Day 184/185

I know, i know i have missed another day.
Yesterday i just couldn't muster a write up. I think the news of another CFer just made me pause for a while.

Tim and i have questioned the ability this group of young people have in dealing with death and living with the thought of this eventuality. Its amazing. I think one of the most important things is the close network they have of sharing their feelings with each other. After all they are the only ones who really understand each other.
As a parent we were often in denial. Even though we knew that Mikey would lose his life to CF we still had this hope that all would be well. That Mikey would receive a transplant and have a good life at some point. Even when he was so ill we still couldn't grasp that the inevitable was around the corner. We thought that Mikey was having the same problems that they would all have. How bad is that. We just couldn't see what was happening. Or we didn't want to. It was OK talking about it and it would appear that we had accepted what would happen, but they were just words with no body to them. Now we know and wish we had grasped what our eyes were seeing. Mikey was so brave, every time we asked about how he was feeling he would say he was fine. Perhaps he as the child was protecting us as the parent. I'm sure he was.

So we move on, but do we? are we just acting out what we think we should. Is this how we will live through the rest of our lives? yes i think it will be. The brain is anaethasising our emotions. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? i guess we will never know the answer to that. I will have to accept that many of our questions will remain unanswered and remain a mystery. If we can accept that truly, then i think we will manage.

So to our life as we know it now, moves ever onward.

Work has been a beast! i struggle more now than ever. I have become aware of my need to get a firm grip. This has resulted in late nights again. This must stop to enable Tim and I to have the time together. Yet i feel that i have been pushed along a road i really do not want to tread yet. I feel in some way that i haven't had time now to come to terms with my loss and yet cannot stop to get of this endless wheel of work, home, bed. Work, home be. I just don't know how to break the chain.
I suppose something will give and that will be that. Adrift on a tide going nowhere. I cant wait!!

Purpose, i need it back. I was so full of it a few weeks ago, and now i have to push myself to get on Roger. Still athletics is waiting and once i start again that will sort me out.

The blog tonight seems depressing, oh lord i do believe misery has found me yet again!  Swamped in her bitter embrace and feeding her with sorrow! cant have that. But for today i will allow myself a little bit of wallowing and remember that tomorrow is another day..............