DAY 156

Monday and the last day of January. A month of this year already gone.
Time is passing us by and we are just going along for the ride. No stopping just this endless wheel of constantly moving forward. Its relentless and there is nothing you or me can do about it. There is no control and like it or not we are on this journey of life.

Is there this tapestry already made for us? is there such a thing as fate? i don't know but what i do realise is that we were given a very short straw. I was once told that as individuals we are given a load that we can carry, all i can say to that i must have very broad shoulders and very much wish i hadn't. Bit of a deep thought for this time of night!

Once again work is keeping me fully occupied with little time to think about anything else during the day and i am coming home exhausted. Tim and i have little time to really sit and talk to each other which is why i must book some leave just to get away again, maybe for a week end. I doubt if we will though!! Its just so easy to slip back into old habits!

I did ask Tim to go for a walk tonight. The knee feels a lot better and its about time i made an effort. Its good to get out in the fresh air. It was freezing!!! and i wish i had put on a thicker woolie! and maybe a hat but i look like a loon! cant say they suit me.
Knee held up well so its off to swim tomorrow night! lets hope the water is warm. Then physio on Thursday and maybe just maybe i will be told i can get back to some running. We will see.

Tim spoke to Tom today and yet again he is back into the old frame of mind that he wishes he was back home and hates it in Doncaster. Perhaps seeing us again at the week end made him wish he was closer to home. We cant change that sadly but we can only hope the transfer happens this year! Surely its time for a little good fortune?

I was looking at Mikeys photo tonight and its so hard to accept that we will never see him again. I miss him so very much and time hasn't eased that at all. The pain of seeing him pass away before us haunts me still and its that memory that those close to us didn't witness. Thank goodness for that so how can they understand the anguish Tim and i live with every day. How can they imagine our feelings. Should we even expect them to, probably not. Our candles continue to be lit every night, a beacon in our window to show Mikey the way home. I expect however he would not want to return here on earth if he is no longer in pain and why would he. I continue to have selfish thoughts and still feel resentment of others, is that normal i don't know. I do try to put those thought s away but its a bit like having an onion and you peel one layer away and there is another. Each time you reach another layer you still cry. No hope for me i think.
Will we ever get over our loss? no i don't think we will. Will we be able to live with our loss, yes i expect we will. Will be ever be happy, no i don't think so, can we live with that, yes i expect we will.
Can something good come out of losing Mikey, I'm not sure. I hope that raising money when i do my run will in some way help others like him and i know that would make him feel good so i will concentrate on that!!
I remember every night that tomorrow is another day.......................