Its happening again! two days to blog. I promised myself it wouldn't happen but there you go, famous last words.
I was at work again last night, and i really am getting past the days when i could cram 48hrs worth of activity in 24hours a sign of age i expect! sad but its true.
So busy yesterday and still loads to do, there is no end in sight. Do i give up and just go with the flow, or try to swim against the tide.
It is a blessing in many ways that i am so busy it gives me little time to think and worry.
I am constantly battling the tears these days. It is getting close to Mikeys birthday and i miss him so much. Tonight i was busy looking for some bits to take up to Toms and came across a school photo when Mikey was 6. He has this beaming smile, hes wearing an old shirt of his Dads and has his hands in a lump of clay. The photo is in the middle of a paper plate he decorated with seeds and grain. I still have the Christmas decoration and candle holder he made and have had them out every Christmas since then. I just looked at the photo and thought how cruel life is. There seems to be no justice in the world. So many bad people and yet the world has lost someone so special. It really isn't fair. Now I'm blubbing and can hardly see the keyboard!
Its been a night of discovery and sadness. Looking for some spare curtains to take to Toms i found Mikeys favourite hooded sweatshirt he wore when he was in America , he was 7 at the time. I have kept items of clothing at various ages, i knew there would be a time when we would not have him and i suppose sub consciously i was saving them for this time. God i cant explain how heartbroken i am. There are times when i wonder if its worth it, but remember how angry Mikey was when he heard of people taking there own life when he would do anything to preserve his.
I thought the days of misery were coming to a close. Yet misery has found me again she has sunk her claws in and this time she is managing to hang around for a bit and i cant shake her off! it must be because she has been starved of my feelings for a while. I thought i had managed to be aware of her presence but i have obviously failed yet again to notice her approach. Damn!
Well i went running yesterday and manged to do the required amount and paid for it later! Swimming tonight and weight watchers tracking continues!
Off to Doncaster tomorrow to Spring clean for Tom and that will keep us occupied for a couple of days, so i wont be blogging tomorrow unless of course we cant get in and have to come home, or we get everything done and come home early!
Well i better close now as its an early start for us both. Sorry for being depressing but tomorrow is another day
Wednesday, 20 April 2011
Monday, 18 April 2011
Day 233
Tired,tired,tired!!
I'm not sure if its mental or physical exhaustion, maybe a bit of both!
Tom must be in Thailand by now and hopefully enjoying himself. Only another 2 weeks of worry!
Work, its almost like being on a roller coaster and yet i see no end in sight yet. Priorities change on a daily basis, who moved those wretched goal posts!
Diet continues to go OK and Tim bless him is really trying to make sure i stick to it.
Went swimming tonight and managed 50 length. I was counting and will tell Joni on Thursday! I have learnt another new thing tonight. This well built gentleman walked round the edge of the pool in this very skimpy pair of speedos. Joni said they are now called Budgie Smugglers! i almost fell over with laughing, how apt and i can see why they would be called that. I shall never be able to look at a man in them with out my imagination going into overdrive! Got home and made a healthy sandwich and then promptly fell asleep on the settee and have every intention of climbing into bed when i have finished here. I just cant hack it like i used to. So no pictures tonight.
Running tomorrow and my leg and ankle still resemble a hockey stick with ring do nut round the base. I hope it holds up for the run. I guess i will have to wait and see.
I have looked at my posts and this time last year Mikey was in with yet another collapsed lung, how things have changed over the last 12 months. Life is not the same certainly! I just wish Tom realised what he has. Will that day ever come i wonder.
I'm off to get an early night and hope that my days in the future do not feel as though I'm walking in mud, ah well tomorrow is another day.
I'm not sure if its mental or physical exhaustion, maybe a bit of both!
Tom must be in Thailand by now and hopefully enjoying himself. Only another 2 weeks of worry!
Work, its almost like being on a roller coaster and yet i see no end in sight yet. Priorities change on a daily basis, who moved those wretched goal posts!
Diet continues to go OK and Tim bless him is really trying to make sure i stick to it.
Went swimming tonight and managed 50 length. I was counting and will tell Joni on Thursday! I have learnt another new thing tonight. This well built gentleman walked round the edge of the pool in this very skimpy pair of speedos. Joni said they are now called Budgie Smugglers! i almost fell over with laughing, how apt and i can see why they would be called that. I shall never be able to look at a man in them with out my imagination going into overdrive! Got home and made a healthy sandwich and then promptly fell asleep on the settee and have every intention of climbing into bed when i have finished here. I just cant hack it like i used to. So no pictures tonight.
Running tomorrow and my leg and ankle still resemble a hockey stick with ring do nut round the base. I hope it holds up for the run. I guess i will have to wait and see.
I have looked at my posts and this time last year Mikey was in with yet another collapsed lung, how things have changed over the last 12 months. Life is not the same certainly! I just wish Tom realised what he has. Will that day ever come i wonder.
I'm off to get an early night and hope that my days in the future do not feel as though I'm walking in mud, ah well tomorrow is another day.
Sunday, 17 April 2011
day 231/232
Oh my word! i would have blogged yesterday but after the phone call from Tom i was so worried i couldn't concentrate on anything let alone to sit and write.
Mikey was so organised and so prepared, nothing ever phased him. Tom however is another story!
Talk about disorganised, he leaves everything to the last moment and then wonders why nothing goes right!
Never takes responsibility!! and then to think hes off to Thailand for two weeks I'm already in panic mode!
This week we will go and do some housework for him, Tim is already writing a list. Mikey did everything himself until the last few months when we know he found it hard. Mikey said Claire's dad went and hoovered, I'm not sure when because Mikey hadn't seen him for a few months prior to the day of his op. I expect Claire couldn't manage it either. Mikey did the housework, ironing and cooking, i wonder if Claire has suddenly become able to manage or if her parents still help, i expect so.
Still we did get up and we did get to the show yesterday morning. We saw some ferrets racing! which was probably the highlight of the visit. We were not to impressed, perhaps we should try the East of England show.
The sun was out in the afternoon and we spent time in the garden and a walk later. Then the phone call from Tom.
So today i spent worrying about whether Tom manged to get to the airport! and watching the marathon. Oh my word can i do that!!!! Need to get a grip and hope the ankle is the last thing that will go wrong for me.
Weigh day today and i have lost 2 pounds, yippee!!!
This afternoon we walked over to the cricket. How lucky we are to live just across the road from the cricket ground. So armed with my camera i hoped to get some shots of an idyllic afternoon. Hearing the sound of the ball on the cricket bat, the calls of the players across the pitch, the laughter coming from the club house and then the sound of my cameras flash!! the look from the umpire, oh lord the light flashed at the bowler! I didn't dare take anymore pictures until the sun came out!!!
A ride out this evening to take a picture of the ornamental cow in the garden we saw the other night and at last a text from Tom saying they were waiting for their flight. As i sit here tonight I'm thinking he must be somewhere up there on his way to Thailand and when i wake in the morning I'm hoping he will be there. And so for the worry!!!
I will put some photos on but not tonight, tomorrow is another day........................
Mikey was so organised and so prepared, nothing ever phased him. Tom however is another story!
Talk about disorganised, he leaves everything to the last moment and then wonders why nothing goes right!
Never takes responsibility!! and then to think hes off to Thailand for two weeks I'm already in panic mode!
This week we will go and do some housework for him, Tim is already writing a list. Mikey did everything himself until the last few months when we know he found it hard. Mikey said Claire's dad went and hoovered, I'm not sure when because Mikey hadn't seen him for a few months prior to the day of his op. I expect Claire couldn't manage it either. Mikey did the housework, ironing and cooking, i wonder if Claire has suddenly become able to manage or if her parents still help, i expect so.
Still we did get up and we did get to the show yesterday morning. We saw some ferrets racing! which was probably the highlight of the visit. We were not to impressed, perhaps we should try the East of England show.
The sun was out in the afternoon and we spent time in the garden and a walk later. Then the phone call from Tom.
So today i spent worrying about whether Tom manged to get to the airport! and watching the marathon. Oh my word can i do that!!!! Need to get a grip and hope the ankle is the last thing that will go wrong for me.
Weigh day today and i have lost 2 pounds, yippee!!!
This afternoon we walked over to the cricket. How lucky we are to live just across the road from the cricket ground. So armed with my camera i hoped to get some shots of an idyllic afternoon. Hearing the sound of the ball on the cricket bat, the calls of the players across the pitch, the laughter coming from the club house and then the sound of my cameras flash!! the look from the umpire, oh lord the light flashed at the bowler! I didn't dare take anymore pictures until the sun came out!!!
A ride out this evening to take a picture of the ornamental cow in the garden we saw the other night and at last a text from Tom saying they were waiting for their flight. As i sit here tonight I'm thinking he must be somewhere up there on his way to Thailand and when i wake in the morning I'm hoping he will be there. And so for the worry!!!
I will put some photos on but not tonight, tomorrow is another day........................
Friday, 15 April 2011
Day 229/230
I cant believe its been 230 days since i started blogging! but it obviously has been.
Yesterday was a beast work in the morning, Cambridge in the afternoon, i didn't get back in time to run, which was just as well really because my ankle is still swollen. It was ice packs when i got home and then i did a night shift!!
Manged to get a lot done so i feel a bit better about that although still have a lot to do. I hope that by the end of the week i will at least be back on top of it. Famous last words, there always seems to be more. What i want is at least to manage my work load more effectively.
Went to bed this morning and was woken by the dog next door barking! its like living next door to kennels! Tim asked me if i wanted a ride out so i went and did a bit of retail therapy. Good for the soul!
Tom phoned and he has managed to fix his car and felt well chuffed that he had been able to do something himself. He is off to Thailand on Sunday and is going shopping with someone who is going with him! I do hope they will look after him.
Mikey was always the more confident and world wise! lets hope Tom now comes into his own.
Tims sister rang him yesterday. Will they ever learn? Tom was amazed with what she says to him!, Hes going to have a chat with me tomorrow! yay! he knows me well!
Next week we are going up to Donny to sort the house out. Looking forward to be able to help him in a small way, and it will give Tim plenty to do!
Well i better close because we are off to the Norfolk show tomorrow, We have been meaning to go for years and it looks like this will be the year. Mikey would be so surprised, even Tom said he will believe it when we have been. We will have to see if he is right or wrong.
I'm going to be a right worry mutton for the next couple of weeks! are well that's for later, tomorrow is another day......................
Yesterday was a beast work in the morning, Cambridge in the afternoon, i didn't get back in time to run, which was just as well really because my ankle is still swollen. It was ice packs when i got home and then i did a night shift!!
Manged to get a lot done so i feel a bit better about that although still have a lot to do. I hope that by the end of the week i will at least be back on top of it. Famous last words, there always seems to be more. What i want is at least to manage my work load more effectively.
Went to bed this morning and was woken by the dog next door barking! its like living next door to kennels! Tim asked me if i wanted a ride out so i went and did a bit of retail therapy. Good for the soul!
Tom phoned and he has managed to fix his car and felt well chuffed that he had been able to do something himself. He is off to Thailand on Sunday and is going shopping with someone who is going with him! I do hope they will look after him.
Mikey was always the more confident and world wise! lets hope Tom now comes into his own.
Tims sister rang him yesterday. Will they ever learn? Tom was amazed with what she says to him!, Hes going to have a chat with me tomorrow! yay! he knows me well!
Next week we are going up to Donny to sort the house out. Looking forward to be able to help him in a small way, and it will give Tim plenty to do!
Well i better close because we are off to the Norfolk show tomorrow, We have been meaning to go for years and it looks like this will be the year. Mikey would be so surprised, even Tom said he will believe it when we have been. We will have to see if he is right or wrong.
I'm going to be a right worry mutton for the next couple of weeks! are well that's for later, tomorrow is another day......................
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Day 228
I could have pasted yesterdays opening words to today. My brain is misfunctioning!!! To many things going on and trying to work in my head whilst doing a task ends up with me feeling jumbled!
I'm a jumper becoming unravelled!
I really am extremely busy, there is no let up. We are being inundated with people wanting a bed with us. This is really god news but with reduction in my admin and my Dep working the floor im really struggling to keep afloat. I shouldnt complain but im playing catch up, i hate not having the control!!!
Tim bless him went to Eastwood today, and he said every time he goes he thinks of Mikey and because of that he wanted to talk about my big birthday in a couple of years time!! Tim said he knew i had said in the past that i wanted a party but didnt know if i felt as he did.
A celebration like that will not be the same withoout Michael and he wondered if i wanted to take my sisters for a weekend to a spa instead. I thought that would be a good idea. Life will never be the same for us and we will always feel an incomplete family.
We are fast approaching Mikeys birthday and i feel thats what is bringing thoughts like this to the fore.
So i cried today and still could again now, it's not misery though, not this time. It's such an ache, an emptiness with so much sadness. A bleak dispair, and such pain of heart and soul. We cant help each other because we still cant help ourselves.
Work does keep me going, however much i complain. I have to be on the move, i can't stop because if i do i will have too much time to think about the negatives and not the good things. Mikey bought us so much joy, and he was so incredibly brave. I am a mother but he really was. Such courage in the face of adversity. I am so very proud of him and what he acheived.
I now have a night to do tomorrow and will not be able to see my dear friend as planned and that does upset me, but i hope we can meet next week. I just need her to give me that knowing look she has, for me to let go and be me!
Saturday we hope to go to the Norfolk and Norwich show LETS HOPE IT DOESNT RAIN!!! So im off to bed with a positive thought that tomorrow is another day........................
I'm a jumper becoming unravelled!
I really am extremely busy, there is no let up. We are being inundated with people wanting a bed with us. This is really god news but with reduction in my admin and my Dep working the floor im really struggling to keep afloat. I shouldnt complain but im playing catch up, i hate not having the control!!!
Tim bless him went to Eastwood today, and he said every time he goes he thinks of Mikey and because of that he wanted to talk about my big birthday in a couple of years time!! Tim said he knew i had said in the past that i wanted a party but didnt know if i felt as he did.
A celebration like that will not be the same withoout Michael and he wondered if i wanted to take my sisters for a weekend to a spa instead. I thought that would be a good idea. Life will never be the same for us and we will always feel an incomplete family.
We are fast approaching Mikeys birthday and i feel thats what is bringing thoughts like this to the fore.
So i cried today and still could again now, it's not misery though, not this time. It's such an ache, an emptiness with so much sadness. A bleak dispair, and such pain of heart and soul. We cant help each other because we still cant help ourselves.
Work does keep me going, however much i complain. I have to be on the move, i can't stop because if i do i will have too much time to think about the negatives and not the good things. Mikey bought us so much joy, and he was so incredibly brave. I am a mother but he really was. Such courage in the face of adversity. I am so very proud of him and what he acheived.
I now have a night to do tomorrow and will not be able to see my dear friend as planned and that does upset me, but i hope we can meet next week. I just need her to give me that knowing look she has, for me to let go and be me!
Saturday we hope to go to the Norfolk and Norwich show LETS HOPE IT DOESNT RAIN!!! So im off to bed with a positive thought that tomorrow is another day........................
Tuesday, 12 April 2011
Day 227
Do any days go as planned? well i have to say no they don't. I was going to do so much at work today to get caught up! best laid plans and all that. Ah well.
So i have yet more to do, i have been so incredibly busy, still i managed to get home for lunch and Tim had prepared a really good wholesome meal! and he had been to the hairdressers, i really cant remember the last time he went! i am so pleased because no more moans that i have not cut his hair right, Yippee, cartwheels and all that.
The sun was out today although the wind was rather nippy, a typical April day. The days just seem so fresh and clean, good to be out and about.
Running tonight and i didn't manage to do as much as usual, ankle had blown up but persevered and managed my first set and Sues knee was giving her a bit of trouble so we learnt from my previous mistake and didn't do too much. When i got home it was a bag if ice cubes on my ankle! i have to say it is a lot better now, so I'm hoping by Thursday it will be even better!
Swimming tomorrow and that helped when i went on Tuesday.
Its the 12th today and 8 months since we lost Mikey, its strange how dates and days have such a profound effect on me. It sneaks up on you and suddenly i feel like weeping. Its hard to explain.
Misery hovers in the background, but being so active now on Tuesdays and Thursdays keeps her at bay, for now!
I was speaking about Mikey and how long it has been and the person said how quickly that time has gone, and yet for us its a life time and yesterday all in one. My tomorrows are all hurdles to get through and i sit here at night just thinking its another day over. The effort it takes sometimes overwhelms me and i can feel myself inside having a panic, a wishing that i could just run and leave everything behind. I have no plan where i would go, i have no idea the length of time i would be away, maybe only for a minute just to stop that awful sensation, I'm not sure.
I just feel there is something missing, I'm not whole anymore, i have lost my rudder! adrift on the sea of life.
The days i enjoy are so quickly forgotten and there is always something happening that we can relate to Mikey. Last week end it was the Grand National, Mikey always picked a winner or at least in the top 3. This years Grand Prix Mikey would be phoning to talk about the race and Eddie Jordan and David Coulthard! well I don't know what Eddie was wearing this week end but the shirts of his collars were huge!!! Vetel has won two races for Red Bull but i wished it was Mark Webber! Next time i hope!
This coming week end is the Marathon and the next one Easter all times for our family to remember.
My goodness Toms going away on Sunday! i hope he will be OK i worry about him so!
To weight! managed to keep to my points today Yay!!! i hope it lasts.
To bed i think, but before i do a couple of pictures
So i have yet more to do, i have been so incredibly busy, still i managed to get home for lunch and Tim had prepared a really good wholesome meal! and he had been to the hairdressers, i really cant remember the last time he went! i am so pleased because no more moans that i have not cut his hair right, Yippee, cartwheels and all that.
The sun was out today although the wind was rather nippy, a typical April day. The days just seem so fresh and clean, good to be out and about.
Running tonight and i didn't manage to do as much as usual, ankle had blown up but persevered and managed my first set and Sues knee was giving her a bit of trouble so we learnt from my previous mistake and didn't do too much. When i got home it was a bag if ice cubes on my ankle! i have to say it is a lot better now, so I'm hoping by Thursday it will be even better!
Swimming tomorrow and that helped when i went on Tuesday.
Its the 12th today and 8 months since we lost Mikey, its strange how dates and days have such a profound effect on me. It sneaks up on you and suddenly i feel like weeping. Its hard to explain.
Misery hovers in the background, but being so active now on Tuesdays and Thursdays keeps her at bay, for now!
I was speaking about Mikey and how long it has been and the person said how quickly that time has gone, and yet for us its a life time and yesterday all in one. My tomorrows are all hurdles to get through and i sit here at night just thinking its another day over. The effort it takes sometimes overwhelms me and i can feel myself inside having a panic, a wishing that i could just run and leave everything behind. I have no plan where i would go, i have no idea the length of time i would be away, maybe only for a minute just to stop that awful sensation, I'm not sure.
I just feel there is something missing, I'm not whole anymore, i have lost my rudder! adrift on the sea of life.
The days i enjoy are so quickly forgotten and there is always something happening that we can relate to Mikey. Last week end it was the Grand National, Mikey always picked a winner or at least in the top 3. This years Grand Prix Mikey would be phoning to talk about the race and Eddie Jordan and David Coulthard! well I don't know what Eddie was wearing this week end but the shirts of his collars were huge!!! Vetel has won two races for Red Bull but i wished it was Mark Webber! Next time i hope!
This coming week end is the Marathon and the next one Easter all times for our family to remember.
My goodness Toms going away on Sunday! i hope he will be OK i worry about him so!
To weight! managed to keep to my points today Yay!!! i hope it lasts.
To bed i think, but before i do a couple of pictures
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| Denver |
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Tim in our garden Why do i take photographs, they are memories of our yesterdays and are a reminder that tomorrow is another day... |
Monday, 11 April 2011
Day 226
Its a quick blog tonight because Harry Potter is out on DVD and i purchased a copy! Mikey really hoped he would be able to see the final part and was so close to getting to see this episode so tonight i am going to watch it for him. We used to go together when he was younger. How many times i would read the book to him, once he was on book 2 he read it himself. I loved them all. Happy memories although he was usually in hospital! he loved having someone read him stories. I am blessed that both boys have my love of reading, a great way to escape the real world. Reading really has been my salvation at times.
Swimming tonight and hoped to gain some activity points, my word i need them. I cant manage the 29 points I'm allowed! hope to improve! Tims been very strict tonight and presented me with an orange for my supper! is that it i thought. Perhaps i will be very grateful to him in a few weeks time!
So a few more memories of our Ritz day when i could indulge!
Jennie with her birthday cake
Our lovely waiter and those cakes!!
I had the chocolate one! just a memory now, the orange seems a bit paltry to end the night on, but ah well tomorrow is another day......................
Swimming tonight and hoped to gain some activity points, my word i need them. I cant manage the 29 points I'm allowed! hope to improve! Tims been very strict tonight and presented me with an orange for my supper! is that it i thought. Perhaps i will be very grateful to him in a few weeks time!
So a few more memories of our Ritz day when i could indulge!
I had the chocolate one! just a memory now, the orange seems a bit paltry to end the night on, but ah well tomorrow is another day......................
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