friday, but i have just had the past week and a half off! sods law isn't it. Still hope to go shopping with them before Christmas.

Duke continues to grow and is a beast now, a lovable beast all the same, he gets through leads like a child with there shoes!

I suppose i best get to bed, still not sleeping well but i have become accustomed to that now. I do so miss Mikey, every day i think of him, every single day. At the strangest moments, Crying on the way to work, a tear coming home from shopping, it doesn't go away, the pain the anguish and the hope that its all a mistake. I'm not an unintelligent person, lord knows  i know but.................. I think we have learnt how to hide our true feelings, they become our own and not to be shared, that emotional wreck is just for private!
Misery has been avoiding me recently and for that i am grateful. I remember well that dreadful feeling of despair, its fading into the background somewhat now, is this healing, i don't know is it because we are so drained thee is not enough to quench misery's thirst, i think that's it!

Photos, good gracious i have forgotten to down load them. I will do it now and i will post on here tomorrow, i will return, because after all tomorrow is another day................................

Days 762 -781

My word almost 3 weeks have passed since i last blogged and what a lot has happened! where do i start.

Best get to those wretched insect bites i received, they eventually caused me so many problems that resulted in blood poisoning!! that made me feel lousy, what with the antibiotics, anti histamines my concentrations shot!

Still manged to get a place in the new years eve run at Littleport, yippee! the site was full in less than 10hrs. So lucky me.

Oxford for 2 days!!! what a trip, not used to the underground, i had quite an adventure. Who would have thought that by changing a job one could be so transformed. Certainly true what they say a change is as good as a rest. Work is going really well and maybe i can now admit that i should have done it ages ago. Still sometimes you cant see the wood for the trees and carry on in what appears to be a safe and comfortable place. The thought of change is far worse than change itself.
I had a blow out on the way home from work, cant remember if i posted that but included just in case i did forget!
Lots of photos to add to this site but that will be for tomorrow i fear.
I eventually had the op on my knee, and it was quite a revelation and in many ways has been a reassuring one. Strange thing to say.

So i arrive at the hospital wave bye to Tim, turn and see him drive off and thought what if i don't wake up. I wasn't concerned or worried just very accepting that this may happen. Still walked through he door with out a care in the world. How odd.
Taken to the op suite, given a gown, asked to pee and then the medics came round and a walk to theatre! in as many minutes as it has taken me to write this. Very quick, and then the dreaded anaesthetic and i thought of Mikey.
If i was to say i dreamt of Mike, that wouldn't be true, however i did experience a strange thing. maybe in my imagination, maybe it did happen i am not sure. All i know is that i was aware of Mikey and i had the sensation that he was strong, he wasn't alone, i was aware of two other people? not sure because i didn't see faces or whole beings, just 3 light sources. They were Mikes friends not mine, i was not aware that i knew them but they were not strangers. Very odd, Almost as if they were supporting each other. Did i get some message. Not that i am aware. I wish i had and yet it was quite comforting.
I woke up with no feeling of sickness and no awareness that i had had an operation. If Mike went to sleep like that then the only way you know that it went well or not was to wake up and discover that, So i am very content for a better word that he did just sleep. There maybe some kindness in that thought.
So i was awake, cup of tea, physio to get me walking, up stairs and down stairs dress and ready for home all in 4 hours!

I had a cartilage partially removed and i had a deformity on each side of the femur which had caused ulcers to the cartilage! so they shaved the bone as well and now i am up and walking.
Well the crutches went after a few hours i was a hazard to myself!!

Did the exercises and then yesterday went for a walk into a shop! big mistake in some ways, however i felt good. Until.............

I had on a pressure bandage and it is to stay in place for 72hrs so it should come off on Saturday. It was Thursday!! yes there i was walking around a garden centre and i could feel the bandage slipping. Anyone who remembers terry nappies on a child will be able to recognise what happened next. Slowly it started to appear below my three quarter trousers and walking a quickly as i could we started to hunt for a ladies!! and before i got there. it had slipped right down to the ankle, just like  the elastic had gone in a pair of knickers!o. How embarrassing! There i stood in the loos trying to undo this wretched roll of bandage and wool roll and re do. I had help from a fellow user who was completely bemused by  what she was actually doing! i quickly said operation and swelling and i was tied up like a kipper!! at least it got me home where i iced the leg and replaced the bandage in a my professional manner. It didn't last however because i spent most of today hitching it up until i managed to purchase a stronger bandage. Now i wonder if its too tight. Still it comes off tomorrow!

Its feeling a tad sore now.

I received an Elvis in the post yesterday too. Elvis is on the front cover of the LVM magazine saying sorry you didn't get in, so i will have to see if i can get a club place. I will try very hard to get one but if not then it may be Edinburgh again.
Well the leg is playing me up so i will retire for the night and hope it soon feels better. After all tomorrow is another day............................

Day 759,760,761

Wow that's a week gone by and the weekend is also over and back to work tomorrow.

Its certainly been different! i wonder does it count though? well in my book yes it does!

The weather has been so hot this week and travelling to work with the sun in my face and not forgetting my eyes! has been some what interesting. Driving skills being honed at long last! Tim would say over due and goodness only knows what Tom thinks. He has little faith in me, i wonder why? Tom called round after yet another cycle ride and tried to help me with this ipad. He gave up and said you are dangerous, you cant understand the working of a computer at all!!! Get someone to do it for you, well i had down loaded an app and i was proud of myself!!! Mikey just the same, they found it hard trying to explain things to me and usually gave up!

Anyway i digress!

Late finishing Friday and the drive along the bypass was beautiful the sun was just setting, so i got the camera out, whist driving, yes i know a danger to myself and others. But i just held it out of the window and hoped. What i wasn't expecting was a photo very similar to Mikey's fb page photo, really uncanny.

Saturday lazed in the garden and played with the ipad, well playing???? a chore which i abandoned when Tim suggested a walk with Duke. Camera as always with me and off we went. It was wonderful, i could hear the raucous noise of the Crows, yes they are back and flying towards the trees to settle for the night. I was getting quite worried that i had not seen any for such a long time. I really like the noise they make. Tim thinks I'm odd and asked what bird would you like to settle in the tree in our garden and my response surprised him.  Owls, was my swift reply. Tim said he could live with that! Coming to the end of our walk we watched a man sitting in the sun on the river bank fishing, his wife watching from their garden under a parasol, drink on the table. A really lazy picture. A catch! the fish rising out of the water, i shouted across the river, hold it up! To my surprise as the camera clicked so did my brain! My cousin David and wife Diane. A conversation took place across the water. Makes a change from the garden fence.

We finished the evening watching a film. We needed to keep busy today.

Today was so hot and it was the Grunty Fen half marathon, i hadn't entered because i thought i was having the knee done, so pleased as it would have been murder in the heat!! So garden, ipad!!!!! and then a ride this evening. Sue has turned her ankle and thought a cycle ride would be good. I'm running well at the moment so we rode for 16 miles! i had a numb backside by the time i reached home. It was then an evening with George Gently  followed by a blog.

It was with much sadness on Saturday that we became aware of the loss of another young man to CF. Mikeys friend Matt lost his battle against CF. Mikey would have said if he was here, the bar tab keeps getting smaller. So Matt, breathe easy, enjoy the party that awaits you on the other side, your friends are waiting.

 For us, tomorrow is another day.............................