Its happened again! Two days before i blog. I miss sitting here quietly and just pouring out my thoughts each day. It is certainly a way off off loading and yes to cope with tomorrows.
Its sad i suppose that this is the way i get things sorted out in my mind. There is no pressure in how i word the blog. I don't have to think about what i want to say i just do!
Over the past few hundred days i have bared my soul, i wondered when i started if i would be able to go back on my earlier writings to see far i have come along the grieving process road. I don't feel ready to do that. How odd i thought it would bring relief. Not yet i guess.
I seem to just be putting useless pointless things here these days. Is that because its getting easier. I'm not sure.
This week has been really hard for me. I could and do just weep.
I found myself doing that this morning, whilst talking to a relative who's mother had just died. There i was giving them information, sharing a joke with them, trying to smile and trying to help, yet, i found myself having to leave the room. Looking at their mother lying in her bed, listening to them talking about how her breathing had changed, how they were holding their breaths with hers, reminded me of my bad day.
Its Mikeys birthday on Friday and yes i will blog with great sorrow. I know that now. I am crying as i write.
Yesterday i was so poorly at work. I have never felt like it before. I really thought i was going to pass out. I could feel myself just shaking and about to leave work. Just hand in my keys and walk away. Thank goodness for my wonderful colleagues who knew i was struggling. Maybe a panic attack, i don't know. Why now i asked myself. Tom had come home. I felt such sadness that both my boys were not here with us.
Misery has found me. This time she used stelth! i didn't feel her coming, she enveloped me in her wings of blackness and engulfed me. I had no way of escape and i succumbed to her embrace.
I survived! and here i am tired, yesterday even though i still ran last night. Not well but at least I'm still going.
Tomorrow again and now i have a stop watch! and we may change our route once we know how long it takes to do our distances. We will see.
So i am going to try to have a few minutes with Roger tonight, it may help!!
I will put some photos on tomorrow!!! i just haven't felt like it, in fact i will load them up now ready to post tomorrow night! that's positive.
I have some lanterns to let off Friday night but that's for then, tomorrow is another day...........
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