Day 210

Its been a hard day today. Maybe its the change in the weather, i don't know.

I have ploughed through today dragging myself up to the end of the day. Waiting for bed but when the time comes, cant sleep anyway.

I am lucky that my friends have not forsaken me. The messages they leave are an inspiration to me to keep going. Lord knows sometimes it would be so easy to crawl under a stone and stay there. That's an easy way out. Why should i be so damned miserable when i have so much going for me. I cant answer that either. I do know that i am not the person i was.

Tim bless him keeps trying and i sometimes wish he wouldn't. Then i would resent it if he didn't. Its a no win situation for him really.

I do think that a mothers love is so different. When my parents died i felt none of the emotions that i have now. When i lost my brother when he was 47 i didn't feel like i do now. I have given it some thought. We grow up having parents in our life from our earliest memories. They are always there for you even when you don't want them to be. Always on the edge of what we are doing. When we meet someone we want to be with our parents get put to the back of our minds, but always there.

The love we have for our partners is something else, this is the person we chose to be with and love. A painful experience and yet so beautiful.
We have children to demonstrate our love for each other, we create a human being. We as mothers nurture their growth, we would fight to the death for them, they are without doubt a part of us and so when we lose our child we lose part of who we are.
It doesn't matter how much we search, that part so very special and unique is lost for ever.

I wish i was a time traveller............ and what would i do. Knowing what i know now?

Ifs, buts and maybes forethought and afterthoughts are wonderful things and our most powerful tormentors.

On that note to bed, tomorrow is another day.................