5 whole days of not blogging and maybe that's the lesson to me!! this is where i let all my frustrations out and boy do i need to do that. But where to begin! so much has happened since Sunday where i was saying how quickly the time has gone. Life is passing me by or I'm on this huge tidal wave of life and lord only knows where I'm going to be tossed up.
I have never been or felt so indecisive in my life and i just cant express how much i feel adrift from myself.
Oh i can reflect and ponder on where and when these changes have arisen from and i could look back on my blog but i cant look back, not yet its still too painful.
I have changed! that's what i wanted to do and it was at one time so very positive. The changes were measurable and i felt in control of the. Not now!!
I have lost my rudder so to speak. Its very lonely even in a crowd at work, that's the root of the problem i think, too many changes all at once and Tim umm well that's another issue and one i really don't know what to do about. I keep closing the door on whats going wrong i don't seem to be able to do anything right!
Yep i know that's not unusual and all relationships have blips that's what it all about but i feel I'm trawling through mud.
Strange isn't it how I'm using all these terms! just goes to show i haven't a clue in which direction to go, what to sort out first or can i even be bothered.
Is this another part of grieving? how the hell do i know. I was almost numb even moribund now I'm so angry all of the time. I have developed teeth and claws and have almost bitten through my own arms in frustration and despair! and why? what do i hope to achieve. Apart from almost having no limbs at all now so to speak! the legs have been traumatised through running!!! ah well, i have got all my bits and bobs its all a figure of speech!
I have been so tired this week more than usual, maybe I'm depressed. I haven't got time for that.
Delegation may be the key but having seen the consequences for a very close friend it scares the ...... out of me.
So many, many things are happening, just solve one problems and there is this enormous beast lurking in the background raising its ugly head to cause more mayhem!!
Oh I'm moaning and grumbling like a good one tonight! but hey ho that's what i need to do. My fingers and pounding away at a rapid rate of knots!, obviously haven't chewed hard enough because they are still functioning!!!
So apart from having to spend time out of the office and making the attempts to catch up and have proven to be virtually impossible what have i done.
Well the running has gone well, all be it slowly the ankle is holding up, still sore but at least I'm walking on it with no problems even after the runs
Tuesday i ran for a mile at a time with short break and ran 4 miles in total. Thursday it was raining!! the sky was lit up with lightening and there was a rumble of thunder but off we went and i have to say we were running well. Didn't run as far but ran for 1 1/2 miles and then did a 2 mile stint and still managed to do nearly 5 miles. Lets hope i get good news at Physio Tuesday because time is getting on and we need to work towards increasing the mileage!! Got some races coming up, one is a 10 mile in December so i hope I'm fit!!!
I did take some time back on Thursday and hoped to spend some time out with Tim and Duke but it was the one day of the week which was lousy, typical still here's hoping the week end will be kind. Before you know it i will be back on the treadmill again, not the exercise one either!!!
Well i do feel better for that!!! So maybe, just maybe i will enjoy the weekend, but who knows tomorrow is another day after all!!!
Friday, 28 October 2011
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Day 427/428/429/430
Well I'm going to start with a photo of my foot. I have lamented about this injury for so long i have managed to take a snap, so here's hoping!!
Physio taping to support the two tendons on the left and a muscle to the top of the foot!
Anyway i went running Thursday! if you can call it that. I must though cos it was quite an effort.
Managed to run for 3/4 mile and walk for 1/4 mile and did this 4 times and it held up. Roll on next week and hope to do more! We shall see.
I have to say it lifted my spirits and boy did i need that.
It has been a horrible week really, just one thing after another.
The only good thing about this week has been the weather and we have had some lovely days even though a bit chilly.
I was so pleased when Friday came and thought about my much longed for week end.
The problem has been that it went so quickly.
Saturday i spent going out for a bike ride, a lovely long walk with Tim and Duke and then a walk into town. I met a man who knew Tim and hadn't seen him for a while and asked how he was getting on.
To start with he didn't know that Tim had left work following his brain Hemorrhage. He asked how the boys were and didn't know we had lost Mikey. He then said he lost his son several years ago, he was only 32 years old and then lost his wife a few months later. How very very sad. He told me it never goes away, the pain, you just learn to get through the days. In some ways this made feel a little better at least I'm not mad!!
Its been 14 months since we lost Mikey. 14 long sad miserable months, but at least the running is a place to go and forget your troubles. I am concentrating so hard for an hour just to breathe and get along a mile or two!! oh yes and learning to cope with the injury pain barrier!!
Today i went to the Hare Arms for lunch with my sisters and nieces, well at least two of them! and three of the hubbies, Tim decided not to go. It was a lovely day.
A walk this evening and my word the wind was brisk and cold! still the sun was watery but at least still out!
Now its almost time for bed and work in the morning! now how quick was that..
Tom seems happier but has a dreadful cold, i wonder who will be next.
Duke has a new bed and loves it! he looks so snug. How he is growing. He loves cookies!
I have taken so many photos recently and am so pleased i bought the camera, i wonder what happened to Mikes? i think we now have time to reflect and think about lots of things. I expect Claire has now moved on, well we knew that had happened before Mikey died. I wonder if she thinks about him at all, i hope so.
Anyway i am not going down that road again! i must keep remembering that tomorrow is another day!
Physio taping to support the two tendons on the left and a muscle to the top of the foot!
Anyway i went running Thursday! if you can call it that. I must though cos it was quite an effort.
Managed to run for 3/4 mile and walk for 1/4 mile and did this 4 times and it held up. Roll on next week and hope to do more! We shall see.
I have to say it lifted my spirits and boy did i need that.
It has been a horrible week really, just one thing after another.
The only good thing about this week has been the weather and we have had some lovely days even though a bit chilly.
I was so pleased when Friday came and thought about my much longed for week end.
The problem has been that it went so quickly.
Saturday i spent going out for a bike ride, a lovely long walk with Tim and Duke and then a walk into town. I met a man who knew Tim and hadn't seen him for a while and asked how he was getting on.
To start with he didn't know that Tim had left work following his brain Hemorrhage. He asked how the boys were and didn't know we had lost Mikey. He then said he lost his son several years ago, he was only 32 years old and then lost his wife a few months later. How very very sad. He told me it never goes away, the pain, you just learn to get through the days. In some ways this made feel a little better at least I'm not mad!!
Its been 14 months since we lost Mikey. 14 long sad miserable months, but at least the running is a place to go and forget your troubles. I am concentrating so hard for an hour just to breathe and get along a mile or two!! oh yes and learning to cope with the injury pain barrier!!
Today i went to the Hare Arms for lunch with my sisters and nieces, well at least two of them! and three of the hubbies, Tim decided not to go. It was a lovely day.
A walk this evening and my word the wind was brisk and cold! still the sun was watery but at least still out!
Now its almost time for bed and work in the morning! now how quick was that..
Tom seems happier but has a dreadful cold, i wonder who will be next.
Duke has a new bed and loves it! he looks so snug. How he is growing. He loves cookies!
I have taken so many photos recently and am so pleased i bought the camera, i wonder what happened to Mikes? i think we now have time to reflect and think about lots of things. I expect Claire has now moved on, well we knew that had happened before Mikey died. I wonder if she thinks about him at all, i hope so.
Anyway i am not going down that road again! i must keep remembering that tomorrow is another day!
Wednesday, 19 October 2011
Day 423.424,425.426
Four days!!! and what a lot has happened!
Sunday, a beautiful day. The fens were glorious and once again wearing their Sunday best. The camera came out and we walked through the drove. 5 minutes walk to get there, how lucky are we. The sun was low and the light just fabulous. I'm no expert yet with the camera but that and the running have given me so much joy. For a short time worries are no more and I'm just absorbed in the beauty that is around me.
I managed the uneven ground without a wince! i felt the ankle was improving. Duke was running free and just enjoying the time out with us.
Tom had recovered from his night out, the joys of being young! And how we miss Mikey!
I wasn't so worried about going to work and happy with the decisions i made. Thank goodness i did!!! Monday was just so extraordinary!! if i wrote a book you would think it was a best selling work of fiction!! I can laugh about it now but i do so wish i could share the events of the say here but i think not!!!
The one thing i can say is that on these occasions we are allowed to run. Run i did even though i was not supposed to.
Tim received a call from work to tell him i wouldn't be home at lunch time and the afternoon just followed the same trend.
Tuesday it was the day of reckoning with my physio. Up early and yes the ankle is improving, more exercises a new strapping and instructions about what i can do and what i cannot. I could run but only for 3 miles and that needed to be interval running. OK that's not so bad i thought, i can manage that. Any increased soreness and i would need to stop and walk. Back to see her in two weeks.
By the time i had finished work i felt it best not to go, the ankle felt sore and i just was not going to risk it. I did that before and it got me into the pickle i am in now. Went for a walk with Tim instead.
Went back to work tonight and stayed till 2am. Meetings with the staff and achieved some stuff.
Feeling positive this morning, action plan and raring to go until, unannounced inspection. Oh lord. Phone call to Tim wont be home for lunch!!!!
Meeting at work this evening and now reflecting on the week.
I am feeling a little more settled and obviously this was laying heavily on me and there is a sense of relief!
Hoping for better things!! Tom seems settled today, always a good thing!! I will go running tomorrow night, especially after watching Run Fat Boy Run tonight on TV. Reminds me that this could be me next year!!!
Lots to organise tomorrow but i can see it as a challenge now not a chore!
Its so cold this evening! almost feel the snow moving towards us, frosty mornings and dragons breath. Love it!!
I am thinking of a friend, she has been such a support to me and i am concerned for her. It just makes you reflect even more that time does not stop, things still happen, other people experience bad times.
Duke
Fen sky
Just caught the birds in flight to. Well to bed, after all tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, a beautiful day. The fens were glorious and once again wearing their Sunday best. The camera came out and we walked through the drove. 5 minutes walk to get there, how lucky are we. The sun was low and the light just fabulous. I'm no expert yet with the camera but that and the running have given me so much joy. For a short time worries are no more and I'm just absorbed in the beauty that is around me.
I managed the uneven ground without a wince! i felt the ankle was improving. Duke was running free and just enjoying the time out with us.
Tom had recovered from his night out, the joys of being young! And how we miss Mikey!
I wasn't so worried about going to work and happy with the decisions i made. Thank goodness i did!!! Monday was just so extraordinary!! if i wrote a book you would think it was a best selling work of fiction!! I can laugh about it now but i do so wish i could share the events of the say here but i think not!!!
The one thing i can say is that on these occasions we are allowed to run. Run i did even though i was not supposed to.
Tim received a call from work to tell him i wouldn't be home at lunch time and the afternoon just followed the same trend.
Tuesday it was the day of reckoning with my physio. Up early and yes the ankle is improving, more exercises a new strapping and instructions about what i can do and what i cannot. I could run but only for 3 miles and that needed to be interval running. OK that's not so bad i thought, i can manage that. Any increased soreness and i would need to stop and walk. Back to see her in two weeks.
By the time i had finished work i felt it best not to go, the ankle felt sore and i just was not going to risk it. I did that before and it got me into the pickle i am in now. Went for a walk with Tim instead.
Went back to work tonight and stayed till 2am. Meetings with the staff and achieved some stuff.
Feeling positive this morning, action plan and raring to go until, unannounced inspection. Oh lord. Phone call to Tim wont be home for lunch!!!!
Meeting at work this evening and now reflecting on the week.
I am feeling a little more settled and obviously this was laying heavily on me and there is a sense of relief!
Hoping for better things!! Tom seems settled today, always a good thing!! I will go running tomorrow night, especially after watching Run Fat Boy Run tonight on TV. Reminds me that this could be me next year!!!
Lots to organise tomorrow but i can see it as a challenge now not a chore!
Its so cold this evening! almost feel the snow moving towards us, frosty mornings and dragons breath. Love it!!
I am thinking of a friend, she has been such a support to me and i am concerned for her. It just makes you reflect even more that time does not stop, things still happen, other people experience bad times.
Duke
Fen sky
Just caught the birds in flight to. Well to bed, after all tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, 15 October 2011
DAY 421/422
Phew! Its Saturday. A bit of R and R i hope!
Its been a strange week. I time of ups and downs. Sometimes my head feels as though it belongs to some one else.
The problem is work, and i wish i could stay home all day and just chill, except that will not pay the bills!!
Friday and that was day i revolted! May suffer for that later.
Went out for Chinese with the running club Friday night and had a nice time, Tim didn't want to go though. Tom went out for the night with some friends and had a good time i think.
So today i just pottered about went for a few cycle rides, had a long walk, did my exercises and chatted to a friend on line and put the world to rights. It was good just to do nothing.
Took loads of photos today It was so warm and yet we had a really hard frost this morning. Scrapers out job!!
Tim seemed a bit better today at least we spent some time together. I must book some holdays.
Well i suppose i better get to bed and read the instruction manual for my Garmin because I'm still getting in a muddle with it!
I hope i will get to use it on Tuesday! the foot feels a lot better and no problems after the walk, in fact it feels better that it has for ages.
Tim was talking about Mikey today and how he used to go for walks with him when he was little. It is good to remember but at the same time so hard because you think about what you have lost. I'm looking at his picture now and cant help but smile at it. He was a joy to have.
Ah well tomorrow is another day........................
Its been a strange week. I time of ups and downs. Sometimes my head feels as though it belongs to some one else.
The problem is work, and i wish i could stay home all day and just chill, except that will not pay the bills!!
Friday and that was day i revolted! May suffer for that later.
Went out for Chinese with the running club Friday night and had a nice time, Tim didn't want to go though. Tom went out for the night with some friends and had a good time i think.
So today i just pottered about went for a few cycle rides, had a long walk, did my exercises and chatted to a friend on line and put the world to rights. It was good just to do nothing.
Took loads of photos today It was so warm and yet we had a really hard frost this morning. Scrapers out job!!
Tim seemed a bit better today at least we spent some time together. I must book some holdays.
Well i suppose i better get to bed and read the instruction manual for my Garmin because I'm still getting in a muddle with it!
I hope i will get to use it on Tuesday! the foot feels a lot better and no problems after the walk, in fact it feels better that it has for ages.
Tim was talking about Mikey today and how he used to go for walks with him when he was little. It is good to remember but at the same time so hard because you think about what you have lost. I'm looking at his picture now and cant help but smile at it. He was a joy to have.
Ah well tomorrow is another day........................
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Day 419/420
It takes a lot for me to lose my temper and i could probably count the times that has truly happened on one hand but i have come so close today i can feel the other hand starting to itch.
I worked all day yesterday and ended up going in and working all night! After Tuesday i thought things may get a bit better, but sadly that wasn't to be!! Yesterday evening i took the car out and noticed a light stayed on on the dash. Mentioned it to Tim and yep sure as eggs are eggs it was my fault!! Good lord i never did a thing. Poor Tom tried to act as piece maker and we both ended up sitting in the car trying to sort out the problem! Well me and equipment ie technology just do not see eye to eye!! In the end we both sat outside laughing at the whole situation.That was short lived because we had to re enter the house!!!
Anyway i ended up going back to work which solved the problem. Tom found out that its a common thing that happens on the car we have and the light just goes of after 30 Min's, which it did!
So came home this morning tired but pleased with what i had achieved without the phone ringing! Made Tim a cup of tea left him a note to get me up later and hit the sack. Awoke to the phone ringing at 8am a nurse hadn't come in. That was all i needed.
Anyway back to sleep and up at lunch time!
Tim in a good mood yesterday apparently forgotten! Took me back to get a jacket i had my eye on a couple of weeks ago, and believe it or not it was still there. Now how unusual is that.
Home and back to work only to read something that made my blood boil. That was the last straw!!!! I will just have to wait and see about the outcome of that.
Another phone call this afternoon and a headhunter, its looking very tempting at the moment to consider a change, just don't want to make a hasty decision.
Tonight i should have been running but stayed at home, exercising the foot and will get on the exercise bike shortly!!
I know you read this D thanks for the message xxx will try and send you a message over the weekend for the moment though tomorrow is another day!!!
I worked all day yesterday and ended up going in and working all night! After Tuesday i thought things may get a bit better, but sadly that wasn't to be!! Yesterday evening i took the car out and noticed a light stayed on on the dash. Mentioned it to Tim and yep sure as eggs are eggs it was my fault!! Good lord i never did a thing. Poor Tom tried to act as piece maker and we both ended up sitting in the car trying to sort out the problem! Well me and equipment ie technology just do not see eye to eye!! In the end we both sat outside laughing at the whole situation.That was short lived because we had to re enter the house!!!
Anyway i ended up going back to work which solved the problem. Tom found out that its a common thing that happens on the car we have and the light just goes of after 30 Min's, which it did!
So came home this morning tired but pleased with what i had achieved without the phone ringing! Made Tim a cup of tea left him a note to get me up later and hit the sack. Awoke to the phone ringing at 8am a nurse hadn't come in. That was all i needed.
Anyway back to sleep and up at lunch time!
Tim in a good mood yesterday apparently forgotten! Took me back to get a jacket i had my eye on a couple of weeks ago, and believe it or not it was still there. Now how unusual is that.
Home and back to work only to read something that made my blood boil. That was the last straw!!!! I will just have to wait and see about the outcome of that.
Another phone call this afternoon and a headhunter, its looking very tempting at the moment to consider a change, just don't want to make a hasty decision.
Tonight i should have been running but stayed at home, exercising the foot and will get on the exercise bike shortly!!
I know you read this D thanks for the message xxx will try and send you a message over the weekend for the moment though tomorrow is another day!!!
Tuesday, 11 October 2011
DAy 416/417/418
Well its not been a good few days. Tim has been really down and i don't know how to help him. Neither Tom or i can do anything right at the moment.
The weekend i spent searching for accommodation for Sue and i in Edinburgh and managed to get that sorted. The ankle has been miserable. Its getting me down now.
Tom has decided to try and find his own place and i cant blame him for that.
Work well that's the same and today it just went downhill during the day!
Went to physio and i have torn two tendons on the outside of the left ankle and torn a muscle on the front of my foot hence the reason why the whole foot is so floppy. Lots of exercises. foot taped and back next week, hoping i can run again.
Lunch time i came hope and Tim was really quiet and just stated to cry. He is missing Mikey very much. I said i didn't know how to help him because i can barely help myself. That running was the only thing that gets me through the week. I cant think on a daily basis and cant think of the future. All i am focusing on is next year and after that i don't know how i will manage. I told him that despite the mickey taking and the negative comments its what is helping me and i don't want to stop. I also said that i have given up swimming, we bought the dog, changed the car and nothing is working. I also said that if Mikey was here what would he think of his dad saying he wanted to die!!! and i cant cope with that.
Tim wont go to the Dr's and said what can they do. I really think he is depressed, but cant get him to see anyone. I just don't know what to do. It would have been his mums birthday yesterday, i don't know if that has made things worse.
Tonight i went running, well to cycle next to Sue and she did really well and managed to keep with everyone so i don't think she needs me now. So i was feeling really fed up and i even felt like crying again and not good to be negative towards Sue. I felt do envious of her achievement tonight and i shouldn't be like that. So i will just have to wait and see if i can catch up.
When i got home i asked Tim if he would help me and i think he will. That just might make him take an interest and even join me! Who's to say. So i was on the exercise bike for an hour, did my foot exercises and decided i really needed to blog. Its a down period for us all.
Mikey's friend Maddie has been with Jack now for a year, its hard to think so much time has passed. Who ever said time heals lied. It doesn't, our loss will be with us for ever and it is almost too much to bear.
Its lonely sitting here writing, Tim and Tom are in bed sleeping, that is certainly something i have doing, the nights are long with only thoughts for company, ah well tomorrow is another day...............
The weekend i spent searching for accommodation for Sue and i in Edinburgh and managed to get that sorted. The ankle has been miserable. Its getting me down now.
Tom has decided to try and find his own place and i cant blame him for that.
Work well that's the same and today it just went downhill during the day!
Went to physio and i have torn two tendons on the outside of the left ankle and torn a muscle on the front of my foot hence the reason why the whole foot is so floppy. Lots of exercises. foot taped and back next week, hoping i can run again.
Lunch time i came hope and Tim was really quiet and just stated to cry. He is missing Mikey very much. I said i didn't know how to help him because i can barely help myself. That running was the only thing that gets me through the week. I cant think on a daily basis and cant think of the future. All i am focusing on is next year and after that i don't know how i will manage. I told him that despite the mickey taking and the negative comments its what is helping me and i don't want to stop. I also said that i have given up swimming, we bought the dog, changed the car and nothing is working. I also said that if Mikey was here what would he think of his dad saying he wanted to die!!! and i cant cope with that.
Tim wont go to the Dr's and said what can they do. I really think he is depressed, but cant get him to see anyone. I just don't know what to do. It would have been his mums birthday yesterday, i don't know if that has made things worse.
Tonight i went running, well to cycle next to Sue and she did really well and managed to keep with everyone so i don't think she needs me now. So i was feeling really fed up and i even felt like crying again and not good to be negative towards Sue. I felt do envious of her achievement tonight and i shouldn't be like that. So i will just have to wait and see if i can catch up.
When i got home i asked Tim if he would help me and i think he will. That just might make him take an interest and even join me! Who's to say. So i was on the exercise bike for an hour, did my foot exercises and decided i really needed to blog. Its a down period for us all.
Mikey's friend Maddie has been with Jack now for a year, its hard to think so much time has passed. Who ever said time heals lied. It doesn't, our loss will be with us for ever and it is almost too much to bear.
Its lonely sitting here writing, Tim and Tom are in bed sleeping, that is certainly something i have doing, the nights are long with only thoughts for company, ah well tomorrow is another day...............
Saturday, 8 October 2011
DAY 414/415
Two days!!
Friday a visit to the Dr's, foot not broken, um well i think i guessed that. However he thinks its the tendons oh yeah and it was the right foot last time? i honestly thought it was the same foot. Suggested physio. I could wait for a couple of weeks for the appointment to come or go private!! I have an appointment Tuesday!
I have spent today searching for accommodation in Edinburgh for the Marathon next year! Early? well apparently not because its the Edinburgh festival next year so places are being taken very quickly!
Its been a miserable day today, drizzle most of the day and so cold.
I cant run and cant walk far so i have been out on my bike. Still haven't received my running gear which i ordered over a week ago! i have chased that order up today as well.
Duke is growing so quickly and it looks as if he will be a giant of a dog, oops!! he is outgrowing his bed and his overnight pen!!
I wonder if Mikey can look down and see what we are all doing. I hope so, i guess we all have to have something to believe in to get us through the days. I do sometimes question life, and to what purpose are we here for. There seems to be some sort of restriction on us mere mortals otherwise we would live forever. Why don't we?
The picture widens and the question then is why do some people live for a short time, why is there illness why is there cruelty. Is it all about fate, are we part of some great tapestry. I wonder!
Not a philosopher but when a trauma occurs in your life you change, not always for the best. I look back over the past twelve months and i am certainly not the person i was or the person i was to become. What does the future hold for me? to be honest i longer care. What will be will be. There is no control. All we can do is live one day to the next. Why do we worry at all? yet we do and will continue to do so. Even when we know there is no point.
Regrets do i have any, oh yes but when you make decisions you have to live with them and accept the consequences. This is something i am able to do strangely enough.
If we have a second shot at life, and come back for that second innings how will we know, and how can we be the person we cant be in this lifetime. My hope is that Mikey will come back as the person he was in a fit and healthy body. To be able to enjoy life and most importantly to be able to breathe easy. Yes, that would be my wish.
Am i now living in a fantasy world, well who really knows. Am i in a dream, how can we tell. If i am lets hope i run the marathon next year well and then do several more!! Ha the list would be endless.
I better get to bed i suppose and wake up to reality? ah well tomorrow is another day......................
Friday a visit to the Dr's, foot not broken, um well i think i guessed that. However he thinks its the tendons oh yeah and it was the right foot last time? i honestly thought it was the same foot. Suggested physio. I could wait for a couple of weeks for the appointment to come or go private!! I have an appointment Tuesday!
I have spent today searching for accommodation in Edinburgh for the Marathon next year! Early? well apparently not because its the Edinburgh festival next year so places are being taken very quickly!
Its been a miserable day today, drizzle most of the day and so cold.
I cant run and cant walk far so i have been out on my bike. Still haven't received my running gear which i ordered over a week ago! i have chased that order up today as well.
Duke is growing so quickly and it looks as if he will be a giant of a dog, oops!! he is outgrowing his bed and his overnight pen!!
I wonder if Mikey can look down and see what we are all doing. I hope so, i guess we all have to have something to believe in to get us through the days. I do sometimes question life, and to what purpose are we here for. There seems to be some sort of restriction on us mere mortals otherwise we would live forever. Why don't we?
The picture widens and the question then is why do some people live for a short time, why is there illness why is there cruelty. Is it all about fate, are we part of some great tapestry. I wonder!
Not a philosopher but when a trauma occurs in your life you change, not always for the best. I look back over the past twelve months and i am certainly not the person i was or the person i was to become. What does the future hold for me? to be honest i longer care. What will be will be. There is no control. All we can do is live one day to the next. Why do we worry at all? yet we do and will continue to do so. Even when we know there is no point.
Regrets do i have any, oh yes but when you make decisions you have to live with them and accept the consequences. This is something i am able to do strangely enough.
If we have a second shot at life, and come back for that second innings how will we know, and how can we be the person we cant be in this lifetime. My hope is that Mikey will come back as the person he was in a fit and healthy body. To be able to enjoy life and most importantly to be able to breathe easy. Yes, that would be my wish.
Am i now living in a fantasy world, well who really knows. Am i in a dream, how can we tell. If i am lets hope i run the marathon next year well and then do several more!! Ha the list would be endless.
I better get to bed i suppose and wake up to reality? ah well tomorrow is another day......................
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