Day 32

A grey day today.

It feels as though i have been walking through mud, everything has been an effort. Just being! has been an effort.

Its been another day of waiting perhaps that has been the problem. I don't really know. This damned central heating has resulted in us not being able to do anything so plans for days out have gone by the wayside.
I walked to town to the library in the trainers i bought yesterday and my goodness did i know i was wearing them!! They sure made my legs feel as if i had done a marathon. Well i can only imagine that at the moment!!

When i got home i tried to do some gardening. Next door has a bamboo plant that is invading our garden and springing up through the lawn. Huge roots i pulled up and they left a track through the lawn wear i pulled them out. Much to Tims dismay!!!

Well the boiler man came at 1.30pm this was our morning visit!!! and said oh yes you need a new switch and new valve. OK have you got them, well no i have to order them they will be here next week some time!! so a week of cold we have to suffer. Lets hope for a heatwave.

So we went to Hunny yet again for our lunch and on our return went for a good walk.
This evening Tim and i hardly spoke. Not for any reason i expect we both had our own thoughts to deal with, whatever they are.

Its been 39 years this week since Tim and I met. Little did we know them what our future would be.
We were 17 and like most teenagers had high hopes and dreams. We had youth and we were not bad looking then!! Tims not so bad now but sadly my face has all the hallmarks of time ravished experiences!
The bodies gone South as well. That also means that its been 39 years since Adie died i wonder now if it was the same month as Mikey do you know i cant remember. It all seemed so tragic at the time. My boyfriend dying in an accident going home to Luton from mine on his motorcycle. He was an only child and his parents never recovered from that, it haunted them. His mum died not long after, they say of a broken heart. I do think that's possible.

How odd that this has now come back to me. That's the thing with memories, always with you across time.

Tims in bed again as i write this, i have the quiet of the night and its comforting sitting here in front of the screen, typing away. It brings some normality into my life something to look forward to in many ways. Just off loading the days woes if possible.

I miss having the rush in my daily life, the hurrying and pressures of doing things at speed in order for me to everything done. Never having enough time in the day. Now here i am with time weighing so heavily on my shoulders. Its a burden this time i have. Maybe i should be enjoying the free time but I'm not. I don't know how Tim copes, i feel bored . Isn't that a strange thing to say at this time.

I look at the treasure box we have for Mikey and know that i have all the cards from the service to put into his remembrance book but i haven't opened it since we put all the cards etc in it. I will one day I'm sure. If i don't lift the lid then it hasn't happened. Is this denial, then if so that's where i am.

When you have children you expect them to outlive you. The balance of life has been taken out of this order for me and i cant handle that. Not yet, not yet.......

I was reading an article yesterday about CF and how there has been so much progress made in enabling  longevity for the Cf sufferers, (oh and isn't that the most appropriate word!!!) and that now life expectancy is 30 years of age. Well Mikey sadly didn't get to that age. Would that have been long enough for us, i can say now yes i would be grateful for that but deep down i know that when that time came it wouldn't.

I have been looking at his photos and he looked so happy a few years ago. These are the images i want to have, but at the moment i am still stuck in the hospital mode, those last few hours and i so wish i can get past that and no matter how i try those images will just not go away. But maybe they will i hope so.
I cant even bear to look at the clothes i had on that day and doubt if i will ever wear them so i have thrust them to the back of the wardrobe because i cant bear to part with them either.
All Mikes medical stuff is still here and again we cant bear to discard them Its all part of having him near. I hope Claire will give us some reminder of him. We will see, we will see.

No story tonight I'm so cold. And so weary, not tired i wish i could sleep just bone weary. Old.

Oh well tomorrow is another day..............