Its 4 weeks today since we lost Mikey and it really hasn't sunk in yet. I think I'm just going to imagine hes on a very long holiday and I'm not going to see him for a while. Tim said he is just thinking of him as being asleep.
Is this coping? i wonder? or will we have to face reality in the future. Maybe but that will be our decision at the end of the day.
CF grrrrrrrrr its such a cruel illness and takes so many incredible brave young people. We breathe without thinking don't we. What must it be like to struggle constantly for breath to live in such discomfort. It is only now that we are even analysing this.
We are going to Doncaster tomorrow to see Tom, he was so very angry yesterday i hope he is feeling a little better.
Just looked at some photos when he was baby he was such a good baby!! He remained a good boy and a good man. We have been lucky with them both. I wish they were both here today but fit and healthy!
Mikey has always been positive and said he wouldn't have been who he was if he hadn't have had CF he would never have met Claire and had some wonderful times with her. I suppose i am selfish and wish he had been well.
We were talking tonight and really looked at our lives. Whilst we have no regrets we looked at the impact that CF has on a family. At the time you do the best you can and go through every day without thinking of what you are doing, learning and managing. Neither do you consciously think about how life is different for your child. Yet with deeper thought, we did, and we tried to make it easy as possible, but with the best will in the world we can now look back and cannot imagine how hard Mikeys life has been for him. We cant change the past but i hope we will be able to live the rest of our lives in a manner that would have made Mikey proud of us.
Tom i hope will reflect on his life and start to enjoy his time of and not waste time concerned of matters that have no consequence. I truly hope he does.
I still cant complete the rest of Tuesdays visit yet. I have to do that i need to do that but not today.....
Tim is bearing up so well and yet i still feel so sad for him i just wish i could give him the comfort he needs but i just don't know how. He has lost his buddy, his partner in crime. The person who would discuss Tottenham, cricket, athletics and films. He misses Mikeys sense of humour as they laughed at the same things. He really does miss Mikey so much. I am a poor substitute.
I know Tim misses Tom now more than ever and am pleased that Tom rings his Dad during the day and least they talk cars together!!!
I will try to contact Claire again tomorrow and let her know that their is a job coming up at Ringshill i doubt if she would be interested but at least I've tried.
Diana has gone away to Sri Lanka for holidays so i will miss her little messages. Gosh how important friends are.
Joni bless her has found a support group on line for us and has been so very very supportive and either messages each day or chats on line she has been wonderful, and she is keeping in touch with Tom and he is responding which is again really good and unusual for him. I think he needs friends.
Well i better close for now, got to get up early to catch a train to Doncaster in the morning.
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