Yeah, yeah, yeah heard it all before and here i am 4 days in trying to get here. Or am i just making excuses? who knows maybe i am. I hope not because this is the one place i can just get rid of all my pent up feelings and boy tonight have i a lot to get rid of, but maybe just maybe this isn't really the place. Where is i ask myself.
With all the problems we have had over the past year why is it that other people just make it so damn difficult for you.
So I'm in pain from my back but tonight i have a serious pain in the backside!!!! Grrr
I get home from work and enjoying a quiet swim or so i think. Yep work again. Spend the rest of the evening there. Tim is by now getting really fed up and i can understand it. It really is taking over my life, or am i just letting it. Two steps forward and 46 back!!!! will i ever learn.
Tom is causing me some concerns!!! and I'm really worried about him and the next few weeks.
The diy at the week end, well i have traipsed up to the DIY shop more times than i have had hot dinners. Sunday was no exception!! Boy was i sorely tempted to but the drill where the sun doesn't shine!! am i sounding a bit stressed tonight. I am sure i am because i feel it!!!
Bank holiday Monday well i wish i could have slept through that!! i did take a car out for a test drive! liked it told Tim when i got home after he had told me i was the one who would drive the car even though i had said i preferred another type! Still duly went and then he says what about this model!! you cant win. When i say just make your mind up and stick to it, I'm wrong! and they women cant make there minds up. Today its another make and model!!! This is the very reason i said i wouldn't change MY car when he sold his. Famous last words again.
I really do avoid anything that would cause an argument. That's rich really after the events of today. I cant believe i allowed myself to be pushed to such an extent that i lost my temper. No not with Tim!!!!! i can count on one hand the number of times that has happened to me. Ive been cross, upset certainly but to lose that control, rarely. It has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and i do not like how it has left me feeling. No matter the justification. So I'm sitting here now beating myself up with a stick!!
I have physio in the morning so hope that will make some of this pain go away!! i wonder if i will be able to run tomorrow? hardly i think, and that's making me frustrated as well!!
I'm such a misery tonight I'm fed up with myself!! if i read this again in a few months i will be thinking you silly old fool what an earth were you rabbiting on about! Still here is here and now is now!
There are so many more important things to think about and yet i continually allow myself to be dragged along on this road to knowhere!
I have been clearing out the bedrooms and its been an emotional time as well, finding more and more reminders of Mikey. Such bitter sweet memories. So much sadness and joy all mixed together. The need to cry and the time to cry. The need to laugh and smile and the sorrow of our loss. There is no easy way to describe the complexity of this emotional journey. Each day throws up new challenges to overcome. To some extent i do cope but on other days its so hard. Thats when you find yourself becoming the person you know you are not! Does that make sense? some days you just dont recognise yourself. Some days you really dont give a rats.. who you are!!!!
Today i dont like myself but hey, tomorrow is another day................
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