Day 140

I had just about given up trying to write tonight. I couldn't get on facebook for some reason!

What a day. Misery found me and there was no escape. Her grip was tenatious and i had to succumb.
Cry? i have cried buckets today. Maybe i am depressed or just maybe its the grip of misery that has brought me to my knees.
I miss Mikey, i was driving back to work having been home for lunch and i just had this picture of him, head back and laughing. The the cough and laughing some more and i so wanted to see him again, i still do.
Just when you think you have some control over your life you discover that all that you are is a pretense. The efforts made over the last few weeks have been for nothing because you see its just a thin  fragile cover offering minimal protection. A Mothers loss is so profound i cant explain.

Maybe its a combination of things, i don't know. Maybe its work, its been so hard this week. Maybe its the pain from this wretched knee that's preventing me from just going for a short walk, i have become a prisoner in my home, apart from work.
I just feel so old today. I looked at myself in the mirror and i didn't recognise the person looking back. Where have i gone. Reaching in to try and bring a spark of the old me proved to much of an effort. I cant be bothered.
Sisters have left messages, i cant be bothered to answer. I feel sad. I am sad. Am i wallowing in self pity. Perhaps i am. I don't care anymore.

Over the past few days i have said how i am determined to keep on and try the marathon, am i just kidding myself, gosh if i don't drag myself up from these depths i will be lost. But that's for another day not now. I know i said yesterday that if i wrote how i felt it would make the reader feel almost as bad as i do but its written now and this is after all my blog, my page, my space so i wont apologise, well not today

Physio in the morning maybe that will make me feel a bit better. Poor Tim, i walked in tonight he took one look at me and stopped me from taking my shoes off and he did it for me. There, that must show how i looked. To be pitied obviously!! 

Looking around the scenery is as bleak as i feel, nature is crying with me, its raining!! The fields are grim, the birds are keeping out of sight. Except for that one blinking magpie.Yes just the one, one for sorrow! that would be right.
Ah well tomorrow is another day