I cant believe it that i have struggled to blog for 3 days!!!
My days at the moment no longer seem to be mine! and yet i have managed to get back on the road again with my running. A new programme and the knee seems to be OK. I know that i haven't as yet really put it through its paces though.
I managed to run on Tuesday evening and again at lunch time today!!! Wow i have never taken a lunch break and exercised. It did however give me a bit more energy today to get me through yet another very busy day. Oh and swim on Wednesday evening!!!
My time has been spent pulling ends together at work and yet seems to be almost immeasurable. What have i got to show for the hours i have put in?
People and time on the phone takes up a huge part of my day, still that goes with the territory and we are lucky that we are in such great demand at the moment!!
Hospitals are struggling with beds so i would think that has huge impact on our type of provision.
Tonight Tim and i went out for a meal with friends and have only just got back and i have at least another 4 hours work to do. Not going to happen because i can feel myself falling asleep!!! but i so wanted to blog.
Its been 7 months today since we lost Mikey and as i have said before Thursdays continue to be really hard still. Its important to fill our day to stop us thinking too hard.
My very dear friend D continues to give me so much support via messages and its amazing what comfort her words give me. So if you are looking in at my blog, thank you, love you loads, xxx oh and am envious of your photo gallery!!! i will have to get out and about with my camera!!! and yes i will get over to see you.
So for the next few days I'm going to be a miserable beast trying to catch up for next week!!
I'm running again Saturday morning eek!
Cant make up my mind about hair colour and if i should go red! i just think i will, that's for Monday.
Laser eye treatment Thursday, Tim keeps joking about my potential 20-20 vision returning. Goodness what if i can see what i truly look like. At the moment i look at myself in a lovely hazy blur! well that's for next week.
Our lovely young man next door came out of critical care today so we hope he gets over this hurdle quickly, it is a worry for his parents and siblings and they know that the period he remains well may be short but life is precious as we know.
Looking over at the pile of papers and cant face it after all tomorrow is another day!!!
Thursday, 10 March 2011
Monday, 7 March 2011
Day 191
I awoke to sunshine and the birds singing. Yet i remember what day it is. I wonder if my life is now going to be about remembering dates and days.
Mikey is so missed and i really do try and think about Tom as well but i feel overwhelmed by memories. Trying to remember good times and not just having the important meaningful dates.
I do so wish we still had Mikey, the time filling works for a bit. I can tell myself that I'm getting on with life, but to be honest I'm not. That's not meant to be sad or depressing it just is.
Living has no little meaning, the days pass as small milestones on a path i have found myself on and not really sure how to turn around and get on the one that's Tim's and Toms. I am just kerb crawling and i don't mean that literally!!
Still enough of that, misery hovers over me waiting to pounce and i just cant cope being in her embrace at this point. That is for another day.
Our young friend next door remains in critical care and an attempt to wake him has resulted in the need for him to be sedated again. The patch developed a fault and one of his lungs is not functioning well. I continue to hope for the best for them all.
Tim's been busy in the garden and its looking good.
Its going to snow!!! according to the forecast well there is an old saying never change a clout before May is out. Perhaps we should heed the old wives tales!!
I'm back on the road tomorrow night and hope all goes well with the knee and i need to get the application in for the marathon next year quite soon. It will be here before we know it.
Tom continues to hope for a move and will be so pleased if it happens. We are so fragmented as a family at the moment, but perhaps its just my expectations of what would be best for us all is flawed. Goodness only knows it wouldn't be the first time i got things wrong!!
I can hardly believe that i have blogged before midnight!!! that has to be a first. Maybe the the start of some early nights and early mornings! i think I'm kidding myself and this is just a blip!!
So, owards and upwards, after all tomorrow is another day....................
Mikey is so missed and i really do try and think about Tom as well but i feel overwhelmed by memories. Trying to remember good times and not just having the important meaningful dates.
I do so wish we still had Mikey, the time filling works for a bit. I can tell myself that I'm getting on with life, but to be honest I'm not. That's not meant to be sad or depressing it just is.
Living has no little meaning, the days pass as small milestones on a path i have found myself on and not really sure how to turn around and get on the one that's Tim's and Toms. I am just kerb crawling and i don't mean that literally!!
Still enough of that, misery hovers over me waiting to pounce and i just cant cope being in her embrace at this point. That is for another day.
Our young friend next door remains in critical care and an attempt to wake him has resulted in the need for him to be sedated again. The patch developed a fault and one of his lungs is not functioning well. I continue to hope for the best for them all.
Tim's been busy in the garden and its looking good.
Its going to snow!!! according to the forecast well there is an old saying never change a clout before May is out. Perhaps we should heed the old wives tales!!
I'm back on the road tomorrow night and hope all goes well with the knee and i need to get the application in for the marathon next year quite soon. It will be here before we know it.
Tom continues to hope for a move and will be so pleased if it happens. We are so fragmented as a family at the moment, but perhaps its just my expectations of what would be best for us all is flawed. Goodness only knows it wouldn't be the first time i got things wrong!!
I can hardly believe that i have blogged before midnight!!! that has to be a first. Maybe the the start of some early nights and early mornings! i think I'm kidding myself and this is just a blip!!
So, owards and upwards, after all tomorrow is another day....................
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Day 190
Well that's the week end over with!!!
Beautiful sunny day and we had a couple of walks. Spring was wearing her best hat today and was definitely showing off all her new wardrobe. What a difference a week makes.
Sad to think that a year ago this day we waved Mikey off to Newcastle to have his transplant assessment on the Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Seems unreal. In fact today i have just thought i cannot cope with the finality, so i haven't. For today i just imagined that Mikey was away and we haven't seen him for a while. That's it!! if i think like that maybe time will whizz by. It wont though will it?
What a mum does to come to terms with the loss of a child. If only. For such a very little word it has such enormous possibilities, if. Memories cant be stolen though, so that's a blessing. Memories can be lost though and that is worrying. Will someone remind us i wonder.
Well i have heard from the Breeder of pups we love and we have talked about it some more and are going to put our name down for a litter in the future. We are away in June so i think it would be better to wait until after then, Tim will have the time to spend with him, we will have to have a boy.
Work soon comes around and before we can blink it will be Friday again. When you get older time flashes past and at the moment i am glad of the. The wheel of time gains momentum the older you get.
I'm going to cycle to work this week. Gosh that sounds like a bit of a promise, it will do me good. The bonus will be that those low flying birds will not deliver there waste on the paintwork of the car. Lord only knows what they have been eating lately! Petrol and diesel cost continues to rise. What and how those who have to work outside of town will do if it gets any more expensive i don't know. What legacy are we leaving our future generations? Will it be a community who cannot travel farther than they can walk. No experience of the world, little education and no work. Sounds grim, have we had the best. Makes you think.
Well on that happy note its bed for me and , tomorrow, is another day...........
Beautiful sunny day and we had a couple of walks. Spring was wearing her best hat today and was definitely showing off all her new wardrobe. What a difference a week makes.
Sad to think that a year ago this day we waved Mikey off to Newcastle to have his transplant assessment on the Monday Tuesday and Wednesday. Seems unreal. In fact today i have just thought i cannot cope with the finality, so i haven't. For today i just imagined that Mikey was away and we haven't seen him for a while. That's it!! if i think like that maybe time will whizz by. It wont though will it?
What a mum does to come to terms with the loss of a child. If only. For such a very little word it has such enormous possibilities, if. Memories cant be stolen though, so that's a blessing. Memories can be lost though and that is worrying. Will someone remind us i wonder.
Well i have heard from the Breeder of pups we love and we have talked about it some more and are going to put our name down for a litter in the future. We are away in June so i think it would be better to wait until after then, Tim will have the time to spend with him, we will have to have a boy.
Work soon comes around and before we can blink it will be Friday again. When you get older time flashes past and at the moment i am glad of the. The wheel of time gains momentum the older you get.
I'm going to cycle to work this week. Gosh that sounds like a bit of a promise, it will do me good. The bonus will be that those low flying birds will not deliver there waste on the paintwork of the car. Lord only knows what they have been eating lately! Petrol and diesel cost continues to rise. What and how those who have to work outside of town will do if it gets any more expensive i don't know. What legacy are we leaving our future generations? Will it be a community who cannot travel farther than they can walk. No experience of the world, little education and no work. Sounds grim, have we had the best. Makes you think.
Well on that happy note its bed for me and , tomorrow, is another day...........
Saturday, 5 March 2011
Day 189
What a change in the weather again. Its bitterly cold and could really have done with wearing my gloves.
A trip to Lynn this morning and it was misty. The type of day when it feels as if the clouds have dropped slightly. Miserable to look out of the car windows. Still the trip was fruitful, for me at least.
All we are doing is passing the time. Filling the hours until bed time.
This afternoon i walked to Eastwood and looked for our plots. Found them. It was strange to look down and think that one day that is where we will be. People will walk past and perhaps recall our names. I sat on a bench and thought about all sorts of things and how can it be that at my age i am planning for the end of our lives so Tom doesn't have to worry about it. I don't think we would have done this if we hadn't lost Mikey. It is certainly me coming to terms with my mortality. It rained and then i realised i was sitting in this enormous flower garden all alone. I wasn't worried about where i was was or that everyone in the garden was no longer with us, but i began to realise that it was a dangerous place to be. There are so many odd people now living in the town. Crime rate has escalated and people are being attacked on the streets in the early part of the evening. Perhaps we should go out in twos now. That is so sad.
So i left and thought to return another day.
This evening yet again we were both looking at pups on the net. However Tim suggested i made an enquiry so i have. No response so far. I do hope we get another dog. We will have so much more to think about. Well the bikes off the discussion this week end. Never know Tims internal mercury levels keep fluctuating with the weather!!!
So its that time of the night again. Next door have been away all day. I can only assume they are at the hospital. I hope all is well.
No idea what we are going to do with the rest of the week end. Had a call from work, and i must look at rotas!!! ah well tomorrow is another day.........
A trip to Lynn this morning and it was misty. The type of day when it feels as if the clouds have dropped slightly. Miserable to look out of the car windows. Still the trip was fruitful, for me at least.
All we are doing is passing the time. Filling the hours until bed time.
This afternoon i walked to Eastwood and looked for our plots. Found them. It was strange to look down and think that one day that is where we will be. People will walk past and perhaps recall our names. I sat on a bench and thought about all sorts of things and how can it be that at my age i am planning for the end of our lives so Tom doesn't have to worry about it. I don't think we would have done this if we hadn't lost Mikey. It is certainly me coming to terms with my mortality. It rained and then i realised i was sitting in this enormous flower garden all alone. I wasn't worried about where i was was or that everyone in the garden was no longer with us, but i began to realise that it was a dangerous place to be. There are so many odd people now living in the town. Crime rate has escalated and people are being attacked on the streets in the early part of the evening. Perhaps we should go out in twos now. That is so sad.
So i left and thought to return another day.
This evening yet again we were both looking at pups on the net. However Tim suggested i made an enquiry so i have. No response so far. I do hope we get another dog. We will have so much more to think about. Well the bikes off the discussion this week end. Never know Tims internal mercury levels keep fluctuating with the weather!!!
So its that time of the night again. Next door have been away all day. I can only assume they are at the hospital. I hope all is well.
No idea what we are going to do with the rest of the week end. Had a call from work, and i must look at rotas!!! ah well tomorrow is another day.........
Friday, 4 March 2011
Day 187/188
I know i know another two days!!
Yesterday started fairly well. I went to Cambridge and after a long consultation they said i was suitable for laser treatment on my eyes. Appointment booked for laser surgery on the 17th of this month.
Well Mikey another something new!!! i am trying.
We couldn't believe the cost of car parking at Cambridge. £21 for 5 hours thank goodness we used park and ride.
Mikeys friend has lost her battle and we do feel very sad. Our next door neighbors son is now in critical care following a really bad bleed.
Both boys next door have also been unwell for several years and we have been friends since we all moved here together in 1996.
Initially we though it was a bleed from his lung but it was found to be an aortic aneurysm which ruptured. Lee has had piece of muscle taken from his throat to patch it and is now on ventilator and sedated in the hope that he will recover.
I spoke to his parents last night and we just supported each other. The question remains, why do they have to suffer so much. We don't know. His mum and dad are like us, they know that if he recovers in a few weeks it will be another infection and so it goes on. There is no hope like some people have with an illness just an inevitable end, some time. Its living with that that's so hard.
What this has done to us is remember all the times we had with Mikey and to discuss how we felt. Most of all how the time passes so quickly.
It seems five minutes since Mikey would come hope from school, get on his bike and go and play cricket. That was 12 years ago. I expect the next twelve years will go past before we know it. We will be pensioners. How scary is that. So if we want to do things it has to be now.
Today we got confirmation of Mikey and our burial plots!! its taken since August. We were told at the time the council were slow but even we didn't think it would be that long. There is room for Tom as well if he chooses to lay with us. Enclosed was a map showing our plots so this weekend i will wander down Eastwood and check it out. At least we are on the end of the row right next to the path. Lovely!!
Do i keep it clean and maintained now? i expect so so i will be off with my bits and bobs and give the plot a once over. How odd is that!!
It has been a lovely day, the sun has shone and once again we can feel spring in the air. The buds are really showing now and some even sprouted out to become little leaves!! a few more weeks and the whole landscape will be different.
The herd of highland cattle just of the bypass looked wonderful today. Their coats long, thick and red were outstanding against the green of the fields. We should take the time to stand and stare.
My sisters have been very quiet the past week or two so i must give them a ring to find out how their diets are going. Ha i bet they have lost pounds. My diet has gone west! i keep saying it but i really must get a grip because its not long now till we go to London. Yippee all being well i will not have to wear glasses.
Tim's had the day on the garden and i have to say it looks much better. I thought he may have found a sheltered spot and caught a few rays but no time for that he said!!
Work continues to be very hectic and i have this week to meet my own targets!! lets hope i can.
Tim told Tom about my eyes and he said whats next the face lift. Tim said no she cant afford it now cos of her eyes!!! I just said that's for next year!!
My hair continues to grow and i can now tuck it behind my ears! so get two elastic bands round the length at the back. Ooh may be bunches. Do they call them that now??
Its really late and i have heard next door come home, i hope all is well. To bed because Tomorrow is another day.
Yesterday started fairly well. I went to Cambridge and after a long consultation they said i was suitable for laser treatment on my eyes. Appointment booked for laser surgery on the 17th of this month.
Well Mikey another something new!!! i am trying.
We couldn't believe the cost of car parking at Cambridge. £21 for 5 hours thank goodness we used park and ride.
Mikeys friend has lost her battle and we do feel very sad. Our next door neighbors son is now in critical care following a really bad bleed.
Both boys next door have also been unwell for several years and we have been friends since we all moved here together in 1996.
Initially we though it was a bleed from his lung but it was found to be an aortic aneurysm which ruptured. Lee has had piece of muscle taken from his throat to patch it and is now on ventilator and sedated in the hope that he will recover.
I spoke to his parents last night and we just supported each other. The question remains, why do they have to suffer so much. We don't know. His mum and dad are like us, they know that if he recovers in a few weeks it will be another infection and so it goes on. There is no hope like some people have with an illness just an inevitable end, some time. Its living with that that's so hard.
What this has done to us is remember all the times we had with Mikey and to discuss how we felt. Most of all how the time passes so quickly.
It seems five minutes since Mikey would come hope from school, get on his bike and go and play cricket. That was 12 years ago. I expect the next twelve years will go past before we know it. We will be pensioners. How scary is that. So if we want to do things it has to be now.
Today we got confirmation of Mikey and our burial plots!! its taken since August. We were told at the time the council were slow but even we didn't think it would be that long. There is room for Tom as well if he chooses to lay with us. Enclosed was a map showing our plots so this weekend i will wander down Eastwood and check it out. At least we are on the end of the row right next to the path. Lovely!!
Do i keep it clean and maintained now? i expect so so i will be off with my bits and bobs and give the plot a once over. How odd is that!!
It has been a lovely day, the sun has shone and once again we can feel spring in the air. The buds are really showing now and some even sprouted out to become little leaves!! a few more weeks and the whole landscape will be different.
The herd of highland cattle just of the bypass looked wonderful today. Their coats long, thick and red were outstanding against the green of the fields. We should take the time to stand and stare.
My sisters have been very quiet the past week or two so i must give them a ring to find out how their diets are going. Ha i bet they have lost pounds. My diet has gone west! i keep saying it but i really must get a grip because its not long now till we go to London. Yippee all being well i will not have to wear glasses.
Tim's had the day on the garden and i have to say it looks much better. I thought he may have found a sheltered spot and caught a few rays but no time for that he said!!
Work continues to be very hectic and i have this week to meet my own targets!! lets hope i can.
Tim told Tom about my eyes and he said whats next the face lift. Tim said no she cant afford it now cos of her eyes!!! I just said that's for next year!!
My hair continues to grow and i can now tuck it behind my ears! so get two elastic bands round the length at the back. Ooh may be bunches. Do they call them that now??
Its really late and i have heard next door come home, i hope all is well. To bed because Tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, 2 March 2011
Day 186
That damned CF!!!!!!
I haven't got much to say today. Work has exhausted me and i have spent almost all day there. Also returned twice this evening!
Personally feel so very sad that another family is experiencing similar emotional turmoil as Tim and i. That is something i would not wish on anyone. Tim has also been affected by the news. Tom felt very sad for the young lady and said life just doesn't seem fair at all.
I read a short verse,
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal
Love leaves memories no one can steal.
I think that is true and sums up very quickly everything.
I'm off tomorrow but have sack full of work to do!!! and we are off to Cambridge. I'm going for consultation to see if i am suitable for laser eye therapy. I hope i don't get bad news. That I'm too old!!!
So an early night, tomorrow is another day........................
I haven't got much to say today. Work has exhausted me and i have spent almost all day there. Also returned twice this evening!
Personally feel so very sad that another family is experiencing similar emotional turmoil as Tim and i. That is something i would not wish on anyone. Tim has also been affected by the news. Tom felt very sad for the young lady and said life just doesn't seem fair at all.
I read a short verse,
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal
Love leaves memories no one can steal.
I think that is true and sums up very quickly everything.
I'm off tomorrow but have sack full of work to do!!! and we are off to Cambridge. I'm going for consultation to see if i am suitable for laser eye therapy. I hope i don't get bad news. That I'm too old!!!
So an early night, tomorrow is another day........................
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Day 184/185
I know, i know i have missed another day.
Yesterday i just couldn't muster a write up. I think the news of another CFer just made me pause for a while.
Tim and i have questioned the ability this group of young people have in dealing with death and living with the thought of this eventuality. Its amazing. I think one of the most important things is the close network they have of sharing their feelings with each other. After all they are the only ones who really understand each other.
As a parent we were often in denial. Even though we knew that Mikey would lose his life to CF we still had this hope that all would be well. That Mikey would receive a transplant and have a good life at some point. Even when he was so ill we still couldn't grasp that the inevitable was around the corner. We thought that Mikey was having the same problems that they would all have. How bad is that. We just couldn't see what was happening. Or we didn't want to. It was OK talking about it and it would appear that we had accepted what would happen, but they were just words with no body to them. Now we know and wish we had grasped what our eyes were seeing. Mikey was so brave, every time we asked about how he was feeling he would say he was fine. Perhaps he as the child was protecting us as the parent. I'm sure he was.
So we move on, but do we? are we just acting out what we think we should. Is this how we will live through the rest of our lives? yes i think it will be. The brain is anaethasising our emotions. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? i guess we will never know the answer to that. I will have to accept that many of our questions will remain unanswered and remain a mystery. If we can accept that truly, then i think we will manage.
So to our life as we know it now, moves ever onward.
Work has been a beast! i struggle more now than ever. I have become aware of my need to get a firm grip. This has resulted in late nights again. This must stop to enable Tim and I to have the time together. Yet i feel that i have been pushed along a road i really do not want to tread yet. I feel in some way that i haven't had time now to come to terms with my loss and yet cannot stop to get of this endless wheel of work, home, bed. Work, home be. I just don't know how to break the chain.
I suppose something will give and that will be that. Adrift on a tide going nowhere. I cant wait!!
Purpose, i need it back. I was so full of it a few weeks ago, and now i have to push myself to get on Roger. Still athletics is waiting and once i start again that will sort me out.
The blog tonight seems depressing, oh lord i do believe misery has found me yet again! Swamped in her bitter embrace and feeding her with sorrow! cant have that. But for today i will allow myself a little bit of wallowing and remember that tomorrow is another day..............
Yesterday i just couldn't muster a write up. I think the news of another CFer just made me pause for a while.
Tim and i have questioned the ability this group of young people have in dealing with death and living with the thought of this eventuality. Its amazing. I think one of the most important things is the close network they have of sharing their feelings with each other. After all they are the only ones who really understand each other.
As a parent we were often in denial. Even though we knew that Mikey would lose his life to CF we still had this hope that all would be well. That Mikey would receive a transplant and have a good life at some point. Even when he was so ill we still couldn't grasp that the inevitable was around the corner. We thought that Mikey was having the same problems that they would all have. How bad is that. We just couldn't see what was happening. Or we didn't want to. It was OK talking about it and it would appear that we had accepted what would happen, but they were just words with no body to them. Now we know and wish we had grasped what our eyes were seeing. Mikey was so brave, every time we asked about how he was feeling he would say he was fine. Perhaps he as the child was protecting us as the parent. I'm sure he was.
So we move on, but do we? are we just acting out what we think we should. Is this how we will live through the rest of our lives? yes i think it will be. The brain is anaethasising our emotions. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? i guess we will never know the answer to that. I will have to accept that many of our questions will remain unanswered and remain a mystery. If we can accept that truly, then i think we will manage.
So to our life as we know it now, moves ever onward.
Work has been a beast! i struggle more now than ever. I have become aware of my need to get a firm grip. This has resulted in late nights again. This must stop to enable Tim and I to have the time together. Yet i feel that i have been pushed along a road i really do not want to tread yet. I feel in some way that i haven't had time now to come to terms with my loss and yet cannot stop to get of this endless wheel of work, home, bed. Work, home be. I just don't know how to break the chain.
I suppose something will give and that will be that. Adrift on a tide going nowhere. I cant wait!!
Purpose, i need it back. I was so full of it a few weeks ago, and now i have to push myself to get on Roger. Still athletics is waiting and once i start again that will sort me out.
The blog tonight seems depressing, oh lord i do believe misery has found me yet again! Swamped in her bitter embrace and feeding her with sorrow! cant have that. But for today i will allow myself a little bit of wallowing and remember that tomorrow is another day..............
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