Day 310- 314

I know the dates of the blog do not seem to follow but i made a mistake with the day number on 4th July and i don't seem to be able to change it. So yes this is the right day and there are no gaps!!! Well i never said i was perfect.

Its been one hell of a week so far and today has to have been the worst!

So, whats happened, well work has been a relentless beast and sometimes i have to wonder if its all worth it. The world has gone mad, when one thing changes it just has this rebounding effect. No matter how you try there seems to be no room to catch up. I really think that if i was to do 24 hrs every day there would always be something not done, but perhaps not in the volume. Maybe.

Yes i know I'm doing a lot in the evenings but if only i could get away on time, that would make a huge difference. It seems to be rush rush rush. That's on top of having the new pup.

My emotions at the moment are in over drive. I could weep at the drop of a hat and have done so. I miss Mikey so very much, i can see him now walking through the back door, leaning for a rest against the work top. I can see him in hospital going off to theatre and i can see him coming back. I feel the loss as much now as then, it hasn't changed.

Oh i can numb the pain by pretending all is well but its so tiring living a pretence. So bone weary tiring.The constant inner turmoil just to get out of bed in the mornings and the dread of getting into bed at night.

The pup has made such a difference to Tim, he is smiling and has plenty to say and do now. That's a joy for me to see. It hurts just to pet and reassure the pup when he wants attention. It reminds me of stroking Mikey in that damn hospital bed. Helpless and not being able to have my baby back. I cant accept his death. I know he isn't here but i just like to think that hes away and i haven't seen him for a while. It really does seem just like yesterday that we said see you later to him. Is that a way of coping. Is that life. Am i going mad. Maybe, maybe.

I read somewhere recently that... 'There is no easy way to love- the consequence of loving is to suffer.' How many would agree to that.

I suppose i ought to make this blog cheerful somehow, but i damn well don't feel like it today. I want to wallow in self pity and misery. Shes won, i give in, Misery can have what there is left of me and welcome. Let her feast, she will banquet tonight. But tomorrow, well, its another day.