The weather continues to be cold. The coldest for 25years they say. The year Mikey was born. I remember it well. One huge dog Ozzie one pram with child seat on and one baby in the pram out for a walk. Tim was working away at the time and asked me to ensure Oz got his walk. Coming home in the snow one wheel fell of the pram!!! Have you tried pushing a pram with a three year old sitting on the top lifting the pram whilst holding the wheel and trying to control the Rottie!!! no joke i can tell you. Along came Tims brother who dismantled the pram put the body of the pram with Mikey inside in the back of his van Tom in the passenger seat leaving me to walk home pushing the frame of the pram and walking the dog!!! The things we do and remember. Then when Tim gets home walking to the other end of town to getting a replacement wheel and new rubber tyres for the pushchair. The only way to put the tyres on was to soak the tyres in hot water to soften them and then apply to the wheel rims. Once cold they shrunk to fit the rims. My word would the younger person do that today!! But i was fit then!!!
Not been to well today probably stress but had MOT at the Docs waiting for results of blood tests on Friday. Feel better now though, i hate feeling unwell I'm the worst patient!!!!
Work has yet again been hard, its getting close to Christmas so things usually change quickly at this time!
Tims made some enquiries about getting Tom back home. Why not use your contacts? We have always done things the right way and wonder now if we should use those who we know with a bit of clout to pull a few strings. It never works for us though, and we shouldn't expect things to work out for us. This year has been a shocker. It started in the new year and has steadily got worse. Is it us, or just one of those things.
Its nearly 4 months since we lost Mikey and I'm no longer in that black horrible place i was.I feel very much like the swimmer standing on the edge of the water not sure if they should put their foot in the water in case its cold. Waiting for the first shock before taking the plunge. My life is on that edge. I need to do this by myself always in fear that I'm going to get the unexpected push from behind. I need to do things at my pace not at the one others want me to. I have decided to put myself first now. It certainly has not got me anywhere thinking of others feelings before my own. The continual efforts i have maintained over the past few months has at last caught up with me. Should i say i have recognised them now!
Tim has spoken to me at length tonight about getting myself on track. Making sure i do get out on the streets walking. Don't make excuses and stop thinking about him. Tim realises that the evenings are the only time i have for me and i should do something that i enjoy. We can have the weekends. I was always so worried about not giving him time that i have in fact made things more complicated in attempting to be all things to everyone. I think he just means us. Tim is pleased I'm having a day out and has said instead of me feeling guilty about having a day out with my sisters i should just enjoy it! In fact we should arrange something like it every year. So i will go and i will try to enjoy it.
Mikeys words in the summer have come back to me today. We were sitting in the garden and he told us to be sad only for a while. Its been so hard to do what he wanted of us. I think the time has come for me to make that transition. I don't want to let go though. I am really struggling with that. A friend said to me today, the first of everything is going to be the most difficult and i think she is right. Tom coped with his birthday. The first year he didn't get a card from Mikey and he seems OK. I guess we will be to.
I just want to wrap the memories around me, stitch them in place making sure they don't leave me. I want and need the comfort of those. I do think about our family and still consider we are four. Will that always be the case. I hope so.
I am very conscious that Mikeys friends have moved on with their lives and that pleases me. I am also very afraid that i will be one of those people who will discuss Mikey and our loss at every opportunity. I haven't done that yet. Well i hope not but I'm sure i will on occasion and do hope they will understand if i do!!
What ever happens Tomorrow is another day...................................
No comments:
Post a Comment