Day 364/365

My word its been a year of blogging, some daily posts and some 2-3 days before i blog.

I was driving tonight just as the the sun was setting over the fen. What a glorious sight. Nature does have a way of soothing the soul.

How odd that today has resulted in me really questioning where i should be and what i should be doing. I have felt over the past year whether i am doing the right job and indeed if i am doing it as well as i should. Today has been no exception and tonight and this week end i need to make a decision.
Sometimes when you put yourself last in the hope that others will perform well the cost to oneself is almost unbearable. The drive to succeed and do well also has its limitations and not without cost. Is this sustainable, I'm not sure that it is. I was reading a letter that was found today, written by me to another member of staff and i was so assertive, mind you the letter was written 10 years ago and i would say that person has got lost somewhere.
I wonder if it is because i care so passionately about work and the job i do that i have too high expectations of others? not too sure about that. But if i am to continue i am just going to have to think of me first, can i do that.

Mikey would have something to say about things, he would often ask if i could work in the CF unit as they were always looking for nurses. I said no i don't think i could. Now having lost Mikey i certainly couldn't. So where does that leave me, back to NHS or continue in the private sector, go back to nursing shifts or make a stand and fight for myself. Ummmm.
It could just be that this week has been really disappointing. I was so keen to get a grip this week. Oh well its not the end of the world is it.

Mikey's garden looks lovely and this week end Tim wants to build a fence, a bigger fence!!! to protect it from Duke!!! so we should be busy!

Tim said today how much he misses Mikey and every day he has a tear, that made me feel a bit better because I'm doing that too! Its just so bloody hard. I wonder am i wallowing, i don't think so. It feels as if it was only yesterday, what a strange thing time is. Where does it go. The older i become the quicker it passes! I seem to have blinked and a week has gone by. We are certainly on the slippery slope downwards!

Do you know i was always so fussy about how i dressed and i had quite a thing about changing earrings and necklaces daily to match my clothes, i cant be bothered anymore, and yet that has always been fundamentally me. Again its odd how i have changed. I do wonder if there is any hope that i will be able to find myself. Perhaps i am a different person and that's where the conflict is.
Certainly tonight is a time for reflection. I thought this would have happened before now or indeed last week. Just goes to show that there is no measure, no set period and that everything has to be to suit individuals.
Am i waffling on! yes i am, i sound quite mad! and maybe i am!!!! I have more ups and downs than a roller coaster, climb aboard for a white knuckle ride!! its free.

My picture was in the paper this week!! Tim liked it he said i looked ready for the off and was pleased to see that something really was giving me some pleasure. It has, running is my solace, even though I'm rubbish at it! still at least I'm trying, some days! On others i suppose I'm very trying.

I'm going to give up swimming in the new year and either run another day or spend the time with Tim and go for some walks. Yet another night this week with no how water and the pool was cold again. So either you cant swim, cant use the jacuzzi or no showers!! Not good at all!

My running partner had good news today so next week we will get back to our usual runs, neither of us have been fit this week. Dropping a huge file on my foot didn't help either!!! ah the joys of being accident prone.

I haven't heard from my friend Diana for a while i hope she is OK, i will send her a message over the week end.

Well it would appear that misery once again caught up with me and she is almost suffocating me with her shroud of despair! and i was so pleased with myself earlier this week that i had managed to feel her coming! famous last words. Ah well tomorrow is another day........