Day 274

Well its getting harder the closer we get to the week end. Odd that a holiday has become in many ways hard to face instead of something to look forward to. Mikey would be so angry that we or I haven't let go yet.

I know now that Mikey had given a lot of thought to what we would do after his death, there i have said it. Is that a first. I think it is. Still not any easier putting it on paper though. I just wish i could honour his wishes. I expect if he can see us now he would be thinking, get a grip mother. It no longer matters to me. That's as it may be but in reality things just don't go according to plan.

Toms here!!! but hes stopping at a friends tonight they are off to Alton Towers tomorrow. I hope he has a really good time! Then the men are golfing on Thursday and Tom is going home on Friday! i hope he can squeeze me in for a while. Still I'm running on Thursday. Oh lord i hope i don't shame myself!! A couple of puffs on the inhaler i think before we set off. We did the route again tonight but it was so hot!!! i run better in the cold! even though i cant stand being cold its perhaps because I'm in a hurry to get warm and have a cup of tea!!!

Had to go back to work tonight to mend a chair, its taken other people two weeks to do it and yet all it needed was a couple of batteries in the box at the back. Men!!!! i do wonder sometimes. Then the phones, staff complaining they are not working and wanting new ones! even i could work out tonight someone had been messing about and all it needed was the bases to be re programmed, by me of all people. The most technophobic person going!!

So no photos and my new CD,s which arrived today i haven't even listened to!
I am now going to watch Panorama on i player. Interesting i understand all work related stuff. Ah well tomorrow is another day.....................

Days 270/271/272/273

Well its 4 days of blogging today!!! i am getting prepared for being off line for two weeks after Friday.

It has been a tough few days. Tim has not been well again! He was woken with a really bad head, he said it was like the time he had a brain hemorrhage! To say i panicked is a minor understatement! Out came the BP machine and to my surprise it was very low!! He didn't want to see a Dr of course!! Tim has already said he does not want to go to hospital again! He doesn't want treatment either. I suppose this could be called an advanced directive!. In my book if he cant say anything he goes!!!!

I cant begin to imagine what my life would be without him as well. I have spent the last few nights with a book so i can hear him if he is unwell. Two nights running he has been having bad dreams and has been calling out in his sleep. Of course he cant recall any of this in the mornings!

Tonight i feel i can sit here with the door closed and hammer away on the key board fairly confident all will be well!  At least tonight I'm not just passing time on facebook.

Tim insists i just carry on and he is fine! So i went running last night and amazed my self that i completed the course for Thursday! ran all the way. Ankle is still very painful when standing or sitting but OK when i run. How odd is that.

We have been for some long walks and have chatted as we walk. Both of us looking forward to getting away from it all.

Work has been tough and this week i expect no different! Perhaps I'm getting old!

I saw sister Joy over the week end. Lovely to see her and we hope to go to Norwich soon to see our cousin. We will arrange it on my return.

Mikey is very much in both our thoughts constantly and we have both said we feel that at any time we can bring him home, call him or have him on line. It doesn't go away. It hasn't changed for us this burning desire to turn back time. Wouldn't it be grand if we could.
Its been almost 10 months and seems like yesterday. Tonight we said that he will always be 25 to us and when asked i still say we have two sons.

Toms coming home tomorrow and hes staying till Friday. I do wish he could find someone else for company. We are certainly coming to terms with our mortality. Tim said that he is pleased that Mikey is here with us and not down Eastwood alone. Tim also wondered what would become of us when we are no longer here.. I said i expect we will all be with Mikey and if Tom never meets anyone ever again, i hope he will be with us too. A family together again. Still you just don't know what the future holds.

Diet continues to go well although yet again i haven't lost a bean! must be doing something wrong. Tims pleased that i have stuck with it and has also said i must carry on whilst away! Tim also said i should get up early and go for a run each day!! Don't think that will happen though!

Having a bank holiday today means that we have short working week so i am going to be hard pushed to get everything sorted for our holidays. Looks like i will be multi tasking.
I have burnt a candle every day since i started this blog i wonder how i will manage when i am away. I think i will ask Diana if she will light one for me. I'm sure she will if she isn't away but i have a feeling we are away together. Ah well i am sure i can work something out.

I have been using a Gaimin hoop and that's so hard!!! but does give a good work out.

Well I'm going to check on Tim and then get ready for bed.

Running tomorrow so i have high hopes of keeping up with some of the more seasoned runners, older ones of course!

Must get my camera unloaded and put on computer and i will share them on here too. That's for later, ah well to bed and tomorrow is another day.......................

Day 268/269

Another two days!! Is it because i don't have the need to blog as often? no in a word its just that I'm so busy that i am on this roller coaster. Time for me is becoming hard to find.
Strange but i know I'm running but i have not been swimming for two weeks! Its almost an effort to have any time with Tim.

Still as my friend said, 'holidays are coming'

Work continues to throw challenges at me and the goal posts are moving constantly. Just by circumstances really. Nothing else.

The ankle is still problematic but easier. It hasn't been too bad tonight after the run so i think keeping it moving is the answer.
First run in the rain tonight. We got the blame for that because we have stopped wearing our light weight jackets. To be honest its because we are working so hard!

Our usual route was open tonight and we made good time and managed to get twenty minutes of running in in a lot less distance. Tonight we think we ran too fast, maybe because it was cold and wet. On top of that i had an asthma attack! i think that was because of the dry weather and then the rain on the foliage caused the problem!
Lesson learned, don't run in areas like that at this time of the year. Its back on the road for us.
The race next week is on that route though so we had hoped to get the practice in, even if just to show we are not doing to badly. We will have to wait and see.

I was going back to work tonight but i had second thoughts and phoned instead and asked the staff to come and see me during my working hours. Sometimes i think i try to help them to much and it only gets me behind. So i have made a decision! no more.

How odd that again this time of the year we are having problems with the ash clouds! same time last year. Mikey was staying with us whilst Claire was on holiday. Mikey said she needed it because she had had a bad year!  On her return she decided that she wanted to separate!
It was downhill all the way for Mikey then. He was admitted to hospital and he told us two days before we went away. We are having the same two weeks so next week that will be a year.
Mikey then spent most of the next few months in hospital until we lost him. How very sad.
Memories are for me quite hard at the moment and i think i am angry. Not that they separated, it happens in relationships but i suppose it was the timing especially as they both knew he was so ill. Ah well its in the past. Next year may not be so hard. Its all the firsts that's the most painful, knowing now that we are heading towards August.

Enough of that for now! must keep moving forwards, and after all tomorrow is another day.

Day 266/267

Well yet again missed yesterday! I had to do night visit and didn't get home very early.

The ankle was misery Sunday and Monday and i was really getting worried that i would be unable to run on Tuesday. Plenty of ice packs etc and walking better by Monday evening. I found keeping moving was better. So we went for a walk Monday evening and then watched a film! Yep another one.

Today the ankle was much better and by this evening i felt reasonably OK.
We set off only to find our usual route had been sealed of due to an incident! all taped off. We thought OK we will just keep going. My word we did. Out on the public highway and we ran for 3 miles!!
Although we did walk up the hill! over the railway bridge. Still all in all a good effort and i even missed the gate to the club house!!!
Once we had had our cup of tea the ankle had ceased, i made it outside without limping! One of the runners fell whilst out and had cut his head, grazed his knee and cut his fingers! a warning to be careful on the paths.

We are looking forward to Thursday if i can get the ankle OK by then, again! Just got to keep going.
A proper run next week! i hope we do OK just to finish would be good! Ah well a few more outings before then.

Continue with the diet and am doing OK with that. Tim's surprised I'm sticking to it!!

Oh i saw Tims sister tonight, and as expected i was blanked. What a shame but I'm not losing any sleep over it.

Tomorrow i wont be able to come home for lunch! managers meeting. Thursday should be able to catch up! Friday off to a hospice to do assessment and I'm taking a student nurse with me. I hope she finds it useful. So i am now going to watch the Girl who kicked the hornets nest! with an ice pack for company.

Toms home next week and i wonder what he will think about my race! ha its strange to be doing all this now at my age. I hope only to think that Mikey would be quietly proud of me. I'm not sure what he would be saying. Still it keeps me going and has given me a new interest and an opportunity to meet some really nice people.

So to bed with my film! Tomorrow is another day.................

Day 264/265

Busy week end. Managed to get our plants in the garden. The area outside Mikeys room looks fab. Still no rain!

Yesterday we achieved so much and then went for a 2 hour walk. Problem was i wore the wrong shoes! and could really feel that i had strained the ankle again. Hoped all would be well for the run on Sunday.

Weight watchers continues to go well and i am managing to keep to my points. I don't think i will have lost weight this week but still feel really positive. I am going to stick with it.

Early night as i had to get up!!

Managed to get up early and was feeling good. The sun was out and it was a great time to run.
Today we really made good time and ran for further than we had done before.I felt that i still had more to give. That is until i sat in the car, got out at home and wow! i couldn't put weight on my foot. So its been ice packs and anti inflammatory tabs all day in the hope it will be OK for Tuesday. What ever happens I'm not going to take time off now! We are making great strides forward.
Sues hips had been painful and she wasn't sure if she would make today so between us we are having a few issues. Better now though.
We have a run on 3rd of June a 3k so we want to be able to do that. Then a 5k in July and 10k in October we also think we may go and try half marathon in Dec but that's in Spain!!! One problem, i don't have a passport. Oops.

So Mikey your poor old Mum continues to try! and I'm not giving up and no complaints of pain. I'm just working through it.
I now realise the struggle you had and how incredibly strong and brave you were. Yep brave even though you always said you wasn't. It was about choice, that's what you said. How you live your life.
We are trying Mikey, we just haven't got the hang of it yet but we are giving it our best shot.

It will soon be the beginning of another week, time is passing by. That's all its doing at the moment. I expect it will do so for some considerable time to come. Maybe that's what we have to come to terms with.

So i better try and rest this foot ready for Tuesday in the meantime tomorrow is another day................

Day 262/263

Well what can i say. I was so tired after my run yesterday that i fell into bed early! Yes i know how unusual. The run went well although i ache all over. My legs are the worse!! Hope that will improve.

So yesterday just went by without too much of a problem.

Today i had a half day!! and it was lovely! Tim and i spent a bit of time that wasn't rushed.
We went shopping and yes i had to buy something. Some lovely white linen trousers and a pair of purple 3/4 trousers for my holidays and.... books. I have stocked up so that's me sorted!!

I have my Gaiam hoop thanks to Sharon so i will be trying to squeeze in a bit more exercise! I really should be fit as a butchers dog!!

Went to Bay Tree and bought a load of plants to put in the garden. Tim said Mikeys piece wants brightening up. So in the morning lots of plants to go in.

Tonight we went for a good walk by the river and then got film to watch.
Neither of us thought it was that good, very slow.
Been late night shopping at Tesco and have just done some virtual gardening!

I am really trying to keep busy otherwise i will be haunted by memories of last year and i really want to keep those at bay.
So for tonight I'm going to heat my wheat bag get a cup of green tea and have a read before sleep, lovely day but tomorrow is another day.................

Day 261

9months, where has the time gone. Hard to believe Mikey has been gone that long. The blog has sure helped i do know that. I would recommend anyone doing one if they have lost a loved one. I cant look back though and i thought i would. Maybe in time or maybe i will just keep going on this road. Its often hard. I remember Mikeys favourite quote about the road out of hell is long and hard.......... i guess i am still at the start of my journey.

Today was good for me in a way. Dr really pleased with my blood results. It would appear the exercise and weight loss are paying dividends. So i will keep up with both!!! I was told i was looking the best i have been for a long time. Maybe that cream is working! mind you i ache all over.

I have just watched the Black Swan. I couldn't really make much of it! and to think my choice of careers was ballet dancer or Nurse. Glad i chose the latter!! i would have been the Sugar Plump Fairy!!! definitely do not have the body for it! I didn't grow tall enough! that's my excuse.

Tim seems cheerful and has been gardening.
I went out of the door this morning to find a baby bird sitting on a rung of our car port!! took some snaps will try to put them on tomorrow. How he ended perched on there is any ones guess, he was tweeting for his mum no doubt.

Bought the final film in a trilogy i have been watching The girl who Kicked the Hornets Nest so maybe i will indulge myself again with a film this week.
I have a half day on Friday, time owing so hopefully we will get out somewhere.

Heard from my sisters today which was good. After Tom phoned last night i felt better, especially hearing him sound so positive. Toms coming down for a few days before we go on holiday and has said he will perhaps get a game of golf in with his Dad. I expect we will play when we are away. I wonder if i will be better now i have had my eyes done. Just a thought.

Right to bed then, i can hear it calling. Another good read before sleep i hope and then
Tomorrow, its another day........................