Day 98

I have given much thought to my blog today. Why i write every day and indeed why i need to. This is the only place that i can be myself. I don't have to pretend, i don't expect answers, there is no pressure to say and do the right thing.

I also wondered if it was narcissistic of me, and i don't think so. I am after all just discussing with my self my feelings. Those who read are just having a look into my mind. There may be some who can relate to my writing, some that may not understand but most of all its a method of expressing oneself. There is no judgement that i am aware of, maybe a topic of conversation here and there.
I do get a great deal of relief just by putting this down on a daily basis. A place where i can congratulate myself if i have got through the day unscathed. I don't think there are to many of those though. A place where i can sit and cry during the writing, smile if i can but most of all i am not verbalising these feelings. That is the hardest just speaking out. Nothing ever comes out right, often misunderstood and you have to be so damn careful of the person who you are talking to ensure their feelings are not hurt. That's just too, too much for any one to cope with!!

This is a powerful tool. The written word can convey information and  be interpreted by the reader how they want to.

Tim had a visitor today. His brother in law. That was nice for him. Ha! again only when i am out though. Its good for Tim to have a change of conversation.

Yesterday i gave Christmas some thought. I cant celebrate but a friend today asked me if Mikey liked Xmas and i said yes he did. So my friend suggested i just put up a tree for Tom as much as anything else. Mikey and Tom made decorations for the tree when they were both at infants school. Every year i put them on the tree and every year both would cover my fairy with a plastic disposable cup which was made into a Santa by one of them many years ago. This caused much hilarity when i would go in the room to discover one of them had done the dirty deed. Every time i removed it and put it under the tree it would mysteriously find its way to the top. Mr Nobody was responsible. Last year was no different. I think just maybe i will put the tree up. I know it will be painful and i know i will be very sad but if i don't then every year will be harder still and we will never enjoy this time of the year again. Tom is very lonely and is not bothering with decorations etc so i think i will. Blast I'm dithering i cant decide.

But tomorrow is another day...............