9 days!!! i feel as if i have lost my best friend by not blogging. I feel as if i have been robbed of all contact with anyone friendly!!
How bad is that.
When Mikey died i felt dreadful and now i just feel really fed up and disillusioned.
I have so tried to put things into perspective and have failed miserably. I gave up some leave to help out a colleague only to discover that i really should not have bothered! as in the grand scheme of things i may as well have taken it. This week i have been told i cant take the leave i have booked for this week!
I have had a spa day booked with my sisters. Its Lin's birthday and now i will not be able to go. All because of other peoples actions. Yet again paying the costs of someone else actions.
This week my place of work has been invaded by loads of strangers and i feel like a vagrant! no place to call my own! I have had to perform some unpleasant tasks and that is never easy.
I have hardly been home for nearly two weeks and Tim told me to take the keys! as he cant recall when i got home as planned and that we are having separate lives. Well that much is true. As i said i hoped to have a few days together and nope!!! not to be.
Even sitting here now i feel like i am rushing. I am trying to get to bed!!
For the last week i have not laid my head down till 4 am and up again at 7am
Duke has been unwell and now had two trips to the vets and another due on Friday, that's a worry, we are not too sure what the problem is.
I have the Olympic stadium run coming up and i am not having time to enjoy the thoughts of that.
My running buddy is still not fit and its been hard without her, but she is hoping to return soon.
Running has been OK and that has been a place where i can get rid of some of my frustrations, although that hasn't really worked either!
At the moment i look about 90 years of age and barely recognise the person looking back at me in the mirror, that is scary!! Splitting headache and pins and needles in my hands because i havent had my tablets properly. Best take them!
So on that night I'm going to bed and just remember that tomorrow is another day
Monday, 20 February 2012
Saturday, 11 February 2012
Day 579/580/581
Misery has had a hand I'm sure in the last few days. I have just felt so low in mood and then things have kicked off at W!!!!
What started as a day with me in a positive mood ended in despair and confusion. I have had to do something very unpleasant today and really need to man up or i wont last the course!! Didn't leave w till after 6 so was too late for a run, and then had to return for night visit and didn't get home till 3 am!! Thick snow and freezing fog. I knew that Friday would be tough but was feeling fairly confident that it would go well.
I should have known better. I must have this huge invisible sign hanging over my head that says, these shoulders are broad deliver all your s... here. That's how it felt.
The day just got worse and by the time i left i was in a state of utter lack of faith in the human race. I really do wonder why people have to behave in the ways they do, where is kindness and compassion these days.
Tim has been very supportive and when i got home he even said he would come for a run with me although he would be on a bike!!
So i thought i would go back to W on Saturday and try to make Monday a bit easier. That didn't happen!!!
Minus 12 this morning and we decided to go for a walk!! it was so cold although Duke loved it. The world was an eerie place today, so silent and still a complete white out with the freezing fog.
The sun came out a little later in the day.
Tom visited and was so positive it lighted my life a little to see him happier that the last two years.
I decide to go for a run in case tomorrow is another day of being snowed in. I need to get my miles in otherwise i will not be ft to do the marathon.
I told Tom i would run to his and back home. I did!!! he was surprised, in fact i surprised myself. 5.3 miles in an hour on dodgy paths! not sure how the legs will be tomorrow but must keep pushing now.
Toms coming to lunch tomorrow which will be lovely!!
Had a bit of a shock tonight!! i have been listening to music all night as Tim has been watching the sport, Rugby!!! anyway i sat here in Mikeys room at the computer, Duke is always interested and watches from the other side of the gate which is in the kitchen.
The ipod was in shuffle mode so i had no idea what would be playing next and i had my earphones on. The ipod started to play The art of Balance by AFI Mikeys favourite band.
I heard a noise in my left ear and felt a warmth! Duke had come into the room! don't know how he managed it took one look at me, poked me with his nose, jumped on Mikeys bed picked up one of the soft toys and went!! Uncanny . Tim wanted to know why i had opened the gate!!! ha not me and apparently not Tim, i have my doubts i wonder if he forgot! Still Dukes back on the other side watching me yet again, the gates shut i checked!!
Well i better get to bed i have to get up early for the run and i am feeling a lot better now that i did when i first started to write but i must remember that Tomorrow is another day..............
What started as a day with me in a positive mood ended in despair and confusion. I have had to do something very unpleasant today and really need to man up or i wont last the course!! Didn't leave w till after 6 so was too late for a run, and then had to return for night visit and didn't get home till 3 am!! Thick snow and freezing fog. I knew that Friday would be tough but was feeling fairly confident that it would go well.
I should have known better. I must have this huge invisible sign hanging over my head that says, these shoulders are broad deliver all your s... here. That's how it felt.
The day just got worse and by the time i left i was in a state of utter lack of faith in the human race. I really do wonder why people have to behave in the ways they do, where is kindness and compassion these days.
Tim has been very supportive and when i got home he even said he would come for a run with me although he would be on a bike!!
So i thought i would go back to W on Saturday and try to make Monday a bit easier. That didn't happen!!!
Minus 12 this morning and we decided to go for a walk!! it was so cold although Duke loved it. The world was an eerie place today, so silent and still a complete white out with the freezing fog.
The sun came out a little later in the day.
Tom visited and was so positive it lighted my life a little to see him happier that the last two years.
I decide to go for a run in case tomorrow is another day of being snowed in. I need to get my miles in otherwise i will not be ft to do the marathon.
I told Tom i would run to his and back home. I did!!! he was surprised, in fact i surprised myself. 5.3 miles in an hour on dodgy paths! not sure how the legs will be tomorrow but must keep pushing now.
Toms coming to lunch tomorrow which will be lovely!!
Had a bit of a shock tonight!! i have been listening to music all night as Tim has been watching the sport, Rugby!!! anyway i sat here in Mikeys room at the computer, Duke is always interested and watches from the other side of the gate which is in the kitchen.
The ipod was in shuffle mode so i had no idea what would be playing next and i had my earphones on. The ipod started to play The art of Balance by AFI Mikeys favourite band.
I heard a noise in my left ear and felt a warmth! Duke had come into the room! don't know how he managed it took one look at me, poked me with his nose, jumped on Mikeys bed picked up one of the soft toys and went!! Uncanny . Tim wanted to know why i had opened the gate!!! ha not me and apparently not Tim, i have my doubts i wonder if he forgot! Still Dukes back on the other side watching me yet again, the gates shut i checked!!
Well i better get to bed i have to get up early for the run and i am feeling a lot better now that i did when i first started to write but i must remember that Tomorrow is another day..............
Wednesday, 8 February 2012
Day 576/577/578
So the mood of positivity didn't last! Why am i not surprised.
Started last night with my run i think. It was cold and as the snow was still lying around we ran down near the prison!! i was running alone as Sue has still not returned to fitness. In fact her hip is really giving her some problems i do wonder if it is her sciatic nerve! lets hope not. I remember my injuries last year and i missed so much time! Scans for Sue next week and then we may have some idea of whats happening. It was lonely running alone still i ran 5.6 miles and was fairly OK.
Went to London today! what an experience we got rather lost!!! and spent 5 hours trying to get to our destination! and did we see some sights. We passed Wembley stadium, Clappham common, Putney cant remember half of the towns or boroughs we went through, got on the ring road! we were late getting to the conference by 2 hours. We had set off at 0630hrs this morning!!
Palliative care. That was the mistake, it put me into a very thoughtful mood.
Coming home we came a different route! passing through the Dartford tunnel and past the O2 stadium which reminded me of Mikey and his visit to see Queen tribute band, i would think that would have been one of his last trips out really and then he wasn't 100%
We then passed Romford and a flood of memories came back. The last time i travelled that road was after taking Mikey's ashes up to Claire and the horror of that day.
I stall cannot comprehend the behaviour of her Father that day and indeed her hers. I image the trauma i experienced will haunt me forever. I wonder if he has peace of mind, i hope not!!
When i got home well things went from bad to worse and i honestly feel like throwing in the towel!
Misery has been on the hunt and found me when my defences were down and has smothered me in her cloak of despair and here i am wallowing!.
Sometimes when the days are dark its a struggle to claw my way out to the light there seems no purpose in living. If it wasn't for Tom i would question what i am doing, just passing time. No joy in the world.
Lord if i wasn't feeling depressed when i started writing tonight i surely do now..
I cant think i will just go to bed and hope i can sleep to escape from this place and then maybe tomorrow will be another day...........
Started last night with my run i think. It was cold and as the snow was still lying around we ran down near the prison!! i was running alone as Sue has still not returned to fitness. In fact her hip is really giving her some problems i do wonder if it is her sciatic nerve! lets hope not. I remember my injuries last year and i missed so much time! Scans for Sue next week and then we may have some idea of whats happening. It was lonely running alone still i ran 5.6 miles and was fairly OK.
Went to London today! what an experience we got rather lost!!! and spent 5 hours trying to get to our destination! and did we see some sights. We passed Wembley stadium, Clappham common, Putney cant remember half of the towns or boroughs we went through, got on the ring road! we were late getting to the conference by 2 hours. We had set off at 0630hrs this morning!!
Palliative care. That was the mistake, it put me into a very thoughtful mood.
Coming home we came a different route! passing through the Dartford tunnel and past the O2 stadium which reminded me of Mikey and his visit to see Queen tribute band, i would think that would have been one of his last trips out really and then he wasn't 100%
We then passed Romford and a flood of memories came back. The last time i travelled that road was after taking Mikey's ashes up to Claire and the horror of that day.
I stall cannot comprehend the behaviour of her Father that day and indeed her hers. I image the trauma i experienced will haunt me forever. I wonder if he has peace of mind, i hope not!!
When i got home well things went from bad to worse and i honestly feel like throwing in the towel!
Misery has been on the hunt and found me when my defences were down and has smothered me in her cloak of despair and here i am wallowing!.
Sometimes when the days are dark its a struggle to claw my way out to the light there seems no purpose in living. If it wasn't for Tom i would question what i am doing, just passing time. No joy in the world.
Lord if i wasn't feeling depressed when i started writing tonight i surely do now..
I cant think i will just go to bed and hope i can sleep to escape from this place and then maybe tomorrow will be another day...........
Sunday, 5 February 2012
Day 571/572/573/574/575
Just to remind anyone reading. check out the justgiving site sue-ward2 team sue sue!!! remember its for CF unit at Papworth and I'm running a marathon in May!
What a week!!! lots to say and i am feeling fairly positive, now that is a bit worrying.
Wednesday, up very early and headed for Oxford and the annual conference! The highlight of the day was indeed Will Carling who certainly lifted the mood of the day! Nothing surprising over the two days but was very tired. I think it was probably the lack of sleep, the talks! and the volume of people in one room.
Still we managed to get home before dark on the Thursday but i didn't run i was much too exhausted!
We managed to get lost several times on the way home even using a Tom Tom! must be me.
Will Carling (ex England Rugby Captain) and me
W on Friday and the day just flew barely enough hours in the day and next week i have to go to London for the day and the next week two days training again! the miles we travel and the time out of the office which is a problem to re coop! ah well.
I had good plans for the week end and was looking forward to the Sunday run, now that was a mistake!
Had a lie in Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon out visiting my lovely niece and a walk into town. Goodness it was so cold. Icy and the wind was cruel. Managed to get out for another walk in the evening with Tim and Duke.
Lots of news from friends who are in the Olympic stadium run, all are getting their training in, putting me to shame.
Sue bless her has been to the Dr's and has damaged some muscles around the pelvic area and hip/buttocks! and cant run for another week!
And then............ it snowed last night and boy did it snow. Poor Duke refused to come out of the house! he had not seen snow before and really didn't like it.
Got up good time this morning ready to run and opened the curtains. Gulp!!!!! never seen so much snow here. We had drifts of the white stuff in the garden and down the drive. I did walk to the top of the drive but no chance of running today. As i was up though we got wrapped up and headed for the fields. It was so white!!! and i had problems just walking on the paths.
Duke was in his element running all over, everywhere was so quiet and still, but warmer, the earth had her winter coat on and she looked glorious. Managed to get some lovely photos and i will try and post them on here tomorrow. The computer is so slow! must get it looked at again.
Tom popped down in his Capri! after we had cleared the drive. Next door came out to help and then the lads on the other side helped as well. Certainly better for Tom when he turned up. It was really bad at Westry so he had to take it steady.
Tom then offered to take me up to Tesco!!!! what a white knuckle ride, swinging and sliding all over the place and then we got stuck!!! eventually managed to move but i thought i would walk the 3.5.miles home!!! well not a very good idea. Once the snow started to seep through he boots i knew it would be miserable, so next stop bought some wellies! put them on in the shop and headed home, with drier feet, wet socks and footwear in bag!
Another walk tonight across the fields in the dark, except it was as bright as day. The snow enabled us to see for miles!
Today!
Now snug in the home with heating and thermal pj's.
We have said today how we have missed Mikey and wished he was here today, Tim said not how he was Sue. I said i would like here here no matter what and Tim said that was selfish because we now know how he must have been suffering. Maybe that's right and i am selfish and i would like him back but healthy, but that's not going to happen is it?
Time has passed but it may as well as been yesterday that we last saw him and still the good memories are not here yet! of course we talk about happy times but it just makes you realise what we are missing. Our family is incomplete.
Must be more positive!! ah well tomorrow is another day..........................
What a week!!! lots to say and i am feeling fairly positive, now that is a bit worrying.
Wednesday, up very early and headed for Oxford and the annual conference! The highlight of the day was indeed Will Carling who certainly lifted the mood of the day! Nothing surprising over the two days but was very tired. I think it was probably the lack of sleep, the talks! and the volume of people in one room.
Still we managed to get home before dark on the Thursday but i didn't run i was much too exhausted!
We managed to get lost several times on the way home even using a Tom Tom! must be me.
W on Friday and the day just flew barely enough hours in the day and next week i have to go to London for the day and the next week two days training again! the miles we travel and the time out of the office which is a problem to re coop! ah well.
I had good plans for the week end and was looking forward to the Sunday run, now that was a mistake!
Had a lie in Saturday morning and then spent the afternoon out visiting my lovely niece and a walk into town. Goodness it was so cold. Icy and the wind was cruel. Managed to get out for another walk in the evening with Tim and Duke.
Lots of news from friends who are in the Olympic stadium run, all are getting their training in, putting me to shame.
Sue bless her has been to the Dr's and has damaged some muscles around the pelvic area and hip/buttocks! and cant run for another week!
And then............ it snowed last night and boy did it snow. Poor Duke refused to come out of the house! he had not seen snow before and really didn't like it.
Got up good time this morning ready to run and opened the curtains. Gulp!!!!! never seen so much snow here. We had drifts of the white stuff in the garden and down the drive. I did walk to the top of the drive but no chance of running today. As i was up though we got wrapped up and headed for the fields. It was so white!!! and i had problems just walking on the paths.
Duke was in his element running all over, everywhere was so quiet and still, but warmer, the earth had her winter coat on and she looked glorious. Managed to get some lovely photos and i will try and post them on here tomorrow. The computer is so slow! must get it looked at again.
Tom popped down in his Capri! after we had cleared the drive. Next door came out to help and then the lads on the other side helped as well. Certainly better for Tom when he turned up. It was really bad at Westry so he had to take it steady.
Tom then offered to take me up to Tesco!!!! what a white knuckle ride, swinging and sliding all over the place and then we got stuck!!! eventually managed to move but i thought i would walk the 3.5.miles home!!! well not a very good idea. Once the snow started to seep through he boots i knew it would be miserable, so next stop bought some wellies! put them on in the shop and headed home, with drier feet, wet socks and footwear in bag!
Another walk tonight across the fields in the dark, except it was as bright as day. The snow enabled us to see for miles!
Now snug in the home with heating and thermal pj's.
We have said today how we have missed Mikey and wished he was here today, Tim said not how he was Sue. I said i would like here here no matter what and Tim said that was selfish because we now know how he must have been suffering. Maybe that's right and i am selfish and i would like him back but healthy, but that's not going to happen is it?
Time has passed but it may as well as been yesterday that we last saw him and still the good memories are not here yet! of course we talk about happy times but it just makes you realise what we are missing. Our family is incomplete.
Must be more positive!! ah well tomorrow is another day..........................
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Day 564/565/566/567/568/569/570
A whole week! I so wanted to make sure i began to blog in a positive manner so here goes nothing!
W, word i have decided to just go with the flow, OK so the tide is out but hey ho even i can deal with that at the moment.
Lots of things have happened lots of thought going into resolving issues and blinkers have definitely been removed! Off to Oxford in the morning for our annual conference, guest speaker Will Carling that should be interesting! how to Rugby tackle the boss into submission. Well it would be worth a try.
Don't like going away and i can never work the shower in these hotels! call it my rustic living but i usually end up having a bath only to get out put my hand on a tap or something and. yep the shower comes on. Ah well it makes life a little interesting.
Running is going well. We went on Thursday with the plan of doing all the Thursday route, Sue had a sore hip so we only did a short one, and hoped all would be good for Sunday a do another 7 mile run so Sue could get some miles in.
Sue phoned on Saturday to say she was in a lot of pain and would give running a miss for week to see how things go. I do hope it will be OK.
I took Friday off and Tim and i took Duke down to the coast. We had a lovely long walk and time to talk, no w word mentioned. The weekend was very restful and i had a sense of achievement
Sunday was really cold, frosty but sunny in the morning but got up early for my run. Keith took me and Luke out with him and i cant believe we did 8.5 miles!! and it took an hour and a half. Good going for me. I was really pleased with my self.
Monday it was my physio visit and i was a little worried because the ankle was a bit sore and i just hoped the longer runs are not doing me any harm.
Alix was pleased with the foot and left the strapping off the outer side of the foot and just taped the inner one to support the ligaments on the inside of the foot as they have been working so hard for the past few months. Still got to continue with the exercises and the wobble board to strengthen up the muscles.
Tuesday i had to go and do some more training! and then running tonight. Yippee it was another good one. I have to confess thought hat i could have given in at the 2 mile stage! and the 3 mile stage but just kept thinking of Mikey and that kept me going. 5.75 miles tonight on a training run. That's good and i don't stop at all now. Keith yet again supported me and almost dragged me home with his verbal support!! Boy am i tired though, I'm quite happy to skip Thursday this week, naughty i know but i don't think i will be home in time so it will be another long run with Keith on Sunday.
I have started a just giving page so i hope if anyone does read my blog will wander over there and make a donation and support me with the marathon. All proceeds to Papworth Hospital Cystic Fibrosis Unit. I hope to raise £2012 i know its a strange amount but its the same number as this year. Mikey so desperately wanted to be here for the Olympics.
Oh lord its not long now till i run in the Olympic Stadium run its really exciting and what a wonderful opportunity. Mikey would i hope be a little bit proud of me. At least he will be telling his friends he knows someone who's doing it!! So if you can see anything in the world down here Mikey drop in on the day!!!
www.Justgiving.com sue-ward2 and my page is called team sue sue
Well i better get some sleep I'm up in 3 hours!!! and don't want to fall asleep mid conference!! ah well tomorrow is another day
W, word i have decided to just go with the flow, OK so the tide is out but hey ho even i can deal with that at the moment.
Lots of things have happened lots of thought going into resolving issues and blinkers have definitely been removed! Off to Oxford in the morning for our annual conference, guest speaker Will Carling that should be interesting! how to Rugby tackle the boss into submission. Well it would be worth a try.
Don't like going away and i can never work the shower in these hotels! call it my rustic living but i usually end up having a bath only to get out put my hand on a tap or something and. yep the shower comes on. Ah well it makes life a little interesting.
Running is going well. We went on Thursday with the plan of doing all the Thursday route, Sue had a sore hip so we only did a short one, and hoped all would be good for Sunday a do another 7 mile run so Sue could get some miles in.
Sue phoned on Saturday to say she was in a lot of pain and would give running a miss for week to see how things go. I do hope it will be OK.
I took Friday off and Tim and i took Duke down to the coast. We had a lovely long walk and time to talk, no w word mentioned. The weekend was very restful and i had a sense of achievement
Sunday was really cold, frosty but sunny in the morning but got up early for my run. Keith took me and Luke out with him and i cant believe we did 8.5 miles!! and it took an hour and a half. Good going for me. I was really pleased with my self.
Monday it was my physio visit and i was a little worried because the ankle was a bit sore and i just hoped the longer runs are not doing me any harm.
Alix was pleased with the foot and left the strapping off the outer side of the foot and just taped the inner one to support the ligaments on the inside of the foot as they have been working so hard for the past few months. Still got to continue with the exercises and the wobble board to strengthen up the muscles.
Tuesday i had to go and do some more training! and then running tonight. Yippee it was another good one. I have to confess thought hat i could have given in at the 2 mile stage! and the 3 mile stage but just kept thinking of Mikey and that kept me going. 5.75 miles tonight on a training run. That's good and i don't stop at all now. Keith yet again supported me and almost dragged me home with his verbal support!! Boy am i tired though, I'm quite happy to skip Thursday this week, naughty i know but i don't think i will be home in time so it will be another long run with Keith on Sunday.
I have started a just giving page so i hope if anyone does read my blog will wander over there and make a donation and support me with the marathon. All proceeds to Papworth Hospital Cystic Fibrosis Unit. I hope to raise £2012 i know its a strange amount but its the same number as this year. Mikey so desperately wanted to be here for the Olympics.
Oh lord its not long now till i run in the Olympic Stadium run its really exciting and what a wonderful opportunity. Mikey would i hope be a little bit proud of me. At least he will be telling his friends he knows someone who's doing it!! So if you can see anything in the world down here Mikey drop in on the day!!!
www.Justgiving.com sue-ward2 and my page is called team sue sue
Well i better get some sleep I'm up in 3 hours!!! and don't want to fall asleep mid conference!! ah well tomorrow is another day
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Day 562/563
Only two days well that is an improvement. Went shopping late last night so no blog.
I seem to have had a grasp on things the last two days well regarding the w word other than that well things have been rather frosty, but i may have detected a slight thaw tonight thanks to Tom coming round this evening for his washing!!
It has been a miserable day today that horrid clingy rain, not hard just like a mist. Running tonight was a wet affair!
I managed to get home in time to do a few exercises before the run as my legs still ached after Sunday. That's usual for me now but i felt i needed to run through the aches if i could.
So off we went me in the front again, next time I'm going to follow someone and not be in the front!!!
5.64 miles yippee completed the Tuesday run for the second time only!!! Now for Thursday we need to get that one under our belts next!! That's if we go the right way.
We had a cup of tea and a chat and were told how we are improving!! and then Sue lost her car keys. We took a while looking for them to no avail. One of the senior runners said are they in your pocket, so Sue looked and said no, the next question was would it help if you were wearing your jacket, well we looked down and i had Sues on and she had mine!!! well not only do we get lost on the routes we cant even dress appropriately and they had our names on them!!
We seem to bring a little light entertainment to the club anyway!!
Well i best get some sleep, blood taking refresher course in the morning and have to travel
Tonight i feel a bit better and seem to be seeing the wood for the trees and so i will go to sleep in a positive mood, but tomorrow is another day.............
I seem to have had a grasp on things the last two days well regarding the w word other than that well things have been rather frosty, but i may have detected a slight thaw tonight thanks to Tom coming round this evening for his washing!!
It has been a miserable day today that horrid clingy rain, not hard just like a mist. Running tonight was a wet affair!
I managed to get home in time to do a few exercises before the run as my legs still ached after Sunday. That's usual for me now but i felt i needed to run through the aches if i could.
So off we went me in the front again, next time I'm going to follow someone and not be in the front!!!
5.64 miles yippee completed the Tuesday run for the second time only!!! Now for Thursday we need to get that one under our belts next!! That's if we go the right way.
We had a cup of tea and a chat and were told how we are improving!! and then Sue lost her car keys. We took a while looking for them to no avail. One of the senior runners said are they in your pocket, so Sue looked and said no, the next question was would it help if you were wearing your jacket, well we looked down and i had Sues on and she had mine!!! well not only do we get lost on the routes we cant even dress appropriately and they had our names on them!!
We seem to bring a little light entertainment to the club anyway!!
Well i best get some sleep, blood taking refresher course in the morning and have to travel
Tonight i feel a bit better and seem to be seeing the wood for the trees and so i will go to sleep in a positive mood, but tomorrow is another day.............
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Day 518/519/560/561
Another 4 days and I'm not going to talk about work. Why because its so depressing.
It has been a very odd few days, Tim and i have certainly not been ourselves and i wonder if its my fault.
Things have changed between us and its been happening over the last year or so. Things don't change do they? no its people that change so i guess that's me then. We just cant seem to agree to anything at all and Tim does look very unhappy but i do resent in some way the fact that he is at home and I'm working. Oops it was the word i wasn't going to discuss.
So running has been really rubbish as i said about Tuesday and Thursday was much the same in fact i had to stop off at the local co op to spend a penny!! My legs felt like someone had been in the night cut my legs off and stitched someone Else's on! and really wasn't sure if i would run on Sunday or not.
Friday Tom came round and Tim was talking about me having another car! i said i didn't want one and then that was wrong. Tim said he thought it would be nice as i work hard to have a little sports car. Well we had one and changed it for the estate to take Duke out. Tim's plan!! so why change again! Just me being petty.
So Saturday was just another day and today i did get up early for a run.
Had to pass by ours so i called in to go to the loo!!! but did 7 miles so that was an improvement. Went for a long walk this afternoon as well and that's it week end over!!
So did nothing and went nowhere and its the w word tomorrow.
Tim says we don't have time together!!! and when would that be. I work all day Monday to Friday. Run Tues and Thursday evening but only for 2 hours I'm back by 8pm. I run Sundays 8am to 10am so we have the rest of the day. Is that too much? i don't think so and i have to practise for the marathon, for goodness sake. I cant do right for doing wrong. Ah well.
Not sure how we can get ourselves back on the right road, i so wanted to call Mikey today, you know i just forgot! that's happened several times just recently.
Its Tim's birthday this week perhaps i should have the day off.
Losing Mikey has had such a profound effect on us or perhaps me. I really do not seem to care about anything. Just going through the motions of living the best way i can. It may not be right for everyone else but its OK for me. I am happy with my own company and would much prefer to be on my own at times. Maybe that's it, Tim has had time to himself, time to reflect to to sit and think, time on his own and i haven't had that.
I wonder if i have even had the time to grieve and the answer to that would be no.
Well this conversation to myself is getting rather deep so i will leave it, after all tomorrow is another day................
It has been a very odd few days, Tim and i have certainly not been ourselves and i wonder if its my fault.
Things have changed between us and its been happening over the last year or so. Things don't change do they? no its people that change so i guess that's me then. We just cant seem to agree to anything at all and Tim does look very unhappy but i do resent in some way the fact that he is at home and I'm working. Oops it was the word i wasn't going to discuss.
So running has been really rubbish as i said about Tuesday and Thursday was much the same in fact i had to stop off at the local co op to spend a penny!! My legs felt like someone had been in the night cut my legs off and stitched someone Else's on! and really wasn't sure if i would run on Sunday or not.
Friday Tom came round and Tim was talking about me having another car! i said i didn't want one and then that was wrong. Tim said he thought it would be nice as i work hard to have a little sports car. Well we had one and changed it for the estate to take Duke out. Tim's plan!! so why change again! Just me being petty.
So Saturday was just another day and today i did get up early for a run.
Had to pass by ours so i called in to go to the loo!!! but did 7 miles so that was an improvement. Went for a long walk this afternoon as well and that's it week end over!!
So did nothing and went nowhere and its the w word tomorrow.
Tim says we don't have time together!!! and when would that be. I work all day Monday to Friday. Run Tues and Thursday evening but only for 2 hours I'm back by 8pm. I run Sundays 8am to 10am so we have the rest of the day. Is that too much? i don't think so and i have to practise for the marathon, for goodness sake. I cant do right for doing wrong. Ah well.
Not sure how we can get ourselves back on the right road, i so wanted to call Mikey today, you know i just forgot! that's happened several times just recently.
Its Tim's birthday this week perhaps i should have the day off.
Losing Mikey has had such a profound effect on us or perhaps me. I really do not seem to care about anything. Just going through the motions of living the best way i can. It may not be right for everyone else but its OK for me. I am happy with my own company and would much prefer to be on my own at times. Maybe that's it, Tim has had time to himself, time to reflect to to sit and think, time on his own and i haven't had that.
I wonder if i have even had the time to grieve and the answer to that would be no.
Well this conversation to myself is getting rather deep so i will leave it, after all tomorrow is another day................
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