Day 30

Its been sooooooo cold today. Wet and miserable.

I got up and made Tim a cup of tea this morning and i don't think he knew what hit him!! Well i surprised myself.

Yesterday i felt practically suicidal!! and could see no way forward for Tim and me today i feel differently. I just cant let all of our past be for nothing. So i best do what I'm best at and start fighting for me and mine. There is still a part though that just will not progress. I think that is because i am not only grieving for Mikey but for the loss of Jen and Ash in our lives. Whilst i have said i don't care that we have no contact i really have been dishonest with myself. However i still feel that they have badly let us down. There its said!!!
Having come to terms with that i may now be able to be a bit more positive. At the end of the day they do still exist in the world and are only missing in our lives not lost as Mikey is.

Claire has blocked me from Facebook, that again is another puzzle in itself, what i can possibly have done now is another mystery. Is it worth finding out why, do i ask the question of her? probably not. Why risk more hurt. I have tried phoning her today and had no response although i did leave voice mail message asking her if she was OK. I also saw her on line tonight through live messenger and sent instant message saying Hi but again no response. There are only so many times i will try. If this does continue then i can only assume she does not wish to know what has happened with Mikes ashes and as i am the legal owner of them she does need to contact me. I have instructed Turners that they should be released only to me. This will stop  just anyone being able to collect them and will ensure that we know what is happening, and perhaps ensure that Claire would visit us. Claire asked that i pay for her flowers and she would pay me when she collects the ashes. Having agreed i now have no idea when she will communicate with me. I have not as yet paid the bill as we haven't had ours still. I so want to bring Mike home.

I have tried to talk to Tim today but he just wants life to carry on as before. It cant though and that's the difficulty. Tom goes to the Dr's tomorrow and i hope he asks for some anti depressants, they worked well before. Strange that both Tom and Mike were on them together last year. Strange that they both got back together with their partners only for the same thing to happen to both of them again within months of each other.

I'm going to Dr's tomorrow got called up to make appointment for some tests, that's just what i need now. It will send Tim into a tizzy so i will keep that to myself until i know results.

Tim took me for MacDonalds again today!!! i think that has become his cure all. If things go wrong have a chicken legend!! well it doesn't work for me but makes him feel better. Still it may have been excuse to get warm. Our central heatings packed up so going for ride in the car warmed us up. We have been sitting with fleece blankets and i have had my dressing gown on over my clothes to get warm. Oh and burning candles to generate some warmth!!!

I still haven't heard from the cf trust or Papworth yet so i think i will have to start a parents support page. That's for the future though not just yet.

Must get mug of coffee to warm myself up i think!!!

That's better, so i have been thinking what can i do to make myself feel better. I have considered the face lift again only considered mind. How Mike laughed when i went for treatment before. I went for consultation for botox much to the boys and Tims disgust. But how they all laughed when i got turned down. Yes turned down. Lets be honest how many people do you know that gets turned down. I was told that i needed radical surgery!!! that i would need fillers to all the wrinkles then botox to stop the filler from moving and the success of that working was practically nil, therefore surgery was the only option. When i phoned Tim he said oh never mind go and get a new pair of shoes!!!

I felt worse when we returned from our holidays and visited Mikey in hospital one of the nurses asked if i was his grandmother!! he and Tim laughed until they cried. They tried to be serious when i was upset but just looked at each other and became almost hysterical, and then Mikey had a really bad coughing episode. Mikey said don't worry about it, its not as if you are dying is it. That didn't really help! Mikey had to have drain the next day because his lung had collapsed.
So i will send for instant face lift in a jar from America that i have seen on the internet. It may just do the trick i had some before and it was very good!! only lasts 6 hours though and then everything drops!! so do need to plan when to apply it!!

On that happy note im going to bed to get warm.

Tomorrow is another day.............