Day 205/206/207

Another blasted 3 days!!
I was attempting to blog on Monday evening. I had the night planned which included packing for the next morning. It was to be an early start and then the long drive to Oxford.
I regress, back to Monday.

The start of the day didn't go as planned! what i thought i would be able to do went out of the window when i had to go off to a hospital to do an assessment! That takes up so much of the day with travelling parking!! still always get a space in the sexually transmitted disease clinic car park! I'm not proud, its better than the wretched multi storey they have. I'm no good at those. The walk to the main hospital is a bit of a trek though but i really don't mind that.
Anyway back to work and its all just rush, rush, rush. Home about 6 and then got called in later in the evening because of some ambulance crew being difficult. The joys of management!
By the time i got back showered and packed etc it was too late to blog especially as i have real problems getting up in the mornings, um i wonder why.

Picked up early and off to Oxford! Get to the hotel where conference is and handed our bags over because of an over booking error made by the hotel we were supposed to stay in some of us had to go to another hotel. So that was not so good as we wouldn't have the time the others had to get ready and socialise.
We were then put on tables with people we didn't know for the whole day.

Lunch well , by the time we got to the salad counter there was no salad left! just a bit of tomato, some tuna and some cold processed sliced meat. So it was a jacket potato (hard) and tuna, still i thought we have our evening meal to look forward to.
On top of that our guest speaker was Nick Hewitt from The Apprentice. He was fab and he was so amusing. Gave a good insight into the apprentice and Alan Sugar and some of the contestants. He was staying to chat and mingle and let us have pics with him. We who had to move, had to get the mini bus so couldn't do that Grrrrrr. This was now 1700hrs. The evening entertainment was for 1900-1930pm and meal for 1945pm.

So we get in the mini bus 7 of us and there were 3 mini buses in total! we were then told that we were being picked up at 1815hrs!! and we were told the hotel was only 10 Min's away. Well that was a big mistake!!!
15 Min's later and still no sign of the hotel we decided we just couldn't be ready by the time they said. So after a call to my boss we agreed a time we could be ready and would tell the driver when we reached our destination. Almost to Aylsbury we arrived at 1735! and said no way could we be ready for 1815hrs but we would be ready at 1845hrs.
Finding our rooms, and yep not on ground floor and at the end of the furthest corridor from reception we found our bags in our rooms. As we had been unable to access our rooms at lunch time and hang our clothes up, they now needed pressing. So it was make a drink, run a bath and get an iron all at the same time. The water wasn't hot and the lighting was so poor you couldn't see a bloody thing!!! 4* hotel!!!!

Pick up for return journey!! we were told there would be buses running at the time we wanted from after the meal to midnight! Nope the bus would be there at midnight. Now you can imagine we were feeling pretty weary by now. Having to get up at 5 and travel to Oxford then not getting picked up till midnight and having to travel back to the hotel THEN we were told we would be picked up at 0715 the next morning!!!
We couldn't get breakfast till 0700hrs at the earliest. and the second day wouldn't start till 0915 re just refused!!!

We arrived back at the first hotel and i couldn't remember if i had put my knickers on in the hurry to get ready!! a quick trip to the ladies was very reassuring! all the others were already socialising and then, then came the evening entertainment. Murder mystery by some actors!! this was going on all through the meal and we had to guess who did it!

So here we were and this scene being played out whilst we ate, being told to be quiet to enable us to hear the players wasn't what we expected. Oh and yet again sitting with another group of people we didn't know!
The long awaited meal! Soup luke warm and wasn't nice so couldn't eat it.

The next course arrived about 2045hrs and it really was awful i ended up eating two pieces of broccoli. The beef was so fatty i though it was a crumble mix on the top! some sent theirs back i just left mine.
I thought the dessert would be promising, crumble. We waited so long that coffee was served and we ate the after dinner mints first, we really thought they had forgotten. Anyway along came the crumble and a spoonful of cream. I was sitting next to the H&S rep who informed me there was a hair in my cream!!! i didn't see it initially because of my eyes! Well that was that so i asked for an apple. I had to eat something. A red apple arrived. I cut it in two and lo and be hold it was bad in the middle. I gave up. The table were laughing at my misfortune. I did make some new friends as a result of the night though!!

We then had to decide who had murdered who! well we didn't have a clue, we couldn't hear most of what was occurring and we didn't really care either!
By now all i wanted was to go back to bed!! So we went for our mini bus and told it would be midnight. No way so we did eventually get one for 2245hrs but by the time we got back it was almost 2330. We decided to get a coffee and chat for a while outside. It was the only time we as colleagues had had time to mix with each other.

Mini bus was arranged somewhat reluctantly for 0845 hrs.

Up and had a good breakfast, we had already decided that we would not be staying on after the meeting for our lunch!! after the previous day we didn't think we would be missing much!!

Went to reception and just managed to get a lift. The mini bus was about to depart because they thought everyone was gone! Absolutely cream crackered by now.

Anyway we had a good ride home and Tim came and collected me from Tesco at Huntingdon.

Had a cup of tea and then went for McDonald's. And the bloody meal was luke warm, I gave up!! and had a bar of chocolate. Home and fell asleep! and unpacked and here i sit!!

Work in the morning, check up for my eyes at Cambridge in the afternoon. Toms coming home and I'm on leave on Friday so will have time with Tom Yippee.

Had a weep tonight because of all things a pair of shoes set me of. I wore them for Mikeys funeral and then i got thinking of the ones in the wardrobe i wore for his wedding. I struggled to hold back and the savage attack of grief was so overwhelming, it caught me unawares. I need to be alert for misery, she just doesn't let go once she has you in her clutches, she is forever waiting and ready to take advantage.

Ah well tomorrow is another day..................

Day 204

The eyes are getting better and at least i am managing to get the drops in now. The past few days its been taking a shot missing and trying again! i think i have cracked it now!

Windy and overcast this morning but the day calmed and we went for a walk. The birds were singing. A cacophany of sound. A mix of Crows, sparrows ans doves.

The sun cameout later and we went for our second walk of the day 6 miles!! armed with camera i hoped to manage my new camera. The past couple of days i was using the digital one where i could see the view on the screen. Last night i tried the eye piece of my new camera and coped ok so i thought just maybe i would capture that elusive shot!

Well i think out of the many i took one was what i wanted. I will try and down load them tomorrow night.

A phone call from my friend had me going into work. Her sister had died aged 36. There is so much tradegdy at the moment. It seems this year has started off where the last year ended! The sad thing is her sister and family are on the other side of the world. It must be so hard for her. Tomorrow she is setting off for home, alone. Gosh i wish i could arrange someone to go with her. It is not like here where you can get a bus or taxi. Its arranging a flight and trying to get one thats the problem. What a terrible thing to do on your own.
  I could offer only words. I know that isnt enough but having lost Mikey i realise that what ever i say will be cold comfort. The decision she had to make will haunt her but eventually she will come to terms with that, but she doesnt need to hear that now. Just letting her know i am here and allowing her to do whats right for her is as much as i can do. I care deeply for her and her loss and she will also know that with out words. Sometimes the less you say has the most effect.

It is at times like this that you can see how far i have come on the road to healing, mind you if someone said that to me i would probably disagree. Its all about making your own decisions and acceptance, not other peoples views. I guess thats where problems lay and where misunderstandings occur.

Tom phoned today, he continues to offer us comfort by asking for our help and advice. It doesnt mean he will take it though! We have been blessed with two wonderful sons. Both so different i just wish i had them both here now. Mikey remains always in our thoughts, in what we do and where we go. The seasons bring with it memories of happier days and for that i am so grateful.

I think the one thing that gives us solace is that we did our best. Some people would say perhaps not enough, but my greatest gift ever was to produce and raise a son that was loved as much as Mikey, knowing that the man he became was a result of how we bought him up.

The boys looks came from their Dad, thank goodness, we were blessed to have such hansome sons. Im a mum and i would say that!!

Tom continues to be a worry and i so hope he finds happiness. I pray for that!!!

Well im preparing for the two days in Oxfors but hate leaving Tim on his own, i worry about him. What a to do, still im sure he will cope.

Toms hoping to come down for a day at the weekend, it will be wonderful to see him. Tim and Tom will no doubt be talking cars! and the Grand Prix season, nothing new there then!

Im going to try and put a picture on of the wonder cliffs at Hunstanton. They talk about Dover but i think these on the Norfolk coast are outstanding.

Wonderful dont you think.

Well i better get those drops in and then to bed because tomorrow is another day.

Day 201/202/203

Yeah, yeah, yeah OK so i said i wouldn't leave it 3 days to blog again but having had the eyes done i found it a little hard to see!

So here i am and sitting in a pair of lovely blue and black reading glasses. Sounds odd but then the last 3 days have been weird to say the least. My shopping trips have had some very bizarre results too.

Anyway got to clinic on time!! park and ride. Tim decided to stay with me thank goodness.
Called in to re do scans and they were fine. Next see surgeon and was then to wait for a slot.
Surgeon very nice and once discussed my job had me in straight away!! no hesitation. Procedure wasn't bad really, i did as i was told. Now that's a first but i didn't think i was in a position to argue.
Taken back out to Tim who thought i had only seen the surgeon then realised i had been zapped. So i was given drops for almost everything to take home and the goggles. Return next morning for check up.

Soon as i hit outside the eyes watered, no that's not true they streamed!! and i couldn't bear the light sensitivity. There i was hanging onto Tim with my eyes shut walking through Cambridge. No mean feat!! I was wearing Tim's sun glasses, cos mine were prescription ones!! another pair of glasses to buy after all.
Riding on the bus was a dead give away to the other passengers! i think it was the designer carrier with eye drops in that gave the game away!!!

Home to sleep and by the late evening i could see really well although a bit blurred but i could see quite well in the dark.

Next morning eyes were good apart from the fact close up was really hazy and i couldn't see my watch or the face on my mobile!! i thought that would clear.
Gets on the bus and i couldn't tell what coin was what!! so i asked the driver to help himself, Tim looked on in despair and headed for the back of the bus! At least the eyes were not watering very much and the light didn't hurt my eyes now.
Got the all clear and carry on with drops and come back next week, oh and i passed the test that said i could drive!! my word. The eye sight was dramatic in the way in which i could now see. We did a bit of sight seeing, had a meal which i couldn't see very well still blurry and looked everywhere for a dress. Now that was a problem!!

I saw the dress straight away but it was the wrong size. I moaned all morning and into the afternoon because once you have your heart set on something that's it. You know what you want and nothing else will do.
Tim insisted we go back, not much point really it was a size 8. Anyway Tim in desperation picked 3 dresses looking at the sizes but he didn't have his glasses either. It included the size 8. There was no way i was getting into that but to keep him happy i dragged it into the changing room. To my utter amazement it fitted!!!! Clutching it to my chest i went to the counter. Size 12 madam said the assistant. I must have looked shocked because she again said just checking you wanted a 12. Bloody eyes i couldn't even see what the label said! When i told Tim he said i told you it looked as if it would fit!
So i went home very happy!!!

Later in the evening i said i would give the night vision a try. They also corrected this during the treatment. Well it was fantastic!! the car lights now look like little sparklers, no glare and i can see the roads!! i could have stayed out for ages.

Today we went to the coast and stopped off at Lynn to get me some reading glasses and a top to go with the dress. Still wearing sunglasses as i have to wear them for a week, i found the perfect thing and in the right colour, a purply pink. I look good in that colour. Struggled with the reading glasses. I had to wear a pair of the display to find the right size!!! i gave up with the sun glasses. Tim stayed in the car.

On the way home we saw a man knocked off his bike and i could see everything from a distance. That made us a little sad, someones relative would be given bad news today.

Got home and showed Tim my top. Not like you to buy pink he says. To my horror when i took the sunglasses off i had got bright pink!! So back to town, luckily we had same shop to change it. Glasses off briefly spotted the colour i wanted, not in my size!!! so i bought red! no logic is there.

Tonight the moon was super sized. I struggled with camera lights in the garden, so Tim bless him said i will take you out where there are no lights. He did!! the middle of the Fen. So out i get, or so i thought i was still strapped in the car!. Then i couldn't see how to work the camera! had to find some glasses Tim kept i glove box. Then Tim shut me out of the car! the long grass rustles and i was back in the car as the shutter went on the camera!!
What a few days!!

Anyway i have blogged now and tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 200

I really am struggling. The amount of effort its taking just to drag myself through the days are taking there toll.
I know that from some of the comments i have been having.

One example springs swiftly to mind. I went to assess one of our residents in the hospital. on arrival i introduced myself and said i was here to see Mr........... One very observant nurse who sadly only heard the last part of the conversation said oh you have come to see your husband!! Now this lovely man is in his 80's. So not feeling very charitable after hearing that remark asked  'do i look old enough to be his wife' gee i know i look rough some days but surely not that bad!!! face lift looks very appealing. I may have said this once this week but there you go, memory failing too.

So a short blog tonight. I will not be able to blog tomorrow because of the eye surgery, but thanks everyone for your messages and big hug to D who loves me!!!!!! what a friend.

I'm also worried about a beautiful lady called S who is unwell at the moment. I know she is a strong person and i have to say very fit!!!!!! sadly doesn't know her left from her right. Cant wait to hear how her next exercise class goes.

Work continues to be a big rollercoaster ride. I can feel the momentum gathering from the morning and until i leave the building. No respite at all and so much to do. Still can see a small chink of daylight.
The work pressure is taking me away from the things that matter at home and i do feel that i am being robbed of some quiet time to reflect and indeed to think about Mikey. I want to get his photos loaded into albums and i have my snaps to get on as well. I miss reading my books and i just have no time. I know that i swim and run now in the evenings so maybe that's what is cutting my days down. Well the summer is coming and the days are lengthening. The evenings are getting lighter.

I am not a brave person so i am now realising that tomorrow i am having eye surgery. What have i agreed to. I cant really beleive i actually went and had the consultation and then agreed to treatment!!! Still it wont last long, i keep telling myself that. What a baby i am considering all Mikey went through. So Sue just stop whittling on and get a grip!! OK but Mikey told us to do something new every month, i think this is a tad extreme!! ah well best get some rest, apparently i will be sleeping in goggles for a few nights! That's all i need i can only think i will resemble one of those cooks on a motorbike, um two fat ladies!!  Ah well tomorrow is another day.........................

Day 197/198/199

My word its been like pulling teeth trying to find the time to blog!
So i now have three days to write about.
Its really so i can at some point look back and see if i have managed to move forward with my life or if i am stuck in some horrible limbo.

Well anger seems to be the word of the past three days. Gosh no wonder i have wrinkles!!! I must send for some instant face lift stuff off the net!! maybe that will raise a smile! anything at the moment would be better than the frowns and disapproving looks I'm getting at the moment.

OK so i made the mistake with the diesel, but things got worse when Tim spotted a puddle on the kitchen floor on Sunday night. I had left the freezer door ajar when i came home in the AA van on Friday night and in my hurry to put groceries away left the door open

One freezer of food gone to waste. Eek, i tried to dive for cover and crawl back to the dog house which did suddenly look very appealing! nope the gate was slammed shut and i had to face the music!!

Why me, well i said my lottery win will go towards the cost, ha all £10 sadly Tim didn't see the funny side of that comment either!

Well i got to run on Sunday morning and it went well. The programme i have at the moment will, i hope help ease me into running gently without causing more damage. It seems OK and holding up. Just a bit of a twinge.
Managed to persuade Tim to go for ride to Graffam waters for a walk and it was OK had better days out!! but it passed some time. Things were picking up till the freezer business!!

Work really is a beast at the moment and i am spending hours at home in the evening trying to catch up. I did say i wouldn't do this anymore but i cant seem to follow my own advice. Still i think i have cracked one task only another hundred to go!! So damn stressful and tiring. Getting too old for all the pressures maybe.

The girls want to go to Country living exhibition but i cant go, I'm in Oxford for a few days that week and it really wouldn't be fair to Tim. Still its the Ritz in a few weeks time.

Had my hair coloured red! not 100 % sure about it but it will grow on me,(excuse the pun)  Tim said he prefers it short and blonde but its a change i think.

Today i had to finish on time for run tonight. Still managed to get caught behind! so it was swift cup of tea and out. Managed to keep to programme. My running partner makes me laugh so much that i am not sure how i will manage a longer run. Tenna ladies spring to mind!
A walk again tonight with Tim and sadly a bag of chips whilst out walking!! i know i have no will power at all! At this rate i will gain pounds not lose them.

The weather looks set to be fine at the weekend so hoping i can get out with my camera! i did take some snaps of the fuel change at the week end!! the AA man looked a little surprised when out comes this wonderful piece of equipment and me snapping away. I will try to get them on the computer this week end.

Well its swimming tomorrow night, football on TV so that's Tim fixed and then Thursday its eye treatment so i wont be able to blog Thursday but Friday i hope to see clearly again!

Friday I'm on leave and hopefully after eye check up we will have day out!

So I'm going to check my messages and try to answer them and then to bed and tomorrow is another day...

Dat 196

Another bad day!!! I have spent the whole day in the dog house and received the silent treatment.

The man came this morning and drained the whole system in the car, what a waste really cos he took all the new fuel out that i put in last night!!! so the 21 litres of fuel i put in last night instead of £30 cost me £300. I know its a lot of money, but that's all it is at the end of the day. No one is hurt, the car not damaged just a costly experience.

Men, or is it just my man who thinks he is so perfect that mistakes just do not happen!!
My word my patience has been sorely tried today. By this evening i just had to get out and have some time to myself. Now that's strange considering Tim has not spoken all day.
However its best to be alone in silence than being in silent company!!!!

Look i made an error, so what, is it worth all this aggravation. I don't think so. Be mad and then get over it. The trouble is the longer it goes on the harder it is to get back onto an even keel again. at this moment in time not sure if i can rustle up the effort required.

I just don't understand it. After all we have been through the past few months and still coping with, surely this is a minor detail in the grand scheme of things. Obviously to Tim its a major catastrophe.

Perhaps it is just me, but i cant see what all the drama is about.

So my week end has been spoilt, yes perhaps initially by my stupidity but Tim has to take some responsibility, he wont though.

Tom phoned bless him and tried to Cheer me up. He was laughing and asked if Dad was still awkward! he knows him well. Tom said its easily done and anyone can make the same mistake, he did try to tell his dad that but to no avail!!

The bungalow was in darkness when i came home so i can sit here and blog to my hearts content!!! trouble is it isn't. Oh well,i am not going to worry about it.

I can feel myself getting cross about the waste of precious time, best not go down that route or i will be here all night.

This blog really is my solace. I can get everything off my chest. Maybe if i come back to this page in months ahead i will laugh. Maybe!

Linda's at Crufts looking at some smaller dogs to breed, shame we didn't have a man show and breed all the traits we as women want in a man. I wonder what they would be like?
Theres a thought. Well in off to bed I'm up early in the morning for a run.

I am going to put all thoughts of today at the back of my mind have a good read in the spare room!!! and see what the morning brings after all tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 195

I should have known what the day would be like really. Why oh why couldn't i have had the sense to recognise the warning signs.

I was woken by Tim this morning to come and watch the T.V. The news was on and was showing the earthquake in Japan and the devastation caused by the following Tsunami. The next item on the T.V was the story of the young lady with C.F and her blog. It was very moving and upsetting. Tim had to leave and went outside.

Work and visit to the hospital and i was there for 2 hours, and could not believe how things are now and what is being missed. Very upsetting and made me wonder about nurse training today. It does seem that the wretched computer has taken over as being more important than basic care and observations.

That was my morning gone with travelling etc.

Afternoon just got worse! and still cannot keep up, still had the though of the run in the morning to keep me going.

Went to shop tonight and decided to fill the car up, Tim always keeps telling me not to leave it empty. Rush, rush, rush. Got out to fill the car and the pump had been padlocked. Drove round the other side , filled the car and as putting the nossel back realised i had filled up with the wrong fuel!!! and it was petrol to diesel. I remembered not to start the car!!

A call to the AA and they had to tow me home and arrange to have tank drained in the morning. Phoned Tim whilst i waited.

Oh dear not a happy bunny. I hadn't told him the cost at that point. Must be the most expensive litre of fuel going. I had also filled it up!

Phone call to my running partner, early run off as i have to sort the car. Luckily we have rearranged for Sunday morning.

So i am well and truly in the dog house.
Mikey would have said has anyone died, no? OK, so whats the problem its not the end of the world. Sort it.
He must take after me!!!!

Still Tim still miserable and gone to bed!!

Of course i realise how stupid it was, but accidents do happen, don't they? 

So of course i am feeling very sorry for myself right now but hey ho tomorrow is another day!