Day 215

Phew i cant believe its almost 0100hrs  Ive just come in from work.

Today has just been a whirl of activity and no respite to gather breath, and i could have done with a bucket full of that tonight!

I really haven't had a conversation with Tim today and i can feel us having less time than ever before, maybe because I'm doing so much. I just wish i could get home on time! that would make a difference. I must learn to say no, easier said than done, how do you walk away from people you are caring for for. It goes with the territory, but perhaps i should put my coat on at 3 with the hope of walking out of the door at 5pm. Maybe i will try it!

Anyway i got home at 5.45pm and had to leave at 6.15 to run so it was a swift cup of tea a quick chat, Tom phoned his dad and said he wasn't going where the floods are in Thailand and at the moment he was hoping to go as planned for his holiday. Tims sister and husband called round to see Tim this morning! whilst i was at work. That's fine with me and good for Tim.

Picked up my running partner and out till 8pm. Tonight we increased our length and i was puffing like a good one still it was easier on the second group of 5 lamp posts! but we increase the length again on Saturday to 6! now there we may have a problem but i will just have to wait and see.
I ache tonight! we had a lovely 10year old member of the club running towards us and as she passed she said well done keep it up! can you imagine and an 81 year old who put us to shame but the creme on the cake was lovely 71 yr old lady who had had a hip replacement  running by like a teenager! Will i ever get to that stage.
Then just as we were running heard my name called and there sat my dear friend and her hubby getting ready to power walk this evening. Lovely to see her although briefly and hope to see her out there again, next time we will be running a little bit further!!

Well we hope to be ready for the spud run in July!!! 5 miles and a bag of potatoes when we finish cant be bad. Been trying to sort out my sponsorship campaign, Nicks going to help bless him.
Would you believe it i got a call from work whilst running!!! they had tried my on call phone which i left at home and then used my mobile that i always carry. No peace!!!

So been back to work and now I'm off to bed but before i go I'm going to put a couple of photos of Holkam on, they are lovely and who would have though our Norfolk coast could look so spectacular they could easily be mistaken for somewhere abroad and in the month of March. So i was very cross at myself for letting my battery run down!!!

I have been trying for ages to download them but im tired and the computer is so damn slow, so it looks as thoough they will have to wait until i have a little more time and dont have to get up for work, tomorrow is another day!

Day 214

Just finished downloading photos and its taken ages! As its gone 2 am i think i better make this short otherwise i wont get up for work tomorrow.

I had a sense that i was starting to get some control over both me and work today. Goodness its been so long. Still nothing ever happens without reason, or so they say.

Felt rather stiff today following all the exercise yesterday and just crashed on the sofa after work!
Managed to call Linda about next week and we still have not got travel arrangements sorted out yet.
Plenty of time i expect.

So today has gone in a blur although now thinking about starting a just giving site ready for donations/ sponsorship for the run next year. Have to ensure i can raise the money for the charity place. So lots of work to do!

Thailand's having problems and its not long now till Tom goes on holiday, oh dear another worry.

As i said short and sweet tonight but here are some pics of our lovely river Nene.

More tomorrow after all it is another day.....................

Day 213

Horror of horrors i arrived at Holkam all ready, boots on, camera out, only to find i had left it on all night and the battery almost out!! Managed to get to the beach and take a few snaps before it gave up on me. It was a beautiful day to boot!!

So back to the car no point carrying the camera, abandoned baggage and just carried a purse in the pocket.

No toilets at Holkam! unless you walk down the long drive to a cafe!! Must remember to use facilities at Wells next time!!!

Anyway the sun was out and it was glorious we walked, and we walked and we walked some more along the beach. In fact we walked to Wells and it was hard going in the sand i had to take of a couple of layers! Oh for the woodland path next time. Yes there will be a next time because i could have clicked away to my hearts content. Tim had to keep saying that would have been a nice picture! Grrrr

When we reached Wells we decided to go up the sand dunes, my word what a trek, Tim was laughing at me as i was having problems. I developed cramp in my toes!!! nothing as glamorous as a leg muscle cramp, oh no it was toes for me. I ended up taking my boot off and walking a bit without.
Thought me might get a coffee at a cafe. Closed for redecorating. So i spied the Ladies and thought i better go before the long hike back. Would you believe it they were being refurbished and the closest was the harbour. No way! we still had to walk back to Holkam. Woodland walk this time and it was so much easier.

No lunch then!! We decided to try Hunny and we found a lovely cafe for a meal thank goodness i was starving.
Lesson for next time take packed lunch!!!

All in all we had a great day arrived home and got bag out of the car only to find missed message from Ang my cousin who had said if we were in Holkam we could meet up. What a shame!! well i must message her as well tonight.

Home for an hour and then off to run!!! phew.
Joined the athletics club properly now! just think it was only on a trial when i pulled the hamstring. I know i have done just a tad too much today i ache everywhere!!

I'm going to heat up some wheat bags and hope they ease these old muscles of mine, it will soon be Thursday and my next run!
 I have just finished charging my battery and will upload some pictures later well much later, I'm too tired and tomorrow is another day..................

Day 212

Monday and back to work. I decided to brighten myself up and chose to wear red tights with black today! i was making a statement saying hey! look at me I'm fine. Did it work well i don't know.

Catching up from last week took up most of my day and once again its relentless but it does keep the mind occupied so there is little time to think about sad things.
Work does ensure i focus!!

I have changed my last annual leave day of the year, so instead of Wednesday I'm having tomorrow off. The weatherman predicts rain for Wednesday and wind so tomorrow looks as if it will be the last dry day of the month, so here is hoping.
The plan is for us to go to Holkam and see how far we can walk along the beach before the tide turns!!! An opportunity to take more photos! always a positive.

Its not long now before we head off to the Ritz and i cant believe its been over 2 months since we originally planned it!

We went for our walk tonight, making an effort to spend some time together i the evenings, well I'm off running Tuesdays and Thursdays and Swimming Monday and Wednesday. Back swimming next week because i cant go into the water for another week due to the eye surgery.

My long distance vision is fab now but I'm still struggling with needing reading glasses but that will come no doubt!

With the clocks put forward the evenings are much lighter and it does seem that the days are getting longer. With that gives me more time to think about Mikey. Today has been a little easier and although i realise i will have good days and bad sometimes i just cant get my head around it.
I know that i have been a miserable person to be around lately, but the harder i try the worse i am!!! ah well no ones perfect and I'm certainly a long way from being that.

I'm going to try for another reasonable nights sleep and that may have helped contribute to me have been feeling better today. Sleep deprivation? who knows. So i am off to bed and its only 2330hrs! good intentions, but just a minute, isn't the road to hell paved with good intentions? um i will ponder on that thought but not at this minute, however tomorrow is another day................

Day 211

I have been so tired today and i really don't know why. I have found it difficult just putting one foot in front of the other.

I found a thing on my profile that said notes. So i looked and i could also see friends notes, Mikeys came up and i spent the time reading what he said this time last year. How he was frightened about his future, not so much dying but about leaving Claire on her own. About being lonely and laying in bed just thinking all the time. I wish we had known i really do. I wish that i had been able to work the computer better as well then i would have been able to find important information that was there, if only i knew how. But i can't change the past. I so wish i was a magician, but even so that task would be to big for them! After all it's only an illusion isnt it.

This morning Tim asked me what i wanted to do. We are still desperately attempting to fill our days and pass the time of day as quickly as we can. Its an effort!

So i decided to go to Daffodil weekend. Two days where the village open itself to the public, hog roasts, sheepdog trials, Morris dancing etc. Well i have no sense of direction i know we started out well but then i kept falling asleep! Tim wasn't happy and said it was a waste of time coming out if all i was going to do was fall asleep. Valid point but obviously i failed in my attempts to stay awake because the next thing i knew we were in a service station and Tim getting out of the car saying i was to drive.

I hadn't a clue where we were! but rather than say, i headed for the exit joined the busy road somewhere and headed off to goodness knows where!  So there i was merrily driving along hoping against hope i would see a signpost saying something i knew! Tim sitting smugly in the passenger seat asking if i knew where i was going, yes i said we are going to Ely i had just spotted a sign saying Newmarket and Ely.

I managed to get us home anyway.

I then went and exchanged some sun glasses i bought yesterday! When i got them home unbeknown to me i hadn't realised they were mirrored! i looked like a 70,s American policeman!
So i bought two pairs just in case and asked Tim when i got home which looked better! Thankfully not mirrored and i kept them both. Tim thought it may be a good idea if i left a pair in the car! I wonder why.

Managed to persuade Tim to go for a walk before my run! and took some photos down by the river. We met an old friend of his and they spent a while talking about their youth!

Home in time for quick cuppa, my phone rang and my partner called to say she was stuck in traffic at Nuneaten and wouldn't make our run but we would go as usual on Tuesday.

I decided that i really must lose a couple of stones so i made some home made veggie soup. It only took three hours! i am sure i was doing something wrong, i have just tasted it and its fine!

Going to join weight watchers on line tomorrow night. No doubt it will take me ages to work things out on the page, and as i have promised myself an early night i better not get started.

Tom rang and he had missed some calls from another Rail company. Tom had applied for another job closer to home and his phone for some reason hadn't put the calls through. I don't understand what went wrong there but he must get himself a replacement. He will call them tomorrow to see what they wanted. I'm not going to get my hopes up. But it would be fab to have him closer to us.

Well to bed and thank goodness that tomorrow is another day............

Day 210

Its been a hard day today. Maybe its the change in the weather, i don't know.

I have ploughed through today dragging myself up to the end of the day. Waiting for bed but when the time comes, cant sleep anyway.

I am lucky that my friends have not forsaken me. The messages they leave are an inspiration to me to keep going. Lord knows sometimes it would be so easy to crawl under a stone and stay there. That's an easy way out. Why should i be so damned miserable when i have so much going for me. I cant answer that either. I do know that i am not the person i was.

Tim bless him keeps trying and i sometimes wish he wouldn't. Then i would resent it if he didn't. Its a no win situation for him really.

I do think that a mothers love is so different. When my parents died i felt none of the emotions that i have now. When i lost my brother when he was 47 i didn't feel like i do now. I have given it some thought. We grow up having parents in our life from our earliest memories. They are always there for you even when you don't want them to be. Always on the edge of what we are doing. When we meet someone we want to be with our parents get put to the back of our minds, but always there.

The love we have for our partners is something else, this is the person we chose to be with and love. A painful experience and yet so beautiful.
We have children to demonstrate our love for each other, we create a human being. We as mothers nurture their growth, we would fight to the death for them, they are without doubt a part of us and so when we lose our child we lose part of who we are.
It doesn't matter how much we search, that part so very special and unique is lost for ever.

I wish i was a time traveller............ and what would i do. Knowing what i know now?

Ifs, buts and maybes forethought and afterthoughts are wonderful things and our most powerful tormentors.

On that note to bed, tomorrow is another day.................

Day 209

Awoke to the Sunshine again. Lovely to have someone else in the house to think about.

Tom made our morning go very quickly and having someone else to share a meal with was grand.
Managed to get some photos of Toms car again and will try to send them to him, but i really am useless that that type of thing! Mikey used to help me with that although usually after telling me 3-4 times he would give up and tell me to work it out myself! so here i am doing just that.

When Tom left Tim took me out to Thetford for a walk and take some photos i now realise he probably knew how i would feel once Tom had gone, and maybe he even felt the same.

So we went to the woods and we were lucky to see two deer! i managed to get one on film but the other escaped me before i could click!! The sounds in the forest were so peaceful. The bird song carried at great distances. The sun was out and it really was like a summers day.

Home and the daffodils i planted after Mikey passed away are out in the garden in their glory. So bright and you can see them from the lounge, just as i hoped. How strange that when i planted them i thought they would brighten up our days, instead they were such a reminder of those sad days that i cry now when i look at them. Maybe its because i miss Tom so much. Having him here made me miss Mikey so much and i wished they were both with me.

Misery tore into me with a vengeance i could almost hear her mocking my efforts to escape her clutches. A trip to tesco resulted in me filling up at the checkout, i was watching the family in front of me two small children one in the trolley and the other pulling at his brother. I remembered when my boys were small and so wished it was me. How sad is that. So i am sitting here again feeling sorry for myself. I know it wont do but hey! its just the day i guess and it will pass and it will happen again. Still its the unexpected way it attacks that causes the problems.

Mothers day is coming and i will miss Mikeys card and phone call, i suppose that's another reason for feeling sad.

Well i have managed to download some snaps even one of Tom that i had to get by sneaking the camera round the fence.

                                                     Tom

                                             Tim having a quiet moment

                                             The deer is in here!!

                                           The daffs in our garden.

Well I'm going to try and get some photos on face book now, try and cheer up and remember that tomorrow is another day.................