I suppose i should be ashamed of myself as i missed yesterday but i was so tired. The high of the day before didn't last!! and i was so low yesterday i guess that wretched misery found me yet again, I thought i was getting rather good at evading her clutches but she continues to descend when you least expect it.
I wonder why i refer to her as she? perhaps putting a name to her makes it easier to explain the feelings i have. I don't know but i suppose it will do. It works for me and i guess that's something.
I really have tried to put myself back into the swing of things at work and i realised just how hard it is to get re motivated into something i usually relish, still i do hope i will at some point return to the old me. Maybe with some changes though.
The experience of losing a child has a profound effect on my whole outlook on life. That may not be such a good thing but only time will tell.
What some people consider important i no longer do and cannot imagine why they continue to do so! it could be that their lives are not as full to overflowing as mine. That doesn't mean i have an exciting lifestyle just mine is so full of memories and thoughts of Mikey and what happened and how life could have been so different for him. So in the grand scheme of things so what if you don't get all your jobs done today? it will still be there the next day and will be done if not by you another person. Its not life threatening and the worse that can happen is no employment you don't die from it. Its about putting things in perspective. That's how i look at my role now.
As i have said before i hate Tuesdays and Thursdays now that could be contributing to my mood!
Tims birthday on Thursday and i know he will miss the card from Mikey. Its so sad all these events that triple the sense of loss we feel. I still say every day how unfair life is but whatever i say or do is not going to change a damn thing. If i could turn back time, how far would i go? now that is a question because it could result in the non existence of our family our relationships etc etc, so perhaps its a good thing we cant.
I remember my niece telling me that she had asked Mikey if he wished he didn't have his illness and he said no, its what makes me who i am. Gosh i wish i had his heart and soul i would be a better person than i am.
Its easy to wish for change but as Mikey said we wouldn't be who we were still i am only human and quietly consider where the need for change would be. Maybe I'm not the person to make those decisions but the friends who know me are. Oh perish the thought i probably wouldn't like to know just how many changes i would have to have!!!
Looking forward to the week end and to get out and take some photographs of the changes going on in the fens, talks of being dry and i would like to see just how the Crows are doing! Spring cant be too far away and although we have had snow very late in the year i am ever hopeful of the sun coming out soon.
Received conformation of our holiday booking so something to look forward to.
Friday is getting closer and this damn weight isn't shifting , oh dear i will be put to shame by the sisters!! still my leg no longer resembles a turkey drumstick its down to the size of a healthy chicken drumstick now, oh to be the size of a sparrow. I don't think that will happen but you never know and, tomorrow is another day.............
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