Day 353

Well the week end is almost over and here i sit, survived another day.

I'm in a bubble at the moment or so it appears, most things today have just washed over my head. I have an almost devil may care attitude. Still whilst that may be how i feel, its as if I'm half asleep as well or is it I'm half awake. Not too sure but its a weird feeling.

I did get up early and took myself off for a run, and all by myself today, there was no way i was going to run with the big boys, i think they were going for a brisk 12 miles!!! and the mid group set off while i waited for my junior running partner, who didnt get up in time!! So i ran alone, thank goodness for the ipod! i did a short run today thought i would give the route for Thursday a go. Managed to get to the return section when i saw a tent camped out in a field. Not too sure who may have been in that so i turned around and back tracked so possibly ran more that i should. Lets hope so cos the time was OK.

The day has dragged really and all i wanted was tonight to come so i can get to sleep and it will be work! that does take my mind of everything. Still i got some plants for work and then popped up and set them out. Only for one of the staff to say their was a dog coming. I said i hope its on a lead and when i turned around there was Tim and Duke. He was good as gold!

I bought an impulse purchase today!!! it was only after an hour when i realised it was a mistake. I bought a yellow, squeaky duck for Duke, needless to say its banned for overnight!
I will try to put a snap on when i have finished blogging!

This evening i went for a ride and called in at Eastwood to say hi to mum and dad and to check out our plots. I was horrified and couldn't believe my eyes. There must have been a mistake surely!!! There in one of our plots was......... someone else, a posy of flowers and a marker name plate. Surely not. I stood there ages and looked and looked. Was it me, have i made a mistake, what will we do. What will i do. Oh my word. Best get home and check out the plans and our numbers.
Pedalled home like a bat out of hell whilst listening to Snow Patrols Run, on my ipod.How bizarre was that!!
Threw the bike against the wall , almost jumped the gate, quick leg over was what i could manage. Searched for said paper work and couldn't find them. Are they with the wills, says Tim looking totally bemused. Well he would be, he hasn't even been to see where we are going to end up!!! Finally found them, huffing and puffing and moaning that they were not where i had told Tom where to find everything. Tim's fault of course.
I had made a mistake, we are laying side by side not head to feet!! phew!! I just cant imagine what we would have done. I can just see Mikey laughing his head off if we had been able to tell him, he would probably have said, whats the problem, who cares, you cant dig someone else up again, we will just move along a bit. No big deal. What are you getting yourself upset about Mother! Probably grinning and shaking his head whilst looking at his Dad. Yep I'm pretty sure that's what would have occurred.
I feel recently my blogs have become e series of descriptions of my days and not really how i have been feeling. Its odd that the weeks building up towards August have been so difficult. Just work and nothing else. The holiday seems a time of distant past, and i cant imagine how the future will be. No plans, nothing really to look forward to, just time in motion. Is that what life holds for me now, I'm not sure. Losing a child has such a profound effect on you, you cant imagine, its something you have to experience, and yet you would not wish anyone to go through the things we are still living with.
How do the parents of the young man who was killed on a school holiday cope knowing their son was mauled to death by a polar bear. How can anyone imagine the horror. I know i cant. What we experienced was dreadful but is there worse than that? I'm sure other parents in other situations would say yes. Perhaps we just need to know that we feel each others pain. We care for each other and perhaps when our paths cross with other grieving parents we can at least offer support, i hope i will be able to do that at least.

I miss him so very much and time hasn't helped......... not yet, but tomorrow is another day