Whats happened today!!! Nothing remarkable but this evening each brick i have put in place to get me where i was yesterday came tumbling down. Just like Jericho!!!
I'm sitting here and i just cant stop crying and i don't know where its come from. What was the cause.
A huge wave of sadness has descended from nowhere!! I'm in a bad place and its so dark. The realisation that for Mikey there are no more tomorrows. Now what put that thought in my head. God i miss him. I miss the joy he gave us, his strength his visits i miss that life we all had. Is it because its Christmas almost, is it because i know its Thursday tomorrow? Is it because someone asked me how i was today. I had to talk out loud about Mikey. You see that's whats so hard. If we don't speak about it, its as if it hasn't happened. But i do so know it has. I cant get my head round it today. I don't want to.
Time has kept up its momentum sweeping us along. It stops for no man. How true is that saying, i think i understand what it really means now. No matter what we do, no matter what we want we cannot stop time!!!
I just want to hear his voice or hear his laugh and do you know its his cough that i miss the most.
The photos we had of him as a boy that i had on my unit have gone. They were so precious to both me and Tim. Mike took them home and didn't bring them back. Now we will never see them again. Claire certainly will not return anything to us. I hate that. I really hate the fact that she has been so selfish. There i have said it. I perhaps should stop now before i get carried away and say things i may regret. I hate the fact that she has not been able to appreciate what its like for us as his parents. What has she got to gain by being like she was. After all she has a new life. That started before Mike died. Mike had put on facebook that he was single and told all his family and friends that it was over. Why then was i not even allowed to enter his room in the flat. I expect she is enjoying herself saying that's what Mikey wanted. He would never have wanted us to be treated as we were. God I'm so angry tonight. I thought i had got past that. I really feel like poking someones eye out!!!! Anyone will do.
That beast has found me yet again, taking advantage of my sadness and yet again I'm embraced by misery. Why cant that bright sprite happiness find me? The past few days have been a dream and never happened!! Perhaps this is it for the time being. I'm flitting from one emotional state to another just like a hormonal woman. Oops that's not fair to the many women who don't have mood swings!!!
There are times that i wished i drank, i would knock one back right now until i sank into oblivion. Trouble is
it wont be any better when i come to, so i guess that's not the answer. Running will do the trick, but its to late to go out and its too cold!!!. Roger it is then, i will try and do a couple of miles!!
Well i guess i need to repair my wall and, tomorrow is another day
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