Day 497/498

Oops 2 days again!!! and today it was suggested i should make a resolution regarding getting things done on time!!! although i don't think blogging was the thing in question!! hey ho.

So yesterday and today work wise really have been a continuation of the start of the week and i am so pleased its the week end having said that the calls started an hour after i got home!! Tim just looked tonight and didn't say a word but i can imagine what was going on in his mind.

So i will leave that thorny beast called work alone and wait for Tuesday because i forgot i am off till Tuesday. Some recovery time may be in order though.

The run last night really went to plan. We did the 3 mile run and Sue coped well so all ready for tomorrow. Good gracious and the piper at 8.5k should give us some indication where we are going!!! and its raining tonight! Cant grumble because its the heat that we really do not like. I'm going to start wearing the suit i bought to exercise in, i look like an oven ready turkey in it but it does help to get you used to being hot and sheds a few pounds in the process. I only use it indoors!!!
It takes ages to squeeze into and even longer to peel off that in itself is as good as a workout!!

Tomorrow is the end of another year and i have my lanterns to send off for Mikey i just hope Tim stays up to help me send them on their way unlike last year when i was talking to Tom on the phone and nearly set light to next doors dog kennel! Ah well.

                                                                         The park looked good for December

                                                                 Tim and Tom Xmas day

                                                                Tom still on the phone!!!!

Computer is so slow!!! hope to get some pictures of the race tomorrow and try to put on! best get to bed as it will soon be morning gulp.

                                                     
                                                       
                                              

Days 489/490/491/492/493/494/495/496

Its been over a week and to be honest i just wish i could have closed my eyes last Tuesday and woke today. I feel ashamed to say i have felt like that but i am only human even though a very selfish one to think like that. Where do my caring feelings for hubby and son Tom come into things. It does make me feel worse seeing it written down in black and white. You know people never cease to amaze me.
Tim didn't get one call from any of his family over Christmas, that says something surely.
Tom well bless him only my sisters thought of him. How sad is that. Tom said he didn't care but I'm sure he was as hurt as i was for him. If i start down that road again i just know the healing process will undo, that's if its begun!!!!
Friends and family and all that i guess.

Its been a rotten time and as hard as i tried to put some effort into the day. no it didn't work. It didn't help that i had to go into work on Christmas eve and be there till the early hours. Tim had gone to bed by the time i got home and Tom asked on Christmas day if i would be there for the day or not and he may as well be at home on his own rather than come out and i not be here. I think that says how the family feel about work. Oh to be a nurse!!! It just never stops. Maybe next year i should book up for us to go away some where.

You know it just makes you feel sick in the stomach thinking about whats missing in our lives, and who says time heals, they lied!!!

Maybe its just the Christmas thing and that's made everything worse. It seems that on some days you can get along OK you can laugh, you can smile, you can remember some of the good times and then it seems so hard because we remember what we have lost.
I knew if i was to sit here i would end up wailing and moaning and weeping and sure enough here i sit doing all of those things. Yes i am feeling sorry for myself!

Will the next year be any better, can i and dare i hope so.

So whats been normal!!! running i have still kept going even without my running buddy. Sue is off to see the surgeon on the 3rd of Jan oh dear i hope its not bad news!! but i saw her recently and she will run tomorrow, only a short run and save herself for Saturday!! several people would have had her ticket though!!! I'm off to physio for an early appointment tomorrow and for strapping!! ankle is still not right!!! and the appointment for scan still not through, i will chase that up i think. I have a wobble board now to practise with. Um not so good with that! can hardly stay aboard for a few minutes.

Went for a walk yesterday and didn't take the camera, only to see a fox running across the fields being chased by a flock of crows!!! what a sight it was. All this time i have lived in the fens the first time i have ever seen such a sight. Then the whale that beached at Hunstanton, missed that too!! I'm getting very slow indeed!!

Saturday we are being piped home on the run by a piper from the Black Watch, what a treat, i must make sure i save myself for that piece of the run!!!! and hope its not raining and not too cold. Am i asking for too much!.

It will soon be the Olympic run , then the marathon and would you believe the run in December in Spain and yep I'm going to go!!! Mikey would be so amazed but pleased I'm actually doing something with my life even if it is a little late!! Which means i must send for my passport!!! i have been saying that for a year now so must do that as my task for January!!

I have managed to download all the pictures!!! yay so tomorrow to put them on this blog!!! and get back to my daily off loading. I sure felt better when i did that i really need to remind myself that tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 486/487/488

So much for all those words!! here i am doing a three day blog again! Am i feeling positive? well if you had asked me that 10 hours ago i would have said no but now. Just had a pep chat with my friend on line and that helps!!

So Sunday thick frost but up early to run!! No Sue but my lovely nephew Luke ran with me. Also ran was one of the faster ladies who said she would run with us for company. Not many braved the ice and cold.

Cant believe the run really. I said to Luke we would do the Tues route in the light!!! and we fairly flew round amazing for me and the ankle held up. The new method of running seems to be working. 5.45 miles. Felt positive but still worried about the ankle.

Such a brisk day that Tim and i went for a good walk with Duke about 8 miles i think and then another walk in the evening!! We are really missing Mikey and need to be doing something.

Monday, humph!!! do i need to say any more really, thank goodness i have tomorrow off!!


Physio first thing this morning!! re taped, and it does seem to be getting better dare i say!! but need to really exercise it and do all the stretching. Will have it taped again on the 29th ready for the race, just for support and then off in the new year! as i have to strengthen it some more

Went to Lynn today and the traffic was horrendous and so was the parking!! not used to parking an estate in a packed car park, new experience. Spent hours walking around by myself. Not really shopping just looking and remembering, still go to buy Mike a present, came out of a music shop with AFI Sing the Sorrow CD!! the shop assistant said you have diverse tastes as she rung them up, could hardly say oh i don't want that one now! i had CD for Tim. Seal, one for me and AFI ah well praps i will listen to it and run to it if its got some go in it which i am sure it will have!!! who knows i may become a fan. I have heard some of their tracks and its been rather deep and very sad, so maybe this will be different, mind you the title does not bode well!

Running tonight and again hardly anyone there, thank goodness for Luke, but we ran with another gentleman and we did well again! beat Sundays time and ran for 5.65miles!! looking good for new years eve!! Think i have lost my Garmin, i hope not!!!! maybe left it at the club.

And tonight, i had a lovely message from one of Mikey's friends, how kind that she thought of us. It really means so much
To late to put the pics on not but, tomorrow is another day...............

Day 485

My word not missed a day! cant remember the last time that happened. Woke up early to a heavy frost and Tim and Duke had already headed out across the fields!! Thought about going for a run, thought mind you. The ankle feels a bit iffy again, i just hope this time it holds up. Heard from Sue all being well she will be running on Tuesday, but she is being referred to a surgeon!!! good gracious what a pair we are.

Tim decided to give me a pep talk about how unready i am for the marathon and how i should be out every day training!!! well that's not what my training plan says but hey ho what do the experts know lol. Anyway i think he could see i was getting rather depressed about his comments! I'm just going to keep on with what I'm doing. Progress is being made after all. Tomorrow i need to do a bit longer than the training nights with the club. Its on a Sunday when the runs become more intense. I sound like some athlete instead of a mum just giving it a go. Still onwards and upwards. I must remember to pop the joint in the oven before i leave in the morning!!!

I do need to spend more time on my stretching exercises so from next week I'm going to go to bed earlier and get up in time to do them before i go to work. I need to get all the ones out for my back, the hamstring and the ankle and calf. Blow me what a lot of injuries i have had this year! Surely the new year has to be better.

Tom came to see us again today and we went to check out a new TV, didn't get one, couldn't decide!!! no change there then.
Every day at the moment is an effort for me, i suppose its the time of the year, really should send some cards but just cannot drum up the enthusiasm. Maybe next year will be better. Unless i make an effort it wont be though. Ah well does it really matter?

May run abroad next year, Tim said only if i get the passport. I have been saying all year i will do it but still not bothered. That's what it is, not bothered. Humph, need to get a grip and decide whats important and whats not! Treacle!!!!! that's what my feet are in or is it sand? and that's where my head is?

You know its odd but having lost Mikey to CF, we have been lost to CF itself. It really is as if we have ceased to exist. Its weird but the USA seem to have a more positive outlook and caring attitude to those who have lost. Britain appears to cater for those who are raising awareness of the disease and fund raising etc but no after care for parents, certainly nothing i have found anyway.

Well no pics!!! no time but definitely on my next blog. So to bed, up early for my run gulp!!!! hats and gloves out and thermal undies, not a pretty sight, but that's for the morning after all tomorrow is another day........................

Day 483/484

Two days! well its an improvement!

Woke up today to snow!!! i knew it was cold yesterday!

Went out to managers Xmas meal. Nice seeing E and it was then as i was looking around the table that i realised that i was amongst strangers. All of the others came in around the same time and here was E and i almost the last of the old order standing, and E was struggling. That made me sad because if she is having problems then lord help every one else.

Home fairly late and then out for a run and there were only a few of us. Sue couldn't run tonight because she was injured, her groins, i hope she will be fit for next week. So i thought i would be running alone until this lovely man came in and said oh good someone to run with. i will run with you. Panic!!! im not up to your pace says i, don't worry he said i will run with you and just tell me when you need to rest or stop.

My goodness we set off at a good pace and i thought you know what, i cant remember him being this fast when i have been following the group. Still i did well and just paused briefly before moving on again. I asked if we could do the short route because of my ankle sure he said. Anyway got to the point where we have always gone and he turned left oh no this is even further!!! but kept up and had a walk when the ankle started to feel sore.. On the way back the lights were on the gates as a train was coming. Praise be!! a rest i said, you are going a bit fast for me. Oh, he said, i thought you was running well and i was keeping up with you!!! blast me we set ourselves a good old pace through a misunderstanding!! 5 miles in 57 Min's!! not bad! But it really was cold, you could feel it through the gloves and hat i was wearing.

Today was manic and we just didn't have a minute and still not got all the jobs done i needed to do. I am so disappointed in people and how lacking in honesty they are. Feet should be firmly in one camp not one foot in two camps!! just does not work and at sometime that will come up and bite the person! Still its Friday thank goodness and a weekend off.
 Tom popped round today, he looks well and wants to borrow the carpet cleaner for the week end. He had to take Rocky to the vets tonight. All is well though just change his diet.

So tonight just stayed in and became a couch potato for the evening!! and I'm sitting here with a hot cup of coffee and a fleecy pair of Jammie's on. snug. I have a good book to read and will soon climb in for a well deserved rest!

I am off on Tuesday and will be going shopping for the day by myself!!

Mikey is very much in our thoughts and maybe that's why we just cant find anything to say. I hope it will be dry and frosty tomorrow and we can get out for a nice long walk with Duke. Our days just roll into each other, tomorrows are just another day to get through and time is measured by those words each time i sit here. Yesterdays become today's, tomorrows become todays and all our today's become yesterdays and tomorrows!!!! how odd. Meaningless.

I have been searching the web site about our New Years Eve run and its a time limited race. Oops i haven't had chance to tell Sue that yet. Still she has a better endurance level that me, so I'm sure we will be fine, but its only two weeks away!!  Wonder if Sue will be able to run on Sunday? and is she doing too much!

Got some more photos to put on, haven't the time now, but tomorrow is another day.................

Day 480/481/482

Three days, imagine this manic tiny person jumping up and down, fists clenched red face and wearing this ferocious scowl. That's me, furious because i have let other things get in front of my needs and desires. OK so i just want to blog, but its important to me!!
Monday, what can i say. I really do dislike Mondays so much to catch up on from the weekend. Its a hard life, or is it. Surely its poor personal time management. So I'm rubbish at time management!! but you know what i never used to be.
And its cold!!!
Tuesday physio early, and I'm running wrong! need to change my style as I'm running on my toes, hence ankle problems. Strapped again but all being well they will be removed after Xmas. Well after the New Years Eve run and also i will be able to complete a whole run!! fingers crossed. Anyway ran Tuesday night and tried to remember what i was told, and in fact i ran faster and further!! and no pains in the calf's! The wind was so strong as well so high hopes for Thursday. Um the ankle is a bit painful, i hope that's just because of the ultra sound cos it felt so good last night.

Popped to see Tom and took his washing, cant be bad, he has a personal laundry service now! it was really windy out at his, literally howling, it was quite scary in the car until i realised it was the wind getting under the roof rack!!

Today actually felt like Monday. A horrible day and so fed up with attitudes. People must get a grip!!! so work again till 2130hrs and Tim getting a tad fed up again.

Its cold and wet again!!! and talks of snow for tomorrow. Well if it does it will be our first snow run!!

Out tomorrow all day and i haven't the time to take out of the office, will i ever catch up? i suppose i will have to wait and see. Too cloudy at the moment to see the meteor shower that's due, ah well next time maybe.
Tim's in bed, Dukes asleep and i can see a good read coming, i still do not sleep well.
I found out the road was blocked at the weekend due to a fatal accident young 24 year old man has been hit by a van. I feel for his parents.

Oops i have the present to wrap to take tomorrow better get it done i suppose. Not really interested in doing it but there you go.  The only positive thing is at least, tomorrow is another day.................................

Day 476/477/478/479

Yep another 4 days. What is it that results in days getting missed. Tim says work is taking over and i think it is. I don't go swimming now and yet those two days are just swallowed up. How odd.

Anyway physio this morning and things are definitely improving at last!!! another tape up, calf's de knotted! and back next week with my kit just to see if I'm running wrongly, but fit to run tonight.

Work and my boss in! to do a review so cant get home for lunch and then blow me if we didn't get a surprise visit from the company auditor and he was there till nearly six!! so home and quick change and out to run. Had to go in the car as no time to cycle. Just got to the club and we were called to run, still going up the road trying to get my watch on and trying to turn on my high viz lights!!! not a good start. So no lunch and no tea.
It was cold and wet and we needed to really keep focused. Still we did well considering the long run Sunday.

Friday, yet again another visit from the boss!! but the report from the auditor was good, that's a positive anyway.
Had to go back to work this evening to take photos of carol service. Tim not best pleased. Then another call just before midnight and called in again and didn't get home till 0230hrs!! worn out!!!

Saturday just passed in a blur and was determined to get up early today for a run, um only half worked out. Still it was a miserable day and decided to head off to Ely to try and get a running shirt, cant get a thing in town!! The scenery was grim! so bleak and grey, the road closed off just up the road, and accident i think. Someone is in for a very sad Christmas.

Everywhere is dull and lifeless even the green winter wheat shoots look sad. The trees are bare and just look like skeletal arms and fingers pointing upwards. The only positive was Ely Cathedral. the grand old lady of the fens standing proud in the distance like a beacon guiding us all to safety. Plenty of parking spaces!!! managed to get what i wanted and home for lunch. A quick trip to Staples and it was evening.

Decided to go for a run before it rained again, only a short one just round the block a couple of miles.

And that's my week end gone.

My blogs are becoming memory points of my days! and that's not what i want. I hoped that i would be able to look back and understand how this grieving process worked and that's not whats happening, is it? Just mundane ramblings of a woman getting through the days the best way she can. That's it isn't it, there seems to be no soul in my writing, when did that go! Its true what they say you work to live, not live to work but i feel sure that's how my life is now. How can i turn myself around again! I do want to, so its a promise to myself, a new year and another new me. I'm changing almost yearly!! Who am i? who do i want to be? i cant answer either.

This week almost every day accounted for! and then it will be a week till Christmas still no cards sent out again and no Dec's up. Luckily we talked about it again today and Tim feels the same. Cards have come through he door and they sit on the table. I think Tim will try and take me out for a run over Christmas, or drop me off somewhere and hope i can find my own way home!! We will see. Oh good lord we have the new years eve run to do, best get some more practise in!!! Well its cold and i need to get some sleep cant think about next week but tomorrow, is another day................

Day 475

Gosh just read yesterdays account! spelling up the shoot, well i was having a bad evening, that's my excuse.

Today i feel mellow, odd really just so laid back I'm virtually horizontal!! cant begin to imagine  what has bought that on.
Work today has bought even more changes and if I'm struggling I'm sure everyone else is. Not negotiable apparently! No Christmas spirit.

Yet again i cant drum up enthusiasm for Xmas, no cards done, no presents, nothing. Time is getting on but no interest at all. Mikey loved Christmas and would have done all his shopping and have the pressies all  wrapped by now. So organised and always gave a lot of thought about his purchases. Gosh i miss him.

Tonight i was chilling really Tim watching football. Tom came round for a cup of tea!! how nice was that. Tom said he had friends round to see him last night and i don't think that has happened since he moved away 3 years ago!! lets hope that is a sign of things to come. A bit of social life.

Its so cold!!! really wintry and i wore my boots for the first time this season. Sure of cold times to come.
Physio in the morning! ankle really seems to be on the mend! not right but so much more comfortable. Legs remain sore but that was from the massage last week. I wonder if i will get another tomorrow. Ouch!! Running tomorrow night and i cant wait to see how i feel after the long run! I'm feeling kind of positive. I do hope that's not going to be a mistake. Sue may have gone out for a morning run today with her sister, and i will need to squeeze in another run this week as well.

Just trying out the garmin!! if only i knew how to work it properly i may well have had the route saved on Sunday, ah well perhaps next year!

So to bed, tomorrow is another day..............................

Day 474

Why, why why, just when you think things are OK are you hit with such a ferocious bout of sadness. I guess misery found me, always laying in wait and ready to ponce. Well she caught me tonight and once again i was wrapped in her black shroud of grief. There are times when you just cant accept whats happened and if you don't think about it well it hasn't happened. Its all a delusion of course!
Getting ready to give my account of the run on Sunday and just listened to AFI Morning Star. Mikeys fave group and one of the songs i know he listened to. The words haunted me tonight and i felt such sadness for him and wished i could have known how he was feeling and given him some comfort, for that i will always be sad..
Its been 16 months at at this very minute it feels as if it has only just happened. Its such an overwhelming feeling. Maybe its the time of year, i don't know. It doesn't matter what you do to try to remain positive and keep busy do what ever it takes to get through the days, you don't! It just looks like it to others. How good do we become at pretending, ah well we only show the world the part of us we want them to see. Its these rare moments when control slips and the tenuous grip on living slips. Night time is the most loneliest and the longest part of a day.

I suppose i should share the events of Sunday, its such a struggle today to explain what occurred. I hope i can muster enough enthusiasm to get across what happened.

I got up really early and had breakfast, didn't drink too much and donned the compression socks, do you know they even had left and right on them, well that should have been warning enough!!
Sue came down and we set off to Peterborough. Arrived in plenty of time. Goodness the porta loos were already whiffy so it would appear what we had been told about runners needing the loo was correct. Still we were feeling really positive. Done everything right this time, or so we thought. Time for a group picture and a warm up. Well the warm up was almost our run so we thought, best not over do things and started to walk back to bag area.
Gentleman stops us and tells us we are going the wrong way!!! the start was where we were coming from and we should turn back around. Sue said she needed the toilet. Public loos are on the way he says but the race was about to begin! He was carrying a horn, so i asked if he was the starter, yes says he, well thought we OK we will walk with you!!
No toilets and a huge group of bodies that we got caught up in. It was really warm in the middle i felt like an Emperor Penguin until the klaxon went and this surge of bodies moved forwards carrying us along with them. No idea where we were as all these people were around us. Anyway we were going to fast and we had to slow down i was gasping and we had only gone a short distance. Anyway we managed to get some control and set a steady pace. It was then Sue said she really needed the loo, and we had only done about a mile. We asked the Marshall's round the course and none till we got back to the start! 5 miles away and we had to do the route twice to make it 10 miles. Sue had to keep stopping which suited me because of the ankle although it felt really good. We eventually came to a wooded part of the route and Sue said she would just have to get into the bushes!! by the time she had finished i thought um maybe i should go. No one in sight not a one we were obviously last. We kept plodding on and our time wasn't too bad. Oh dear now i really needed to go. W were now being passed by the quick runners on their second lap!!! these were the winners, by the time we got to the start area we were guided by the Marshall's down the road. This isn't right i thought, we were herded with the elite!!! only for someone to note that we shouldn't be there, lifted the tape and ushered us under it and set us on our way . But with no direction!!. Still need the loo and nipped in Sainsburys. Quick out and tried to find our way Sue recognised a broken fence and we went down that path. No signs and no Marshall's. We decide that we would continue anyway but feeling a bit odd about the whole thing. We saw a man come towards us who was holding bits of tape. A Marshall only to tell us they were all packing up as they thought we had already gone through! Sue asks if he could phone ahead to let them know, but that was not possible. So he gave us a map of the route and asked us if we could follow that. Well what a game, we had no idea. We were on housing estates and all sorts. We eventually came to the wooded area again so we knew we were on the right route. We came to the main road and found the bollards to give us a safe route on the road had been removed. So we had to cross the road walk on the grass verge until we reached the roundabout and re cross again to get onto the path. Then we saw the man on the bike trying to get our attention. He was the sweeper, someone had phoned him to let them know that we were still out on the road. He escorted us the last 3 miles!! He was very sorry. By now we were really fed up and although determined to finish felt a bit let down. We completed the course in 2 hours 12 minutes which was good all things considered! and got a bottle of water for our troubles.
Luckily a married couple with the club waited for us. They are both in their 70s and good runners but were concerned about us and made sure we got a cup of tea and a piece of cake!! Everyone else had gone!!
It could only happen to us!!!
Not sure  how to resolve the loo business its only on race days, perhaps nerves?
Ankle and legs lasted the course, but the tops of my legs were a bit sore and ached, still that's a 10 miler out of the way! should start to get better soon i hope.

Sue phoned today and cancelled running, to give our legs a rest until Thursday, good plan i think!!!

Oh well just keep reminding myself that tomorrow is another day.....................

Day 467/468/469/470/471/472/473

Oh my word a week!!!! has it been so long. I feel really ashamed of myself!!
I was so fed up last week and was depressing myself! is that possible. Well truth to tell, that's not really honest! I have been so busy and really worried about race day, but that's for later!!
Running on Tuesday was a disappointment and the legs ached so much.
Work was pretty tough too on Wednesday and just about pooped.
Thursday, up early for physio!! and the foot and ankle really strapped well. Alex checked out the calf's and found they were really tight so i had a sports massage. Oh yea gods!!! it was soooooooo painful I'm sure they must have heard me yelping out in the streets!! I was then told to stretch every 2 hours for the rest of the day and to stretch as much as possible before Sunday!! oh and i may be De hydrating prior to running. Actually that may well be true so drinking loads for the rest of the Day!!! Running Thursday was not much better so can only hope that all goes well on Sunday. Oh and i need some compression socks as they may help. not sure if they will but Alex said give them a try!

Socks ordered on the Internet!!! my goodness how much for a pair of socks!!! £20 gulp!!!

Friday i was waiting patiently for today. I took some time off work because i heard from my niece Shelly that she would be visiting today with her mum and son!!! I have not seen my niece for many years. What a fantastic morning, cant describe it. We will now be keeping in touch and will see each other from time to time. Continued to drink and stretch all day today as well!!!

Friday night out to the Running clubs Christmas do! not really what i thought , the music was really poor!! and the sad thing is its often the music that sets the night up and so people left early and we too went home before the witching hour!!

 Saturday Legs so painful to touch even the skin feels sore! but still stretching. Cycled down to see Tom all 5 miles!!! hope that gave my legs some exercise!! Bungalow is looking homely and i have started to make friends with his dog!! i did have a handbag full of dog treats though! i wonder if he will expect those all the time!!
Thought i should have early night Saturday ready for race day. Must get up early. Well that went to plan. As for the race i will put it all down tomorrow as i am so tired i need to get to bed! We have been out for a meal and I'm pooped again!!

Day 462/463/464/465/466

5 days!!! getting into bad habits, but what can i say.

Before i start to recall the last 5 days tonight has bought home to me how generous Mikey's friends have been allowing me into their lives. Not an easy thing to do when, you are living with CF and reading all my stuff and his other very special friend who he thought of as a sister. Very special people indeed.
What sprung to mind was how we as a family have been abandoned by the CF world. Once Mikey was no longer with us not only did we lose him it was if we had vanished from ever having lived with CF. We had 25 years of being involved with Mikey's illness suddenly it is as if he never was. Does that make sense. What I'm trying to say i think is that everything just stopped as though we never existed. Oh I'm making a mess of this but i know what i mean. No counselling for CF parents no support. Why is that i wonder.
Still that's off my chest.

Whats been happening in my world. Now do i bore myself with writing and recalling work or is that too traumatic. Yep I'm going to leave that. Don't want to disappear into a world of depression!! Is it so bad, no probably not but those mole hills just keep growing!!

Thursday went running and i was pitiful!! although better than the Tuesday. I have told Sue just to get on without me and go with some of the other runners. I am feeling very sorry for myself and need to to focus on the Marathon and how i am going to achieve that. If it means rest and be sensible for the next few weeks then i will. Its still very sore. Its been weeks. Still enough said, for now!!!

Friday was the big day for Tom. Van collected, keys handed over and off to Doncaster with his Dad, but he forgot his keys! and decided to risk going with the ones i had given Tim just in case they needed another set. Not 100% sure they were Toms but they were an odd set i had. I was in a panic until i heard from him to say they were in!!
A very late night home but managed to get a lot of his bits here.
Saturday they set off to build a fence and was still working up to darkness, the same on Sunday but on Sunday i was helping with the Hereward Relay. Stuck out in the middle of the Fens at Welney. My goodness what an eye opener. Some of the seasoned runners looked dreadful, what have i let myself in for! I have a 10 mile race this Sunday. Should i go or not? I'm worried about the ankle but I'm at Physio on Thursday so hopefully she will advise and i will listen.

Today Tom has moved out and its strange again having the house to ourselves, although he phoned me tonight to let me know how he was. Then Tim went back down tonight because Tom asked if we would bring his toothbrush because he had forgotten it. I think Tim will be a constant visitor!!

So her i sit! writing an epistle.
The neighbours have their Christmas lights up. Oh my word. I'm sure the national grid must be experiencing a surge! We do not need lights on in the kitchen or the lounge, hard to believe well see the picture!!

          

 See what i mean and the sight seeing has begun, visitors down a very small cul de sac just doesn't work and then their dog starts to bark. No Christmas spirit here then!!!

But on a positive note!!!!! one of me at Welney!!

It was so cold!! and we had a nice day, no rain or frost. I also got a medal, a horse brass. So all told this year i have received a bag of spuds and the horse brass for my efforts, i wonder what Sunday will bring?  Something new for November,  i can now add marshalling to my talents. What next i wonder.
Well to bed with an ice pack and the thought of  'tomorrow is another day'
                                                     
                                             

Day 460/461

Right well i am just about tired and fed up with this wretched ankle!!! All seemed to be going so well and last night went running and couldn't!! Legs had no go in them at all, last time this happened was on the age related race. My first ever race in the early days. I am not sure if its the effects of Sunday or what really. Some of the other runners said its lactic acid build up, maybe i hadn't warmed up properly or my legs were cold. They are still sore today and the ankle is miserable. Been doing my exercises but have just over a week before the 10 mile race. What to do?

I hate being so blinking negative and being such a moaning Minnie!! have offered a trade on facebook tonight, one healthy foot and ankle for an antique one in need of Restoration. I wonder if i will get any takers. Um we shall have to see.

Toms moving date is getting closer and he has been much happier even up to his old ways of playing tricks on his dad. So far this week Tim has found a mouse in his bed and a hedgehog, neither real i might add. Toms been crouching in the hall waiting to hear the noise from within the bedroom, i have to say i have been there as well holding my mouth closed to stop the laughter!!

Duke is getting enormous!! and Tims sister called round today and asked for some photos of him!! so Tim has asked if she can have some. Well i feel rather mean and spiteful and indeed rather churlish, why should i? and to be honest what on earth does she want them for? i cannot imagine.
They haven't spoken to me since Mikey died and no i haven't forgiven them. There that's said!!!!

Tom and Tim are planning the day on Friday and it looks like i have been delegated to unpack once they return from Doncaster!!!  But i think everyone is looking forward to him being settled although for different reasons.

I have to be up early tomorrow!!! away on course and i really do not have the time but hey ho!

I'm going to find a picture of Mikey and pop on, just because i want to!!

                                                          What a handsome young man

                                                                               Mikey and his friend, a good time
Goodness how we miss him and because of him i will give it another go tomorrow night, I'm determined to get to the marathon next year at any cost!!!  but in the meantime, tomorrow is another day                              

Day 457/458/459

Three days again!!! ah well at least i have a quiet few minutes to blog! and i have my ipod plugged in listening to some music. Isn't it strange how songs and music bring back memories or how some people have this wonderful gift in putting emotions to words and sound.
Saturday came and started off with fog, was this a sign of the day to come? In fact the day went well and we managed to get a lot packed up, still i don't think even one more trip will do it, still Toms a man and able to make his own decisions and choices. Toms a hoarder and will not throw anything away, i do believe he is worse than me. Is that possible i wonder.

We got home in the early evening which was better and even Tim was surprised, mind you that could have had something to do with Toms clock!! He set himself a time scale and boy did we work hard. I thought we had nowt had enough but he said stop. Once we were in the car, he realised that he had forgotten to change the clock in October!!!!

Sunday, an odd day really.  Up early for my run and we did so well 7 miles and the ankle held up. So chuffed still its a long way to go yet.
Tim was not at his best today which resulted in very low mood at home!! i ended up going out for a cycle ride in the afternoon and a late night walk by myself!! Tim managed to let the dog pull the iron of the table!! and he went to bed without having a conversation. Tom and i kept a low profile!!

Went off to work this morning and things still not as good as they should have been!!
 but by lunchtime as if nothing had happened. Men!!! and its Toms birthday!!!

Tom came home and asked for his birthday tea!!! we had to laugh its been years since we heard that, He had a cake anyway but no candles!!! 29 years old, its so hard to believe where the time has gone.

The weather is turning and it was 10 years ago that i came off my motorbike and broke my hand, the roads were bad then and we were uncertain about going out because of the fog, but we did and i paid the consequence.I will never forget the boys faces when i came home with the damaged bike and can still hardly believe i rode it home with a broken hand. Still what do they say no sense no feeling!!

My brothers daughter contacted me again tonight and we are going to meet next week. I am really looking forward to it I hope we continue to keep in touch.

Gosh its almost 0130hrs! and i have to get up for work. Its running night tomorrow! so i have high hopes of doing a little better. I know one thing, if i get overtaken on the bridge I'm going to hold my line and not head for the kerb!! elbows out i think, lol. At 5 foot tall i think i get looked over!
I can just imagine Mikey commenting on my antics. I was going to ring him today but forgot for a minute that i couldn't. This has happened so many times or the thought, oh i must tell Mikey and then realisation hits home that i will never be able to do that again. I wish sometimes that i was living a dream and will wake up. Its not going to happen i know that but i still cant help wishing.

I'm at Welney at the weekend, manning a station for the ultra runners and will have to clock their times. Gulp!! what if i get it wrong, I'm not always good at concentrating and may just miss them, perhaps i should be on the water section lol. I will take the camera and try to get some snaps. It will be cold so i will have to put my thermals on, if i can find them. I think they may be in the loft with my motorbike gear. Um i may just double layer insted. Right beds calling and i will try to blog early next time, i will try, after all tomorrow is another day!!

Day 455/456

I was tired again yesterday!!!! hence the blog tonight.

I got up early yesterday for my physio, sat and waited only to discover i was a day early again!!!

So we went out to Wells and Sherringham. Did loads of walking on the beach this time my ankle was fine, so pleased about that. Had a lovely long day out. The sun as shining and it was really mild for the time of year. It was snowing this time last year. There are loads of berries on the trees and the pine cones are still clinging to the branches in abundance. I sure sign of mild weather. Duke was so good travelling, he has become a quite seasoned traveller!!! Tim took some pictures of me with Duke, i will put one on at the end!

The fields look healthy and alive with new growth. The winter wheat i expect. The crows, my word the flocks are huge and they are still using their old nests, they haven't been beaten down by the wind as yet.

The pubs at the coast have started their offer meals! buy one get one free, excellent value at the Crown in Sherringham.

Home in time for a quick coffee and my run.

Felt really good tonight and was going well, Sue was still having problems following her two runs on Tuesday, so we did the shorter route and had a small walk. It was nice for me this time not to be holding her back. We still did nearly 5 miles though. However we have to do 7 miles on Sunday ready for the 10 mile run in two weeks time!!

I got up again this morning for physio and she was pleased with how things are going. I have to be sensible and she said i could do the 7 miles on Sunday but must have a walk in between miles! and i should be OK for the 10 mile but i must walk some of the race!! i am to go and have the ankle strapped on the Friday before the race. Lots more exercises to strengthen the tendons!! now i am to do some hopping and balancing on a cushion with my eyes shut. I did that tonight and nearly fell over!! I am also to start running cross country after the race. To try and get used to uneven terrain to strengthen the ankle. All to get me fit for the marathon!!!

Went shopping later and managed to get myself a long sleeved running top to go under the vest for the long race!!! it will be cold, well not too bad if i keep moving.

Dentist this afternoon and thank goodness i have had my crown put back on. A new one would be about £400 so i was pleased that the socket is still healthy!!

Tom has been discussing his move and i am getting worn out just thinking about it. Tom wants everything done yesterday!! Mikey was so different and so much more organised and will to pay the cost of other peoples services. Tom, well that's another thing all together. I wonder if we are helping too much. Oh well time will tell i expect.

I have been thinking about Mikey such a lot today and driving home just started to weep yet again!! i ended up giving myself a stern talking to. It didn't help really. I could just see his legs of all things, the sun was out and he would still be wearing his shorts!! Its such a cold world we are living in without him. It doesn't matter how we try to fill our time and do things, thoughts drift in through the gaps of time and make us sad. Mikey didn't want that we know. He said we could be sad for a little while, but its not easy to keep promises like that. I wonder if we really comprehended the enormity of the loss we would feel and the length of time we would be like this. Its for life. Just that some days are better than others and some days we are really good at deceiving ourselves.

Well i have to get up early in the morning, i have a white knuckle ride to Doncaster, Toms a very impatient driver!! help him pack. Tim will have a day of peace. Tom seems to think we can pack and dismantle all his stuff ready to collect next week in 4 hours! in his dreams me thinks.

 Ah well tomorrow is another day.........................

                                                                      Me and Duke at Wells

Day453/454

Missed yesterday but i was so tired!!! and on holiday.

So yesterday went to the dentist and they cant get me in till Friday! Went to the Dr's and had to explain that Duke had eaten my repeat prescriptions! i expect that gave a good topic of conversation for coffee time! still got those and they are booking me in for a scan on my ankle at last.

Tim took me for a walk, he found me a good running route and he will come with me, well he will walk the dog around whilst i run, still that's a start. I hope now he will give me some moral support. The ground was unstable but that's good for the ankle. Tim met an old school friend while we was out and they are going for a game of golf in the near future. That's also promising.

Tom gets the keys for his bungalow on the 25th and we are up Donny this week end to pack some stuff up. Went and had a look at the place and it looks nice. We are going to pay his rent for him for a year and hope that gives him breathing space to get his house sold and re settle here, we will just hope that works out for him.

Went running last night and yay!!!! got over the hill and down the other side. I felt good last night and the ankle held up. Lets hope I'm on the mend.

Today we went to Hunstanton and had another beach walk and at Snettisham. It was a bit bleak at Snettisham and its  looking a bit run down, all the caravans boarded up for the winter and it was foggy. A real November day, but sunny hunny lived up to its name and it was warmer. It was as if the summer sun and remained in the cliffs and the rocks and retained some heat for the winter to come.
Sandringham was cold!!!! we went to look at the house but it was locked and barred, not open today! still the small gift shop was and i had to buy something. I bought a small glass angel for the Christmas tree. I haven't as yet decided if i can face getting the tree out again this year. Christmas has lost all meaning since we lost Mikey and i don't think it will ever be the same. There will always be this enormous void for us. Just thinking about it makes weep.
Mikey's blog was 'it makes me' and he said that his conditions made him who and what he was. What a star. Tim still hasn't been able to look for his star i bought him yet but he said if Toms with us Christmas day we will all look together. I hope we do.

Had my hair coloured tonight and it looks so much better. Bought myself some herbal pills to give me some energy, lets hope they work!!

Tomorrow, Physio early in the morning and then we are out for the day, running in the evening and i hope i will be able to complete the route because i have to do 7 miles on Sunday. Have a race coming up on the 4th oh and must book a table at the Three Jolly Butchers for the 5th December cos Tim has said we are going out for a meal with another of his friends!!

2nd is the clubs Xmas do!! Tim's not going but never mind!! Got a really busy December coming up!! so much to do if I'm fit. Extra running and a blog page or a just giving page to sort out for Mikeys run. That's how I'm thinking of it.  Lots to think about but it can wait for now, tomorrow is another day.........................

                                                                  Who's bed is it?

                                                               The Drove on a Sunday walk

                                                      
                                                          Sunset across the fen from the Drove

day 450/451/452

Well the week end has gone! how quickly time flies. Its true that we should make every minute count because in a blink we become old! i still feel as if i was eighteen sometimes what a shame the body cant keep a apace with the mind!!

So i went running on Sunday and only did 2 miles but the ankle felt fine. I just want to keep the breathing going!!! well what i have so far. Cardio vascular i believe its called! anyway i will see how things go tomorrow. The ankle feels sore at the moment. Maybe because we walked so far today.

First day of the holiday to day!! odd that yet again these waves of sadness wash over you. Mikey is remains in our thoughts, that's a good thing and we still haven't reached that period when we can think of him with gladness. Of course we are glad that we had him so long as we did but so very sad that he is no longer with us.
We should be grateful that any memory is good, i wish it were true. August the 12th is at the forefront. Will it always be so.
I thought today that i might look at his memory box, but cant do it. I know inside are his trainers and his ear plugs. Not for silence but the ones for his ear piercings.

We went to sunny hunny today and walked to Heacham. Duke loved it and was running and jumping all over!!
I will put some more pictures on tomorrow.

Bought some winter training gear  today, hats gloves and waistcoat!! got to stay warm and safe!!

Tonight a tooth fell out!!! it is a crown so goodness only knows how much that will cost at the dentist!! i remember when it last came off!! we had just moved in to the bungalow and we were due to have carpets fitted. Tom remembered that tonight, i had to open the door and not speak to anyone. Tim said i was to sleep alone other wise he may have woken and had a terrible shock!! Men. I have to say i stuck it on with chewing gum until i got to the dentist. I think this time i will not be so lucky. The tooth has come off and left a little behind!!  got the post still attached to the crown, that's something.

Off to Doncaster at the week end to help Tom do some packing as he should move into his new bungalow next week. It will be good to have a bit of space back and I'm sure he will be pleased to have his own space!!
Changes again!

Not sure what we will do tomorrow depends when i can be seen at the dentists!! I cant eat though!! soup for me for the next few days if they cant help. Eek!

Still, tomorrow is another day

Day 448/449

Its Friday and the end of a very long week, but at least I'm on holiday next week and i have left my phone at work! That's a first.

Went running last night and managed a measly 4 miles well nearly 5 but its pitiful!! still the ankle held up and that's the most important thing. Sue has been doing some extra training but i haven't been able to up till now but feel i should even if its only a couple of miles in between. My legs ached dreadfully and that hasn't happened for a while. Maybe because i have been cycling a lot. Well hey ho cant dwell on it, but then again why not. I want to wallow in my misery!!

I could feel misery creeping up behind me again! its been a while since i felt her breath on my neck and her cloak of blackness enfold me in her cold embrace. I i eluded her, just, but i wonder for how long?
 So last night after my run i went to bed early!!! and i was up at 3am bright eyed and bushy tailed! decided to go back to bed with a cup of tea. Awoke again at 5.30am and decided to go for a run and i did!!! In the dark, ipod strapped on and off i went. I could feel myself getting dizzy after a few yards!!! oops no breakfast! but i kept going and did 2 miles round the block. Ankle felt sore though so wont run tomorrow!! MANAGED TO FALL UP THE STAIRS AT WORK TWICE!!! How stupid was that, straight onto my wrists eek!!cant afford another broken wrist!! and jarred the ankle. Will i ever be fit!!
I'm an accident waiting to happen, just so clumsy!!
Strange day at work really, spent the morning shopping for bits for one of the lounges so it was a good morning, problem is you never get caught up, but then do we ever?
Meetings this afternoon, left a pile of papers on the desk, ah well they will still be waiting for me when i return.

Tom has got his bungalow! yippee so he will be moving out soon into his own space. I'm not sure how things will go but we can but try.
Tim's not been well tonight and had to lay down on the bed for a while. No Doctor,  just wont see anyone. I couldn't but help thinking that i wouldn't know what to do if anything happened to him. I cant go there, no,no,no!!!
Is it called burying ones head in the sand? yes!!! but I'm up to the waist if that is the case!!

I found Mikey's wedding vows tonight and it made me so sad. I remember the wedding, he was so proud that day and so in love. Despite everything that happened he loved Claire until he passed away.  I wonder if people realise when love that unconditional is given what a gift it is. Probably not. But hey i have become very cynical and hard over the last few months. I think that if you cover yourself with these protective shields you will not get hurt. I wonder how effective they are though.


The weather has changed today its so very cold! and standing outside it rained, it rained leaves!! they were everywhere, being dragged away from the branches by the wind in huge amounts. It was amazing. No camera either, isn't that always the way.

Tim's been talking today about missed opportunities. We made our decisions in the past and cant change them we can only look forward. Each day is a struggle for me and i just go from day to day and have i suppose become very selfish, i have changed!!! i have never thought of putting myself first and i guess that's what i have been doing and hang the consequences! lts hope i don't rue the day so to speak.

Do you know i may just do some decorating this week, just for a change!! May though i hasten to add!!

I'm running on Sunday with my great nephew and niece, they have taken pity on me and said we will help auntie Sue! i should be ashamed of myself and said no but to be honest i need as much help as i can so i said thank you!!! You never know that may be just the thing i need. Only a few miles though and save myself for the mid week runs.
We have entered a 10 mile run in December and that's not too far away so i have to get going!!!
Physio on Thursday and i hope that will be positive. Its been so long since i have been fit. Honestly, i don't think i really recovered from the injury i had before i went on holiday in June! 

Well I'm off to check Tim and then bed because Tomorrow is another day.................

Day 441/442/443/445/446/447

A week a whole week has gone by. Not through pleasure i may say.
Well the euphoria of the last blog didn't last very long. Went to physio Thursday feeling fab only to be told the the ligament was not healing as it should and i did too much on Tuesday! but the ankle felt fine. However since the last session of physio and the exercise regime its feeling sore so no running since then. I could have gone on Tuesday but had to stay at work till 8pm!
All the late nights and additional working hours has taken its toll on Tim and he is now really fed up with it. But what to do????
We are fast approaching the 12th again and its a date that just doesn't get any easier coping with. Still it will be Saturday and i can wallow a bit. It will be 14 months since we lost Mikey and a day doesn't go by without him being in our thoughts.

The weekend was spent on the computer working!!! Monday well i was feeling fairly OK. Tuesday well what a day!! We had our validation and other issues which certainly affected the outcome. That means back to the drawing board again!!! very disappointing. I'm so tired!
Today i had a meeting with my boss and i have asked for leave next week.
Tim was surprised and asked what i had planned. Days out was my reply!!! and i still have a week to take, but i need to chill and do some extra running otherwise i will not cope with next year.

Tonight back at work till gone midnight!! and I'm getting older.

I will work out a plan of action whilst i am off.
Been taking more photos and must try to get them downloaded!
Christmas is coming and not looking forward to that.
Toms been looking for somewhere to live that will let him have his dog and fingers crossed for that. I hope he will feel more settled and then do something about his house in Doncaster.

Duke continues to grow, and grow and grow some more. He is as tall as me when he jumps up with his paws over my shoulders. When will he stop growing.

I'm now going to work out how long it is till the marathon and work out some sort of training plan. Must get going!!! cannot afford to dawdle

So I'm tired and a tad fed up but at least tomorrow is another day!!!

Day 437/438/439/440

OK so its another 4 days. Good or bad, well that's to be decided.

Well i thought about running on Sunday and i guess i felt it was too risky! ankle seems to be getting there, sore now rather than painful.

Sue hasn't got a place up to now in the Olympic stadium run. Tim thinks he will come, Tom doubts it. Tim said i need to train harder to ensure i don't become a laughing stock!! How dare he! he thought it wouldn't look too good if i passed by a rhino or some other person in fancy dress! Well i said thanks for the support. Penny dropped, he realised it shouldn't have come out like that. Um.

We had a lovely long walk with Duke who decided that after 6 miles he wanted to rest! and lay down in the road looking very soulful. We sat outside our old house on a bench and talked about the time we spent there. Nice in a way. Eventually we all got home!

Monday loomed and all went surprisingly well!!! good inspection, yippee, one less weight to carry around.

Tuesday, running. Went surprisingly well and managed to run 5.6 miles with just two short ankle rest periods where we walked. Really pleased with how things went. Oh yes got up early for physio only to get there to find i was two days early. Oops.

Today another constructive day. Managed to get a lot done! getting there, slowly.
Tonight went to do some work on the computer only to find i had major problem, risk of losing everything. Tom managed to get me up and running in safe mode and then said save everything mum or you will lose it. I remember the summer when i had the virus that wasn't a virus!! and the problem we had getting some of the things back. So it was a visit to my niece and asked her to help.
I filled all my memory sticks and still not enough room! up to Tesco and bought a hard drive!! it has taken until midnight to save all my bits but job done!!! Lesson learned.
Tim went to bed whilst we were still saving info so will have to tell him tomorrow how much it was, oops again.

Sue wont be running tomorrow because she is in Scotland but i will go anyway, i need the practice. If all is well at physio will ask how much i can do now. Perhaps i can run without a stop, but i very wary now of over doing it, lesson well learnt!!!

I am having the morning at home to catch up on my work as i didn't get it done tonight. Have another visit due Friday so want to be prepared.

The weather is so mild for the time of year although we did have a spot of rain tonight, the Christmas lights are going up in town!!! and the shops full of seasonal bits! it seems to get here sooner and sooner.

Do i get my work done now or wait? wait i think. I certainly do not feel as stressed as i have done recently and just generally feel less rushed and sad. That's good but i am always very aware that tomorrow is another day.......................

Day 436

Oh my word!!!! after last nights miserable blog i decided to check my e mails and well i nearly fell off my chair! i have been successful in getting a ballot place in the Olympic stadium run next year!!!
5,000 places i have one, yippee, whoop whoop!!! and then the realisation hit. Oh goodness what have i done now.

Mikey said to do one new thing a month and i have been trying hard to stick to that and now this is something else!!

Mikey wanted so desperately to be here for the Olympics and in one of his last conversations with us was did we think he would be and we said yes! how wrong were we. We couldn't imagine he wouldn't be. But we said if not we would make sure we watched it and thought of him. The reason i took up running was in the hope i could do the London marathon as there was no chance i could be in the Olympics, now i will be running in the stadium and be one of the first athletes to run a race there. How special will that be. I wonder Mikey, will that make me an Olympic athlete, lol. I wonder what you would have said to all of this. I do so hope i do you proud and will try my best not to be last!!!! But oh dear the film Run Fat Boy Ron really springs to mind. I can just see the local paper and the headlines 'Fenlands Finest!!!' and now i cant stop laughing. I really do not fit the athletic profile. Just a 50 something woman, who has never run, doing this. oh my oh my!!

So today was a better day and Tim has spoken about almost nothing else, he is really pleased for me. Now i have to think who will be my guests as i can take two. Decisions decisions!!!

We managed to get out today and went to Graffam Water and we took Duke, he was such a good boy. I also took the camera with the new lens fitted, i have yet to see how the snaps came out.

Went out on the bike and trying to keep the exercise going. I am now going to get a film and lay in bed with a cup of tea and try to relax. My stomach is still doing gymnastics!!! i haven't heard from my running buddy, i wonder if she has a place, i cant imagine running on my own :(

Whilst i am happy about the news I'm also sad because i miss Mikey and know he would be saying well done mum he would be quite proud of me i think! and also shaking his head from side to side saying you must be mad! Love you Mikey, wish you were here xxx

I think i will give running a try tomorrow just a short one, the ankle feels a bit sore but OK, should i? see still indecisive! ah well tomorrow is another day

Day 431/432/433/434/435

5 whole days of not blogging and maybe that's the lesson to me!! this is where i let all my frustrations out and boy do i need to do that. But where to begin! so much has happened since Sunday where i was saying how quickly the time has gone. Life is passing me by or I'm on this huge tidal wave of life and lord only knows where I'm going to be tossed up.

I have never been or felt so indecisive in my life and i just cant express how much i feel adrift from myself.

Oh i can reflect and ponder on where and when these changes have arisen from and i could look back on my blog but i cant look back, not yet its still too painful.

I have changed! that's what i wanted to do and it was at one time so very positive. The changes were measurable and i felt in control of the. Not now!!

I have lost my rudder so to speak. Its very lonely even in a crowd at work, that's the root of the problem i think, too many changes all at once and Tim umm well that's another issue and one i really don't know what to do about. I keep closing the door on whats going wrong i don't seem to be able to do anything right!

Yep i know that's not unusual and all relationships have blips that's what it all about but i feel I'm trawling through mud.
Strange isn't it how I'm using all these terms! just goes to show i haven't a clue in which direction to go, what to sort out first or can i even be bothered.

Is this another part of grieving? how the hell do i know. I was almost numb even moribund now I'm so angry all of the time. I have developed teeth and claws and have almost bitten through my own arms in frustration and despair! and why? what do i hope to achieve. Apart from almost having no limbs at all now so to speak! the legs have been traumatised through running!!! ah well, i have got all my bits and bobs its all a figure of speech!

I have been so tired this week more than usual, maybe I'm depressed. I haven't got time for that.

Delegation may be the key but having seen the consequences for a very close friend it scares the ...... out of me.

So many, many things are happening, just solve one problems and there is this enormous beast lurking in the background raising its ugly head to cause more mayhem!!


Oh I'm moaning and grumbling like a good one tonight! but hey ho that's what i need to do. My fingers and pounding away at a rapid rate of knots!, obviously haven't chewed hard enough because they are still functioning!!!

So apart from having to spend time out of the office and making the attempts to catch up and have proven to be virtually impossible what have i done.

Well the running has gone well, all be it slowly the ankle is holding up, still sore but at least I'm walking on it with no problems even after the runs

Tuesday i ran for a mile at a time with short break and ran 4 miles in total. Thursday it was raining!! the sky was lit up with lightening and there was a rumble of thunder but off we went and i have to say we were running well. Didn't run as far but ran for 1 1/2 miles and then did a 2 mile stint and still managed to do nearly 5 miles. Lets hope i get good news at Physio Tuesday because time is getting on and we need to work towards increasing the mileage!! Got some races coming up, one is a 10 mile in December so i hope I'm fit!!!

I did take some time back on Thursday and hoped to spend some time out with Tim and Duke but it was the one day of the week which was lousy, typical still here's hoping the week end will be kind. Before you know it i will be back on the treadmill again, not the exercise one either!!!

Well i do feel better for that!!! So maybe, just maybe i will enjoy the weekend, but who knows tomorrow is another day after all!!!

Day 427/428/429/430

Well I'm going to start with a photo of my foot. I have lamented about this injury for so long i have managed to take a snap, so here's hoping!!

Physio taping to support the two tendons on the left and a muscle to the top of the foot!

Anyway i went running Thursday! if you can call it that. I must though cos it was quite an effort.

Managed to run for 3/4 mile and walk for 1/4 mile and did this 4 times and it held up. Roll on next week and hope to do more! We shall see.
I have to say it lifted my spirits and boy did i need that.

It has been a horrible week really, just one thing after another.
The only good thing about this week has been the weather and we have had some lovely days even though a bit chilly.

I was so pleased when Friday came and thought about my much longed for week end.
The problem has been that it went so quickly.

Saturday i spent going out for a bike ride, a lovely long walk with Tim and Duke and then a walk into town. I met a man who knew Tim and hadn't seen him for a while and asked how he was getting on.

To start with he didn't know that Tim had left work following his brain Hemorrhage. He asked how the boys were and didn't know we had lost Mikey. He then said he lost his son several years ago, he was only 32 years old and then lost his wife a few months later. How very very sad. He told me it never goes away, the pain, you just learn to get through the days. In some ways this made feel a little better at least I'm not mad!!

Its been 14 months since we lost Mikey. 14 long sad miserable months, but at least the running is a place to go and forget your troubles. I am concentrating so hard for an hour just to breathe and get along a mile or two!! oh yes and learning to cope with the injury pain barrier!!

Today i went to the Hare Arms for lunch with my sisters and nieces, well at least two of them! and three of the hubbies, Tim decided not to go. It was a lovely day.

A walk this evening and my word the wind was brisk and cold! still the sun was watery but at least still out!

Now its almost time for bed and work in the morning! now how quick was that..

Tom seems happier but has a dreadful cold, i wonder who will be next.

Duke has a new bed and loves it! he looks so snug. How he is growing. He loves cookies!

I have taken so many photos recently and am so pleased i bought the camera, i wonder what happened to Mikes? i think we now have time to reflect and think about lots of things. I expect Claire has now moved on, well we knew that had happened before Mikey died. I wonder if she thinks about him at all, i hope so.
Anyway i am not going down that road again! i must keep remembering that tomorrow is another day!

                                                       

Day 423.424,425.426

Four days!!! and what a lot has happened!

Sunday, a beautiful day. The fens were glorious and once again wearing their Sunday best. The camera came out and we walked through the drove. 5 minutes walk to get there, how lucky are we. The sun was low and the light just fabulous. I'm no expert yet with the camera but that and the running have given me so much joy. For a short time worries are no more and I'm just absorbed in the beauty that is around me.
I managed the uneven ground without a wince! i felt the ankle was improving. Duke was running free and just enjoying the time out with us.

Tom had recovered from his night out, the joys of being young! And how we miss Mikey!

I wasn't so worried about going to work and happy with the decisions i made. Thank goodness i did!!! Monday was just so extraordinary!! if i wrote a book you would think it was a best selling work of fiction!! I can laugh about it now but i do so wish i could share the events of the say here but i think not!!!
The one thing i can say is that on these occasions we are allowed to run. Run i did even though i was not supposed to.

Tim received a call from work to tell him i wouldn't be home at lunch time and the afternoon just followed the same trend.

Tuesday it was the day of reckoning with my physio. Up early and yes the ankle is improving, more exercises a new strapping and instructions about what i can do and what i cannot. I could run but only for 3 miles and that needed to be interval running. OK that's not so bad i thought, i can manage that. Any increased soreness and i would need to stop and walk. Back to see her in two weeks.

By the time i had finished work i felt it best not to go, the ankle felt sore and i just was not going to risk it. I did that before and it got me into the pickle i am in now. Went for a walk with Tim instead.

Went back to work tonight and stayed till 2am. Meetings with the staff and achieved some stuff.

Feeling positive this morning, action plan and raring to go until, unannounced inspection. Oh lord. Phone call to Tim wont be home for lunch!!!!

Meeting at work this evening and now reflecting on the week.

I am feeling a little more settled and obviously this was laying heavily on me and there is a sense of relief!

Hoping for better things!! Tom seems settled today, always a good thing!! I will go running tomorrow night, especially after watching Run Fat Boy Run tonight on TV. Reminds me that this could be me next year!!!

Lots to organise tomorrow but i can see it as a challenge now not a chore!

Its so cold this evening! almost feel the snow moving towards us, frosty mornings and dragons breath. Love it!!

I am thinking of a friend, she has been such a support to me and i am concerned for her. It just makes you reflect even more that time does not stop, things still happen, other people experience bad times.

                                                                             Duke

                                                                               Fen sky


                                                                 
        Just caught the birds in flight to. Well to bed, after all tomorrow is another day.                                                                      
                                    

DAY 421/422

Phew! Its Saturday. A bit of R and R i hope!

Its been a strange week. I time of ups and downs. Sometimes my head feels as though it belongs to some one else.

The problem is work, and i wish i could stay home all day and just chill, except that will not pay the bills!!

Friday and that was day i revolted!  May suffer for that later.

Went out for Chinese with the running club Friday night and had a nice time, Tim didn't want to go though. Tom went out for the night with some friends and had a good time i think.

So today i just pottered about went for a few cycle rides, had a long walk, did my exercises and chatted to a friend on line and put the world to rights. It was good just to do nothing.

Took loads of photos today It was so warm and yet we had a really hard frost this morning. Scrapers out job!!

Tim seemed a bit better today at least we spent some time together. I must book some holdays.

Well i suppose i better get to bed and read the instruction manual for my Garmin because I'm still getting in a muddle with it!

I hope i will get to use it on Tuesday! the foot feels a lot better and no problems after the walk, in fact it feels better that it has for ages.

Tim was talking about Mikey today and how he used to go for walks with him when he was little. It is good to remember but at the same time so hard because you think about what you have lost. I'm looking at his picture now and cant help but smile at it. He was a joy to have.

Ah well tomorrow is another day........................

Day 419/420

It takes a lot for me to lose my temper  and i could probably count the times that has truly happened on one hand but i have come so close today i can feel the  other hand starting to itch.

I worked all day yesterday and ended up going in and working all night! After Tuesday i thought things may get a bit better, but sadly that wasn't to be!! Yesterday evening i took the car out and noticed a light stayed on on the dash. Mentioned it to Tim and yep sure as eggs are eggs it was my fault!! Good lord i never did a thing. Poor Tom tried to act as piece maker and we both ended up sitting in the car trying to sort out the problem! Well me and equipment ie technology just do not see eye to eye!! In the end we both sat outside laughing at the whole situation.That was short lived because we had to re enter the house!!!
Anyway i ended up going back to work which solved the problem. Tom found out that its a common thing that happens on the car we have and the light just goes of after 30 Min's, which it did!

So came home this morning tired but pleased with what i had achieved without the phone ringing! Made Tim a cup of tea left him a note to get me up later and hit the sack. Awoke to the phone ringing at 8am a nurse hadn't come in. That was all i needed.
Anyway back to sleep and up at lunch time!

Tim in  a good mood yesterday apparently forgotten! Took me back to get a jacket i had my eye on a couple of weeks ago, and believe it or not it was still there. Now how unusual is that.

Home and back to work only to read something that made my blood boil. That was the last straw!!!!  I will just have to wait and see about the outcome of that.

Another phone call this afternoon and a headhunter, its looking very tempting at the moment to consider a change, just don't want to make a hasty decision.

Tonight i should have been running but stayed at home, exercising the foot and will get on the exercise bike shortly!!

I know you read this D thanks for the message xxx will try and send you a message over the weekend for the moment though tomorrow is another day!!!

DAy 416/417/418

Well its not been a good few days. Tim has been really down and i don't know how to help him. Neither Tom or i can do anything right at the moment.

The weekend i spent searching for accommodation for Sue and i in Edinburgh and managed to get that sorted. The ankle has been miserable. Its getting me down now.

Tom has decided to try and find his own place and i cant blame him for that.

Work well that's the same and today it just went downhill during the day!

Went to physio and i have torn two tendons on the outside of the left ankle and torn a muscle on the front of my foot hence the reason why the whole foot is so floppy. Lots of exercises.  foot taped and back next week, hoping i can run again.

Lunch time i came hope and Tim was really quiet and just stated to cry. He is missing Mikey very much. I said i didn't know how to help him because i can barely help myself. That running was the only thing that gets me through the week. I cant think on a daily basis and cant think of the future. All i am focusing on is next year and after that i don't know how i will manage. I told him that despite the mickey taking and the negative comments its what is helping me and i don't want to stop. I also said that i have given up swimming, we bought the dog, changed the car and nothing is working. I also said that if Mikey was here what would he think of his dad saying he wanted to die!!! and i cant cope with that.

Tim wont go to the Dr's and said what can they do. I really think he is depressed, but cant get him to see anyone. I just don't know what to do. It would have been his mums birthday yesterday, i don't know if that has made things worse.

Tonight i went running, well to cycle next to Sue and she did really well and managed to keep with everyone so i don't think she needs me now. So i was feeling really fed up and i even felt like crying again and not good to be negative towards Sue. I felt do envious of her achievement tonight and i shouldn't be like that. So i will just have to wait and see if i can catch up.

When i got home i asked Tim if he would help me and i think he will. That just might make him take an interest and even join me! Who's to say. So i was on the exercise bike for an hour, did my foot exercises and decided i really needed to blog. Its a down period for us all.

Mikey's friend Maddie has been with Jack now for a year, its hard to think so much time has passed. Who ever said time heals lied. It doesn't, our loss will be with us for ever and it is almost too much to bear.

Its lonely sitting here writing, Tim and Tom are in bed sleeping, that is certainly something i have doing, the nights are long with only thoughts for company, ah well tomorrow is another day...............

DAY 414/415

Two days!!

Friday a visit to the Dr's, foot not broken, um well i think i guessed that. However he thinks its the tendons oh yeah and it was the right foot last time? i honestly thought it was the same foot. Suggested physio. I could wait for a couple of weeks for the appointment to come or go private!! I have an appointment Tuesday!

I have spent today searching for accommodation in Edinburgh for the Marathon next year! Early? well apparently not because its the Edinburgh festival next year so places are being taken very quickly!

Its been a miserable day today, drizzle most of the day and so cold.

I cant run and cant walk far so i have been out on my bike. Still haven't received my running gear which i ordered over a week ago! i have chased that order up today as well.

Duke is growing so quickly and it looks as if he will be a giant of a dog, oops!! he is outgrowing his bed and his overnight pen!!

I wonder if Mikey can look down and see what we are all doing. I hope so, i guess we all have to have something to believe in to get us through the days. I do sometimes question life, and to what purpose are we here for. There seems to be some sort of restriction on us mere mortals otherwise we would live forever. Why don't we?

The picture widens and the question then is why do some people live for a short time, why is there illness why is there cruelty. Is it all about fate, are we part of some great tapestry. I wonder!

Not a philosopher but when a trauma occurs in your life you change, not always for the best. I look back over the past twelve months and i am certainly not the person i was or the person i was to become. What does the future hold for me? to be honest i longer care. What will be will be. There is no control. All we can do is live one day to the next. Why do we worry at all? yet we do and will continue to do so. Even when we know there is no point.
 Regrets do i have any, oh yes but when you make decisions you have to live with them and accept the consequences. This is something i am able to do strangely enough.

If we have a second shot at life, and come back for that second innings how will we know, and how can we be the person we cant be in this lifetime. My hope is that Mikey will come back as the person he was in a fit and healthy body. To be able to enjoy life and most importantly to be able to breathe easy. Yes, that would be my wish.
Am i now living in a fantasy world, well who really knows. Am i in a dream, how can we tell. If i am lets hope i run the marathon next year well and then do several more!! Ha the list would be endless.

I better get to bed i suppose and wake up to reality? ah well tomorrow is another day......................