Why, why why, just when you think things are OK are you hit with such a ferocious bout of sadness. I guess misery found me, always laying in wait and ready to ponce. Well she caught me tonight and once again i was wrapped in her black shroud of grief. There are times when you just cant accept whats happened and if you don't think about it well it hasn't happened. Its all a delusion of course!
Getting ready to give my account of the run on Sunday and just listened to AFI Morning Star. Mikeys fave group and one of the songs i know he listened to. The words haunted me tonight and i felt such sadness for him and wished i could have known how he was feeling and given him some comfort, for that i will always be sad..
Its been 16 months at at this very minute it feels as if it has only just happened. Its such an overwhelming feeling. Maybe its the time of year, i don't know. It doesn't matter what you do to try to remain positive and keep busy do what ever it takes to get through the days, you don't! It just looks like it to others. How good do we become at pretending, ah well we only show the world the part of us we want them to see. Its these rare moments when control slips and the tenuous grip on living slips. Night time is the most loneliest and the longest part of a day.
I suppose i should share the events of Sunday, its such a struggle today to explain what occurred. I hope i can muster enough enthusiasm to get across what happened.
I got up really early and had breakfast, didn't drink too much and donned the compression socks, do you know they even had left and right on them, well that should have been warning enough!!
Sue came down and we set off to Peterborough. Arrived in plenty of time. Goodness the porta loos were already whiffy so it would appear what we had been told about runners needing the loo was correct. Still we were feeling really positive. Done everything right this time, or so we thought. Time for a group picture and a warm up. Well the warm up was almost our run so we thought, best not over do things and started to walk back to bag area.
Gentleman stops us and tells us we are going the wrong way!!! the start was where we were coming from and we should turn back around. Sue said she needed the toilet. Public loos are on the way he says but the race was about to begin! He was carrying a horn, so i asked if he was the starter, yes says he, well thought we OK we will walk with you!!
No toilets and a huge group of bodies that we got caught up in. It was really warm in the middle i felt like an Emperor Penguin until the klaxon went and this surge of bodies moved forwards carrying us along with them. No idea where we were as all these people were around us. Anyway we were going to fast and we had to slow down i was gasping and we had only gone a short distance. Anyway we managed to get some control and set a steady pace. It was then Sue said she really needed the loo, and we had only done about a mile. We asked the Marshall's round the course and none till we got back to the start! 5 miles away and we had to do the route twice to make it 10 miles. Sue had to keep stopping which suited me because of the ankle although it felt really good. We eventually came to a wooded part of the route and Sue said she would just have to get into the bushes!! by the time she had finished i thought um maybe i should go. No one in sight not a one we were obviously last. We kept plodding on and our time wasn't too bad. Oh dear now i really needed to go. W were now being passed by the quick runners on their second lap!!! these were the winners, by the time we got to the start area we were guided by the Marshall's down the road. This isn't right i thought, we were herded with the elite!!! only for someone to note that we shouldn't be there, lifted the tape and ushered us under it and set us on our way . But with no direction!!. Still need the loo and nipped in Sainsburys. Quick out and tried to find our way Sue recognised a broken fence and we went down that path. No signs and no Marshall's. We decide that we would continue anyway but feeling a bit odd about the whole thing. We saw a man come towards us who was holding bits of tape. A Marshall only to tell us they were all packing up as they thought we had already gone through! Sue asks if he could phone ahead to let them know, but that was not possible. So he gave us a map of the route and asked us if we could follow that. Well what a game, we had no idea. We were on housing estates and all sorts. We eventually came to the wooded area again so we knew we were on the right route. We came to the main road and found the bollards to give us a safe route on the road had been removed. So we had to cross the road walk on the grass verge until we reached the roundabout and re cross again to get onto the path. Then we saw the man on the bike trying to get our attention. He was the sweeper, someone had phoned him to let them know that we were still out on the road. He escorted us the last 3 miles!! He was very sorry. By now we were really fed up and although determined to finish felt a bit let down. We completed the course in 2 hours 12 minutes which was good all things considered! and got a bottle of water for our troubles.
Luckily a married couple with the club waited for us. They are both in their 70s and good runners but were concerned about us and made sure we got a cup of tea and a piece of cake!! Everyone else had gone!!
It could only happen to us!!!
Not sure how to resolve the loo business its only on race days, perhaps nerves?
Ankle and legs lasted the course, but the tops of my legs were a bit sore and ached, still that's a 10 miler out of the way! should start to get better soon i hope.
Sue phoned today and cancelled running, to give our legs a rest until Thursday, good plan i think!!!
Oh well just keep reminding myself that tomorrow is another day.....................
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