Monday mornings fly past lots to catch up from the week end. Appointment with the health advisor!!
Well misery took the opportunity dived down took a firm grip, wrapped herself around me, she had been waiting for this chance for days.
Why just when you think that you have some control over your emotions does this horrible horrible beast raise its ugly head. I know that in the next few weeks i will be in a bad place again, surely i could have some respite. No, its just the smallest thing that has the most weight to push you off and over in to the precipice. Woe betide the poor people that cross your path at this time. Patience has gone out of the window and so has tolerance and understanding. All you feel is your needs to hang on to sanity in order to show you are functioning normally when inside you know you are not!!!
Damn and blast i only went to the Dr's because i had bad head and felt a bit dizzy!!! and the health advisor to help with the smoking, its so easy to go backwards. Oh no this lady feels we should get to the route of the problem and discover why i have the desire to smoke again. I perhaps need counselling. Excuse me can we just deal with the issue i came for. Then she started to talk about Mikey and asked if i felt depressed. Well of course i do!!! but a few pills is not going to sort that out. I said i had this diary and it was really helping that i can write what i like and how i feel and maybe, just maybe someone who reads it can relate to me. That's my hope and another reason to continue. Its also my time, a precious hour for me. The lady then said that i had insomnia! it was getting worse by the moment. Lovely lady and genuinely wants to help but i suppose i wasn't to receptive today!!!!!
I also had to look at how i manage my time with Tim, work etc. When you talk about it i suppose it makes you question how you cope. You just do. It does me no good to analyse it, Why? because then i wont cope, now isn't the time and i don't know if i will ever find it. Maybe i don't want to. Is that hiding from reality? No i just think that as individuals we find our own way of living, who is to say what is right or wrong. Everyone has an opinion and its good to listen and share but you don't have to do anything you don't want to.
Well the war of words has won!!! Misery has departed and here i am feeling better about life again. In 10 days time it will be another story but i will deal with that when it comes!!!
My greatest wish would be to have Mikey back with us, my biggest fear would be that he would be suffering as we know he did. I know now that life was such a struggle for him. So I'm going to find a cheerful picture of him and place on here.
Better days in 2006
It remains hard and we miss him so but tomorrow is another day
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