Do i feel better today? no not really.
Just wish i could get myself out of this bad place, maybe tomorrow!
Effort, that's what today has been about and i just haven't managed it. I think sometimes its easier just to fold yourself up into the smallest piece and hope that no one notices you. That way you can observe life from this very small perspective.
That's what i need at the moment a narrow view of whats going on around me. Focus on only what i can see. Focus only on who i am talking to and hang the rest.
What is it about human nature that when you do your best for them they turn and attack! lord only knows life is too short for them to be so mean. Ah well , lesson 1, think of yourself, Lesson 2 think of yourself some more. Lesson 3, tell them you are thinking about yourself. Lesson 4, a vacuum. Lesson 5, try to remember there are some really nice people out there.
Lesson 5. There really are some nice people and i am grateful.
I have spent most of the day with a headache, the result of yesterday i think. Poor Tim he is so considerate and he has been keeping Duke busy all day. Duke, I'm sure has been here before he is so knowing. Quick learner and follows Tims every move!
I really hate feeling as i do today, i wish i could step out of myself and leave the miserable person behind. That's not going to happen, looks like I'm stuck with myself, how depressing. I'm rambling tonight, that's how my mind is working, flitting from one thought to the next. Concentration shot.
Misery has been tenatious with her attacks, she has been in stealth mode. I was unaware how close she was. Over the past 11 months we had formed an understanding and she knew when i was learning her tactics. Misery plays dirty and not by any rules. How sad that i didn't realise that. Misery has become stronger whilst my defences have been down, can i learn quickly enough so that i am not consumed by her. Shes winning at the moment and.... i don't really care.
I should get a grip, but I'm not sure that i can be bothered.
The one good thing about blogging is that its OK to talk to yourself, you can say what you want and in the manner you want with out causing offence to anyone. Not having to think what you say before you say it is a wonderful thing to be able to do. I may look back and randomly chose this blog to read and think to myself, goodness was i really like that, on the other hand i may decide that things haven't changed much, ah well that's for then and this is for now.
I wonder what a shrink would think if they could read this, probably lock me up for a while. But that thought just proved a point, this is my space and i can say what i like, no judgements, no questions to answer and no explanations about my feelings. No analysis, thank goodness.
Do i feel better now, yes i believe i do, what a worrying thought! i can make sense of madness.
Lets hope my next blog is more cheerful and less narcissistic. We can hope. After all, tomorrow is another day
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