A day of torment today. After last night and discovering some things that perhaps i should not have done have left me ripped apart today. Instead of answers i just have more questions and i very much doubt if they will ever be answered.
So where do i go from here. I don't feel i can move on at this time, i don't even know if i want to. I seem to be grateful for the pain at least it means i am feeling something.
I have heard constantly that Michael would have wanted this or he would not have wanted this. He isn't here to say for himself. The reassurance i need is not forthcoming and will not be because the one person who has the answers is not here to speak for himself.
Anger is better than this great big nothing. I sit here waiting for him to contact me again. How many times do i have to tell myself that its not going to happen but this expectation will not go away.
Tim looks so tired tonight, he spoke about Michael today and said he thinks about him all the time. Tim said he doesn't think its real and it hasn't sunk in. He keeps expecting the phone to go or for him to go off and have his visits on Tuesdays and Thursdays whilst i am swimming but then remembers. Tim says he keeps telling himself that he said he didn't want Mikey to have the op but wonders how he would feel if Mikey had listened to him and he had continued to deteriorate he would then have wished he hadn't stopped it. So Tim is also having scenarios running through his head.
What is it that makes us so afraid to discuss Mikey with Claire except at a very shallow level. Just talking about now and not what was, i expect because we hurt for him but Mikey didn't feel the same way. Garbled i know but i understand my own writing. Well its a good job someone does.
I have discussed with many people if they believe that actions taken have consequences later i lives. I hope so. I guess that depends if they have consciences. I fervently pray that will be the case. There has to be some accountability whether that is today or in the future. I understand the context of this and that's all that matters.
I just hope that those who have added to my families distress live to regret their actions. Is that charitable? well of course not but i don't care at all. I have come to accept that i have become very unforgiving. I only hope that this is for now and that i don't spend my life thinking like this about the whole human race. There are good people in the world i do know that and often in the places we least expect.
I wonder if i should ask for counselling. Ha that may not be enough!!!!! i am already a lost cause. Mikey really benefited from his sessions of that i am now very aware and grateful that was available for him.
Mikey had some friends and he had some very good friends and i have now been lucky enough that some of those have made contact with me. Knowing that they were privilaged to share some of his most painful feelings. They like us amazed by his capacity to love against all odds. They too have found some things hard to come to terms with but are also taking strength from Mikey. That does give me some peace knowing he had their support.
I wish i could take my thinking head off but i cant so i will just have to keep coming on here and off load. It does help. So i will add a story to stop me ending on a negative note.
Tomorrow is another day..........
They crouched against the hedges. It was dark and cold but the Mother knew that this was the safest place to be. The world had gone mad and the remaining members of the human race would face unbelievable struggles to exist in this new world.
The flames from the town began to light the fields where they had escaped to, she began to fear for their safety. The two young children who snuggled against her began to cry.
Jane looked at her watch how long would Andrew be. It must have been 3 hours now since the first explosion. Jane knew exactly what it was she had been preparing for this day for years.
The legacy left for her from her Grandmother enabled some measure of preparation. The route taken tonight, the places where supplies had been hidden all a result of a letter warning of this day.
How many other had managed to get out of town Jane didn't know. The gas pipes were, she knew the source of the fires. These would continue to ignite. The only safe place was in the fens where it had been to costly to install the mains pipework.
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