Day 121. Boxing day

Another day over with. We made it!!

Sun shining this morning . Packed lunch and made a flask Off to the coast for a walk. Tim changed his mind and we went of to Hunstanton.
It was really fresh and the wind blowing off the sea. There had been some high tides because the promenade was strewed with pebbles and red brick. It looked like the cliffs were eroding and the debris scattered on the beach. A shame we missed the tide coming in. Never mind there is always another day. We had a good walk and then sat in the car in the sun watching the world go by. A nice ride home and i fell asleep as usual!!

We spent a quiet afternoon, Tom rang to say how pleased he was with the car. I read a book and Tim watched a DVD of Porridge one of Mikes favourite episodes. They would both roar with laughter when watching it.

A walk out this evening, i was wearing one of these ski hats. I looked a right dilly but my ears were warm. Whilst walking we reminisced about last Christmas and how ill Mikey looked. Why didn't we see this coming we asked ourselves. Tim said if he had one regret it is that he never sat down and asked Mikey if he was frightened of dying or was there anything he could do for him. I think Mikey protected us really.

We do know that whatever had happened following his op if he hadn't got the transplant Mikey would still not have been with us today.

His lungs were so bad they discovered once he had the op that he would only have been made comfortable. The Nippy would not have been an option. Mikey would have only had weeks to live, although that wasn't known before his op, there was hope that all would be well.

So there could have been a few outcomes. He would have sailed through and all the stones removed from his kidneys and he would have been put on the list for transplant and he would have got the lungs in weeks. Not much chance of that realistically.
He would have woken from the op to learn that he had not had the stones removed and then no hope of transplant and no hope of going back on the nippy. His lungs would still have continued to collapse. All they could do was make him comfortable. He would have been aware.

Mikey didn't want to die like so many of his friends did. He told his consultant that. To live each day getting worse and being dependant on the nurses for everything. To be in pain and to be lonely. Too much time to think about what was happening and too much time to be sad.

So for Mikey to die like he did, was perhaps the kindest of ways. Tim thinks so.

Enough of that now. Its time to move forward as well as we can. Its time i hope to start remembering the good times we had if possible. Tim said today that he thinks of Mikey every day as do i and yet we don't tell each other that. Maybe we don't want to upset each other. Again maybe our walks out will help us talk about it more.

Perhaps 2011 will be our healing year. I do hope so. With the Olympics in 2012 not being so very far away then!!

Back on the road next week and then real efforts to be made with my fitness and join the athletics club. At my age!! oh well if i succeed it will all be worth it. I have lots of support and i hope they will push me if i get a bit sluggish with training next year. Bring it on, I'm ready. But then again................ Tomorrow is another day!!