Four days! well that's hardly surprising really, what with one thing and another!!
Its amazing that i am here tonight!!! I can hardly see, have pins and needles in my hands and a swelling the size of a ducks egg just under my eye!! Went running in the rain and something either bit or stung me. The joys of attempting to get fit! I'm in pain and feeling generally sorry for myself.
The past few nights i have been at work till the early hours! it has to stop. I know i have been saying that for a while, but i cant sleep. I cant settle and i keep thinking of Mikey.
I am finding it so hard to cope at the moment. Murder springs to mind, i could willingly throttle someone, anyone will do. I can just feel this inner rage and need to just do something. It will pass I'm sure. But i am so angry at everyone and everything. Its sad i know but that's how it is at the moment.
The weather hasn't helped and having no air conditioning has made work additionally hard. Work load ever increasing and i cant see the end of that at present. Ah well......
Tim has been unwell the past two days and looks dreadful. Not sure if its the weather, a virus or if it is because its that time of the year. Yesterday he lay on the sofa wrapped in a quilt and looking poorly, poor Duke was missing him, i was trying to puppy sit!! all that did was to encourage Duke to play!!! so no peace there!! I spent most of the early hours looking in on Tim. He looks a bit better tonight.
This time last year, i was worrying about the visit to Addenbrookes with Mikey and worrying about what the outcome would be. I cant believe its a year when the downward spiral of all out lives was to under go such a dramatic change.
Misery has been tormenting me. Hovering close, i can almost feel her breath on my neck. I am keeping her at bay, just, but the struggle is almost too much to bear. I sometimes feel as though i want to submit and drown in the sorrow i feel and yet i don't. Every day i wake saying today is going to be better, it isn't. Visions, pictures, memories and conversations, tease me frequently during my waking hours, sleep is my only solace.
Tears, what are they? an outpouring of emotion that brings no relief. I am not whole, a part of me has been ripped away and the repair job, is of a very poor standard. So i am here, a broken thing, nothing in life seems important and has so little meaning. I question what life is and what purpose we have in the universe. Who really knows, and whilst i ask the question, i don't really give a damn!
Who am i now, don't know, don't care. Sounds almost like a child in a mood, bordering on a tantrum. All i need to do now is stamp my feet, well that's for later! You can almost see it cant you, this 57 year old woman standing with hands on hips, scowling at the world!!!
Ah well, tomorrow is another day................................
No comments:
Post a Comment