Day 225

Oh what a day!

The sun was out and another grand day. Tim got the chairs out in the garden.

Yesterday my foot was really swollen and my back was dreadful! i couldn't believe that i was going to go back again. I was due to run again Saturday afternoon. It was so hot but off i went and managed my 8 lampposts, just! I just thought that if i didn't go it would be so easy not to go another day and so on and before i would know it i wasn't on target for the marathon.

Tim knew i was trying and he even took me out for a ride to take some pictures, i got a lovely picture of a cormorant in one of the fenland ditches. i will try to put that on tomorrow!
Today i have spent with ice packs on my ankle and its still swollen!

I have also taken the bull by the horns and joined weight watchers on line! I made Tim take some pictures of me so i can tell the difference. I'm sure losing some weight will help with all my aches and pains!!

I counted my points tonight and was horrified! so we start in earnest tomorrow!

This time last year Mikey had a collapsed lung and was feeling really low, i have been reading my notes from last year and April was bad for him. I know that the first few months of the year had been bad and i guess they just continued in a downward spiral.

It will be 8 months on the 12th since we lost him and there is not a day goes past that he isn't in our thoughts. Our loss is felt as keenly now as then, we have just got better in disguising it when talking to other people.

We also paid for our holiday yesterday and now that final! June will soon be upon us.

Tom goes on his holiday next week and Tim is going up to do some gardening for him. That will help take his mind off things for a while. Mikeys birthday is fast approaching and that's going to be so hard for us.
The weather now reminds me of the time just before Mikey was born, it was so hot! unlike Tom who was born in November.

I'm going to put a couple of pictures on now of our day at London

                                         Joy choosing her tea selection

                                               Joy, me, Jennie and Linda at the Ritz.

I will try to post some more over the next few days but for now, tomorrow is another day.........
                

Day 223/224

Oh my goodness what a day we had in London.

Mikey would have been so surprised at what i did! i even surprised myself. Mikey was right to suggest we do something different every month and it has made me realise more than ever what quiet lives we lead!
Still about my day. Firstly i was too tired to blog last night. I was in bed and asleep by 2130hrs. Cant ever remember the last time that happened, well maybe it was last year when i was in hospital after tripping over and breaking my wrist!

Well i was waiting for Jen at the appointed time only for her to be 20 minutes late! Just got to the station in time. Lucky for us because Lin was on the train from Downham and she had our tickets! Joy and Hamish were on the platform ringing us to see where we were, just got under the pass and the train came in. How close was that!

Ride down went very quickly and we got to Kings Cross then the tube. Gee those escalators are steep, and i had to be told constantly by the girls to stand on the right! The sun was blazing down and we had 30mins to wait before going into the Ritz so we sat in the park. My word you see things you would never see in March. I was busy taking some photos when the man ran past completely dressed in a blue Lycra body suit, not a scrap of skin to be seen, including his head and face! and then commenced doing cartwheels! Well we just looked at each other and laughed because when we turned round there was another chap dressed exactly the same but in green. I couldn't help but look at the lower regions, my word!!!  By the time we had finished gawping we only had a few minutes before we were due in the Ritz.

What a shame that those wretched marchers had damaged all the windows of the hotel because it was boarded up! and we had to use another entrance. Still it was lovely feeling to walk into such splendour.
What a treat to be waited on and be seated, felt quite a lady! The tea was splendid, tiny sandwiches, scones and pastries and the tea , i had lemon verbena and it was so different! all in silver pots!
Listening to the pianist at the Grand Piano gave a final touch to the meal until the birthday music was played and they bought Jen a birthday cake! They then came to the table and asked if she would like it boxed to take home which she did! Lots of photos taken and i will upload later this week.

Following the Ritz we headed of to Fortnum and Masons for a brouse. The noise was incredible in the streets. Linda and i said we couldn't live with it. The buildings just loomed down on you making us feel incredibly small and insignificant, and the people, they were in such a hurry, bit of a culture shock. I think it may have been because inside thew hotel it was as if we were in a different world and then reality hit! How on earth we managed to cross the roads was a miracle in itself! Made a purchase in F and M! just to get a bag, oh the men serving had tails on, what spoilt the image was the bit of white tissue stuck to a bristle under his nose! but none of us had the nerve to tell him.
It was so hot in the building and the lifts were just a tad antiquated but added to the whole experience.

Next to Westminster, tube again!! and came up facing Big Ben and the house of Parliament. How majestic the sight was. We had said we would go on a river cruise. It was incredible that we just walked a few steps and there were the boats and manged to get the last trip to the Tower. We didn't wait or have to queue our timing was perfect.
Well what another experience. The sun was still out and we shed our coats. I had already changed my clothes and shoes in the loos in the underground. I couldn't believe they charged 50p for going to the toilet!  I must have taken hundreds of snaps, traitors gate! although it had been bricked up i did wonder if the river was higher now that then because what was left exposed wouldn't have taken a boat of any size.  The Thames is so big! i cant say i had ever noticed that before when i had been to London but then apart from going to the Tower and the waxworks all other visits had been to hospitals! St Thomas's, University College Hospital, Great Ormond Street.
It also made me realise how far i have got to run if i get a place in the Marathon!

We had decided to go to the Eye which was just across the bridge. We did have to queue for tickets. We were checked before we got on the eye, handbags checked and a metal detector run over our bodies before we were allowed to board! what i didn't realise was that the damn thing never stopped you had to get on and off whilst it was still moving. What an incredible view, St James Park, Buckingham Place, St Paul's, House of Parliament and Big Ben. We actually were looking down on all of those! the boats looked like dinky toys and i was so surprised by the volume of traffic that used the river. The pod was so hot! Jen, Lin and Joy were all seated and i was still glued to the glass looking out and absorbing as much as i could!

We decided to head for the station to catch the 1815 train home so it was back on the tubes, it was rather busy!! Linda was swinging about like a pole dancer and when we said so it caused quite a bit of hilarity especially as Lin isn't a petite size!! We were squeezed in so tight on the Piccadilly line. I wasn't a bit fazed by going from tube station to tube station and i was able to take the lead at one point. Jen had been the one heading of at a tangent and all of us were left in her wake!! What a girl.

By the time i got home , the feet were swollen and aching, but not as bad as the girls! ha they wished they had taken a change of footwear too.

Well i will carry on with this later because I'm still tired and i went for a run today! Lots of pics to add on and today's happenings but it can wait because tomorrow is another day................

Day 222

Its the Ritz tomorrow so i have been trying on my dresses. It looks as if it will be the one that's a little snug! i have put a change of clothes in my bag!!! no way am i going to walk around London all day in a little black dress!

Today has been lovely again and i just hope it lasts for tomorrow! who knows it could snow at this time of the year, it has been known to before now. There is an old saying never change a clout before May is out. That has been true in the past, so we need to make the most of the glorious April sunshine.

Running tonight and i managed to stay in the running position all night. Little lad from the juniors fell off the kerb tonight he was running in front of us. So we stopped dusted him down and discovered his shoe lace was undone. He said he couldn't tie his laces very well. We double knotted them for him! gave him a tissue for his grazed knee ( lucky i had a clean one in my pocket!) up he jumped and away he went sprinting at a pace that put us to shame!!! It was easier tonight.
Weighed myself and still not lost a bean, my sister said it must be muscle! i don't think so looking at my reflection side ways. Always a mistake, someone came in the night and must have switched bodies and left me with the one i have now!

Tom rang and he may have some good news for us. We are keeping our fingers crossed that all will be well.

Tom may go and have a round of golf tomorrow, i do hope so, i wont feel so guilty about going away for the day.
I wonder what Mikey would think of me going, I'm sure he would be saying its about time you did something!!
Well i better get to bet as i have to get up early. All in all i do feel more positive today but i know only to well that tomorrow is another day................

Day 221

I'm going to try and make this a positive blog tonight, yeah who am i trying to kid!!

So the day started out nice and sunny and got hotter during the day. It was such a glorious day that reminded me summer is just around the corner. The sky was blue and there were a whisper of clouds. All seemed well in the world!

I went to town in my lunch break and bought a handbag big enough to carry my camera and a pair of sandals on Friday. I keep looking at the two dresses i have to chose from for Friday. I know there isn't much room to breathe let alone walk in one, goodness can i lose half a stone by the day after tomorrow? no i didn't think so but the other just about shows every lump and bump. I'm not going to worry about it, after all who really cares!

So today and work, i have had a thought about that tonight. Why do we continually beat ourselves up with a stick? its because we care about our job, its because unemployment is at its highest and its a mean world out there regarding jobs, dog eat dog! and everyone is after the one you have!! so we work hard, we do more than we should, we work longer than we should because we really cant afford to lose the job we have!! Our bosses increase our work loads, we have to cope with the stream lining, then manage the staff who have had hours reduced, that as well as the day to day things, which sadly get further and further down the priority list until it comes and bites you!
We really don't have time to "sit and stare" and we should. Life is so very precious and I'm not getting any younger. Tonight Tim said one day i will come to the door and he will ask who i am! yes its that bad.
I used to have really good time management skills, now they have gone to pot!
I was always used to multi tasking and schedules. Planning was essential when Mikey was smaller how the hell did i manage! caring for him, doing I.V's hospital appointments, open uni courses, caring for the home and working night duty. Tim was working as well then so it was housework cooking etc, taking Tom to rugby, swimming etc Mikey to cubs and all his play practices. Mikey volunteering my services at school. God i can remember making all the rat costumes one year!!!! School outings as a helper, going on a Victorian day trip to Sacrewell and having to be a pupil in there Victorian class. I got off laughing and was removed from the class, i do believe i have some photos somewhere i will have to put them on here. It got worse when we went outside to exercise. On top of that we were all given Victorian names and mine was Ethel!! oh and the riding!!! i am afraid of horses but Mikey said my mum will help!!! every Friday!  Tom enlisted me in the woodwork class to help, um that wasn't such a success, and the rounders evenings after school was a nightmare!
Mind you i was 7 stone and fit as a butchers dog then!!!

Now I'm older, and more weary yet I'm swimming twice a week and running twice week, badly at both but I'm making an effort!
I'm wondering if that car will be about tomorrow! i expect the driver will be looking for a sequel to last nights trip!!! well I'm going to run on the path ! that should do the trick i hope!

Well i must go and get that handbag out of the car now Tim's asleep! i will just tell him I've had it in the wardrobe ages and never used it if he notices it!!! I'm sure I'm not the only woman who has done something similar!
Its off to Newmarket tomorrow for a meeting! another day out of the office = more work to catch up on, Ah well Tomorrow is another day.................

Day 220

Ye gods I'm feeling my age today.
Got called in early this morning and at work till 2am! the joys of management.

Back in this morning early and really wished i hadn't. Just found more work to do. So busy i had first cup of coffee about 3pm! feeling rather unwell by then, still hoped to finish on time but yet again foiled! by the time i got in it was 545 and had to leave to go running at 6.15pm! quick cup of tea and out again.

Tonight another milestone. 8 lam posts lenghts, my word i felt those. The first set was harder than the last although saying that there i was merrily running on the road and a car was coming. I went to get onto the path and goodness only knows what happened because i went flying!
i cant believe that i managed to stay off the ground. Notice i didn't say upright but my hand went out to stop me and i remembered the break last year so i was determined not to fall. I sort of hovered over the path in a crouch like stance but kept the momentum going! What i must have looked like from behind lord only knows but i expect the driver was relating the tale over coffee and having a few snickers.
But we got through the run just! my final 6 lenghts ( it reduces for the end of the programme) i only manged 5. I will put it down to shock delayed of course!
I just have to focus and keep going even though its hard! i cant begin to imagine the 26 miles next year. Will i do it? well the other runners tell us that we will get better, if i think about it we have improved over the past few weeks, but it does seem such a measly amount! Still it is for a good cause and i do wonder what Mikey would think of me doing this. Probably be laughing and telling me i will never do it, not in a million years. The men in my life have no faith in me what so ever. So i will have to prove them wrong (for once)

I'm here nice and early for me and its not yet midnight but its to bed!!!! i expect i will have all the aches and pains in the morning but it is another day!!!

Day 219

Managed to blog tonight!!!!

Still its been a very busy day. With no time to think about personal things. Work, work, work!!! but then it is Monday!!

Home at lunch time and i have to say a lovely lunch made by Tim. Work and then home just before 6pm and then swimming tonight!! no time to sit and think!!

By the time i got home and made supper Tim was off to bed.

We have so little time now to converse, but i wonder how many normal families actually communicate with each other.

So here i am and I'm almost dropping off to sleep and my head is almost on the keyboard!! not a pretty sight.

Plan for the morning, off to do assessment meetings in the afternoon! that will be fun! running tomorrow night and the end of another day. Before i know it it will be Friday and our Ritz trip.

I have my passport paperwork completed and will get that sent off next month. Eek can you imagine in this day and age i have never flown, so i guess that's next.

It will soon be Mikeys birthday and i can feel myself getting sadder when i think about that. It will be another milestone.
 Its been almost 8 months, should i be counting? well i am and who's to tell me what to do.
My friend Di says whatever i do and think is OK. If i feel sad that's OK to. If i feel like shouting and screaming that's OK to. Di never makes judgements she just reads my blog and usually leaves me a message the next day. If i don't answer she doesn't mind and will just leave another message the next day.
Friends like this are like gold dust and should be cherished. I wonder if she knows how much she means to me.
We don't go out together and we don't visit, but that's the whole essence of friendship, you don't need to because you know that if i was to call for help she would be on the doorstep before i put the phone down. Someone who gives personal space, but stays close by using the net. Cant beat that. Love that girl.

Then there are the friends who keep in touch who were Mikeys friends, its as if there is still a small piece of him left behind. More than a memory, he seems to be just around the corner, out of reach but there anyway. That's what they give me and i am so very grateful for that. I am truly blessed in that way.

I am trying to be positive today but tomorrow is another day................

Day 216/217/218

Three days since i last blogged again!

I have just been so tired and everywhere you looked Mothers day was being advertised. So i wasn't looking forward to today at all. I wish i had been able to sleep for three days, but then i would have missed Toms call and that wouldn't have been fair to him.

I know that most of my blogs have been about how i feel and how the days have been since losing Mikey, but to tell you the truth that's what the days have been about!

I am really struggling now and feel so much resentment about lots of things, perhaps if i write them down it would be better for me, on the other it may make me face reality and I'm not sure if i want to do that. It could mean so many life changes and I'm not sure if the decisions would be rational.

So i have been running, that helps. I decided to have my hair cut and go lighter again and that hasn't helped! ah well i can always change my mind again.

I keep trying to pin Tim down to do something but to no avail. I'm not sure now what else to do.
Nothing is ever going to fill the void of Mikeys loss and that may take more time and adjustments, perhaps just talking about doing different things is how we cope. But what happens when we get fed up of just talking. I don't know the answer to that either. Are we slowly drifting apart and just rubbing along with each other. I don't know the answer to that either.

There are so many ups and downs, times when all seams well and others when they are not. That is how our lives are at the moment. Perhaps i think too much.

Today has been strange.
26 years ago i was a mum to Tom and an expectant Mum to be, now I'm a Mum to Tom and no Mikey. How can that be?
I missed Mikeys call today its the first time i haven't heard his voice on Mothers day for 25years. Tom bless him phoned and sent a lovely e card. Same sense of humour but this time the card had two children making remarks about their mum at mealtimes. It was thoughtful and had a lot of meaning and quite true!!! love that boy to bits.

Another first then, it will be Mikeys birthday soon and i can already find myself getting upset about that thought.

So i will put a pic of Mikey on tonight just to make today's blog meaningful. This was one of the last photos of Mikey taken at Papworth a few weeks before he died.
I wish i could remember him like this and not the day he died maybe that will come in time. I hope so.

Oh Mikey xxx

Its hard to say that tomorrow is another day but that's all it is, just another day.............