Day 216/217/218

Three days since i last blogged again!

I have just been so tired and everywhere you looked Mothers day was being advertised. So i wasn't looking forward to today at all. I wish i had been able to sleep for three days, but then i would have missed Toms call and that wouldn't have been fair to him.

I know that most of my blogs have been about how i feel and how the days have been since losing Mikey, but to tell you the truth that's what the days have been about!

I am really struggling now and feel so much resentment about lots of things, perhaps if i write them down it would be better for me, on the other it may make me face reality and I'm not sure if i want to do that. It could mean so many life changes and I'm not sure if the decisions would be rational.

So i have been running, that helps. I decided to have my hair cut and go lighter again and that hasn't helped! ah well i can always change my mind again.

I keep trying to pin Tim down to do something but to no avail. I'm not sure now what else to do.
Nothing is ever going to fill the void of Mikeys loss and that may take more time and adjustments, perhaps just talking about doing different things is how we cope. But what happens when we get fed up of just talking. I don't know the answer to that either. Are we slowly drifting apart and just rubbing along with each other. I don't know the answer to that either.

There are so many ups and downs, times when all seams well and others when they are not. That is how our lives are at the moment. Perhaps i think too much.

Today has been strange.
26 years ago i was a mum to Tom and an expectant Mum to be, now I'm a Mum to Tom and no Mikey. How can that be?
I missed Mikeys call today its the first time i haven't heard his voice on Mothers day for 25years. Tom bless him phoned and sent a lovely e card. Same sense of humour but this time the card had two children making remarks about their mum at mealtimes. It was thoughtful and had a lot of meaning and quite true!!! love that boy to bits.

Another first then, it will be Mikeys birthday soon and i can already find myself getting upset about that thought.

So i will put a pic of Mikey on tonight just to make today's blog meaningful. This was one of the last photos of Mikey taken at Papworth a few weeks before he died.
I wish i could remember him like this and not the day he died maybe that will come in time. I hope so.

Oh Mikey xxx

Its hard to say that tomorrow is another day but that's all it is, just another day.............